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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids Holiday with ex.

34 replies

enoughalreadyffs · 06/07/2012 10:13

Ok background. One of my dc has SN, he has ASD and various other conditons but the ASD is the important one for this situation.

Ex wants to take the dc away on holiday with his parents. However his parents have proven repeatedly that they don't take ds's ASD seriously, the last couple of times he has been with them alone, he has melted down because they drag him about from pillar to post, not with any bad intention I don't think but just because they don't understand that he struggles with change and being out of routine. When he meltsdown they just think he is being "naughty" and respond accordingly. This has happened a couple of times now. Ex cannot be relied upon because he drinks a lot and when he gets with his Dad the two of the just drink till they drop and his Mum gets all stressed out about it and does not put the dc first. I have seen this happen many times. There is a huge culture of drinking in their family.

He has told me he wants to take kids away at the end of the month, here in the UK, I told him I didn't feel comfortable with it for the above reasons and he told me I could go to to look after dc. I don't want to. We are separated and the last time I tried this both he and his father were abusive towards me, shouted at me, refused to seek medical attention for me when I was injured (was in the Middle East) and clueless about how to get it for myself. His parents live there but are back for a month atm.

I told him all this, he told me I was "psychotic", "need to see a doctor because of your mental health issues" blah blah blah, so I refused to engage with him any further. He stormed out.

So AIBU. He says I agreed to it previously, I didn't I just didn't say no because I hoped it would blow over as a lot of his plans do.

Sorry for the length.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 06/07/2012 10:18

What does your child want?

gordyslovesheep · 06/07/2012 10:24

honestly I think, as long as your child isn't hysterical with not wanting to go ness, then you have to allow their father to have a holiday with them

mine took my 3 to Turkey last year with TOW - it peed me right off (especially as we could only manage a damp week camping in Yorkshire!) but they had a great time so I had to suck it up!

KatherineKavanagh · 06/07/2012 10:25

Does he currently have access? What's the weekly arrangements?

curiositykitten · 06/07/2012 10:25

I definitely wouldn't go away with him.

To me, the main problem would be with the drinking, not the way he handles his own child.

Original poster
enoughalreadyffs · 06/07/2012 10:26

He would want to go.

The last two times that he went with them though, he melted down completely, ex's Mum became hysterical with him. I heard it all on the other end of the phone, which she then put down on me and then refused to ring me back so I could talk to her about what had happened.

The other time she took him away alone he melted down on the train on the way back after a couple of days of being pulled around meeting relatives etc and ex's entire family all agreed that what he really needed was a good slap.

OP posts:
KatherineKavanagh · 06/07/2012 10:26

How old are the dc?

biddysmama · 06/07/2012 10:28

yanbu but i think you would be better asking in te special needs section

my 10 year old has aspergers and we dont go on holiday because he cant cope with it

and my family also think he needs a good slap :(

DozyDuck · 06/07/2012 10:28

Move to SN boards if I were you. I had exactly the same issue a couple of years ago. I found it hard to even send him to his dads for a day let alone let him go on holiday with him, and yes I was called psychotic and also told to see a doctor etc etc.

2 years on, DS is in special school who have a fantastic parent partnership service. Now DSs dad understands loads more about his SN, seems more sympathetic towards me. He asked me if he could take DS for a week next year. I wobbled but didnt say no and he suggested himself that he has a few long weekends himself and I also said he could have longer weekends in the summer Smile and although the nerves will never ever go away I am so much happier trusting him with DS.

It's hard now but do what you think is right and eventually it will all work out.

Original poster
enoughalreadyffs · 06/07/2012 10:28

Dc are 9 & 5.

And yes his Dad's drinking is a REAL issue, its why we split up. He says he wouldn't drink but I know he would, him and his Dad, thats just what they do when they get together. They would be in there own room etc but I know ex would be very drunk.

His Mum also gets very stressed about the drinking and has in the past drunk drove herself to go and look for ex when he went off on one. I just do not trust her judgement when they are all drinking.

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 06/07/2012 10:28

did he tell you they said that?

Obviously if they are violent towards him that puts a different slant on things (try not to drip)

DozyDuck · 06/07/2012 10:29

But remember, and I know it's bloody hard to remember this, but the DO have to come out of their comfort zones occasionally and in a controlled way in order for them to learn how to deal with it in the future.

Original poster
enoughalreadyffs · 06/07/2012 10:30

I didn't drip. It was in my second post.

They are NOT violent towards him but have agreed between themselves that this is probably what he needs.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 06/07/2012 10:30

If he wants to go I'd let him.

The more experienced his gran becomes in dealing with his meltdowns the better.

It's always a difficult one when we have kids with people who are far from ideal parents.

But the fact we do, means compromises have to be made for the sake of the children and they cut both ways.

It must have been horrible to hear his meltdown on the phone but it was dealt with in the end wasn't it?

Maybe not the way you'd deal with it but then again you're not your ex or his Mum.

Original poster
enoughalreadyffs · 06/07/2012 10:32

Well I could go to control the situation, I have been invited and this is what he is angry about, that I am refusing to go.

However I have tried his before and his Dad and later his Mum were very hostile towards me. I was in their home for two weeks and it wasn't a barrel of laughs I have to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
enoughalreadyffs · 06/07/2012 10:33

Would none of you have any issues with the drinking side of things?

OP posts:
Dahlen · 06/07/2012 10:33

Personally, if they drink that much and have expressed feelings that your DS needs physical chastisement to bring him into line, I wouldn't let him go. Who on earth thinks letting a vulnerable child go off in the care of borderline-abusive alcoholics is a good idea?

KatherineKavanagh · 06/07/2012 10:33

I'd it the 9 year old you are worried about? He wants to go, so that must mean something

the other dc would have to miss out otherwise

Dahlen · 06/07/2012 10:39

And you definitely don't have to go along to supervise. If you need to do that then clearly they aren't fit to look after him. They have already proven that your own safety is in jeopardy when you are with them, and providing a link with the NRP's family does not extend to putting yourself in harm's way.

Original poster
enoughalreadyffs · 06/07/2012 10:43

The five year old doesn't want to go. She is still very much a Mums girl and doesn't like to go away over night.

Katherine my 9 year old has ASD. He isn't really capable of making an informed deciscion about whether it is good for him to go. He isn't aware of what is going on around him much. He can't even cross the road unsupervised. All he knows is that he will be spoilt rotten and get loads of toys. When they are not all drunk that is.

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 06/07/2012 10:43

what Worra said really - if you have serious concerns about your child safety go to court

Sassybeast · 06/07/2012 10:45

YANBU. Not letting a vulnerable child be taken away with people who are unable to care for him safely is not unreasonable. Do you already have a solictor ?
If not, there are plenty of steps that you can take to ensure the safety of your children, given the history.

Original poster
enoughalreadyffs · 06/07/2012 10:48

I can of course go to my solicitor but we have tried very hard not to go down that road and before I started throwing my weight about and threatening with solicitors I wanted to get some impartial advice on here.

OP posts:
KatherineKavanagh · 06/07/2012 10:48

So what contact do they currently have?

Are there any court orders?

Original poster
enoughalreadyffs · 06/07/2012 10:50

No, he just sees them and they him whenever they want. Like I said we wanted to do it amicably.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 06/07/2012 10:52

It sounds to me like the MIL is stressed to the max dealing with her drunk husband and drunk son and has no spare 'bandwith' to deal with the needs of her GDCs. Sad for her, actually, but that doesn't mean you have to let the DCs go.

Is there a compromise, where you all go somewhere neutral, or they come to a B&B near you for a few days and can take the DCs out? I certainly don't think you should go on the holiday and in fact if you do, you are simply going to enable your XP's drinking, aren't you? That's why he wants you there, so MIL doesn't freak and he and Dad can get on with boozing.

So no, I don't think you should go, and I don't think DCs should go as it stands but wonder if there is a way to do some sort of compromise that would enable them to spend some time together. I feel the MIL is being punished - I don't think that's your intention at all but she needs support to build a relationship with her DGCs without the pressure of also babysitting the two drunks in the corner.

Maybe you and she should go away together? Grin

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