Kids Holiday with ex.

[enoughalreadyffs]

Ok background. One of my dc has SN, he has ASD and various other conditons but the ASD is the important one for this situation.

Ex wants to take the dc away on holiday with his parents. However his parents have proven repeatedly that they don't take ds's ASD seriously, the last couple of times he has been with them alone, he has melted down because they drag him about from pillar to post, not with any bad intention I don't think but just because they don't understand that he struggles with change and being out of routine. When he meltsdown they just think he is being "naughty" and respond accordingly. This has happened a couple of times now. Ex cannot be relied upon because he drinks a lot and when he gets with his Dad the two of the just drink till they drop and his Mum gets all stressed out about it and does not put the dc first. I have seen this happen many times. There is a huge culture of drinking in their family.

He has told me he wants to take kids away at the end of the month, here in the UK, I told him I didn't feel comfortable with it for the above reasons and he told me I could go to to look after dc. I don't want to. We are separated and the last time I tried this both he and his father were abusive towards me, shouted at me, refused to seek medical attention for me when I was injured (was in the Middle East) and clueless about how to get it for myself. His parents live there but are back for a month atm.

I told him all this, he told me I was "psychotic", "need to see a doctor because of your mental health issues" blah blah blah, so I refused to engage with him any further. He stormed out.

So AIBU. He says I agreed to it previously, I didn't I just didn't say no because I hoped it would blow over as a lot of his plans do.

Sorry for the length.

He says he won't drink if he has them on holiday. But he will, I know this as sure as I know my own name. He doesn't know when to stop and becomes completely incapable. They will be on their own with him in a room and if he is drunk he won't wake up for them, he doesn't make sensible decisions in that state and wouldn't put them first. His drinking is really, why we split up. He admits he has a drink problem but doesn't think it will matter on his holiday as his parents will be there. But they won't be all the time and they do drink a lot themselves.

To be honest, i think your going to a get a mixed reviews on here, because without knowing the situation in detail, some of us will agree that you should get some advice and refuse this on the grounds of his drinking and possibility of grandparents behaviour, while others will agree his children need access and want to go on the holiday. Your in a really tough position! But by posting here, you obviously believe your son to be at risk, therefore sadly I think you need some advice from a good solicitor. You don't need to through your weight around, just know where you can stand and go from there. In the long term , you know what is right for your children, and its a shame the family cannot deal with your sons behaviour.

Can totally understand wanting to do things amicably. for me, it got to a point where Ex would not deviate from his 'rights' - and these very often conflicted with his responsibilities towards the physical and emotional well being of the children.
Is mediation an option ? It's less 'formal' but may still mean that your children are protected if he sees that you are serious about not letting him and his family do whatever they want.

WilsonFrickett that is exactly how it is! Thanks for summarising my rather spidery posts and telling how it is .

Ds is going away overnight with them already on a separate occasion without his Dad though and I have totally agreed with this. Its because his Mum loses her head when ex and his Dad are drinking together. THAT is my concern.

I have some experience in enabling

Are you able to talk to MIL about it or is she in denial that there's a problem?

I would get legal advice. I would be very uncomfortable with letting a 5-year-old and a 9-year-old with SN go away with two alcoholics and one woman who can't cope. It doesn't sound at all safe (or pleasant) to me.

FWIW i would have issues with the drinking, even without the added complication of special needs. I would want to know that my children were in the care of sensible, reliable adults at all times. Of course, a drink here and there on holiday is fine, but not to sit and drink into a stupor. Alsom the fact your ex MIL drunk drove would be a real issue for me.
Sorry to say this, i know it must be hard for you being stuck in the middle. I personally don;t think i would let the DC go until ex and his parents could show and demonstrate they can look after them responsibly, and drinking is not part of this

Stop trying to do things amicably and get proper access arranged. the kids need consistency and to know what is going to happen. You also need to put in place, expressed clearly what an adequate standard of care is. If he doesn't comply you need to go back to court.
Sorry but there maybe cultural misunderstandings here as well.

Sorry, didn't mean to post and run, had to take ds to a Hospital appointment.

mummytime I took proper advice from professionals about the best way to handle a split for ds and his SN and they said that little and often contact with his Dad, as he was used to was best for him. It has been working ok for us as well, they have not been too affected by the split because of how we did it. I can see that now though we might have to become a bit more official.

WilsonFrickett i am not sure she is in denial as such, more that she just seems to think that Grown Drunk Men need taking care of more than children. It has been her priority for so long that she doesn't know anything else. I could talk to her but I don't think it would change anything. She will put her son, my ex first every time. She always has.

As I said before ds is already going away with them for a night, so its not like I am trying to prevent any kind of holiday or access but other family members will be there to safeguard dc and ex won't be there. It is when he is there that things get out of hand. Him and his Dad just drink and drink and his Mum runs round like a headless chicken trying to control it.

I honestly bed over backwards to facilitate access between everyone. If it wasnt for me they wouldn't have seen the dc half as much as they do. Its me that takes them to family get togethers because ex is working or skint or can't be arsed!