to be mad about felt pen and 2 yr old?

[WelshCat]

ExP has just started access with my 23 month old DS. Its in a contact centre, he gets 1hr a fortnight.

The second time DS saw him he came out and his brand new (v. expensive) jumper was covered in felt pen. Like he had actually been drawing on himself. I was fuming and told the staff I would be billing ExP for the jumper if the pen did not come out.

It did come out. BUT... AIBU to be mad about it? I dont think I should have to dress DS in shitty clothes to visit his father. Or, do you take the point of view that ExP 'doesn't know any better'. IMO he shouldn't be the sole carer at any time of a toddler if he doesn't know better.

He also doesn't pay maintenance. If he did I may be more forgiving about the jumper.

I dress my kids in cheap clothes. Tesco, Asda, H&M and Primark. Not only do they last the couple of months it takes for them to grow out of them, I have some bits that have gone through DS1, DN and now DS2.
You have a problem with exP. don't know what it is but it's not the jumper. Thats a non issue.

I would be really cross too OP.

what was your Ex doing? just sitting watching him? yes kids sometimes draw on things accidentally (or on purpose DS3!!!) but I would expect the adult with them to stop them from doing it not just let them carry on

I don't think that he "doesn't know any better" and if that was the case I would have quite a big problem with that too!

not somethi9ng to stop contact over though, I don't think. but if things like that kept happening i'd have to say something to him

oh and I would be annoyed whatever the clothes cost.
it's just common sense surely to stop a child from drawing all over their clothes

Primark clothes last as well as anything else. I have 3dns and the 3rd is wearing some primark bits that I bought for DS and that 2 other dns have gone through too.

MrsTerryPratchett what if the toddler stuck his finger in his eye??

Ds is 2.6 and loves drawing, that means clothes get pen/paint and whatever else on. He wears some next clothes that I get in sales and mainly supermarket stuff which lasts fantastically (short arse been in 12-18 for nearly a year) if things get dirty they get washed, if it won't wash it either goes in the bin or used as nursery clothes.

Lifes to short to get upset by a child getting messy!

As an aside I get all my DCs clothes second hand, easy to get next stuff without paying next prices

Well he has an hour, once a fortnight to see his son, perhaps he doesn't want to waste spend time making sure he stays clean & just wants them both to enjoy the short they have? And saying he shouldn't be sole carer because of it is very harsh....it's felt tip! Not a knife. My dd's get covered in worse than felt tip when they are with me!

You don't have to dress him in shitty clothes, just clothes that it doesn't matter if they get dirty etc.

But I agree with KatherineKavanagh, it does sound like you just want him to fail!

ok, well thanks for all your replies.

just a few things i would like to say!

I did not mean to imply that people who dress their kids in cheap clothes are shit mums. at all. so im sorry if thats how it came across.

also, just because i buy expensive clothes for DS does not mean i do not also buy fruit and veg!!! i do not dress him well to the cost of any other area of his life. i just dont buy stuff for myself that i could do without.

thank you for all who seem to understand the stigma of being a single parent and not wanting to be judged.

also, there is a reason ExP only gets an hour a fortnight in a contact centre. if he was a wonderful father im sure the court would have awarded him more time. this said, i wasnt trying to say i would stop contact because of the pen thing, just that i was mad. and i am a hater of people who claim that fathers are allowed to 'parent' less because they get less time with their kids. some of you have implied this too. i think a parent should care for their child in the same responsible way however much time they get with them!

You will be grateful for that 2pound jumper from Primark once he starts preschool! You need to start buying him play appropriate clothes, otherwise you are going to be pissed off with an awful lot of people who did nothing wrong.

And your blood pressure will thank you!

I didn't say he was allowed to parent less, because he gets less time with him, don't twist my words! I said that he wants to make the most of his time with him & that doesn't include having to make sure he never gets dirty/or draws on himself! If he chased the lad around stopping him from playing with pens, crawling on the floor, playing with water/sand etc, he wouldn't actually get to play with him, would he? Then you would be accusing him of being a shit dad!

Honestly OP, I bet you dress your son beautifully, but at the same time, when was the last time he was allowed to just get dirty for the hell of it, without being stripped off to his vest...how spontaneous is that! Dress him in clothes that are cheaper & let him discover his world in his own way. How do you cope at the park? In the rain with muddle puddles? You surely can't be preventing him from getting dirty every minute of the day....how tiresome!

You really do risk him growing up being neurotic about mess - and believe, I have been there! Any time my eldest got dirty, I was there with the wipes...at 3/4/5 she would burst into tears if she got sticky hands/mud on her/paint etc. It was no way for a child to be.

buy some play clothes that you don't care about.

... But possibly try not to refer to them as "shitty" clothes? Just a thought.

Crap clothes are clothes that stop children from doing what they want or need to do:
"Posh" clothes that they're not allowed to get messy,
Trousers they can't undo when they need the loo,
Shirts with buttons on the cuffs that they can't push up when playing with water,
Puffy dresses that stop children crawling through things,
etc.

YABU for the shitty clothes comment and the attitude that anyone who buys clothes that aren't from next is doing something wrong and their child looks poor.

op you have accepted yabu, great it's just a pen.
But you seriously need to adjust your thinking around your attitude to clothes.
a) kids do not need expensive things, just clean things that are comfy
b) kids need to get messy sometimes
c)primark does not make you a shit mum, rather one with different priorities
d)noone is judging you that much

glad your ds is seeing his dad, now you need to sort maintenance