Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rethink my entire relationship based on this?

28 replies

NameChange2020 · 05/07/2012 16:13

DP has just sent me a link to this video (Warning: links to a video hosting site & adult content) telling me it was really funny.

I watched 30 seconds in and wanted to throw up, it's someone 'trolling porn stars', he sets up what look like auditions and then basically says the nastiest things he can to them.

The guy clearly hates women.

What does this say about DP? I can't believe that he would find this anything but disgusting. It makes me feel like I don't even know him. We've been together 4 years and have an 18 month old DC.

Please tell me I'm overreacting.

OP posts:
MissFaversam · 05/07/2012 16:15

Well no you aren't OP that's bloody vile. Why on earth would he think it funny?

WaitingForMe · 05/07/2012 16:17

I generally find most mumsnetters a bit reactionary when it comes to porn but it would really upset me if my DH found that funny and yes it probably would change how I viewed our relationship.

I don't think you are overreacting Sad

Original poster
NameChange2020 · 05/07/2012 16:18

I really don't know. I asked him that and he said something about it just being the last bit with a girl who weighs 135lbs bringing up an error message on the scales was funny. I couldn't bring myself to watch that far but as someone who weighs 180lbs I can't imagine it was anything but humiliating and hurtful to the girl.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange2020 · 05/07/2012 16:20

I'm actually shaking and very close to tears. He's never been anything but respectful and loving in our relationship so I can't really process this, it doesn't fit with my image of him at all.

OP posts:
EndangeredOtter · 05/07/2012 16:22

135 lbs? That's about 8 stone isn't it? [Angry]

Oogaballoo · 05/07/2012 16:24

Tell him that those girls are human beings with feelings too, just like him, and that the video is really humiliating and upsetting.

MissFaversam · 05/07/2012 16:26

I personally don't like porn as feel it's all very derogatory to women BUT this is a double whammy here. Very sick really.

Alurkatsoftplay · 05/07/2012 16:27

I suggest you tell him what you've said here and see how he responds.

Original poster
NameChange2020 · 05/07/2012 16:28

I told him that, I told him it's disgusting and the guy clearly hates women.

He said he think's it's probably very easy to end up hating the opposite sex if you work in porn.

I still haven't got an answer about how he can find it funny though.

OP posts:
carlywurly · 05/07/2012 16:29

Sounds like it's appealing to him on a very puerile level and he misjudged it completely by thinking you'd agree.

I'd make it clear how repulsive and distasteful I found it, and then let it go, providing that he's not showing wanker tendencies in other areas too.

Original poster
NameChange2020 · 05/07/2012 16:30

He's gone very quite on the subject. Should probably explain that this conversation is taking place via an I.M. as we work together but I am at home.

He's now switched the subject to our mortgage application.

I'm not sure I can bring myself to bring this up again when he gets home Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange2020 · 05/07/2012 16:35

I think I made my feelings very clear.

I think you might be right carly he has form for misjudging my sense of humor. He watches videos of street fights as for some reason he finds them funny, he showed me expecting me to laugh but as someone who can't even stomach fictional violence I just found it sick.

He's not coming across well here. He genuinely has never been deliberately mean or violent towards me or anyone else in all the time I've known him.

OP posts:
carernotasaint · 05/07/2012 16:38

Sorry Name but it says a lot about how he views women.

TheLightPassenger · 05/07/2012 16:44

I'ld also be concerned at him using work computers/work time to send porn videos, that could easily get him sacked.

His explanation as well- that it's easy to end up hating the opposite sex if you work in porn - WTF - does that make it OK then to make that sort of video.

I know I would be deeply uninmpressed by my partner enjoying this sort of video and videos of streetfights.

Original poster
NameChange2020 · 05/07/2012 16:51

Deeply unimpressed doesn't even cover it, I'd say sickened.

I just made myself watch the rest of it. It just gets worse. What kind of person does that & why would you want to watch it let alone find it funny and the share it with your partner???

I'm actually really angry now. We have a DS, I don't ever want him coming into contact with anything like that.

He's very unlikely to be sacked TLP but I share your disbelief at his explanation. I don't even know what to make of that.

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 05/07/2012 18:14

I haven't seen the site and don't want to, but since all porn is set up and posed, how do you know that this isn't acted out as well, and the women being paid for their treatment?

Still in bad taste though.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 05/07/2012 18:18

Oh dear.

CeliaFate · 05/07/2012 18:18

Yanbu. It shows a lack of respect for these women, a mean and petty sense of humour that enjoys people's feelings being hurt.

Very odd and cruel.

Badly misjudged. Talk to him rationally or it will be easy to dismiss your feelings as being "over sensitive" or "you have no sense of humour". Don't get emotional, state your objections clearly and calmly.

DontmindifIdo · 05/07/2012 18:19

how long have you been together? I would judge a man on what he found funny, it's one thing laughing at someone who's either equal or 'above' you being humilated, but people who are more vunerable/weaker than you, not funny, but cruel.

I don't see the point with being with someone with a cruel sense of humour.

CeliaFate · 05/07/2012 18:20

I don't think it matters who is being humiliated. The fact that anyone is being mocked or vilified makes it distasteful and unfunny.

EdithWeston · 05/07/2012 18:24

I haven't clicked the link.

Is the description "video hosting site & adult content" a euphemism for a porn site?

Because if it is, then I think Sallyingforth is probably right and that this is a scripted and posed set of sequences.

I'm neither surprised nor shocked that a porn site hosts offensive material.

In OP's shoes, I would however want to know how frequently DP was visiting such sites.

DoMeDon · 05/07/2012 18:26

I haven't watched it - I can imagine and it would upset me. I think he is not associating the 'joke' with reality. Like people who watch horror films (although they are of course make believe). I doubt it says much about him, other than he is a bit insensitive and has a slightly shit sense of humour. DH tells me a lot of 'jokes' which get my Biscuit face or occasionally Angry face - when I explain why I'm doing a face - he says 'it's only a joke'. He doesn't get it but is actually a very caring person.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/07/2012 18:32

I think people, particularly young men, have been trained to think that lying to and humiliating people is hilarious. Pranks/practical jokes call them what you like I cannot laugh at someone being lied to then laughed at. Even when it is Ali G doing to a twat. Plenty of people do though.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 05/07/2012 18:33

MrsTP - I agree with that. But this is a whole other level

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/07/2012 18:41

Well, I didn't clink (because, hell no). I heard another internet one though where some men were blindfolded and told they were getting BJs from girls who were there then the girls were changed with men. So, they were getting BJs from men. The man telling me about this thought it was hilarious. However, had it happened to him, I'm sure he would have been traumatised. I think some people have a complete empathy fail.

I think most porn is vile and woman hating, though.

Swipe left for the next trending thread