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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To cry over the housework?

32 replies

Monica2012 · 05/07/2012 14:20

Bit of background: DP works full time, about 50 hours per week, I work part time, about 35 hours per week. I have two days off per week, DP has one. I live with DP, no children yet.

On both of my days off all I seem to do is housework. I dust, hoover, iron, mop, do the laundry, dry the laundry...everything associated with housework. DP makes tea 5 days out of 7 and then helps with the pots afterwards.

I clean the house before I go to work, then after work. It seems never ending. Laundry seems to pile up from nowhere and pretty constantly is overflowing from the laundry basket.

DP does nothing apart from the tea and washes pots after. Very occasionally i've got home and he's done the ironing (very badly that I had to do it again while he wasn't around to as not to hurt his feelings), but that's not his fault. In the whole year we have lived together he has done the ironing ONCE, vacuumed TWICE, dusted one room (our bedroom) ONCE, and swept and mopped the kitchen floor TWICE. Mostly because i've sent him a text when I know he's finished work early so I think he can do something to help out before I get home and I have to do it all.

It's not just the him not helping with housework. It's the fact he leaves bedroom and kitchen drawers open after he's got something from them. Same with the wardrobe doors. I'll fold all his jeans and pile them neatly on a shelf in the wardrobe after i've ironed them, but next thing, he's pulled a pair from the middle of the pile and left the rest not-in-a-pile-anymore, but a mess! He'll leave beer cans around for me to move, same with glasses. The kitchen floor can be a right shit tip, but if he gets home earlier from work he'll just leave it. Because we don't have a clothes dryer or a line outside (no garden), everything has to be dried on the radiator (not do-able in hot summer), or on the maiden. Because of this, i've had a pile of clothes overflowing from laundry basket over past few days and also had a pile of clothes waiting to be put on maiden. He's seen them there, but not lifted a finger to put some wet clothes on maiden when others have dried, and he sees the overflowing basket when he puts his dirty clothes in of a night, so why can't he lift his finger and put a load in the washer? He'll have a snack in the night, but not put the crockery or food he's used back in the cupboard and it's still there after he's gone to work in the morning.

Today I was planning to go out for a few hours as it's my day off, but once again, the house is a shit tip and I feel i've got to get on top of it before I go off for work tomorrow again, or we'll run out of clothes to wear and i'll have to ban the (very nice) in-law's and friends from coming round as i'm ashamed of my dirty home. So, DP phoned and asked if I was still going out. I said no I wasn't because as always i'm doing the housework, and I started to cry. I got upset and said that he should help out more. I do ask him to do things, and have even sent him lists of things he can be doing if he'd like to help out a bit, but he does one tiny little thing, then leaves it mid-job and never finishes it. Also, he does get to finish work early in the afternoons a few days a week as he's self-employed, so I ask him to do something around the house, but no, he goes straight to potter around in his workshop doing his hobby.

I feel stupid being so upset about something stupid as this, but it's really getting to me now.

OP posts:
TheSpokenNerd · 05/07/2012 14:42

I simply cannot understand why you're spending two whole days to do the housework for two adults.

It's beyond me. I have 2 DC and I certainly don't spend that much time and nor does DH!

Are you a perfectionist? Not being mean by the way...I just cannot see how your house is THAT bad that you spend all your tiime off on it!

Can you not spread thing out between you during the evenings? I do a lot between 7.30pm and 8.30pm...it's only an hour but that's when I clean the kitchen ready for tomorrow and put another washing load on.

PollyLove · 05/07/2012 14:46

As you both work, I think it should be split 50/50 and stop washing, drying, folding, ironing etc all his clothes. Why bother if he doesn't appreciate it?

alphabite · 05/07/2012 14:49

How does it take that long? Seriously!

One quick thing to change is ironing. Only iron work clothes...nothing else. Hang clothes up immediately when they are dry and you will find very few creases, even less if you tumble dry. I don't tumble dry and even I don't iron more than about once every few months! A couple of smarter blouses need doing and that's it.

I would say do 10 minutes of a whip round clean before work, 15 minutes of laundry after work. Then an hour at weekends to do a better clean. A more indepth clean can wait until your holidays or a 'wet play' day!

I probably do about an hour of laundry and cleaning a week. That's it.

AngryFeet · 05/07/2012 14:50

How the hell do you have that much housework for two people?! I do similar in a very large house with 4 people who are all very messy and there quite a lot. You should be able to spend a few hours on one day then 30 mins a day for the rest of the week to keep on top. How do you get through so many clothes? Unless your dh comes home and trashes the place then tries on all items of clothing in your wardrobe I don't understand how this situation can occur?

MissFaversam · 05/07/2012 14:50

Good god woman, stop it. you're sounding a bit of a nut here. Why do you have to have so much "control" over the housework? Why would you have to do the ironing again if he's done it? Practice makes perfect you know.

mollythetortoise · 05/07/2012 14:54

How can you have so much cleaning to do, with just two adults out at work all the time. You must have very very high standards!

Get a cleaner? with two adults working so much and no kids , you must have abit of money to spare? Is your house very large?
Send the ironing out?

I am pretty sure that if just dp and I lived at home my cleaning/laundry would be about 10% of what it is with two children.

I think you need to outsource if it is stressing you out so much.

samandi · 05/07/2012 14:54

Well for a start 35 hours a week is full time, not part time!

I don't understand how you are doing so much either. There is no need to clean the house every day before work and every day after work. We usually clean ours about once every couple of weeks, more often if it gets in a state or we have guests.

While it seems fair enough that you do a bit more housework (presuming that the extra income your partner earns is shared income), his attitude towards leaving stuff around obviously needs addressing. Although it seems you lean towards the other extreme - there's no harm in stuff lying around for a day or so, and certainly no need to repeat his ironing! (Not his stuff anyway!)

EssexGurl · 05/07/2012 14:54

Personally, I think you are doing too much. I assume that you don't have your step child with you so it is 2 adults in the house. If you are out at work all day then not quite sure how you can get the house so dirty. Why do you need to do cleaning before you go to work and still find more to do when you get home? You do sound a little OCD, I'm sorry to say.

But also, I think you need to look at the bigger issue of your relationship. Sounds like it is more about inequality there than anything else. What would happen if his family came around and saw the house a tip? My MIL once criticised the state of the kitchen floor at our old house - black tiles a big mistake as they showed up all the dirt. As I had been at work all day and DH at home (with his parents) I simply turned to DH and asked him why he hadn't cleaned it. She has never commented again (in my hearing at least!).

Talk to him about your relationship and what you expect from a partnership rather than give him lists of chores to do.

hairytale · 05/07/2012 14:57

I get that you're pissed off with your oh slovenly habits. What does he say when you discuss this with him calmly?

LindyHemming · 05/07/2012 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quenelle · 05/07/2012 15:00

Get your DP to do more.
Don't do his stuff.
Lower your standards.

Nobody ever lay on their deathbed wishing they had done more housework.

Also, ironing is bad enough. Re-ironing is criminal.

imnotmymum · 05/07/2012 15:01

How can you generate so much mess from just 2 adults. There are 6 in our house and a dog and it takes me a couple of hours to do stuff daily to keep on top. You are out all day most of the week!

FuckityFuckFuck · 05/07/2012 15:01

35 hours a week is part time?

I feel your pain with the washing, I'm currently on my third load today because it's not supposed to rain til later so I can get it outside

But how is there so much of it?? When I lived in a flat with no outside space, I did 1 load a day and stayed mostly on top of it, and that was with a baby!

If he pulls his jeans out from a pile and leaves the rest in a mess...leave them in a mess!! If he doesn't iron 'properly', re-iron your clothes only (if you must).

If he leaves beer can laying about, pick them up and dump them in his workshop

If you carry on doing everything, he will carry on doing nothing

KellyElly · 05/07/2012 15:06

Two days to do the housework is mad. I work 32 hours a week and am a single mum (so cooking, cleaning etc all down to me) and I spend around 3 hours a week on housework (by that I mean cleaning the bathroom, hoovering, flash moping floors, dusting). I stick the washing in as and when necessary and keep the place tidy the rest of the time. I also have two cats to help mess the place up. Your DP should help more but apart from that relax a little. You don't need to spend that much time cleaning. You are going to have to cut it down or when you do have kids you'll have a breakdown!

maybenow · 05/07/2012 15:07

Like others, i have no idea how two adults generate so much cleaning... picking up after yourselves is another matter and you need to MAKE DP do that as it's just slovenly (as well as dangerous) to leave drawers/cupboards hanging open.

Icelollycraving · 05/07/2012 15:18

Well like others have said,you work full time. I also fail to see why you are spending so much time on housework. I love a super clean home but give yourself a little schedule & it doesn't need to be your life.
You can't be spending so much time cleaning if it's still dirty,I don't get it?

dreamingbohemian · 05/07/2012 15:34

Stop doing his laundry and ironing.

You definitely have a problem here. It's worth thinking about how much of it is due to:

Your DP being a lazy slob

Your standards being too high

Your needing to be better organised

Just reading about your laundry makes me exhausted. Why is there so much laundry, and why is it so complicated? Even when I had a load a day (newborn) it wasn't so complicated.

Mostly, though, it sounds like the problem is your DP. I don't know why you aren't doing things 50/50, you both work full-time.

Trifle · 05/07/2012 15:41

Why have you taken on the role of the little woman at home always keeping things neat and clean.

Why are you doing his washing and ironing.

If you clean in the morning before you go to work how can there be more cleaning when you get back.

ladyintheradiator · 05/07/2012 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icelollycraving · 05/07/2012 15:46

Maybe check out flylady.

Bunbaker · 05/07/2012 15:50

Before DD was born we generated 2 - 3 loads of washing a week. We lived in a huge three bedroomed house with two cats, and housework only took max 3 hours a week. I cooked, OH washed up/filled the dishwasher. I did my ironing and he did his. I probably did more hoovering and dusting than he did because I have higher standards (what is it about men that they don't notice a dirty floor?)

So, how on earth are the two of you generating so much housework?

TimeWasting · 05/07/2012 15:51

You don't iron his clothes anymore.

PoppyWearer · 05/07/2012 15:56

Has someone got that "Dust if you must" poem handy or can link to it?

I got it from a thread on here and have it handy for when I go into housework meltdown (frequently).

A cleaner and slinging the laundry/ironing to the launderette when I'm overwhelmed save my sanity and cost less than you think.

Before the cleaner I was massively resentful of mess caused by my DH. But that has now disappeared.

pumpkinsweetie · 05/07/2012 16:02

I think you are over-cleaning but i do think the housework should be shared 50/50 as you are both working, it should be an equal partnership.
As you say you have no dcs so there shouldn't be a lot of laundry or cleaning to do unless you both make a lot of mess.
I can't get my head around why it is taking you two days to clean do laundryConfused
Why don't you do a little bit everyday, then everything is done for your days off??

Bunbaker · 05/07/2012 16:06

Dust if you must poem

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