Really, really rubbish birthday presents...

[EmmalinaC]

Last week was DD's 6th Birthday. My DSIL (DH's DS) sent her some clothes from Oxfam (where she volunteers) which included a faded brown t-shirt (which still had someone else's name on in biro in the label) and a plain white t-shirt, with a small stain on the front.

DD does a lovely line gratitude but she was utterly perplexed by why her auntie had sent her someone else's old clothes.

AIBU in thinking this is the most rubbish present ever?!

We haven't sent a thankyou note which DSIL will think is outrageous

Notes: DSIL is not skint (quite the opposite) and she has DDs of her own (and last Christmas asked us to buy them Sylvanian feckin' Families) so it's not as if she doesn't understand what little girls like... But the other thing is that she's a really kind person. I am frankly baffled by the whole thing.

Oh and I couldn't care less about stuff being second hand - my DPs gave DD a fabulous dressing-up outfit they'd found in a charity shop and she was chuffed to bits with it!

My DMIL thinks we should write to her and tell her we're upset [hmmm] but I can't help thinking this might be rather inflammatory!

So. AIBU? And WWYD?!

You are not being unreasonable at all.

You've probably spent a considerable amount on gifts for her children if you've bought them Sylvanian families seeing as they are about £20 for the cheapest item. Most importantly, you've actually put some consideration into her children's gifts.

From time to time we are all skint, but it's no excuse for sending tat. Clean second hand items are one thing but dirty ones?!

My aunt was always a bit like this. My mother always bought carefully thought out presents for my aunts two sons, but my aunt just bought me (an only child) whatever was on offer. As a seven year old she gave me a pink collared t-shirt in a size big enough to fit a fat adult.

Does she have 'form' for crap gifts? Maube she is just going for the 'dotty aunt' theme!

Did she even pay for them? I know some people who work in charity shops who just take the best stuff for themselves!

This thread is hilarious

As a seven year old my dad's auntie bought me a pack of tissues or Christmas! Even at seven I thought that was more than a little odd!

I can't believe some people actually think this is ok - who on earth would get anyone 2nd hand clothes as a birthday present.

It is sometimes ok for toys if the parents of the child has agreed (ie an expensive toy - maybe discontinued) but I cannot imagine why anyone would even dream of doing that without checking first.

My nan does the same - a few examples - perfume (with no perfume in), camera that takes discs (discontinued so nowhere sold the discs) 2nd hand toiletries the list is endless. One of my sons even got a christening silver present which I actually thought was lovely until I saw it already had another child's name engraved on it!

Do any of you ever ask people about these gift choices. ?

I had an auntie who used to send crap presents when I was a kid, horrendous pants and bright coloured nylon petticoats. They were new. We wrote thank you letters all the same and I now have a good relationship with her, she just has awful taste in presents.
I wouldn't fall out over it and would keep the thankyou letter vague and brief. If she does mention the present and ask what your daughter thought I would mention the stain and name though and ask her to maybe check second hand clothes more carefully. I wouldn't bring it up if she doesn't though.

That would be awkward conversation Fred. It's almost as though you are forced to put up with their lack of effort or care for fear of causing a falling out.

My aunt is a kind person and caring person, but she buys all her christmas presents for the following year in the January sales etc. She isn't poor; I know this because I know of all the money she has inherited, of the money she has in savings and the money she has in shares.

I find it upsetting that all through my life she has put no thought into choosing something as a present and has just given me whatever she found cheap. Presents do not need to be expensive, in fact buying me the wine I enjoy instead of whatever was on offer could cost as little as £3.00. To be honest, I'd rather receive no present than the tat she sends my way. It would be ungrateful to tell her this, although I find being given tat just as offensive!

I would contact her and say ' have you still got the receipt for the clothes you bought as we need to change them for a different size' I wonder what she would say?

How rude of her!

I can't recall any genuinely awful presents from my childhood, but we did have a lovely mad aunt who, on two or three occasions, gave me or my brother a carefully wrapped tin of beans (the real present was brought out a few minutes later).

We always forgot about this family joke, and got quite excited about the interesting present (solid, regular shape, relatively heavy) - we never realised what it was before opening. Our family used to gather round with bated breath and crack up laughing at our faces - we must have looked like Fr Dougal out of Father Ted.

The thing that really strikes me is that in your post, you say that your SIL is really kind, and that you're baffled by the gift.

Personally, I'd be feeling worried for my SIL, and would speak to her to find out if she's OK. Could this be a sign of depression, early-onset alzheimers, or is she currently feeling overwhelmed and out-of-it? I'm not entirely sure how the conversation would go, or how I'd broach it - but that's what I'd be trying to find out.

I'd only be upset about the gift if it was a symptom of SIL not giving much of a damn about her niece - which would surely show in other ways too, and you haven't mentioned in your OP.

Yanbu. It's never ok to give stained, dirty stuff as a gift.

You do not have to be grateful for rubbish.

Be gracious and send a thank you note but not grateful. Big difference.

It kills my brother and his wife to send my dcs anything and I used to get upset because i felt they just couldn't be arsed.

Now I just manage my expectations, make surely my dcs have great birthdays (my responsibility after all) but also make sure his dcs get nice gifts from us so they never have to wonder about their mean relatives.

But if my dcs ever ask about gifts from their uncle and aunt, I won't lie. It's kind of a useful lesson to to find out about different people in the world.

I would still send a thankyou note; it's just good manners no matter how horrendous the gift.

I agree with strawberry though; if this is out of character then I would check if she is ok.

Make sure DD wears them at the next family get together. Set up another member of the family to say loudly 'what are you wearing that manly top?' to which DD replies 'it's not - this is the first time I have worn it. I have been saving it for best as Aunty XX bought it for my birthday. '

How strange!

What I would do, is send a thank you note, but, as she works in oxfam, I would also send a bag of clothes to donate which includes the items she gave your dd as a present. Then take a picture of her face when she rifles through it and finds said items I'm evil like that :)

Or do what Frontpaw suggests, how fabulously passive aggressive!

Does than mean I'm horrid? Oh dear....! But it's fun.

My ILs either give really bad gifts or totally forget birthdays. This year DS got a second hand puzzle that was already scratched and that broke after two weeks for his joint birthday and Christmas present! Must have cost 50p. DD got...nothing. DH got nothing for his birthday from either of his parents and we got a candle for Christmas which we later saw in poundstretcher for £2.99.

ban her from giving presents. I cant accept gifts from certain people for my child because you cant tell if they have been bought from a charity shop or from some bin. Serious btw.

Why the charity shop bashing? I shop in them, buy gifts from them but always make sure that they are decent and not tat. The charity shop i work (and yes i do pay for the things i get from there) would never dream of selling clothes that are stained.
OP id leave the thank you card and if they say something b honest about why.

I would say thanks for the dresses. Return the t shirts saying they're not right for your dd. Say you tried to remove the other child's name out and the stain that was on it, but couldn't, but presume the charity shop will accept them again for resale, since they sold them like this originally.

Just buy her DD something from your local charity shop when you go in to donate your DD's present.
She's started a trend now. No more expensive gifts from now on!