ARGH Bloody Family Politics and Birthdays (longish post sorry)

[ishopthereforeiam]

MIL birthday is on Sat, DS birthday on Sun. Hadn't heard anything about any plans so assumed they'd be a fam meal / party for DS on the Sun and Sat we'll take MIL out for lunch. DS is 21 this year. DM and DS are over at ours two weeks ago and ds sees a message on dm's phone about a surprise party for her birthday. We hadn't been told anything about the party but assumed it was just for her friends and we would carry on with the sun plans (nothing spoken but this is what we do most years). DM had sent an email out to DS friends to organise paintballing (clearly i can;t partake!) and food etc at their house before / after but we were not included on that email or told anything about it til ds saw that message. Then dm text later that night to say i;m organising a surprise party hadn;t told you as it was paintballing but you're welcome to come for a bite to eat on sat. I said sorry sat is a no go as dm birthday but we'll celebrate on sun. DS said we could see her on Sun (before / afternoon something dm has booked in London) as did Dad but then DS retracted saying she can;t do sun at all (I suspect on DM's say so). I know what they have booked and it is booked for 7.30pm for 2 hours which leaves all day free for us to see ds.

Dad has now texted dh saying im sure your mum won;t mind if you change her luch til sun as dm (in other words) will go mental otherwise.

DSIL birthday is also the day before my DM so historically we have always bent over backwards changing plans for DSIL to accommodate my DM on that weekend (in another month). And generally speaking, if we are seeing Parents and PILs in the same weekend we always end up making it most convenient for my parents rather than dh's.

I am less than 3 weeks from giving birth. History of tension with "D"M and have gone periods without speaking as she has done some things beyond imagination (cruel and vindictive) for no reason other than that I got married and she struggled to cope (I believe she actually has a mental illness of some form that drives her to behave in this way, she has had depression previously).

Whenever dm gets the hump she just stops calling / texting etc. which has happened over the last few weeks and to be honest i can't be bothered to make the effort. She should check to see how her 18mo grandaughter is doing iff nothing else!

Feeling emotionally blackmailed (again) and v pissed off about the whole thing.

I'm sorry, I really don't understand. It was a bit confusing, but don't give in to being emotionally blackmailed. I have for so many years and am now suffering for it!! Wish I had just had the strength to tell people where to go!

Too confusing. Simplify.

I tried to understand. Really.

But I can't.

Your message is a bit confusing (I think DM and MIL being interchanged) but then I think the whole situation is. Your dad texting your DH? How many people want to get involved in this!

Why can't you do the MIL lunch on sat and then see your Dsis in the evening after paintball? Do they live too far away? What's happening on the Sunday eve? Could you join in?

I would speak to your sister (NOT via text) and see if you can actually see her on the Sunday again if that's her actual birthday.

Sorry - but I don't understand who is who?

Another one who is confused, is DS your sister?, but agree with pp, don't give in to emotional blackmail.

If your DM stops contacting you then leave her to it and concentrate on your immediate family, including taking care of yourself and, when s/he arrives, your newborn. Your DM will contact you again if she wants to see her DGC.

Second what MsOnatopp said. Dont give in.

I read it, and sorry I just do not understand it at all.

too many people, too many abbreviations, and everyone in the tale seems to be interfering with everyone elses plans...

I would go away for the weekend... alone.

It is confusing, sorry!

This month mother is arranging a party for sister but Sister's birthday is the day after MIL, so we already had plans (for MIL birthday) and weren't invited when Mother started emailing all of Sister's friends, sister found out while at our house and they discussed it in front of us so then we got an invite.

But also in another month SIL birthday is the day before mother and we always juggle the days to suit mother rather than MIL or SIL.

Bottom line is - whenever we don't do what mother wants and dance to her tune she stonewalls us and gets the hump. Am fed up of walking on egg shells and having to make dh's mum/dad/sister change all their plans (on several occasions) just to avoid upestting mother.

Does that help to clarify at all?

I think what's confusing people is:

DS = sister

DM = sometimes mum, sometimes MIL

In a nutshell, i think OP's mum wants her to attend surprise party which isn't actually a surprise and which she has mentioned after invites have gone out to everyone else. The party is same day as MIL's birthday.

OP planned to see sister on her actual birthday the next day

Sister said yes then changed mind

OP thinks mum has manipulated Sis into changing mind

OP's dad has suggested to the DH that they go see his mum on the Sunday instead (eg day after her birthday, actual birthday of sister)

Op thinks mum is trying to stick her oar in essentially, possibly jealous of MIL

I may be wrong

Oh DS is your sister not your son.

Tell DSis that sorry as you can't join in with the paintballing (v odd choice for a girl i think ) you're going to decline.

However as it's a special birthday and she's busy all weekend you'l take her for a nice lunch somewhere just the 2 of you when she's free.

GO out with your MIL and tell your Mum to piss off.

Xpost

Also tricky to do both in one day (Sat) as dd is 18mo and both families live about 1.5 - 2 hours drive apart.

Sorry, I don´t get who everyone is.

It´s your MILs bday on Sat & you intend to have lunch with her?

Your sister(?) is 21 on Sunday but your mum has organised something for Saturday?
TBH, which would you rather?

Your sister won´t be 21 again-I´d want to do that.

As an adult, going for the meal after my bday has never been a big deal, so I´m surprised you haven´t already changed the day for MIL.

Diddl - what annoys me is:

1. we weren't even invited initially,

1. it's paintballing so not something I am planning on joining in with and or can 18mo dd...

1. sister wasn't fussed and was happy to do something on sunday rather than sat until randomly changed her mind as mother has booked something (for 7.30pm) in London (have said we can meet them where they live or in London on the sunday),

and the biggest issue is

1. mother getting annoyed b/c we won't change our plans when up until now we have always changed them to suit my side of the family (easter, mother's day, father's day, sil and mother's bday weekend etc)...

I get why you´re annoyed.

But for me, you either want to celebrate your sister´s 21st with her or not.

Now way would my MIL be more important to me-even if I thought that my mum had manipulated things-if my sister wanted me there, that´s where I´d be.

For this time, I´d do it for my sister, then in future whatever you want to do/suits you best.

Why have you always changed things for your family?

That seems horribly unfair.

But really, it´s up to you-if you´re not that bothered about your sister´s 21st, give it a miss & take MIL out as planned.

It's a tough one - as I genuinely don't think sister was bothered, she was happy to do sth on the sun until she spoke to mother.

We've always changed things as my mother is v delicate and acts quite irrationally so we walk on egg shells and move the mountain to her so to speak to avoid any outbursts. Mother is v competitive with everybody over how much she sees my 18mo dd (compares herself with PIL and also other family friends - even sent abusive emails to family friends saying they were trying to steal her gc away and she hopes they die soon as they are old) and I think this is just another of her tricks. The irony of it all is that she actually has seen dd more than any of others... Not trying to drip feed at all just explaining why we always bend over backwards to appease her.

But how does your husband put up with his family playing second fiddle?

My MIL has always been danced around-fine for my FIL & husband to do that if they want-but not at any cost to me or my parents!

Thing is, now that you don´t live with your mum-you can surely not give in to her & you´re not there to see the fallout-if there is any.

In what way delicate-is her health in danger if she doesn´t get her own way?

If you don´t think ypur sister is bothered, tell her you´ll see her on the Sun as previously planned, & if not, then arrange some other time.

Your mum sounds like a pain admittedly but there's no reason why you and your sis couldn't just cut her out of the loop and do your own thing when it suits you both - perhaps on her birthday.

Why not talk to your sister frankly about her changing her mind and whether you can do something after all, you are both adults and don't need your mum's permission to arrange something.

If you let your mum's behaviour dictate everything then you've only got yourselves to blame really...

FWIW I would definitely put my sister's 21st over my MIL's bday.

I don't think you should be expected to put anyone's birthday over another in this situation. It might be your sister who is 21 but your MIL is your dh's mother. This does not make her inferior in the family pecking order.

In the circumstances, your mother is to blame for this. You had, in the absence of any prior arrangements, made the perfectly reasonable decision to take your MIL for lunch on the Saturday. Your sister was quite happy that she'd see you at some time on the Sunday so you could celebrate her birthday.

Your mother appears to have waded in and created this impossible situation but I don't see why your MIL should be set aside and treated inconsequentially. I'd speak to your sister again and say that you are very sorry but arrangements have already been made for Saturday but you'd very much like to see her on the Sunday - as had previously been decided.

Diddl - she's delicate in that she has a tendency to overreact so we constantly monitor what we say and do to avoid her reactions (which will be sarcastic comments to stonewalling and not having anything to do with us for months) so we don't mention when we see dh's family at all usually. And as for DH, I think he's taken it all very well so far as he knows she explodes but this time he's had enough.

So she´s not delicate-she wants her own way & nobody dares say no?

Your mum sounds a manipulative, controlling hag.

You are all enabling her.

I think you should see your mil on the sat, see your sister on the sun, tell your mum to get fucked.

I'd have thought it was a great relief all round when she stops having anything to do with you. Right now you are feeding this monstrous ego and I too would tell her to get fucked.