ARGH Bloody Family Politics and Birthdays (longish post sorry)

[ishopthereforeiam]

MIL birthday is on Sat, DS birthday on Sun. Hadn't heard anything about any plans so assumed they'd be a fam meal / party for DS on the Sun and Sat we'll take MIL out for lunch. DS is 21 this year. DM and DS are over at ours two weeks ago and ds sees a message on dm's phone about a surprise party for her birthday. We hadn't been told anything about the party but assumed it was just for her friends and we would carry on with the sun plans (nothing spoken but this is what we do most years). DM had sent an email out to DS friends to organise paintballing (clearly i can;t partake!) and food etc at their house before / after but we were not included on that email or told anything about it til ds saw that message. Then dm text later that night to say i;m organising a surprise party hadn;t told you as it was paintballing but you're welcome to come for a bite to eat on sat. I said sorry sat is a no go as dm birthday but we'll celebrate on sun. DS said we could see her on Sun (before / afternoon something dm has booked in London) as did Dad but then DS retracted saying she can;t do sun at all (I suspect on DM's say so). I know what they have booked and it is booked for 7.30pm for 2 hours which leaves all day free for us to see ds.

Dad has now texted dh saying im sure your mum won;t mind if you change her luch til sun as dm (in other words) will go mental otherwise.

DSIL birthday is also the day before my DM so historically we have always bent over backwards changing plans for DSIL to accommodate my DM on that weekend (in another month). And generally speaking, if we are seeing Parents and PILs in the same weekend we always end up making it most convenient for my parents rather than dh's.

I am less than 3 weeks from giving birth. History of tension with "D"M and have gone periods without speaking as she has done some things beyond imagination (cruel and vindictive) for no reason other than that I got married and she struggled to cope (I believe she actually has a mental illness of some form that drives her to behave in this way, she has had depression previously).

Whenever dm gets the hump she just stops calling / texting etc. which has happened over the last few weeks and to be honest i can't be bothered to make the effort. She should check to see how her 18mo grandaughter is doing iff nothing else!

Feeling emotionally blackmailed (again) and v pissed off about the whole thing.

What does your husband think? Or is it your choice?

I think you should stick to your plans with lunch with MIL and tell your sister that you will see her next week for lunch or whatever.

what will you do with dd if you are paintballing?
I think you should see MIL on sat and sister on the sunday. Your mother sounds like a nightmare.

Wow, you are really not doing yourself any favours.

sisters 21st comes first.

I would phone your sister and explain that it is your MIL's birthday on the Saturday and you have arranged to go out for a meal with her and presumed that her party would be on the Sunday as you hadn't heard anything about it until; after you had booked to see MIL. I would ask if you could take her out to dinner on the Sunday or bring round some stuff to eat at her house if she doesn't want to go out.
I don't see why MIL should miss out on going out on her birthday just because your mum left it late to tell you what you are planning. I wouldn't worry about upsetting your mum as it isn't her birthday, it's your sisters. if your sister is happy to celebrate on Saturday (most adults I know prefer to do stuff on their actual birthday if poss not a random day nearby) then just tell your mum she should have got organised earlier if she was planning to have you miss your MIL's birthday.

Thanks all - have spoken to sister and she is fine about it all, didn't sound upset that we can;t make sat. Apparently sun is now completely filled with activities (although several not clearly confirmed e.g. cinema but film not chosen yet) etc but I said happy to come and see her before her activities begin on sun and will take her for dinner when she is free next week which she sounded excited about.

So all in all, a big to do over mother rather than sister (even though sister's birthday).

Didl you're right in that - pretty much no-one in the fam ever says no to her.

I'd take mil to lunch as you already planned that. I would not change it, she isn't a second class citizen.

On Sunday I'd visit with your sister before the paintball or whatever it is she is doing on Sunday. It is her 21st and I'd want to see her even if for a half hour. If worse comes to worse, a quick visit that day with sister, but plan to have her over for a celebration or something, whatever you can handle right now.
A bit confused, but I think that could work out?

"she's delicate in that she has a tendency to overreact so we constantly monitor what we say and do to avoid her reactions"
And this is why she's like she is, you lot bloody well enable her. Stop doing it, ignore her tantrums, and get on with your lives. Why on earth are you all pandering to an adult like this?

So, you will she both MIL & sister on their actual birthdays-result, then!

The only reason I would have prioritised sister in this case would to have been to join in with 21st birthday celebrations-not because a sister is necessarily more important than a mother iyswim.

That said, my sister is more important to me than my MIL, & my MIL is more important to my husband than my sister is.

Can I suggest you do something special for your DSis' birthday the following weekend? Perhaps take her for tea at Claridges if you're in London (it's not actually all that expensive compared to dinner out in a normal restaurant, but feels super special and 'grown up' now she's 21).

then you've not really 'missed' your DSis's 21 celebrations, you've just done your own thing with her.

Get in the habit of saying no to your mum, yo'uve got years of christmas' and birthday negotiations to sort re your DD. what's the worst your mum could do? stop talking to you? Now you are the mother and she's the grandmother you will shortly see that you hold the upper hand....

I despair that some people are allowed to get away with such shitty behaviour because others let them

Here's an idea - stop pandering to your nasty mother and stand up to her. She is a bully and sounds very unpleasant - YOU allow her to do this by not staring up to her and you teach your children that bullies get away with crap
Behaviour

For goodness sake stop

If my mother had said that she hoped DH's parent would die soon so that she would see more of her grandchild than them, she wouldn't be seeing much of her grandchild for quite a long time.

I think calling selfish people with no empathy who tantrum when they don't get their own way "sensitive" or "delicate" is rather ironic as they are often totally lacking in sensitivity to other people and are just like selfish toddlers. They are more like triffids than hothouse flowers.
I'm glad things are sorted. If your mum has a huff and doesn't contact you for several months it'll make the birth period easier. Your dad needs to grow a pair.

Thanks all. Didl Iscream and dontmind I've booked dinner at a really nice restaurant for my sister on Monday so she'll enjoy that and we'll get to see her on the day in the morning briefly too.

Thanks to all for the advice - picking up the phone much better than texting !

Also I totally get why people say just say no and stop enabling her etc and I am starting to do so (with this as the example) to avoid being bullied /manipulated into things but as I mentioned in the (very confusing!) original post the fear is the things she does when the red mist descends. She would think nothing of compromising my personal or professional life. If any of you have seen any of those bunny boiler revenge type programs you'll have an idea of what I mean (lying to family friends and family about things I have allegedly done), taking out loans in my name (fraud), sending hate mail, emails and voicemails etc). She is actually mentally imbalanced imo which is why I fear the fallout as she has done supercrazy things to me and others in the past.

Hope you have a lovely time.

Good lord, if that is what she resorts to, why do you see her? Why fo you let your children be exposed to her? You are crazy - the best thing to do with someone who would do the things you say is cut them off and report them
To the police if she does do any of the things you mntion

Sorry but you need to cut her off. She is nasty and pathological.

You sound really nice OP, and I am glad you worked out something you feel ok with. Enjoy your lunch with sis!

Thanks iscream

So this morning's plans for us to pop over seem to have been sabotaged. My dad seemed to think Mother and sister would be home til about 2pm, I received a text last night saying they are leaving the house at 11am so come between 9-10am.

As dd is 18mo and still sleeping (as is dh!) it's unlikely we'll make it there pre 11am as they live an our away (and I struggle to get dd to nursery for 9 when that's only 5 mins away).

At this late stage of pregnancy (feeling v tired anf irritable) plus a cold am quite fed up with the whole thing (did ask mother to say where are you off to at 11am as thought we could go and meet there but was dismissed with "I have a whole day with your sister planned").

Anyhow, have a nice dinner in town booked for tomorrow so hopefully can celebrate with sister then as long as mother doesn't persuade her to cancel on me. Presents are all wrapped so fingers crossed!

Asking a guest who lives an hour away and has young kids and is in late pregnancy to come between 9 and 10 seems mad to me. If that was my sister I'd expect an apologetic phone call with "sorry we're leaving at 11 so I'll just see you for the meal on Monday".
Also don't blame your mother if your sister cancels on Monday. Your sister has a mind of her own just like you have. People who give int o manipulative people upsetting others in the process are as bad as the manipulative people themselves.
Manipulators can't manipulate if people won't let them. If your sister does phone and cancel I would phone and chat to her, if she really doesn't want to meet you fair enough, her choice, but you are all adults now.
Your sisters 21st celebrations all sound a bit odd though, your mum is treating her like a little girl. Where is the going out with your mates part of it or is she having to have that later? Not that I did much for my 21st, although I was away at college so alcoholic amnesia probably played a part.