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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hope my relative gets adopted.

32 replies

turbo1 · 04/07/2012 14:15

One of my distant relatives was removed from her so-called parents on an ICO last year. I was in part responsible for this when I found the dad in charge of the pram totally off his head on drink and drugs and phoned SS.
Prior to adoption the SS are assessing family members to see if they are suitable to take the baby. The only problem is my SIL and BIL have put themselves forward. I have told SS that I have seen my BIL punch their 5 year old daughter in the head but they cannot take this farther as they need evidence of this. They live on benefits not that I am judgmental of this and have 2 cars, a smart TV they have bought on pay weekly for over £2000 and my BIL is getting a motorbike. The children are always dressed in the same tatty clothes, they are being fed on jam sandwiches and are just about to have their water cut off as they are £500 in arrears. Plus they cannot afford heating. My SIL has depression (again I am not judgmental of this) and they both have learning difficulties. Apparently they stand a good chance of getting this baby. I feel horrible as I love my SIL (not my violent BIL) and just want this child adopted. Am I being a total cow?

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 04/07/2012 14:19

What are you doing that makes you a cow?

All you have said so far is that you don't think they are a suitable family to adopt this child. Tell SS your concerns, leave the decision up to them and then stay out of it.

squeakytoy · 04/07/2012 14:19

but do they have you goat?

sesameflower · 04/07/2012 14:19

Maybe you should step up.
SS don't give children to depressed people. Not to be adopted anyway. Sounds troubling.

ohchristFENTON · 04/07/2012 14:21

I agree, all you can do is report what you know to be factual to SS and the rest is in their hands. Could you offer a home to the child as he/she is related? - If you are a better candidate than your SiL/BiL then perhaps the child would not be put with them?

Original poster
turbo1 · 04/07/2012 14:22

I have told SS about my concerns but they cannot "evidence" the punching allegation as they did not witness it.
Also they are planning to give the child's so-called biological parents (who are a bl**dy disgrace) unlimited access to the child, something the SS do not want.

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 04/07/2012 14:28

Adoption, as anyone who has been through it will know, is a lengthy process during which they leave no stone unturned.

If the BIL/SIL are as you say, then it doesn't matter how they present to the SW at the meetings, it will be obvious that they are unsuitable when the assessments take place.

Would you be in a position to put yourself forward?

They might not be able to 'evidence' the punching allegation, no, but they will bear it in mind when doing their assessments.

KatherineKavanagh · 04/07/2012 14:29

You cone across this an awful lot don't you?

Were you not recently posting about a 'friend' who has also had a child removed by SS and looking at family members to adopt!

Thumbwitch · 04/07/2012 14:29

Well they can surely "evidence" the rest of it - the children being dressed in tatters, fed poorly, unpaid bills etc. - so why would they consider your relatives to be appropriate parents for this poor baby?

Perhaps you should be more specific in your concerns next time you speak to the SS, and tell them the rest of the issues as you see them - including their plan to allow unlimited access by the biological parents.

But then what will happen to the baby? Would you be willing or able to take her instead?

ohchristFENTON · 04/07/2012 14:30

Katherine perhaps the OP said 'friend' in her previous thread because the 'distant relative' bit was too complicated to explain?

TroublesomeEx · 04/07/2012 14:34

Also, Katherine, unfortunately, these types of problems are often experienced by families who live in close proximity to other families experiencing very similar problems.

So it is quite possible to know more than one family who are in a similar position.

Original poster
turbo1 · 09/07/2012 09:37

Just found out judge has placed baby for adoption. When the social workers went round to assess my BIL and SIL, my BIL was playing computer games and refused to get off the computer to speak to them.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 09/07/2012 09:42

Adoption, as anyone who has been through it will know, is a lengthy process during which they leave no stone unturned - actually from my own experience that is not entirely true, I have (sadly) been witness to an adoption that was really not planned properly - all wider family members thought it was absolutely madness (not that we were asked) and to no one's surprise the adoption broke down after a few months. Sad Resulting in one very unhappy little boy who had been shoved from foster home to foster home, to an 'adoptive' home, and back to a foster home.

Original poster
turbo1 · 09/07/2012 09:49

Clearly I was not being that unreasonable as the judge agrees with my opinion.

OP posts:
Dprince · 09/07/2012 09:50

I think the fact they want to give access to the bio parents will be a bigger stumbling block that benefits/ depression etc.
I too know a little boy that was removed from mother and the grandmother had him, turned out to be just as bad. The grandmother admitted at the school gates ( infront of me, so i know its not gossip) she couldn't be arsed bringing up another child at her age and that she made him stay in his room after school and eat in there. I can only imagine the distress it caused the child to be removed again.
The impression i got was that the checks are not as detailed if the child is you to family. I don't know if that is true as this is the only time i have come across it.

Dprince · 09/07/2012 09:52

Ah so the result you wanted came through.

Original poster
turbo1 · 09/07/2012 09:57

All I wanted is what is best for the baby. She is a beautiful little girl and deserves a loving family.

OP posts:
SundaeGirl · 09/07/2012 09:58

YANBU turbo. Good for you for caring enough to report family.

Does this mean a different family will be found?

Original poster
turbo1 · 09/07/2012 10:43

Yes, she will be placed up for adoption which means a family unknown to us will be taking her. There are plenty of loving caring couples who cannot have children and I am sure she will brighten their life up.

OP posts:
Original poster
turbo1 · 09/07/2012 11:21

It says it all really that when the SWs came round, my brother could not tear himself away from his computer games for 5 minutes to speak to them

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 09/07/2012 12:02

Is it going to be a closed adoption, turbo? I'm glad that the little girl stands a better chance of having a family who will likely really care about her now.

What a relief that your BIL showed himself up to be totally unfit to adopt her. I don't mean by playing the games, I mean by not bothering his arse enough to stop playing and talk to the SWs.

Original poster
turbo1 · 09/07/2012 12:19

I am assuming it will be a closed adoption-I really think that would be the best option for the baby.
My SIL is actually a really nice girl but is not coping with my BIL's constant abuse. Having said that I do disagree with her decision to stay with her husband in the knowledge he is hitting the children. I am not sure whether the abuse against my SIL is physical, but I have witnessed the verbal stuff. I know she is very downtrodden and depressed with it all.
I took my niece shopping for her birthday present last week and had to buy her food as all she got for lunch was a jam sandwich and she was left really hungry-all so my BIL can have a car, a motorbike and a £2000 TV.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 09/07/2012 12:28

Glad she has you for support though, turbo. Sounds like she really needs it. I assume BIL is your DH's brother? Sorry for nosiness. Of course she should get it together to leave him for the sake of the DC if nothing else - but as you can see by half the abusive relationships threads on here, it's bloody hard. :(

Original poster
turbo1 · 09/07/2012 12:48

My SIL is the half sister of my husband. It is the brother of my BIL who has had the baby removed. This so-called father is just as bad as my BIL. I know some people are scathing of SS on here, but they did exactly the right thing removing this poor child.

OP posts:
SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 09/07/2012 12:55

Who says they stand a good chance of getting this baby?

Original poster
turbo1 · 09/07/2012 13:25

@Smells

The SW had said they had a good chance of taking the baby, but I think their opinions changed when they went round and my BIL would not get off the computer. IMO the judge has made the right decision.

OP posts: