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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DP's GM to clean the floor?

50 replies

redonculous · 02/07/2012 21:31

Bit of background...
Me and dp are from opposite ends of the country, I moved to his end because of his job. I go and visit my family every so often and always stay about 3 weeks. DP has to stay behind because of work. DP has to be the most undomesticated person I've ever met and cant(won't) cook for himself. We are both very young and only moved out of our parents houses when DD was born 10 months ago. When I'm away his grandma brings
Food down for him everyday while he's at work.
Anyway. Last time I came back from visiting my family, our house had been completely
Rearranged. I'm very proud of my floordrobe, but it wasn't there anymore. His grandma had gone into OUR BEDROOM and put all my clothes away. Even underwear had been moved (not from the floor! I'm not that bad) and she took one of my books from our room without even asking me. Also, cupboards had been rearranged and cushion covers washed. The floor had been washed... You get the idea. Fair enough I shouldn't leave my clothes on the floor but that is my business. Nothing to do with her. Why did she even need to go in our bedroom?? Also it made me feel like she was basically saying i dont clean my house or something, our bedroom is messy but everywhere else is as clean and tidy as it can be with a baby. I had a word with her about it and told her i qas gratefull but it wasnt on and so I thought it was sorted. But DP has rang me asking ifit would be alright for his GM to hover and clean ourfloor while I'm away again, and she promises not to go in our bedroom again. I said no, I wish she didn't have to let herself into our house again but I can't stop her as she brings DP food while I'm away. Sorry this was so long but I'm just so angry! I feel like its not even my house as she reads letters ect which i have to hide i could go on and on. So, AIBU?

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 02/07/2012 21:34

If she can leave your bedroom alone, let her hoover and clean. Its your DP's house, too.

mynewpassion · 02/07/2012 21:35

And, if she doesn't do it, how would you feel about coming back to a even messier house, where likely you will have to clean it?

simonthedog · 02/07/2012 21:37

I would hate this. I would ask her if she would batch cook some meals to go in the freezer for him so that she doesn't have to come every day, and wouldn't have to let herself in when he is at work. If he can't take one out of freezer in morning and put it in the microwave at night he deserves to go hungry!

deste · 02/07/2012 21:37

Let her get on with it. She probably wants something to do.

squeakytoy · 02/07/2012 21:38

"I'm very proud of my floordrobe, but it wasn't there anymore"

cant say that is anything to really be proud about when you are an adult and a parent... Grin

clearly you are too busy to do a really good tidy up, so why not be grateful that someone doesnt mind doing it for you..

ramblingmum · 02/07/2012 21:41

I know how you feel, dhs parents spend much of their time when they are here cleaning and doing jobs what ever I say. Last time they stayed I came home from work to find that they had replaced the shower head. Dh says they are just being helpful and gets annoyed with my dad who sits on the sofa and drinks tea for much of his stay.
I would just never go into another persons house and start changing things without asking.

griphook · 02/07/2012 21:43

Let her do it. She's might be bored. I'd love someone to do mine. If thus was my thread it would be something like aibu to take advantage of do gm

Original poster
redonculous · 02/07/2012 21:43

I like the freezer idea. I'll suggest that next time.
Thanks for the replies, I genuinely, wanted to know if I was BU because I'm annoyed, and so a bit biases at the moment.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 02/07/2012 21:46

Changing a showerhead and you are annoyed? I am with your DH. I would rather have ILs who help around the house than ones who want to be waited on hand and foot.

olimpia · 02/07/2012 21:51

My MIL used to (and still does) do exactly like you describe.
For the first 5 years of marriage I resented her for it and took it personally as if to say that I'm not as good as her. I moaned with her and DH many times yet nothing changed. Eveytime she visited the whole house would get an overhaul.
At some point in the last 5 years I finally realised how lucky I am to have a MIL who would tidy up and clean after the whole family without even being asked to do it and so I just let her get on with it. I only cringe when she folds my clothes or tidies up my bathroom but I try to see it as an act of love probably not for me but for my DH.
Honestly, YABU. Just enjoy it and be grateful.

SoleSource · 02/07/2012 21:57

YABU because I want her to come to clean my house. She sounds wonderful :)

CharltonHairstyle · 02/07/2012 22:01

I would be over the moon if someone did this! Smile

CharltonHairstyle · 02/07/2012 22:01

YABU...I forgot

CaliforniaLeaving · 02/07/2012 22:02

My MIL cleaned my whole house and did all the laundry while I was in hospital having a C-section, it was lovely to come home to everything having been done already. Pity she was bat shit crazy and Dh cut her off a few years later, she was a super housekeeper

Tryharder · 02/07/2012 22:07

Oh come on. Stop taking it so personally and let her help. It's your DP's house as well.

YABU

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 02/07/2012 22:13

I'm going to disagree with the majority and say YANBU. This would piss me right off! Why does she have a key to your house? The way you choose to live is your business whether it's to someone else's standards or not.

YABU to put up with a partner who 'won't' cook though, I think it's pretty pathetic that a grown man refuses to feed himself or his family and relies on others to cook for him all the time. More fool you (and grandma) if you enable him though. He's got it made hasn't he?!

Change the locks, send him on a cooking cooking course and tell her in no uncertain terms that if she moves your stuff again she'll no longer be welcome in your house

cece · 02/07/2012 22:13

My MIL cleans my floor. Sometimes I like it but I must admit I do sometimes take it as a criticsm of my cleaning standards. Grin

cerealqueen · 02/07/2012 22:16

What Olimpia says makes sense - nobody in our family like that, you have a baby, let her do it, she ants to do it, so why not. I'd be bloddy happy if it were me.

Reading personal stuff is not on so you wil have to be firm about that.

Your DP sounds like he knows what needs to be done so at some stage, he will have to get on and do some of it himself!

FutTheShuckUp · 02/07/2012 22:22

Sounds like your DP is the problem here not his GM...depending on someone else to cook for him and clean the floor? How old is he? 3???

NarkedRaspberry · 02/07/2012 22:24

I can see what you mean. It's not like she's helping you out by eg bringing round a meal for the family or doing some cleaning. She's only doing it when you are away with your baby. In effect she's helping your DP to avoid being an adult. He's a grown up with a child who can't be bothered to make himself dinner? Who can't clean a floor? Who needs his grandmother to feed him?

FutTheShuckUp · 02/07/2012 22:26

I could never be with a manchild who cant make himself a meal and do basic cleaning. Does he have redeeming qualities?

NarkedRaspberry · 02/07/2012 22:32

The OP does say they're both very young and haven't lived away from family for long. The problem is that his family is allowing him not to grow up and look after himself, even though it's obviously done out of love.

Original poster
redonculous · 02/07/2012 22:35

He's 23 and believe it or not he does have redeeming qualities! I guess I've made him sound lazy but he does have quite a physically demanding job. I know that's no excuse by the way. If I had my way, he would cook for himself.

OP posts:
blueglue · 02/07/2012 22:43

Yanbu to be pissed off, but tbh I can see the granny's pov.

She is asked to come with meals for a man baby. Kind as she is, she decides to do this and additionally do some cleaning and tidying to benefit said man baby. In her day, it would probably have been unthinkable that a man would cook and clean so she probably feels she's doing you a favour by looking after your man whilst you are away.

Anyway, solution is to stop him being a man baby. Fgs, can't he make a ham sandwich, or do some microchips or a frozen pizza? Doesn't need to be masterchef!

Fwiw, I married a man baby who couldnt even heat beans up. I taught him to cook and now he likes doing it.

Additionally, since the granny was asked for domestic help, I don't think you should have had words with her about any aspect of it and expected her to continue!

2rebecca · 02/07/2012 22:47

I would hate it but would never choose to live with a man child who couldn't look after himself. I would rather live alone and find a man who is capable of living on his own. If a man expects other women to do his housework and cleaning then he'll expect you to do it too as he obviously sees housework as beneath him. Ditch the man, he can live with his granny.