Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding etiquette - work colleagues

43 replies

InWithTheITCrowd · 02/07/2012 20:58

Not a heavy one, this, but I just wondered what the general consensus was.

In the department I work in, 2 of my colleagues are getting married (not to each other!) in the next 3 weeks. One of them (A) is a good friend of mine, who has invited me to the wedding and the evening do. It is in Northern Ireland, and I can't go. But she is having a wedding reception a few weeks later in England, which I am going to.
Colleague (B) is just that - a colleague. We both work part time, and our days very rarely cross over. I have worked with her in the past and really like her, but just don't know her very well, and don't socialise with her much. I haven't been invited to her wedding and I wasn't expecting an invite. Maybe just over half of our department have been invited.

They had separate hen nights. I went to colleague (A)'s hen night, but not colleague B's. They then had a joint hen night for work colleagues, which I went to and bought them both drinks.

Anyway - another member of the department is doing a collection for them both, for wedding presents. She sent an email out regarding it. I declined (by email) to participate as I am buying (A) a present from me anyway, and am just sending (B) a card.

Today, in front of about 9 other staff members, she came up to with a box with money in it. She shook it at me and said "I haven't had your contribution yet - most people are putting a tenner in" So I replied, "I'm not putting in, because I'm sorting it out for myself" She laughed and said, "Yes, but you said in your email that was only for (A). This is from all of us for both of them. It's only a tenner. Don't be tight." (She was being quite jokey). I just said "Well, I'll leave it, if you don't mind." And she said "For the sake of a tenner? Well, I'm not putting your name on the card"

This was in front of a load of other people.
I just shrugged it off, to be honest - but I wondered - I'm surely not wrong with the etiquette here? I am buying a gift for the bride whose wedding I have been invited to, and just sending a card to the bride whose wedding I haven't been invited to. Why should I stick more money in to a collective pot for either of them, really? And I definitely shouldn't have been called up on it. July and August are heavy on birthdays for me, and a tenner is a tenner isn't it?
What does everyone think? AIBU to not contribute?

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 02/07/2012 21:01

Yanbu.

Ruudiluca · 02/07/2012 21:03

YANBU I would have said, "never mind, I already have a card with my name on it!"
Honestly, the cheek of some people Hmm

squeakytoy · 02/07/2012 21:03

I would have put a fiver in for the one I wasnt getting a separate present for.

ceeveebee · 02/07/2012 21:04

Personally I would contribute to all office whip rounds unless I was going to the wedding in which case I'd buy a seperately gift. So I think YABU.

Original poster
InWithTheITCrowd · 02/07/2012 21:05

Do you ceeveebee? Even though I've not been invited?

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 02/07/2012 21:07

I would've put in a fiver for B.

RubyFakeNails · 02/07/2012 21:08

I think YABU, I would have given the money, just out of generosity of spirit really but also because its part of the colleague relationship.

Buying the present for A is a separate thing, I think its a bit stingy on B, especially as you said you liked her.

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/07/2012 21:08

I'd have contributed.

TheCraicDealer · 02/07/2012 21:09

You could've gone, "well your name isn't going on mine, so I guess we're even". She sounds like Present Pol Pot.

Original poster
InWithTheITCrowd · 02/07/2012 21:10

Just to add - there are about 60 people in my department, so there are a LOT of these collections, and I am only part time and a bit skint! and I'm definitely not the only one not contributing.

OP posts:
Original poster
InWithTheITCrowd · 02/07/2012 21:11

I should have said that TheCraicDealer :)

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacey · 02/07/2012 21:11

Think there's two issues here. Firstly, when is it appropriate to give or not give a wedding present. And secondly, what's the etiquette on bowing out of sometimes extremely irritating work whip rounds when you prefer to do your own thing.

Adversecamber · 02/07/2012 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gordyslovesheep · 02/07/2012 21:12

YANBU - I hate the idea that you have to give money to everyone

it's voluntary - I was put in a similar situation and made to feel shit - I feel your pain x

scurryfunge · 02/07/2012 21:13

I can't bear collection queens who dictate what people should donate.

MammaTJ · 02/07/2012 21:13

What TheCraicDealer said is perfect!!

You are happy with what you are doing, the people who are getting married will be too, don't worry!!

YANBU!

Original poster
InWithTheITCrowd · 02/07/2012 21:13

I'm being pulled in both ways now - I think I must be very easily led, because I'm blowing between thinking "yes, it was only a tenner, I should have just done it" and "No - why should I? I've already bought her a card, and a cocktail"

You're all a bit too persuasive!

OP posts:
Moomoomie · 02/07/2012 21:14

I think I would have put some money in for colleague B, if B was getting married and not A, would you have put some money in and signed the card?
When I was working we all used to put some money in and sign the card, even if we were going to the wedding.( not a tenner though, only a couple of pounds)

Eggrules · 02/07/2012 21:14

On principle, I wouldn't contribute to a collection that had a tenner as a flat rate.

What a cheek. I would speak to her again. Your email was clear and trying to bully someone like this isn't one. I am Shock at £10.

allnewtaketwo · 02/07/2012 21:15

I would have contributed to the collection. Contributing towards a present for a colleague at work has nothing to do with whether you're going to the wedding in my opinion. Similar to contributing towards present for new baby of colleague I think. Especially if you actually like the person.

But the person who asked was extremely rude to you

comptoir · 02/07/2012 21:16

I think it's pretty event balanced so ultimately up to you if you contribute or not - so YANBU.
As for your colleague (collection woman) - she sounds appalling.

mumto2andnomore · 02/07/2012 21:17

I think you should have contributed. One of my colleagues gets married next week she hasn't invited everyone just the people she's closest to but we've all put in for a gift to wish her well.

PissyDust · 02/07/2012 21:17

A tenner times 60 colleagues, what are they planning on buying!

I don't like being dictated to as to whether I put in and especially not how much, a tenner near the end of the month is for food and petrol not a contribution to a £600 gift.

Yanbu

Eggrules · 02/07/2012 21:18

I worked somewhere where the standard contribution was a token £1 and that worked well. Part timers and very junior staff should not be expected to pay as much.

Original poster
InWithTheITCrowd · 02/07/2012 21:18

Moomoomie - I think I probably would have contributed if it was just for colleague B and it was a couple of pounds - but the box was literally all £10 notes, so it didn't feel like an option. There are about 40 people in the department who are invited to B's wedding. I guess I think that the collection is a bit irrelevant with so many people going to both weddings - I think just a card would have been appropriate from the department, really.

I'm not bothered about it, and I know that neither bride will care (or even notice really :) ) but I was interested to see what people think. it looks 50/50 ish so far

OP posts: