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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding etiquette - work colleagues

43 replies

InWithTheITCrowd · 02/07/2012 20:58

Not a heavy one, this, but I just wondered what the general consensus was.

In the department I work in, 2 of my colleagues are getting married (not to each other!) in the next 3 weeks. One of them (A) is a good friend of mine, who has invited me to the wedding and the evening do. It is in Northern Ireland, and I can't go. But she is having a wedding reception a few weeks later in England, which I am going to.
Colleague (B) is just that - a colleague. We both work part time, and our days very rarely cross over. I have worked with her in the past and really like her, but just don't know her very well, and don't socialise with her much. I haven't been invited to her wedding and I wasn't expecting an invite. Maybe just over half of our department have been invited.

They had separate hen nights. I went to colleague (A)'s hen night, but not colleague B's. They then had a joint hen night for work colleagues, which I went to and bought them both drinks.

Anyway - another member of the department is doing a collection for them both, for wedding presents. She sent an email out regarding it. I declined (by email) to participate as I am buying (A) a present from me anyway, and am just sending (B) a card.

Today, in front of about 9 other staff members, she came up to with a box with money in it. She shook it at me and said "I haven't had your contribution yet - most people are putting a tenner in" So I replied, "I'm not putting in, because I'm sorting it out for myself" She laughed and said, "Yes, but you said in your email that was only for (A). This is from all of us for both of them. It's only a tenner. Don't be tight." (She was being quite jokey). I just said "Well, I'll leave it, if you don't mind." And she said "For the sake of a tenner? Well, I'm not putting your name on the card"

This was in front of a load of other people.
I just shrugged it off, to be honest - but I wondered - I'm surely not wrong with the etiquette here? I am buying a gift for the bride whose wedding I have been invited to, and just sending a card to the bride whose wedding I haven't been invited to. Why should I stick more money in to a collective pot for either of them, really? And I definitely shouldn't have been called up on it. July and August are heavy on birthdays for me, and a tenner is a tenner isn't it?
What does everyone think? AIBU to not contribute?

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 02/07/2012 21:20

I would have said - please don't put into a collection when I leave or get married or even have a baby, - that way all will be fine.

TBH I think when I leave this job - though that will not hopefully be for a while - I will not say a word until the last day.

I detest the emotional blackmail for collections and cards, I don't have a reason apart from I think they are quite forced and a bit false and it really isn't my style.

So my opinion is very scewed

pigletmania · 02/07/2012 21:23

Yabu I would have put in a fiver. That collegue though has no right telling you how much to put in

FiftyShadesOfTripe · 02/07/2012 21:24

YANBU! I presume you are not particularly close to the collection lady who therefore has no idea of your financial affairs. In this economic climate I think she is being hugely insensitive and presumptious!

Original poster

InWithTheITCrowd · 02/07/2012 21:25

We were on a summer shutdown (we are an arts-based company) when I had DS and nobody did a collection for me. I didn't even notice until about 18 months later when someone asked me what I'd been given from everyone.

There are loads of collections and I often don't bother (depending on time of year and proximity to pay day) and I really don't think many people are bothered. Most would prefer not to receive or give!
But she was very rude, as I had already declined once. My business, really, isn't it? I bet the final total will be nearer £100 than £600

OP posts:

TheCraicDealer · 02/07/2012 21:27

Wish I was that quick off the mark in rl! When I got made redundant the branch did a whip round and gave me £200 at my leaving do. Tbh it could've been £50 and I would've been thrilled, the most important thing to me was that people gave what they thought was appropriate. I'd have been mortified to think of one of the managers running round shaking a box at people!

(I still get a bit emotional thinking of that- it was the gruffest, most laissez faire fella who initiated and collected it..sniff)

hermioneweasley · 02/07/2012 21:35

Like many on here, I would have put something in for b; however I dn't think the was your question? I think your question was whether the person organising the collection acted appropriately, which she absolutely did not, and YANBU to be utterly pissed off with how she behaved - you are perfectly entitled to decide whether you wish to contribute and if so, how much.

SoldeInvierno · 02/07/2012 21:38

In the company where I work that would be seen as bullying. I would have no qualms about reporting it to HR immediately. Well done you for standing your ground.

Sarcalogos · 02/07/2012 21:53

Yadnbu

What a rude cow, she can't hassle you for money in front of people after you'd already emailed to explain. Totally unacceptable.

I wouldn't have contributed in your shoes either.

QOD · 02/07/2012 22:04

No no no

Hate this, it's like those ruddy charity muggers

featherbag · 02/07/2012 22:13

YANBU, this is a pet hate of mine - I was given a dressing down by a colleague yesterday for refusing to put in for either party food for break time on a colleague's last day before maternity leave (I'm on a diet anyway so wouldn't be eating any of it), or for the departmental card and gift for the same colleague. I told her to fuck off - when I had my prem DS 9 months ago the bastards didn't even get me a card, let alone do a collection! I no longer contribute to any collection, for anything. If I like the person, I'll give a card and/or gift from me personally.

BackforGood · 02/07/2012 22:24

The person doing the collection was clearly very rude, and, for that alone I think I would have replied, telling her any collection was voluntary and she had no right to demand anything.
However, the collection thing, where there are 60 of you, needs sorting out - there must be collections every week, and I know I couldn't afford that (nor would I really be comfortable accepting a £600 gift, tbh!). It must also take the 'collectors' quite a lot of time when surely they should be working ? Why not suggest that everyone contributes a Standing Order of something like £2 a month, and then there is a sort of "formula" to indicate what should be spent on presents...... £x if having a baby, £y if getting married, a sliding scale according to how long you've worked there for people leaving, etc.

Where I work, we have a whip round, but there are only 11 of us, and no-one likely to be getting married nor having a baby! so that's fine. In previous jobs though, it's been done by regular small contributions into a fund from which presents are bought, otherwise it's an organisational nightmare.

holyfishnets · 02/07/2012 23:06

she was wrong to hound you! Who you give to and what you give is up to you

ethelb · 02/07/2012 23:09

how do all these people have so much cash on htem.

i never have more than a few quid, if that! they could ask for a tenner all they liked, they wouldn't get it until i could go out to a cash poitn and askign me to do that is massively unreasonable.

ohmysilverballs · 02/07/2012 23:14

YABU but I think dictating how much to give is out of order

Willowisp · 02/07/2012 23:27

Yanbu at all, she sounds like a bully & i am for you.

What a cheek.....

Clefairy · 03/07/2012 00:50

YANBU. Not even a little tiny weeny bit.

..and if I had been one of the people watching I would have thought her incredibly rude and I would have thought you very sensible.

foreverondiet · 03/07/2012 01:26

YANBU but I would have put a fiver in collegues B's collection. And declined colleague A's as you have already bought present.

VolAuVent · 03/07/2012 08:33

YANBU. If you're not going to the wedding you don't need to buy a present. And you certainly don't need to justify yourself to the office busybody.

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