Am I being silly about this?

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Ok, I'm braving AIBU with this one... as I really do need to hear some unedited opinions. I just need to know, honeslty, what people think about the below. I have posted elsewhere, but am in need of some guidance pretty quickly. Sorry it's long...

Ok, so I need to know if I am being ridiculous. My partner of now 6 months (although longer as were causually dating for 3 months before becoming a couple) has made the decision (without really talking to me about it) that he intends, for the time being, to keep our relaitonship a secret from his ex. In doing so it means he has to keep it a secret from his son, his dad and his step-mum (who get on very well with the ex) and possibly other friends and family to avoid her finding out.

Then yesterday he was having a bit of an afternoon bash with his friends and family. His son was to be there, so I was not going as we had agreed that we would not be making introductions to our respective children just yet. Then after the fact I find out that the ex was there for most of the afternoon, along with his friends and family, including his dad. I feel hurt that I didn't know she was going to be there, and that for the afternoon he pretended to everyone like I don't exist, yet he tells me how much he loves me.

Some background that is relevant -

• we both have kids. His is 5, mine 20 months. We have spoken about not involving the kids in our relationship just yet and agreed - basically because of his situation explained below.
• his access has been very patchy as his ex likes to play games and refuse access when he doesn't do things she wants/ expects from him. He is in the process of taking her to court for proper access and has asked the court for 50:50 arrangement as they both live close and he has an excellent relationship with his son.
• The ex does a lot of game playing and maipulation. Some of the recent stuff suggests to me she wants him back. I have told my partner this.
• He believes that it would not be in his son's best interests to involve him in our relationship until access for him is better
• He believes that if the ex finds out she will have a fit and further game playing/ denying him access will ensue, so wants to avoid this.

I have explained that I understand his situation, and the need to do what is best for his son. That I can live with his son not knowing about our relationship (despite the fact that he has told me he wants to spend time with my son) and not involving kids, but that I feel that not being able to be truthful with his friends and family is a step too far. And that I am quite bothered by an ex who seems to want him back not knowing I exist. I have told him it kinds of feels like our relaitonship is a lie!

I can understand how he feels, but can't help how I feel.

Am I being ridiculous???

How long have they been split up?

As the ex doesnt know anything about you, or his family, and I assume his friends too, then everything you are being told is from him. Which means it is possibly biased, and I would say tread very carefully and distance yourself a bit to protect yourself.

They have been split up nearly 3 years. He has had difficulty with access since then, initially he was denied seeing his son completely.

I have met his mother,step dad and a couple of his friends. They have all confirmed how unstable she is with things.

I do feel like distancing myself.

I can only see this ending in a mess, for you more than him. It isnt worth all the deception. If you are with someone, then you should be able to be with them, not have to be hidden away like a guilty secret.

It isnt wrong of him to put his child first, but that is likely to be the way he plays it for a long time yet, and will not be much of a relationship to be in.

I should distance yourself a bit right now. But once he has been to court and got access arrangements in place it would be perfectly reasonable to ask that your relationship is not kept secret. If he is still reluctant to be open about things then that is the point I'd conclude the relationship was never going anywhere.

No and neither is he.

My BIL's wife left him a while ago. Just out of the blue (he later found emails to one of her colleagues asking him out). She packed his bags for him and told him to go. At first she said he could come back every night to tuck the kids into bed but this soon changed. She tried playing mind games with him and threatened to stop access. She would change plans constantly and would never allow anything he bought for the kids to be brought back to her house. They had to have separate clothes, separate toys etc. He had to send them back dressed in the same clothes she sent them in.

5 years later and he has a new girlfriend but his ex still makes his life hell. The children are not allowed to mention her name or she smacks them. They cannot talk about her at all and still she changes plans on a whim. She lives 100 miles from him now and yet he picks the kids up and takes them back.

It's a tricky situation and I feel for both you and him. He is understandably afraid of losing his son and this is a real fear for some fathers. At the moment their son lives with her and so she has ultimate control. The court can grant shared access but enforcing that is very tricky.

If you love this man, then I'm afraid you'll just have to be patient. It must be so hard not being involved with his family and friends but he is obviously so afraid of the power his ex yields. Over time this may well change. She might find someone else or simply lose interest. Whether or not you want to wait this long is up to you.

BTW my BIL would call his ex's bluff. It's a dangerous game to play but he would make himself unavailable when she wanted him to have the kids at short notice. This meant he didn't get to see them but it also meant that she knew he was not prepared to be messed around. He knew she needed him as babysitter whilst she went on dates and child-free holidays so he had something there he could use to his advantage. I don't know if this is the case with your partner?

That is what I told him. That I don't mind not being introduced to his son yet, with all the mess that is going on the child needs stability. But I have said that I do not want to be his dirty little secret, all for the sake of not upsetting his ex, who he doesn't know will be upset. But then I think well if it was me, and I thought her knowing might affect my chances of seeing my son, woudl I do the same thing?

I agree with squeaky - without having met any of his family or friends you really don't know how much of what he says about game playing etc. is true. It is possible that he also plays games and manipulates but if you never see him in the context of his family and friends you can't see it.

If his ex is as manipulative as he says it seems odd that his family are so friendly with her still - of course they need to be civil as there is a child involved, but it seems strange that she would be invited along to family parties?

It makes sense to take things slowly when introducing children but I can't think of any good reason why, after 9 months, you would not be able to have a casual relationship with his friends. Sorry. I think you need to pin him down and get some answers.

You aren't being ridiculous, but I don't think he is either.

It sounds like to avoid agro with his ex, who he must be in contact with due to their child, he has not mentioned he is in a new relationship. Sounds fair, as long as he is sorting official access to his child in the process, so she can't jerk him around anymore. Also, both of you have said you wont involve the children yet. This also sounds wise.

You have chosen to date a man with baggage. Heavy baggage, possibly. So you have to decide if you are in for the ride or not. If you don't want to be a secret, and you don't want to be involved in this sort of agro, then don't date this man. If you are fine to take it realllllllly slow due to both your cirumstances, then this might be an ok situation.

No right or wrong answer I think.

I think the added problem here is also you have a child of your own to consider.

Honest opinion from me... call it a day on the relationship for now. He cant give you 100%, and your priority is your child too.

I did say to him last night that maybe he should concentrate on sorting things out with his ex and his son, rather than be in a relationship. His reaction wasn't great. He says he loves me and wants to be with me. Is he messing me around? Not sure it's intentional.

His mother, step dad and a couple of his friends may well have only heard it from his side, and even if they didn't, may well be biased too.

Sorry - just read your second post. Its good that you have met some family and friends but you can't carry on like this indefinitely. It must be hard for him to deal with access issues but you can't carry on pretending your relationship doesn't exist.

EnglishGirl - that is exactly how I feel.

So not much positive, but I think you guys have only confirmed how I was feeling about it.

I guess he sees it as making the decision for his child. And I can't tell him that I want him to change his decision, so I guess I have to tell him I'm not prepared to do it like this, which I think will mean the end.

I think you are right to keep a bit of distance in your mind/feelings, for your own protection, but I can understand his unwillingness to let his ex know about you just yet.

Let him get through the court proceedings for access to his son and if he doesn't make any changes to the way things are afterwards, then have a re-think - but maybe give him the benefit of the doubt just now.

And also, just because his ex might want him back, doesn't mean he will go.

No I don't think he is messing you around. He clearly does love you but feels caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. He doesn't want to lose you but he can't risk losing the contact he has with his son either.

I don't know what else he can do. You have met some of his family, so clearly he is not ashamed of you and wants you to be involved, but his ex sounds like a nightmare and if she does want to get back with him and discovers that he is seeing someone else, well then yes she may well stop access. After all, would she want her son to be around his daddy's new girlfriend?

Wait for the court case, although as I say enforcing these custody orders are difficult. You also need to have a long hard think about what you want. If you can't handle it (and no-one would blame you) then do insist on a cooling off period just whilst the court case goes through and then see what happens from there.

Thanks for all the honest responses folks! :)

The Rhubarb. I have suggested that. It didn't go down all too well. Maybe we just need to talk about it again.

This would have my spidey senses twitching. If she's as much hardwork as he is making her out to be why would she be at family dos?

My guess would be that they are not as over as he is saying.

Be careful.

Well you need to sit down and talk to him about it again.

It IS out of order that his ex should be invited to parties at his house. Is he that afraid of her that he feels she needs to be constantly pampered to?

Obv he isn't cheating or else he wouldn't have introduced you to his mum and some other family members. He probably feels he can trust them not to tell his ex, however she is his ex and she should not turn up to his parties. If she just popped in to drop off his son then fair enough, but if she was actually invited I'd be livid.

Be strong. Tell him that there is only so much you can take and that the party was him overstepping the mark. You do need a cooling off period so don't let him emotionally blackmail you into staying. You have yourself and your own baby to think of and whilst he's so tied up with access, he's just not available.

"It IS out of order that his ex should be invited to parties at his house"

why? not if it involves the child and other family members, she may not be with him, but she is still an aunt to any children his siblings may have

and he could easily be cheating.. sorry but he could.. he has only introduced you to them as a "friend", not a girlfriend..

There's definitely a line over which an ex really shouldn't step and I'm surprised, if she is such a nightmare, that she is attending parties at your partner's house. It's not unreasonable for her to be there - after all they do have a child - but there's a world of difference between picking up and dropping their son and attending social events as if they were still a couple. Especially when he claims to be having a relationship with a new partner. That would ring warning bells for me.

I think you should get rid, to be quite honest.

Not introducing you properly to family members and sneaking around like that is a massive red flag, or it would be for me. It sounds like he's going on about his ex a lot as well. Another red flag.
I can understand keeping the children out of it, but the rest sounds not-on and a nightmare for you.

She isn't aunty to his siblings children. My BIL's ex is not an aunty to my two anymore.

The OP didn't say the party was a children's party in any case, just an afternoon bash with his friends and family.

And if he, as a single man, introduces a 'friend' to his mum then I think you can take it as read that she is his girlfriend.

Half his family/friends group have been introduced to you, presumably the half who don't get on with the ex. The half that do get on with her, and would be likely to tell her about you, he wants to keep quiet about your relationship.

See, it he was ashamed of your relationship, or completely wanted to keep you a "dirty little secret", he wouldn't, IMO, have introduced you to any of them; which is why I'm inclined to believe him that he doesn't want his ex to find out about you and make life more difficult for him to see his DS.

Re the afternoon bash - was it at his house, did he invite the ex to stay or did she turn up with the son and just hang around because she knew the rest of the guests? Worth finding that out if you don't already know.

Of course she is an aunt to them. She will be the mother of their cousin, so that still makes her an aunt, even if she is divorced from the father!

"And if he, as a single man, introduces a 'friend' to his mum then I think you can take it as read that she is his girlfriend"

Rubbish!! it means she is a friend. Is a single man not allowed to have friends of the opposite sex?