Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Am I being silly about this?

46 replies

giantpurplepeopleeater · 02/07/2012 12:37

Ok, I'm braving AIBU with this one... as I really do need to hear some unedited opinions. I just need to know, honeslty, what people think about the below. I have posted elsewhere, but am in need of some guidance pretty quickly. Sorry it's long...

Ok, so I need to know if I am being ridiculous. My partner of now 6 months (although longer as were causually dating for 3 months before becoming a couple) has made the decision (without really talking to me about it) that he intends, for the time being, to keep our relaitonship a secret from his ex. In doing so it means he has to keep it a secret from his son, his dad and his step-mum (who get on very well with the ex) and possibly other friends and family to avoid her finding out.

Then yesterday he was having a bit of an afternoon bash with his friends and family. His son was to be there, so I was not going as we had agreed that we would not be making introductions to our respective children just yet. Then after the fact I find out that the ex was there for most of the afternoon, along with his friends and family, including his dad. I feel hurt that I didn't know she was going to be there, and that for the afternoon he pretended to everyone like I don't exist, yet he tells me how much he loves me.

Some background that is relevant -

we both have kids. His is 5, mine 20 months. We have spoken about not involving the kids in our relationship just yet and agreed - basically because of his situation explained below.
his access has been very patchy as his ex likes to play games and refuse access when he doesn't do things she wants/ expects from him. He is in the process of taking her to court for proper access and has asked the court for 50:50 arrangement as they both live close and he has an excellent relationship with his son.
The ex does a lot of game playing and maipulation. Some of the recent stuff suggests to me she wants him back. I have told my partner this.
He believes that it would not be in his son's best interests to involve him in our relationship until access for him is better
He believes that if the ex finds out she will have a fit and further game playing/ denying him access will ensue, so wants to avoid this.

I have explained that I understand his situation, and the need to do what is best for his son. That I can live with his son not knowing about our relationship (despite the fact that he has told me he wants to spend time with my son) and not involving kids, but that I feel that not being able to be truthful with his friends and family is a step too far. And that I am quite bothered by an ex who seems to want him back not knowing I exist. I have told him it kinds of feels like our relaitonship is a lie!

I can understand how he feels, but can't help how I feel.

Am I being ridiculous???

OP posts:

lovebunny · 02/07/2012 13:32

this loser doesn't want people to know about you. is there really room for him in your life?

TheRhubarb · 02/07/2012 13:36

Do all your male single friends introduce you to their mothers?

Formally, in law, a non blood relation stops being an aunt upon divorce.
She only knew his siblings children by marriage and was only their aunt by marriage. Once that marriage is dissolved, so is her aunt status.

Her child and their children are still cousins as there is a blood connection between them, but she is no longer their aunt.

Look it up.

squeakytoy · 02/07/2012 13:42

I do not need to "look it up". I know my own family works, and how my stepchildren view their aunts/uncles who have divorced. They still consider them as aunts and uncles, and plenty of other people who I know behave in this way too.

Just because the "law says so" does not mean that people suddenly disown relations who may have been a big part of their life.

Many of my male single friends have introduced me to their mothers if we have met socially. My husband would be rather disturbed if that meant I was shagging them.

TheRhubarb · 02/07/2012 13:49

What your family does is different. I was making the point that in law she is not an aunt to his siblings children.

Not every family has such a cosy arrangement and in any case, it's irrelevant here as the OP didn't even say it was a children's party or that there were any other children there apart from his son. So in that instance, it's weird she was there.

And he is currently single. She is single. He introduces her to his mother, stepdad and a few other relatives as a friend. Why does he need to be more precise? They've discussed his ex with her. She's obviously a girlfriend.

Besides, she didn't say that he introduced her as a friend. She didn't say how she was introduced. You brought that into it. I know your advice is for her to leave him, but you're basing some of it on assumptions and reading between the lines. Most of what you've said is spot on, I just don't think we should be making assumptions when it comes to someone else's relationship.

AmberLeaf · 02/07/2012 13:50

Were they married? It says EX which could be EX wife or EX girlfriend.

squeakytoy · 02/07/2012 13:52

"She is single. He introduces her to his mother, stepdad and a few other relatives as a friend. Why does he need to be more precise? They've discussed his ex with her. She's obviously a girlfriend"

you are the one doing the assuming..

Alurkatsoftplay · 02/07/2012 13:55

I agree win those who say neither of you are being unreasonable. If she is being awkward about access then I can understand why he doesn't want anything to rock the boat right now n i would wait til after the court case...The problem is, this might be how the next few years look like, so proceed with caution...

TheRhubarb · 02/07/2012 13:59

She IS a girlfriend though squeaky, so there is no assumption on my part. You are assuming that her partner has not made that clear to his mum or stepdad but the OP hasn't said this at all. There is no indication to show that his mum and stepdad do not realise that she is his girlfriend, that's something you put in.

TheSmallClanger · 02/07/2012 14:13

I am always very wary (even socially) of men who claim that their exes are deranged and unreasonable, "like to play games" or refuse child access for "no reason". The full story is almost always very complicated, and probably something you don't want to be involved in.

Original poster

giantpurplepeopleeater · 02/07/2012 14:17

Hey - thanks for all of your views. He has decided that he has too much going on in his life right now and that we are over (or as I like to call it - spat the dummy). Just had a wonderful phone call :(
Thanks for all your advice, but it looks like i have my answer!

OP posts:

Alurkatsoftplay · 02/07/2012 14:20

Small clanger, do you then extend the same suspicion to women who claim their exes are unreasonable too?

AmberLeaf · 02/07/2012 14:20

There is no indication to show that his mum and stepdad do not realise that she is his girlfriend, that's something you put in

Well there is really, there's the fact that he wants their relationship to be hidden from a whole group of people in his life. So on that I wouldn't assume that she has been presented as a girlfriend. Maybe she has but that doesn't mean much as his life appears to be quite compartmentalised.

Alurkatsoftplay · 02/07/2012 14:22

Cross posted, sorry to hear that giant purple, hope you feeling ok. You will go on to better, less complicated things I'm sure...

AmberLeaf · 02/07/2012 14:23

Ah well OP. You are probably well rid tbh it all sounded a bit complicated.

Hope you're feeling ok.

Dahlen · 02/07/2012 14:25

I don't think it matters if he's telling the truth or not. Either way, he hasn't found a way of being completely free to pursue an open and honest relationship with the OP, and that isn't fair on anyone involved.

TheRhubarb · 02/07/2012 14:26

So sorry to hear this giantpurple. At least you now know where you stand and don't have to waste any more time on waiting for him.

It is a shame but I think he needs time to sort out his affairs. It's not fair to try and have a relationship if he can't fully commit.

AmberLeaf - the OP said that the other family members got on well with his ex which is why she wasn't introduced to them. Because presumably they would have told her.

Don't worry giantpurple, you sound like a great person with a lot of love to give and I'm sure you will find someone deserving who can give as much love back to you.

Thumbwitch · 02/07/2012 14:31

Sorry to hear that, giantpurple - but I suppose it takes some of the guesswork out of the situation and leaves you free to find someone who isn't embroiled in such unpleasant family politics.

Good luck! And hope you're not too upset.

TheSmallClanger · 02/07/2012 14:37

Alurk, I am also quite suspicious socially of women who go on and on about their exes and how unreasonable they are.

Giantpurple, look after yourself. It isn't and wasn't you. I suspect you are lovely.

EnglishGirlApproximately · 02/07/2012 14:44

purple - really hope you are ok. Take care.

Pandemoniaa · 02/07/2012 14:45

Sorry to hear this purple. Hope you are OK.

wfhmumoftwo · 02/07/2012 15:00

I too am sorry to hear that. However, the last thing you want is for him to be involved with your own child, have this going on and then it still end this way leaving your own child hurt and confused.
I understand his desire to keep a relationship going with his son, but i dont think this means he has to pander to he ex all the time. He needs to say to her, I care for you as the mother of my child, it is best for our son that i can be a good dad to him, and that we can come to some agreeable terms but i am going to live my life now.
The more he gives in to her the more it will continue i'm afraid. Most situations i have witnessed like this usually end up with the ex playing silly beggars at first, but once they realise they have lost the upper hand, usually see sense and wake up to the fact that the one person they are hurting is their child.
Good luck and i hope it works out for you with way.

Flip

1 2