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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

when OW turns out to be family

44 replies

pokeypants · 02/07/2012 11:07

other half seriously got on my nerves over the wkend behaving oddly with his phone seemed to be texting a lot and sneakily and no mention of what it was about or to who. I dont like to have to ask or be suspicious of him but by last night i had had enough and it all came out in an argument. He claims he has only been textin his daughter and i said i didn't believe thats what the whole weekends behaviour was about and he filled me in on a few goings on to explain why there had been so much txing. Why he didn't mention this in the first place i dont know maybe because he knows i get fed up with constant dramas from said daughter. Anyway I'm stil annoyed, whether he's being secretive and sneaky when he's with me to do with another woman or if its simply innocent family stuff.....why do it at all?? Surely he shouldn't be sneaky and sly and make his partner feel uncomfortable and as though there is something going on behind my back should he?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 02/07/2012 11:09

perhaps as you seem so dismissive of his daughter, he doesnt feel he can share his concerns with you..

RandomNumbers · 02/07/2012 11:10

Are you saying he is trying to hide from you troubles his daughter is having?

katkouta · 02/07/2012 11:11

why would he feel the need to be sneaky about texting his daughter? Doesnt make sense.

AMumInScotland · 02/07/2012 11:12

Well, if you get fed up about his daughter's "constant dramas" I'm not surprised if he calls and texts her "behind your back" to avoid an argument. She is his daughter and he cares about her problems. You have to accept a certain amount of baggage when you get together with someone who already has children.

HecateHarshPants · 02/07/2012 11:13

Do you give him a hard time about his daughter?

You could always ask to see the texts if you don't believe him.

Or be more supportive to him re his daughter (even if you find her frustrating you can still support him, it's his daughter! No matter how frustrating she is - he's always going to care) so he feels that you're on his side and he can share things with you.

NolaFingMatter · 02/07/2012 11:13

perfectstorm · 02/07/2012 11:15

You've answered your own question.

"Why he didn't mention this in the first place i dont know maybe because he knows i get fed up with constant dramas from said daughter."

Do you have your own kids? If so, how do you imagine you'd feel if your life partner disliked them and was snide and dismissive about their problems? Of course he's going to respond to her when she's having problems. It's his job. He's her father. If you thought about it reasonably, surely that's a good thing - would you really want to be with a man who didn't love, care for and be there for his own child? Because a man like that wouldn't exactly be a prize.

perfectstorm · 02/07/2012 11:16

By the way, how old is his daughter?

bogeyface · 02/07/2012 11:17

I dont believe him.

I just dont.

Ask to see the texts, if they are innocent then he wont mind showing you and if not well.....he will kick off, accuse you of all sorts and refuse to show you. Then you will look on his phone and everything will be deleted.

And as for the "constant dramas" I feel that way about my own DD sometimes so a DSD would do my head in just as much!

GrahamTribe · 02/07/2012 11:34

I had a stepmother like you. Mine was dismissive and snide about our father being in contact with us (adult) children from 2 previous marriages and didn't like him keeping in touch, speaking to us or seeing us.

But that doesn't matter now. Note I said I had a stepmother like you. My father got out in the end.

GrahamTribe · 02/07/2012 11:36

I forgot to say, YABU and PerfectStorm has it spot on. No wonder your partner is being secretive about contacting his own child if you make it clear you view her so badly. Like my father, who'd call his children when the witch was out for an evening, he's just trying to avoid further grief.

usualsuspect · 02/07/2012 11:37

He must be worried about your reaction towards his daughters dramas to text her in secret.

I would try and be a bit more supportive if I was you OP.

JustFabulous · 02/07/2012 11:39

You really really can't dscribe his DD has "OW."

She comes first.

Shullbit · 02/07/2012 11:41

I don't agree bogey. Unless I had actually been giving other reasons for DP to think I may be up to no good (being late, disappearing, being caught lying etc) then I would not just willingly show him all my texts.

If I was simply texting a child of mine, and he didn't believe me, I would be questioning our relationship. He either trusts me, or he doesn't and the latter spells danger to all relationships. So no, being innocent does not necessarily mean he will happily show all his private, personal messages he has exchanged with his daughter to the OP.

WorraLiberty · 02/07/2012 11:44

I agree with JustFabulous

How can you describe his Daughter as 'the other woman'?

bogeyface · 02/07/2012 11:46

I dont get the whole privacy over texts thing, if it would save an argument!

I dont text anything that I am bothered about people seeing, so where is the problem? If my OH asked because something was bothering him, and me showing him would put his mind at rest then why wouldnt I? Seems a bit childish not to.

bogeyface · 02/07/2012 11:47

I read it as she thought he was texting OW and it turned out it was actually his DD, not that she thinks of the DD as the OW.

manicbmc · 02/07/2012 11:48

Maybe him hiding the texts was to avoid an argument, or a further character assassination of his dd?

Or maybe he doesn't want to burden his wife with his dd's problems?

WorraLiberty · 02/07/2012 11:49

I dont get the whole privacy over texts thing, if it would save an argument!

How do you know it would save an argument?

If the OP feels that way about his DD, then it could very well start one.

Shullbit · 02/07/2012 11:50

And agreed, his daughter is not the "other woman"

You answered your own question. He knows you are "fed up" of his daughter and her "dramas". Personally, I am not surprised he hasn't been telling you the ins and outs of his conversation with his daughter.

Kaluki · 02/07/2012 11:54

Why he didn't mention this in the first place i dont know maybe because he knows i get fed up with constant dramas from said daughter - well you just answered your own question there!!
Poor man - why can't he text his dd? Maybe he knows you get fed up with her 'constant dramas' and was leaving you out of it to be considerate?
Has he done anything else to arouse your suspicions? If not then I think you should give the guy a break!!!

bogeyface · 02/07/2012 11:54

That was in response to Shullbit worra, she said that unless she thought that her OH had reason to doubt her then she wouldnt show him. But that seems very silly, when she could show him and all would be sorted. If he is suspicious, whether she thinks he has grounds or not, then refusing to show him would make things worse not better, surely?

Shullbit · 02/07/2012 11:56

There should not be an argument over him texting his own daughter.

He is an adult, he is allowed a bit of privacy with his own daughter. Unless the OP has other reasons to worry he is cheating, then why should he have to show her his private chats with his daughter?

I don't expect to see my DP's text messages, he doesn't expect to see mine. Trust is the important thing here. OP either has no other reason to doubt, and therefore his word should be enough for her to trust him or, she does have other reasons and then would obviously want proof. But apart from that, she has no right to demand, or expect, him to allow her to spy on his conversations.

Original poster

pokeypants · 02/07/2012 11:56

daughter is 18, i dont think she had a problem as such it was more my dp interfering. I do believe him actually though, i couldn't really see him straying he cant satisfy one woman he'd be dead with two on the go! I'm just annoyed at the secrecy but you all seem to think that his behaviour is fine so maybe iabu

OP posts:

bogeyface · 02/07/2012 11:59

I just dont see why privacy is so important that you wouldnt put your OH's mind at ease if he asked you to. Its bloody childish to say "no, its my business" when you could just as easily say "Well I am pissed off that you think you need to see them and you dont trust me, but if it means that much to you then go ahead".

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