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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

when OW turns out to be family

44 replies

pokeypants · 02/07/2012 11:07

other half seriously got on my nerves over the wkend behaving oddly with his phone seemed to be texting a lot and sneakily and no mention of what it was about or to who. I dont like to have to ask or be suspicious of him but by last night i had had enough and it all came out in an argument. He claims he has only been textin his daughter and i said i didn't believe thats what the whole weekends behaviour was about and he filled me in on a few goings on to explain why there had been so much txing. Why he didn't mention this in the first place i dont know maybe because he knows i get fed up with constant dramas from said daughter. Anyway I'm stil annoyed, whether he's being secretive and sneaky when he's with me to do with another woman or if its simply innocent family stuff.....why do it at all?? Surely he shouldn't be sneaky and sly and make his partner feel uncomfortable and as though there is something going on behind my back should he?

OP posts:

Shullbit · 02/07/2012 11:59

Because quite frankly, my DP should trust me. If he doesn't, without bloody good reason, an argument would be the least of my worries. A relationship does not work unless there is trust, so him demanding to see my text messages would make me doubt that relationship, not pussy foot around him and give in to his demands to stop an argument.

WorraLiberty · 02/07/2012 11:59

i couldn't really see him straying he cant satisfy one woman he'd be dead with two on the go!

With that sort of attitude I'm quite surprised he hasn't...

TheRhubarb · 02/07/2012 11:59

"Anyway I'm stil annoyed, whether he's being secretive and sneaky when he's with me to do with another woman or if its simply innocent family stuff" - has there been another woman?

I can understand your frustration at him doing things behind your back but in a way that is obvious to you. Posters are assuming that you dislike his daughter or perhaps feel that she comes between you and your dh and perhaps they are right? Perhaps you have made him feel bad about the amount of time he spends contacting her?

They might be little dramas to you, but he is her father. He probably feels guilty already about not being there for her all the time. He will always answer to her beck and call because he is her father, so you are fighting a losing battle if you think you can stop this. When it comes to you and his daughter, he will always choose his daughter and so he should.

However if there is genuinely no reason for him to be secretive then I'd be asking more serious questions.

Kaluki · 02/07/2012 12:01

There is also the element of control there too. Everyone has the right to privacy - it doesn't mean they are up to no good.
My ex used to check my phone constantly as he was convinced I was having an affair (I wasn't). He kicked off at me and called me a lesbian once because I ended a text to my best friend of 30 years with a 'xx'

JustFabulous · 02/07/2012 12:01

If he can't satisfy you then why are you with him? Do both of you a favour and finish things.

Paiviaso · 02/07/2012 12:01

Another one here who thinks you've answered your own question.

You are maybe negative about his daughter, so he is dealing with her on his own. Not ideal, but maybe the easiest way to keep life calm in his eyes.

If you don't believe he is really texting his daughter (you do sound like you believe him, from the ending tone of your post) then that is a separate issue. Relationships would be a good place for advice on potential cheating spouses.

Pandemoniaa · 02/07/2012 12:05

I'm interested in why you describe your partner's daughter as the Other Woman. It is revealing, to say the least.

I can understand that constant, and secretive, texting could be annoying and suspicious but if you describe his daughter as a drama queen and have made it clear that you are "fed up with constant dramas from said daughter" then I'm wondering what else you expect your dp to do. Because I suspect he'll be in the wrong either way.

It can be difficult when you live with someone who has their own children (I recall the Christmas that dp was asked to sort out the purse that dsd left on a ferry 12,000 miles away!) but you don't make life any easier if you put them in a position where they feel they must choose between you and their children. Because the children will always come first.

YABU.

perfectstorm · 02/07/2012 12:09

I think it's worth pointing out that the daughter may want some privacy, too. If she and the OP don't get along and it is say boyfriend problems, she may be more open with her father than she would her stepmother. I can appreciate that. OP trusts her husband not to be cheating, so really I think he is behaving understandably. Nobody likes someone they love to criticise their kids, either.

And it is an 18 year old's job to have endless drama! Or maybe that was just me.

WorraLiberty · 02/07/2012 12:11

If I remember rightly, the OP doesn't live with her DP and is not the girl's step mother.

TheRhubarb · 02/07/2012 12:23

I hadn't read the latest post from the OP.
But that and worra's puts it into perspective a little.

Pokeypants - it IS kinda weird how you described her as the OW. Do you feel as though she is coming between you and your partner? Are you jealous of the attention she gets?

You may think that at 18 she should stand on her own two feet, but when do you ever stop needing your father? 18 is a difficult age. Her parents have split up and she may be having relationship problems herself. Her father must feel pretty bad at walking out on her and her mother, even if things are amicable, so he wants to be there for her.

If you don't cut your attitude towards his daughter you will lose him, which doesn't sound like it would be too much of a big deal with regards to your comment about him not satisfying you. Why not ask if you can help? Why not get involved? Then you can share his concerns and lessen the burden on him.

Or you can continue to be selfish. In which case I think you should reconsider your relationship and yourself someone who comes without kids.

Shullbit · 02/07/2012 12:24

I don't have a child that DP isn't the father of, but for example, if my sister (teenager who is like a daughter to me) was texting me, and I was texting her a lot, DP would just more than likely look a bit puzzled, ask if everything is ok (as I don't tend to text a lot), I would say "just xxx, something is bothering her" and he would nod, probably pray I don't continue to bore him of the latest boyfriend or what not issue, and carry on with whatever he was doing.

The fact he was sheepish, isn't great but can be down to the OP's "fed up of constant drama" attitude. Also, his answer should be enough (unless there are loads of other reasons indicating he is up to no good)

Sounds innocent to me. And the daughter probably asked for him to not share her problems. She is an adult and deserves her wishes of privacy to be respected.

Original poster

pokeypants · 02/07/2012 12:41

Incase anyone mistook what I meant my worrying on wkend about it being another woman turned out to be wrong he claims. Not textin ow only his daughter but failed to mention anythin to me about it at time. I'm not sayin his dd is ow.

OP posts:

TheRhubarb · 02/07/2012 12:50

Why would you automatically assume it was another woman though? Has he done something like this before?

He's secretive with his texts for one weekend (although not that secretive as it turns out) and you fear the worst?

Either way, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship you have there.

squeakytoy · 02/07/2012 12:52

"i couldn't really see him straying he cant satisfy one woman he'd be dead with two on the go"

doesnt sound like you should be with him anyway..

Pandemoniaa · 02/07/2012 12:58

I'm not sayin his dd is ow

Well your thread title certainly suggested you were!

Shullbit · 02/07/2012 13:06

I "think" I get what OP means. She thought it was another woman he was texting, due to the secrecy. Then it turned out to be his daughter.

What I don't get though, is that above statement when you yourself has stated that you don't believe he can be cheating, as he "can't satisfy one woman nevermind two", so why did you ever think there was another woman?

Pandemoniaa · 02/07/2012 13:10

You speak of your partner (and his daughter) in very disparaging terms. I'm wondering what either of you get out of this relationship.

Original poster

pokeypants · 02/07/2012 13:20

Maybe I assume the worst as he has cheated on me before but it was a long time ago and short lived but perhaps the trust has gone now anyway:-(

OP posts:

ohchristFENTON · 02/07/2012 13:27

I get what you mean OP, - he was texting,surreptitiously you felt, and you had a pang of suspicion or jealousy and it turned out it wasn't another woman in that sense but his daughter.

I think other posters are right, if you have made it clear in the past that her presence, level of contact or need for her father's attention has irritated you then he will naturally be cagey about their conversations/contact as he doesn't want 'hassle' from you. Perhaps you have tutted or rolled your eyes too many times when she's 'phoned/texted/turned up unannounced?

You can fix this if you can say to him that perhaps you haven't really thought before about her feelings, you could be more understanding that she still needs him, still wants to hear his opinion - perhaps he could even ask your opinion on things?

Best to bridge this gap now and have her see you at least as someone she can chat with otherwise the resentment will grow on both sides and you wouldn't want him to be forced to chose between you.

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