to think this person should attempt to care for the children they have got before producing another one?

[GnocchiNineDoors]

A family friend has taken in, one by one, the four DCs of her cousin. At around two, they move in with her permanently and stay until they leave as an adult.

Said friend has two children of her own who are now adults, living elsewhere with their own partners and families, and while I know she obviously accepts these children into her life and cares for them (very well), I feel for her in that she's done her bit. She's raised her kids.

I am unsure of the reasons behind the cousin not being able or willing to care for her own DC, and accept that she may find motherhood hard, may have health issues, may be unable to support them financially or emotionally. For that reason, I think it's great of Family Friend to step in and take care of the DCs.

The cousin sees the DCs one afternoon a week (on average).

This cousin has now announced that she is pregnant, and taking the very excited "eeek, another baby, yeah!!!!!!" stance. She is excited that she is to "be a Mummy for the fifth time, whooooop!!!!".

AM I BU to actually think "another child to dump on Family Friend, you irresponsible cow"

Yy, you may think that well, she might 'do it right' this time.....well, she has four DCs who she could take back and do it right for before having yet another one.

YAnbu
Although you don't know the circumstances there isn't much to misinterpret there. I have to say I have this thought a lot working with young people in the care system. You get a small number of people who have 5,6,10 children in care and they still procreate further. A shame.

Without anymore information (and tbf I cant think of any genuine circumstances but no doubt will be corrected) YANBU.

YANBU.

It seems to me she pops these kids out and then when she gets bored of them and wants to go back to living a child free life she palms them off to her family member!
Where are all these kid's dad in this situation.
If I was your friend I would have been demanding child support from this woman for raising her children!

Yanbu and 1 afternoon a week doesn't make her a mummy to 5

Where is the dad?

Is it a private fostering agreement?

Took the words right out of my mouth softly. Some people try for years to have kids, some may not be able. Stories like this make me feel so annoyed!

Yes - where is the father in all this?

How old are the children?

Gnocchi your friend would do well to involve SS - perhaps the baby would be better off adopted if the mum is not committed to long term caring for a child to adulthood

It's not uncommon for some people to get bored of their child once the baby phase has passed and they start into toddlerhood.

Based on what you've put here YA totallyNBU, those poor children

And on an incredibly selfish note I get a bit miffed when parents with lots of kids do things like this because it gives us all a bad name . When I was in hospital having my dc no.6 some random woman on learning I had six dc asked me if they all had different fathers and if the others were in foster care

So the cousin claims the tax credits/cb for these children?

maytheodds

How rude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This sounds awful, are SS aware of the situation? those poor poor children

Does this woman have learning difficulties? is she being given any support from SS? That way she may well be able to take care of her own children? it all sounds a very rum set up

I see this a lot in my work. I agree that the bio-mom needs to get herself some birth control if she can't get herself any self control!

In many of the cases I see the moms usually have mental health/drug problems that make a relationship with a man more important than anything and they often get pregnant because it's his way to control her and it's her way to try to keep/please him. It is also very manly for him to be towing around a preggo GF, see, he does have sperm! It also keeps her vulnerable to him. It's all very stupid and complicated!

They also get preggers so that someone will love them, when of course, babies are love suckers, not love givers. they dont start giving until they are older, and then the say things like "I hate you! why can't I go to x with y?" So it's not all a bowl of cherries.

So YANBU and she is BVVVU, and needs to learn about contraception!

Your friend is why I still have faith in humanity!

Argh, my messages keep vanishing

DC1 and 2 - same father, DC 3 and 4 and (I assume) 5 - same father. Irrelevant in the main, except that this means there are three adults who are involved that have all detatched from their DCs.

Youngest (excluding PG) is 9. The rest are betwee n 13 and 20.

FFs own children are 25 and 30. FF gets Child Benefit, I know that, but Im really not sure of whether she receives additional financial support. I think the main reason FF has taken in the DCs is to stop them becoming 'children in care'. It's a shame that Cousin is totally and uterly abusing her good nature to keep reproducing.

maytheodds If I met you in the labour ward having your sixth, i'd be like, RESPECT!!! lol Anyone else is just plain rude (and probably a bit jealous)

You don't say whether or not your cousin has learning difficulties or has mh issues? she sounds like she needs help, and not the help she is getting from her FF as well meaning and lovely as she sounds.

This has really touched a nerve with me because I feel so sorry for them kids! I was one of those kids, my mum dumped me on my grandparents because I was a 'problem child'. I grew up so angry and wondered what I did wrong. I hope them kids don't go through the same because it causes horrific issues as you get older, especially with regards to trusting people. I have so much respect for your friend who is trying to provide them kids with a loving home.

I would blaime this on the lack of after care for parents, unable to parent full time for reasons other than disability.

The underfunding of adult services is partly to blaime for this.

It is supposedly because of a lack of funding, but the child protection system costs more than, 'fixing' the parents would.

Having worked closely with families and particulary mothers who have multiple children in the care system, i cannot help but to feel nothing but sorrow for everyone involved.

What a waste of a life, for some and i watch the pain that they go through, but are unable to break out of the cycle.

Believe it or not, they are human to and suffer themselves, however they come across to lay people.

So it sounds to me like she enjoys being pregnant, the attention you get with a newborn etc etc, maybe enjoys the 'baby bit' but when they get to 2 years old and start to become real little people with their own thoughts and opinions and parenting is actually required rather than just meeting basic needs, then she fails??

That's how I'm reading it and based on that I am thinking YANBU and what the cousin would really benefit from is some decent parenting classes.

Obviously I may have this wrong, but this is what I have interpreted.

Poor children

So it could be a private fostering agreement. Don't SS have to act after a child has been away from parents after 28 days and do an assessment?

The Cousin has no spcial needs that I am aware of, and that my family are aware of (FF is friend of my parents too).

Pareting classes would be a brilliant thing for her to do, but I don;t think that she would be very receptive towards the idea of them.

I believe FF has been in contact with SS when this all started and it was agreed that they could remain with her and their mother be able to be a part of their lives day to day. I dont think FF thought long term about future DC and what would happen if the cousin had any more DC. Once the next one, then two, then three came along, she sort of resigned herself to the fact that she had decided to help out and felt duty bound to care for all of the children, as she had done the first.

Baylon, I think you may have interpreted correctly. She will, true to form, be cock-a-hoop when DC5 comes along and be the doting new mother, proudly displaying her latest family member....then before long, FF will have to step in.

The SW will be monitoring the fostering of the children and each birth will be treated as a new case, so new assessments done etc.

It will then be the cousin that is putting herself forward for an assessment as a carer.

I doubt that this is just a case of needing parenting classes, as there must be attachment issues.

I am wondering a possible Personality Disorder that prevents parenting, but there are multible reasons why babies can be left with a parent but not children.