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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse sex when we're not in a good place?

78 replies

WingingItBadly · 01/07/2012 19:56

DH wanting afternoon sex with the dc's being out, but I'm not happy with him at he moment and said no.
He's now in a strop!

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 04/07/2012 01:44

sometimes a quickie can smooth things over, & It's about reconnecting sometimes and sometimes it's easier to talk things over once you are both relaxed* (same poster)

What valium said. Then he wouldn't be in a strop and you could be having a nice evening

and tend to agree with valium and yellowraincoat that sex can go some way to helping things get back on track

All suggesting that perhaps op should just do it. That is how it reads to me anyway! And it is unacceptable to advise anyone to have sex when they don't want to. Op is not being unreasonable to say no, however the above responses insinuate that she is.

AltruisticEnigma · 04/07/2012 01:46

It's always OK to refuse sex. If you don't want to have it you don't have it, simple as that.

differentnameforthis · 04/07/2012 01:47

OP drip fed and once she had said what she was angry about not one person suggested anything other than being pissed off with dh!

But she didn't have to explain!!! You take her post at face value, which was that she was unhappy with her dh & didn't sex with him. In that case, regardless of her reasons, she is NBU!!

Thumbwitch · 04/07/2012 01:57

I would have said YANBU anyway as I can't imagine having sex while being pissed off with DH, even if it was only something minor! It wouldn't smooth anything over for me, only piss me off worse that he was being such an insensitive prick.

After the reason, no way! Isms of any kind are pretty offputting, and when it's your own DS that's bearing the brunt of it, yuk.

valiumredhead · 04/07/2012 08:22

depends why you aren't happy with him

the thing about cherry picking bits of someone's post is that you miss out vital bits Hmm

looktoshinford · 04/07/2012 09:14

So you dont like that your husband is unhappy at his son being gay, so you withheld sex as a weapon in your argument with him? Does that about sum things up?

YABU OP. DH isnt stropping about no sex, hes stropping that you are using it as a bargaining tool.

hairylemon · 04/07/2012 09:43

urgh, "withheld sex as a weapon" why does that statement make me feel stabby?

YANBU OP, its not as if you have "withheld" sex because he didnt wash the pots, hes being a prick about your son. I couldnt even be with someone like that let alone shag him.

wisecamel · 04/07/2012 10:00

I think that in long term relationships, sex can be more complicated than that - it's often about bonding and comfort. So, if you've had a fight with DH and have said what you need to, you might not agree, but sex might make you feel relaxed with each other again, kind of, "I don't agree with you about this, but we are good together, perhaps we can sort something out?" Also, being refused sex in a long term relationship is a big deal, it says that your partner isn't interested in giving or receiving pleasure with you because what they are angry about is a deal breaker. It sounds like he's being a git about DS, but also that his mother thinks similarly - is this an upbringing thing? Perhaps he is genuinely shocked and disappointed? Perhaps he is questioning his own masculinity as his DS has come out? I am not making excuses for his behaviour - of course he should be supporting his son, but sometimes a quickie can smooth things over, like valium said, affirm that you still love him and pave the way to repaired relationships. Just a thought. Unless you hate him now, in which case, of course don't.

differentnameforthis · 04/07/2012 10:37

So you dont like that your husband is unhappy at his son being gay, so you withheld sex as a weapon in your argument with him? Does that about sum things up?

No it doesn't. Op is upset with her dh for being vile to their newly outed gay son. She isn't withholding sex as a weapon, she doesn't want to be intimate with him because right now, he just isn't that attractive to her because he is being an arse.

hairylemon · 04/07/2012 10:57

yes but different the OPs H needs to know he is still loved and we all know the best way of doing that dont we?

Ormiriathomimus · 04/07/2012 11:05

No YANBU.

looktoshinford · 04/07/2012 11:08

OP is using her fanjo as a barganing chip.

They'll be at it like rabbits the minute he 'changes his mind' and embraces his sons sexuality.

differentnameforthis · 04/07/2012 11:09

yes but different the OPs H needs to know he is still loved and we all know the best way of doing that dont we?

Seriously? If so then I would never have sex I didn't want in order to make my dh feel loved. Especially if he was acting like a twat! Because having to do something I didn't want, wouldn't make me feel loved at all! And I wouldn't see why I would have to make a huge effort for someone who is being vile to my child.

If not seriously, well then disregard all I just said & Grin

hairylemon · 04/07/2012 11:24

Lookto, I just dont think its U to not want sex with someone who is being a twat, especially about his own son. Why the hell would I? Its even weirder to me to be angry, have sex, and still be angry Confused. And yes they may be at it like rabbits once the argument has been 'solved', what exactly is the problem with that? Confused

Different haha, no I wasnt being serious at all Grin. Im an adult and understand that its ok for people to not have sex with someone they are angry with, or that a man doesnt need to have sex to prove he is still a man because his son has announced his homosexuality Hmm

manicbmc · 04/07/2012 11:29

How is the OP using her 'fanjo' as a bargaining chip? Confused

It is her body and she can choose to not have sex with an ignorant twat if she wants. She hasn't said 'if you change your mind, I'll shag you' ffs. She has intimated that she doesn't want to have sex with him as he is behaving badly towards their ds and is now sulking.

I don't think I'd want to have sex with an immature homophobe either.

looktoshinford · 04/07/2012 11:32

Nothing wrong with that at all hairylemon. A DH who annoys should get no sex until he stops annoying, and then he will be rewarded for being a good boy. Or something.

OPs DH is getting no sex due to a difference of opinion between him and the OP. Its sex as a tool to get what she wants, whether the OP consciously acknowledges this or not.

manicbmc · 04/07/2012 11:34

It's not just a difference of opinion! He's alienating their ds by treating him appallingly because he is gay.

manicbmc · 04/07/2012 11:35

I knew someone who refused to have sex with her dh until she got a new kitchen - seriously! Now that is using sex as a tool.

Ormiriathomimus · 04/07/2012 11:40

SHe's pissed of with him. No-one wants to have sex with someone with whom they are upset. Refusing sex isn't going to make her DH suddenly stop being a homophobic twat - perhaps it's the realisation that he isn't the person she thought that is making her less than keen to shag him. I think it might dent my libido a little Hmm

Krumbum · 04/07/2012 12:10

Looktoshineford
What is the other option? Just have sex whenever her husband decides he wants sex? Be his sex slave at his beck and call? Many things can make someone not want sex, being sad or angry is one of them.
Sex shouldn't be about him 'getting sex' it should be a mutual experience, op is not just a way for her husband to come!

hairylemon · 04/07/2012 12:13

Lookto - have you misread the OP? He is not just being annoying, he is being a twat about their own son. No-one except you thinks she is using sex to get what she wants, she just doesnt want sex with a twat. There is a difference and its a shame that you cant see it.

Can you honestly not see the problem with "you are behaving awful towards our son, I dont feel like having sex but I will anyway because you need to know I still love you, and you need to vaccinate yourself so you wont catch "gay" off our son by having sex with me, and then we'll carry on being angry with each other"?

looktoshinford · 04/07/2012 12:24

I'm not saying the OP should sleep with her DH is she doesn't want to.

I'm just saying that if she does want to, but doesn't as a form of punishment ('DH wanting afternoon sex with the dc's being out, but I'm not happy with him at he moment and said no') should be seen exactly for what it is.

differentnameforthis · 04/07/2012 12:34

hairylemon Grin

hairylemon · 04/07/2012 12:35

ahh I see, fair enough if you've only read the OP. Im going off the other posts she made where its pretty clear she doesnt want to have sex with him.

differentnameforthis · 04/07/2012 12:37

looktoshinford

It is nothing to do with a difference of opinion Her dh is being horrible about their son's sexuality. That isn't as simple as 'red walls are better than white' It is THEIR SON. Her dh is giving him hard time about being gay.

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