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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have just walked out of my mum's house shaking with rage

75 replies

BlackholesAndRevelations · 01/07/2012 17:22

...because she hit my toddler daughter?!

It was only a tap on the bum but WE DO NOT DO THIS and she knows it! I actually said, "how dare you?!" Have never spoken to my mum like that but having my own kids, well... I'm different bow I suppose, and someone else hitting my child was like a red rag to a bull. Mumsnet jury?

OP posts:

NervousAt20 · 01/07/2012 22:18

YANBU at all!!! No one has the right to lay one finger on your child! Especially if you don't do it yourself then why should you jus accept that your DM did, I would be angry and have left and would deffinatly expect an apology and once i got one and made sure my DM understood it was to never happen again then I would Move on

littlepie · 01/07/2012 22:20

I'd have a calm word with her about how this has upset you and explain why it can't happen again.

I've had a couple of situations where my DM has done things wth my DC the way she "thinks" it should be. Sometimes I just let it go, she is their DGM after all and like others have said it might just be a quick reaction.

However on a big issue like this I'd challenge her. Your child, your way. DM has then got a bit arsey when I've done this but this is only because she knows I'm right and it hasn't happened again!

creativepebble · 01/07/2012 22:29

YANBU, totally not. Very difficult situation for you I can see that, but be strong. They are YOUR children and times and attitudes have changed.

Your children, your rules. If it was her house, it must STILL be your rules about HOW you discipline them.

Try to speak with your Mother calmly and help her see that this is NOT and NEVER WILL BE how you want your children to be raised. After all, she doesn't want them to fear her and therefore not want to see her, does she?

It may only have been a tap on the bottom, but in your view it was unnecessary and wrong and she needs to try to see that. I had this discussion with my Dad just the other day. I was hit as a child, as were my siblings. We were talking about how I am raising my children. It was very difficult to get him to see that hitting (ie physical abuse) is wrong. Good luck OP x

Nanny0gg · 01/07/2012 22:29

So - was it a tap or a smack?

In your mum's (possible) defence it may well have been a complete reflex. I've certainly been close to doing the same when faced with a similar situation.

I think you over-reacted, but where you have explained your feelings regarding your own upbringing I can see why you reacted as you did.

Can you give her an opening to apologise?

cunexttuesonline · 01/07/2012 22:34

YANBU.

Wrt the tap/smack thing, why would someone try to discipline a child by 'tapping' them so that they could not feel it? Surely it has to be felt/be sore to be a punishment for whatever they are being disciplined about? Otherwise what would be the point? So it's a smack...

mummytime · 01/07/2012 22:47

YANBU
Your Child your rules, we even had this as a child when I lived with my Grandmother.

(Does anyone know what has happened to MNet, with so many pro-smacking people coming out of the woodwork?)

Original poster

BlackholesAndRevelations · 01/07/2012 23:10

My daughter was stunned, just stood there! She's no longer in nappies so she would have felt it. I have calmed down now but I still firmly believe that no one should hit my children and that she should be the one to apologise, which I would of course accept. I just get the feeling it'll end up being me doing the running.

Anyway thanks all for the responses x

OP posts:

WingingItBadly · 01/07/2012 23:12

Don't do the running.

You're in the right so stand your ground- quietly & calmly but stand your ground

EllenParsons · 01/07/2012 23:16

YANBU

My parents smacked me as a child and I actually still somewhat resent them for this. If they smacked a child of mine or even made any comments threatening to "smack their bum" or anything similar I would be furious.

MyLittleChicken · 02/07/2012 00:37

I agree the mum was out of order smacking your child without your permission. I don't hit my children therefore no-one else is allowed to either. I gave my mum and dad permission to tell my kids off, put them in time out etc but NEVER hit. I would be in a right strop with my mum or anyone for that matter if they ever touched one single hair on my kids' head xxxxxxx

NoComet · 02/07/2012 00:43

Oh please, our parents generation haven't a clue why our generation gets so hung up about hitting children.

Personally neither have I.

Pandemoniaa · 02/07/2012 00:52

Oh please, our parents generation haven't a clue why our generation gets so hung up about hitting children.

I'm always interested in this sort of generalisation because I have a suspicion that I might actually be "our parents generation". However, I was also intolerant about hitting children (as were all my friends) and wouldn't have readily tolerated anyone taking it upon themselves to hit mine. So I think we might be thinking of a much earlier generation if looking for a time when striking children was assumed to be an essential part of raising them.

I'm also always a bit meh about the constant "my house/children/wedding - my rules" mantra because it gets trotted out so constantly and used as a simplistic conclusion. But equally, even if my dcs had been in their grandparent's house I still expected my mother and ILS to respect my preferences so far as corporal punishment was concerned.

So YANBU in expecting similarly, OP but I wouldn't allow what happened to cause a huge rift between you and your mother. Instead, I suggest you point out that you really aren't happy about what happened and hope that there won't be a re-occurrence.

bogeyface · 02/07/2012 00:55

I think smacking can be ok as a form of discipline, I also think that not smacking is ok too.

But it isnt about smacking. Its about her overstepping a boundary. Your child pushed her brother over and needed disciplining. You were there so it was your job to do it, but she took that upon herself, and in doing so totally disregarded your rules. That is wrong.

However as she has talked about your rules with other people it sounds like she understands and respects them but as a smacker herself, she acted on auto pilot. You may find that the reason you havent had an apology yet is because she is appalled at herself and doesnt know what to say.

Give her a chance to apologise and explain. Calmly explain your feelings and then let go.

If she doesnt, well then I would make sure that she isnt allowed any unsupervised time with your children, but I very much doubt it will come to that.

FiftyShadesofViper · 02/07/2012 00:59

YANBU in that she is your child and your mother should respect your way of doing things whether she agrees with you or not.

Have to say though in our family there is a large age gap between DB1, myself and DB2. DB1 and I have raised our (now grown-up) children with firm standards and the very occasional smack, they have all grown into lovely young people. DB2's children are never smacked, for all the reasons cited in this thread, and are far worse behaved than their cousins ever were.

nokidshere · 02/07/2012 01:17

I get that you are upset and have every right to be - even more so since your mother knows your rules and chose not to stick to them.

But i disagree with the people saying make her apologise, let her do the running - its childish and immature and life is simply too short to let these things blow up into massive situations.

Call your mum, tell her why you are angry and give her a chance to apologise for what she did. And by that I mean apologise to you for crossing your rules - not for tapping your daughter on the bum.

NoComet · 02/07/2012 01:38

I'm a child of the late 60's and my dad was, perhaps a bit stricter than some.
DHs is 3 years older, but his parents were 10 and 20+ years older than mine.
Dh's dad was the same generation as my grandfather.

DollysDrawers · 02/07/2012 01:46

I disagree that our parents generation don't get the no smacking thing. I'm 45 and was never smacked as a child, it just wasn't done in our house and I don't do it to my kids either.

I think the OP's mum crossed a line here particularly as she knows that you don't smack. I fail to see how not allowing your mother to smack your child means you are being disrespectful, that's absurd. She should also show you and your choices respect. I wouldn't be wanting a rift over this but I'd certainly be making my feelings on the matter known.

sashh · 02/07/2012 04:27

Because, I'm sorry, in my book a tap isn't a hit, slap, clout or any other form of 'beating', And that makes a difference.

It might when it is your own child but not with someone else's child.

Chubfuddler · 02/07/2012 04:43

The ops mother overstepped two boundaries. She leapt in to discipline even though the op was there and perfectly capable of dealing with the incident herself, and she administered a form of discipline she knows the op does not approve of. I don't blame you for being furious.

hoops997 · 02/07/2012 05:58

I'm pro smacking and not ashamed to say it, DS now is threatened with a smack on the bottom and it works, he stops in his tracks, he has never had a beating ever just taps on the bottom with a nappy on.

I also say to my mother if he's naughty then threaten a smack and if he's still naughty he gets a smack.

It never did me any harm so OP I think you have totally over reacted and I think YABU

I really don't care about being flamed because as you all keep saying my child, my rules.

TheEnglishWomanInTheAttic · 02/07/2012 06:15

Absolutely agree, regardless of the rights or wrongs or degrees of smacking, the OP's mum was very firmly in the wrong to smack OP's child when 1) OP was there, so it was in no way her mum's business to be doing any disciplining and 2) OP has made it clear to her mum that she does not smack and does not want smacking used to discipling her child.

I would be furious too, and your mum needs to remember your child is your child, being a grandparent (unless in loco-parentis, which she wasn't) is a totally different thing to being a parent.

sashh · 02/07/2012 06:24

I also say to my mother if he's naughty then threaten a smack and if he's still naughty he gets a smack.

Even if you are there?

conorsrockers · 02/07/2012 06:46

Get a grip - it's a tap on the bum.
Total overreaction. Feel sorry for your Mum.

mummytime · 02/07/2012 07:54

So all of you who think the OP is BU? If your parent does something to your child against you personal boundaries would you not get cross/ speak out?
Eg. If your parent swore at your child, or told them off for something you allow (in your house)?

Who else do you allow to discipline your child as they see fit?

If I am with my child my rules go. If anyone looks after my child I expect them to follow the basic (big rules), eg. no smacking or important diet rules etc. If my child is naughty and I am there, I do not expect anyone else to butt in, unless there is immediate danger, and then just the automatic grabbing.
Maybe it was a reflex from the OPs Mother but she should have apologised if it was.

Respect is a two way street. If the OPs mother doesn't respect her to follow her parenting rules, then how can the OP respect her mother?

There have been plenty of people over the last 100 years who have not used smacking as a form of child control, it really isn't that outlandish. I am sure that most MNers parents will know people who didn't smack, even if they thought they were a bit weird.

IawnCont · 02/07/2012 08:10

I don't think it makes much of a difference whether it was a tap or a slap- The child sees physical lashing out is her punishment, and that's something the OP sounds like she probably doesn't want.
My sister did something similar a few years ago- We were around the dinner table and DS (4 at the time) was reaching for some bread and touched a few other bits of bread whilst getting one. DSis grabbed his hand and squeezed it quite hard, and gave him a telling off. DS was quite upset and left to go to the toilet to recover his composure (it was a silly thing to do but he wasn't thinking, and wasn't being deliberately naughty, just forgot his manners for a bit.) DSis said "what's wrong with him?" and I resisted the temptation to go fucking mental said "he's shocked because you used your physical power to punish him. We don't do that to our children. Don't do it again." She was shocked and very apologetic.

I have only smacked my child once, on the bottom, and it was me who had lost control, not him. It didn't hurt him, but 5 years later I still go cold when I think about it. It was a horrible thing to do, no matter how naughty he was being. YANBU.

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