To have just walked out of my mum's house shaking with rage

[BlackholesAndRevelations]

...because she hit my toddler daughter?!

It was only a tap on the bum but WE DO NOT DO THIS and she knows it! I actually said, "how dare you?!" Have never spoken to my mum like that but having my own kids, well... I'm different bow I suppose, and someone else hitting my child was like a red rag to a bull. Mumsnet jury?

Your dc your rules!

She has no right to ignore your wishes

Had issues with the mil when dc's were little so stopped taking them until she agreed to stick to our rules. Not agree with them just stick to them.

With us it was about taking them to church - we said no but she did it anyway

She got the message

YANBU to be angry and upset with your mum, she definitely should not have done this and should be called on it.

If it was a "first offense" and your mum had not previously understood your line on this, I think it might be a bit U to actually storm out. Unless she is deliberately ignoring known instructions, and unless "tap" is a massive understatement, it sounds like a bit of an over-reaction.

If it was a proper wallop, or if you've talked to her about this before, then definitely YANBU about any of it.

I don't agree with smacking and wouldn't be happy either but ... was your child running wild, been told off and you standing back letting it happen disregarding her rules?

YANBU.

I've had words with my mil today for telling ds (aged 4) off for wetting himself and shaming him by walking him out of the bathroom with his wet trousers and pants around his ankles to show mummy "what a bad thing he'd done"

I just said to ds, nevermind it's just an accident, sorted him out, and when he went off to play gave her a grilling and told her never to treat him that way again for having an accident.

I meant to say that if we don't stand up for them when others mistreat them, then who will?

You were totally right to be angry with her and leave.

No yanbu
Headfirst that is disgusting, I would have gone bonkers.

No you are not being unreasonable, and I really don't care what your toddler dd might have done! I don't allow smacking either.

No matter whether it was a tap or a slap, and no matter what her opinion on smacking - your child, your rules. If you've made it clear you don't want anyone raising their hand to your DC then she was completely out of order, and YANBU.

I don't think this is a 'smacking v non smacking' issue to be honest.

It's unacceptable to smack anyone else's child, whether the parents smack them or not.

I did explain but my post seems to have gone... Or it's on the other one (original thread posted twice for some reason?!)

She KNOWS I don't hit and even told my nana that.

I would give her the chance to apologise if she bothered to do so- which she hasnt. Was half expecting a text but if she thinks she's done nothing wrong then I don't know how I'll feel.

Toddler shoved her baby brother. It happened quickly and she didn't give me a chance to react before her palm met my child's backside! She wasn't running wild. I do think my parents find het a bit tricky but they respond by shouting/ getting angry rather than distracting which is what pil do.

Yrs I was hit as a child. Achieved nothing except for making me terrified and then lash out myself at my brother. My biological father is a useless waste of space (never see him) and I love my mum dearly but don't necessarily agree with how we were raised and therefore am doing things differently with my own. Shrs even told me more than once that she thinks I'm doing a better job!

YABVU! that is your mother for crying out loud! and its only a tap on the bum seriously this culture has no respect for elders. That is her grandchild, does she have no right to reasonably discipline her? you are acting as though she gave your DC a right old beating! That's such an over reaction. You need to learn to respect your mother.

I was brought up believing children should be seen and not heard- wasn't often played with, just left to my own devices with brother. I never really felt like we were anything special. Not many trips out or even just quality time playing board games. OH has fond memories of playing games with his parents for hours on end. (sorry- floodgates!) much as I don't want my children feeling that the world revolves around them, I want them to know that they're the centre of ours, and to look back with much fondness on their childhoods.

Not to mention that I think it's utterly ludicrous to punish violence with more violence.

As your mum has said that she thinks you are doing a better job than she did with you then let this blow over. She sounds like a mum who you can discuss child raising with,so chat it through.

Yes she can discipline my children in the same way that we have chosen to. They may be her grandchildren but they're still my children!

Jaffacake- I don't think I should be the one to apologise though, surely? If she did I'd accept it straight away- she is my mum after all, but I just can't even begin to describe how it made me feel when she hit toddler- tap or no tap. Hard to explain.

ajuba, whilst I agree a bum smack is hardly a beating, why does that make this culture have no respect for elders, and why does her being the OP's mother give her a license to do anything , respect goes both ways.

I didn't say it gives her the licence to do anything, its just all this talk about "my child my rules." its just different in other cultures where grandparents are, well trusted and respected a bit more. as far as I'm concerned my mum has just as much right to discipline my child as I do.

YANBU.

Teaching your DD not to hit by hitting...?

Overruling your wishes on how to discipline your children.

Could be hard to trust her again if she a. doesn't respect your wishes or b. lashes out without thinking when she gets cross.

YANBU to be annoyed but YABU to get in a rage about it. It was a tap and not a beating.

Presumably ajuba you and your Mum discipline your children in the same way. However, if she thought that a good beating was called for and you thought 2 minutes on the naughty step was the answer, you would not endorse her 'right' to do this.

But the OPs mother did not give her grand daughter a good beating, it was a tap on the bum! that's why i think she is being unreasonable and disrespecting her mother.

I think you need to calm down. Do not ruin your relationship with your mother because of this. You said it was just 'a tap'. Make sure that you speak to her tomorrow, and have a chat about it calmly. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill.

Yeah, Ajuba. I'll let my kids trust their grandmother. She lies, she's abusive, she's violent.
My children, my rules. That's it. No discussion.
The OP has already said that she was hit as a kid, ergo she has changed the parenting rules for her children. That in itself demands respect, she is not carrying on a cycle of violence.

yanbu to be annoyed and to expect your mum to respect your rules, my own parents will discipline my children but they would never smack them!

i have to ask tho, when you say a 'tap' was it a tap on a nappy clad bottom that your dd probably didnt even feel? not that it really matters but i would probably have stated that is NOt ok and we dont do that, not stormed out however if anyone smacked my child and they felt it/it hurt etc then i would do the storming out and be properly cross but a tap on a nappy clad bum is something that wouldnt bother me as much, purely because when playing wiht my dd i tap her bum, generally as i make a joke about her having a stinky bum if she has just farted and is giggling! its not a smack, i guess i would say its a playful pat, but obviously the intent with your mum was different which is where the line was crossed.

No ajuba it wasn't a beating but it was clearly and specifically outside the OP's 'no hitting' rules. And presumably there is a line which - if your Mum crossed - you would put your foot down. Or could she literally do anything to your dc and you wouldn't say anything for fear of 'disrespecting' her?

I guess you will say your Mum would never cross your line - which is great, lucky for you. But the OP's mum did.

And good on her for being part of a culture that questions and challenges and makes positive change.