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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my mother should not offer any advice to my brother and his wife about their marriage?

42 replies

Shecot · 01/07/2012 15:32

I love my mum and she is a great person, truly she is: kind, hard-working etc but she can be overbearing and a bit of a know -it -all.

My brother and his wife are going through a very rough patch; no abuse or anything, but very rough. Brother told mum (he lives 200 miles away) and mum gave him advice and asked to speak to my sister-in-law to give her advice about the marriage, too, the advice was for them to part.

I don't know how well the advice went down, you know how it is: you only get one side, but I think my mum should just stay out of it. Not for my brother's sake or his wife's-they really should split up as their relationship has been dysfunctional for years but that's not the point IYSWIM- but for her's.

AIBU?

OP posts:

lovebunny · 01/07/2012 16:20

your mum can't help being herself. she'll have to give advice and they'll have to take it or ignore it, at will.

Kladdkaka · 01/07/2012 16:24

Isn't this what mums are supposed to do?

Dprince · 01/07/2012 16:29

If it bothers him that she is over bearing, he shouldn't have involved her.
Maybe he and is dw is happy for her input. You said you don't know what response she got so yabu.

Original poster

Shecot · 01/07/2012 16:29

I know that she can't help giving advice; but my sil can be a right bitch and I just fear all of this might backfire on mum. I also think when kids get married, they sort things out themselves as a couple.
My brother and sil are OK as individuals (known them before they got together and they were nice people) just really dysfunctional together, and as it happens I do agree with my mum's assessment. She is absolutely right but I'd refrain from saying so to them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shecot · 01/07/2012 16:34

In fact it worries me because this happened a fortnight ago and mum has not heard a damned thing from my brother since in spite of sending them a letter (think brother said that they had a few money worries. Mum sent letter saying that she was unable to lend him money) about 10 days ago.

OP posts:

Trills · 01/07/2012 16:38

YABU to think it's up to you to decide.

If your bother wants advice, she can choose whether to give it or not.

If your brother does not want advice, she should stay out of it.

It is up to him to tell her if he wants advice or not.

Original poster

Shecot · 01/07/2012 17:04

I don't think it is up to me to decide; I just don't think mum is being wise. In fact, perhaps my thread should be called: Is it wise for my mum to offer advice to brother and my sister-in-law?

Sorry to drip feed but mum and sil have never gelled. It's like a cold war between them. In fact, there have been several incidents between them over the years. Yes, I appreciate I wasn't party to the conversation she had with my mother, but I can't imagine she'd take what my mum said well.
Good advice is never taken well if you dislike the giver.

And now? A fortnight later no update from brother, no acknowledgement of mum's letter.

OP posts:

DukeHumfrey · 01/07/2012 17:07

Have you considered phoning your brother yourself to check he's OK?

Original poster

Shecot · 01/07/2012 17:21

I think he is physically OK. I 'm not worried about him in that regard. Anyway, people I know know him IYSWIM.

OP posts:

localcrackpot · 02/07/2012 03:20

It sounds like your brother might have been asking for advice, or at least comment and sympathy, as he told your mum. If the issue is that you're worried that your mum will suffer for having given advice, you could always tell her if a similar situation arises again, in a "but won't SIL just kick off if you say anything?" way.
But then, of course, you'd be giving unsolicited advice to your mum

WinkyWinkola · 02/07/2012 06:17

He may have asked her for advice. But if not, then yes, I agree, she should just be a willing shoulder to cry on and ear to listen.

Anyway, it's nothing to do with you either really, is it? It's your mother's problem now, if it actually is a problem. I'd just keep well out of it. It's their marriage after all.

If they do work things out, I bet they will avoid your mother for saying they should split up.

mynewpassion · 02/07/2012 06:29

Your brother asked for advice. She should have given him the advice. However, your SIL didn't and your mother should've said nothing to her.

Original poster

Shecot · 02/07/2012 07:46

WinkyWinkola, that's what I am getting at; what if things do work out between them? This relationship has been dysfunctional for years, it's not an overnight thing.

I know that they've had some humdingers of arguments in the past but mum hasn't. Perhaps this is one of the latest which don't actually mean anything.

My sil is/was OK as an individual person, but since she has known my brother well, they're clearly not good for one another.
Mum has been shut out to a certain extent. She can be a pain in the arse, I admit, and I think that mum enjoyed the fact of now butting in and saying what she told me were a few 'home truths' between the couple.

Like I said, this thread should be called is mum wise to give advice.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 02/07/2012 08:01

She should have kept quiet IMO. Who knows what really goes on between two people.

Sometimes even if someone asks for advice, it's better to remain neutral but sympathetic. I mean, she could have suggested Relate or something constructive. Was she itching to stick her oar in? She'll get a bite on the bum for that, I reckon.

Whatever happens OP, I wouldn't involve yourself in any way, not even by telling your mum she should have kept quiet.

Original poster

Shecot · 02/07/2012 08:17

Knowing my mother, and, yes, she has some very good qualities, I do think that years of dislike about my sil would be released in her 'advice' to my sil.

I'm also a bit of a pragmatist in that I realise that the only third party that 'decides' whether a couple split up is the person that the dh or dw in a bad marriage is having an affair with. Seen it happen so many times. To be honest, advice from other sources regarding a serious issue like a marriage break-up seems to be only taken if it's what the other person really wants, so why bother giving advice at all?

Think mum has put herself in a potentially bad situation for nothing.

And, a fortnight later, nothing from my brother: no 'I got your letter, mum.' No phone calls. Makes it look as if he was asking my mum for a bit of cash and now she can't give it it is ' you', then.

But you are right, I won't say anything to my mother. I do, however, think that she was unwise to give her advice.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 02/07/2012 08:45

I cant understand why you havent rung your own brother to see how he is.

Original poster

Shecot · 02/07/2012 08:56

I know he is OK as a friend of mine is his work colleague. I'm not getting involved in their marriage issues. No way. I won't have it chucked at me that I said they should do this or that at a later date.

OP posts:

thevenerablebidet · 02/07/2012 09:45

Hmm. First she tells your brother that he should dump his wife - and I'm guessing there might have been an "I told you so element" in this, whether said explicitly or intentionally or not.

Then he gets a letter (why write rather than just calling?) to say that she cant help him out financially.

I'm not surprised he isn't speaking to her tbh. Not because she wouldn't lend him money, but because I don't think she's handled any of this very well. It might come across that she's withholding financial help in the hope that it will help split the marriage up.

Maybe she needs to give him a call and try and smooth things over?

Original poster

Shecot · 02/07/2012 09:55

I think she needs to call him, too. What's worse -and I can't even get over her callousness on this one- is that she told me that she had said to sil that she better go as soon as possible just in case she (my mother) needed to visit. Crikey, if I were my sil, I'd want to never hear from her again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shecot · 02/07/2012 09:56

I mean it would be like: 'OK, my marriage is doomed and here you are fretting about when you can or cannot visit'.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shecot · 13/08/2012 15:42

Bump. Been over 8 weeks and my mum still not heard anything from my brother. That's a long time, isn't it? Any advice?

OP posts:

Ephiny · 13/08/2012 15:55

It's one thing for her to advise your brother if he confided in her about the problems (though it might have been better if she'd stayed neutral). But it sounds out of order for her to then phone SIL with the unsolicited advice to split up!

ChitchatAtHome · 13/08/2012 16:00

Have YOU spoken to him? Why can't you call him/them and see how they are?

amillionyears · 13/08/2012 16:01

Would your mum be prepared to say sorry, both to your brother,
and your sil?

OhTheConfusion · 13/08/2012 16:02

Has your mum contacted your brother other than the letter?

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