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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a very very odd attitude from my mum?

43 replies

wanttomakeadifference · 29/06/2012 22:20

DH and I have one child (DD) 4yo. We are lucky to have the use of my parents holiday home in Scotland and are taking her for a week in August.

My DH's sister has one child, a son aged 7. DD and cousin get on brilliantly and love spending time together- possibly unusual for a 7 & 4 yo but I think he enjoys bring 'in charge' and playing uncomplicated things, she loves his company.....

We were planning to offer to take DD's cousin with us on our holiday to the cottage in Scotland this year. Mum& Dad do rent cottage out so are not too precious about who goes, but I thought I should check with them that they don't mind.

Anyway, mum was not happy with our plan. She said she thought it was 'weird' to take an extra child, and that we should be concentrating on spending time together as just the three of us (DH, DD and me). I'm really confused and quite hurt by her attitude, which seems ridiculous to me.

She also said she thought Dcousin was a bad influence on DD. I don't agree- he's not perfect (show me a child who is Grin), but he is a lovely boy with good manners. She couldn't say why, other than that he is "bossy" and "over influential"- he does tend to take the lead with DD but she's fine with that.

I know this is all trivial but it has really upset me. Possibly partly because if I hadn't had to have a hysterectomy after DD, I think we would have had another child. Don't get me wrong, we are delighted with our unit of 3 and I have no issues with DD being an only- there are advantages and disadvantages. I think my mum saying we are weird has hit a raw nerve for some reason.

I would really appreciate some independent opinions on this- I can't see how my mum is being at all reasonable (although I totally respect that it's her holiday home and will respect her wishes).

OP posts:
pictish · 29/06/2012 22:22

We once took my friend's dd on holiday when we only had ds, as company for him. It worked out really well.

I think your mum is being controlling tbh. Has she form for impressing her opinions on you like this?

squeakytoy · 29/06/2012 22:23

Your mum is being utterly ridiculous. I say that as an only child who absolutely loved spending time with her two older cousins. The best christmas I ever had was the only one when they stayed with us. (Sadly it was because my aunt had just died, but as a 5yo then, that was something that I was a bit oblivious to) for me it was just so great to have people my own age there.

Trebuchet · 29/06/2012 22:24

I think your mum is being a bit weird, not you. Would it be her business if you were a paying guest?? I'm guessing not. If it were me I would not stay there free of charge any more, seems to be strings attached. Don't let her boss you round and call all the shots, go somewhere else for a hol x

HumphreyCobbler · 29/06/2012 22:25

I agree, it is very odd of your mum.

How lovely that the cousins have such a good relationship. Something to be fostered, surely?

ThisIsAUsername · 29/06/2012 22:25

Ignore your mum. Take him with you, you'll have an amazing time. DD will be occupied with him, so you can enjoy some time with your DH too without her coming running to you both for absolutely everything.

RandomMess · 29/06/2012 22:25

Your Mum is being weird, I think it's because it's from your Dh's .side of the family

Original poster
wanttomakeadifference · 29/06/2012 22:27

Yes pictish she has form!! I wish I could just let it wash over me and smile at her strange attitude- but it has really upset me.

Trouble is, I worry that the reason this has got to me do much is that somewhere deep down mum is right- she has me doubting myself if that makes any sense Confused.

She is very controlling, but why must she be so unpleasant about this?Sad

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DeckSwabber · 29/06/2012 22:27

Is your mum a bit jealous of your husbands family?

I only say this because my mum has come up with some very odd comments over years about my brothers wife's family, and they couldn't more lovely. I can only think my mum is a bit jealous because they are so nice!

threetequilafloor · 29/06/2012 22:30

Eh? I have a three year age gap with my little brother and we were always allowed to bring a friend each on hols :) I didn't think it weird I thought it great :)

Bluestocking · 29/06/2012 22:32

I think your mum is being very weird indeed! Harmonious cousinly relationships are fabulous and much to be prized if you have an only child (I have an only too). Is it something to do with your nephew being from your husband's side of the family? Just trying to imagine what could be going on in her head ...

Original poster
wanttomakeadifference · 29/06/2012 22:34

Thank you Mumsnet for confirming that I'm not silly to think our holiday plan was a nice one. I feel a bit teary to read that other people think its a nice idea and not wierd.

Maybe deck and random are right- she might be jealous of DH's side of the family (although she hasn't suggested this before). Thing is, he is DD's only cousin- I and my mum are only children so no cousins on this side.

She did say that she would have hated to have anyone else go away with her when she was a child. I told her that is fair enough, but DD is different..,,..

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bushymcbush · 29/06/2012 22:35

Yanbu. Your mum is odd.

Original poster
wanttomakeadifference · 29/06/2012 22:38

I think also it might be something to do with the fact that my mum has no tolerance of other people's children. In her eyes DD can almost do no wrong, but she is much more critical of other children.

I know most of us (including me) have a tendency to do this a bit, but mum is terrible about it.

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applesnpears · 29/06/2012 22:42

YANBU. Take your DD's cousin. My mum was an only child and she never felt left out or lonely because she had cousins (on both sides) who were always around on holidays/family outings, taking it in turns to have the kids etc. She's still close to them today and they're all in their 60's now.

Herrena · 29/06/2012 22:51

I think your mum is being unpleasant because you're bringing along a relative from your DH's side - bet she wouldn't mind if it were a random friend or someone from your side (if possible).

Bit of a nasty & weird attitude IMO.... my mother used to get jealous if I praised anybody in DP's family (this goes for all my previous DPs) because she wants to think she's the most loved and is paranoid because she knows she isn't. Any chance your mum is that sort? Sorry to be so blunt since it's your mum and all, but....

BackforGood · 29/06/2012 22:56

YADNBU, but your Mum is. I can't think why on earth anyone would think it strange. Sounds lovely for everyone.

Original poster
wanttomakeadifference · 29/06/2012 22:59

No need to apologise herrena this is Mumsnet AND I posted in AIBU Grin. Besides, you may have a point.

Mum is already much more involved in our lives than DHs side of the family- so she wouldn't usually get a chance to show any jealousy. I love DHs family but they live further away, and our lives are less intertwined I guess.

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MsVestibule · 29/06/2012 23:01

She is being a bit odd; most people would think it's a lovely idea. The only way to deal with this is to just not discuss it any more. At all. If she asks any further questions about your holiday, answer either "yes" or "no".

For example, if she says "Is your DN still coming away with you?", just answer "Yes". If you answer "Yes, and DD is really looking forward to spending time with her cousin", she'll have room to come back with something like "Well, she says she does, she's probably just trying to please you.", etc, etc. Can you tell I'm speaking from bitter experience.

pictish · 29/06/2012 23:04

Well I think you need to have this one out with her.
She is BU, and her reasoning is not for the benefit of your dd, but in some twisted way, for herself.
She likes you to comply with her.

If she's going to hold the holiday home over your head like this, and think it entitles her to effectively run your holiday for you, then I'd be tempted to tell her she can keep it.

Original poster
wanttomakeadifference · 29/06/2012 23:04

To clarify, mum won't be there when we go. Although she was considering joining us for the last few days (but not if cousin is there as it wouldn't be "the same").

We probably won't take Dcousin as, after all it is their holiday home, and I'm not comfortable going against mum's (ridiculous) judgement.

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pictish · 29/06/2012 23:05

Msvestibule's advice is good.

pictish · 29/06/2012 23:06

Not if cousin was there as it wouldn't be the same?

She's dreadful!!

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 29/06/2012 23:07

Your mum is behaving strangely, but it is her holiday home and you aren't ordinary paying guests. Unless she changes her mind, it's not really ok for you to take your nephew with you. If you say to her something like "oh well we're sorry you feel that way about >nephew> - DD loves spending time with him, so we're going to go to instead this year. I'm just letting you know." would she change her mind? If not you'll have to either not take nephew or actually go somewhere else.

Herrena · 29/06/2012 23:07

Maybe she's exhibiting as-yet-unsuspected paranoia about you enjoying his family's company then.... as a slightly nasty experiment, try complimenting someone on his side at some point in the future and see if she twitches Grin
Seriously, my mother was very controlling when we were kids and I always thought it was due to paranoia and jealousy that we'd like someone else better (which of course we did, because they didn't try to control us! Gah).

I've found the best tactic with my mother these days is to routinely grumble about the ILs and only rarely praise them - funnily enough, if I do that then she likes them just fine and is sympathetic to their various plights. People are odd!!

As to your situation: will you still take DD's cousin along if your mum is this unhappy? Seems a shame for all concerned if you don't, but may have unpleasant repercussions.

Original poster
wanttomakeadifference · 29/06/2012 23:08

Thanks mrsvestibule, I do practice things to say to mum, I've read some great ones in Mumsnet (e.g. "did you mean that to sound so rude"), but when the moment arrives I forget it all! Sorry to hear you have a tricky mum too.

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