AIBU to think this is a very very odd attitude from my mum?

[wanttomakeadifference]

DH and I have one child (DD) 4yo. We are lucky to have the use of my parents holiday home in Scotland and are taking her for a week in August.

My DH's sister has one child, a son aged 7. DD and cousin get on brilliantly and love spending time together- possibly unusual for a 7 & 4 yo but I think he enjoys bring 'in charge' and playing uncomplicated things, she loves his company.....

We were planning to offer to take DD's cousin with us on our holiday to the cottage in Scotland this year. Mum& Dad do rent cottage out so are not too precious about who goes, but I thought I should check with them that they don't mind.

Anyway, mum was not happy with our plan. She said she thought it was 'weird' to take an extra child, and that we should be concentrating on spending time together as just the three of us (DH, DD and me). I'm really confused and quite hurt by her attitude, which seems ridiculous to me.

She also said she thought Dcousin was a bad influence on DD. I don't agree- he's not perfect (show me a child who is ), but he is a lovely boy with good manners. She couldn't say why, other than that he is "bossy" and "over influential"- he does tend to take the lead with DD but she's fine with that.

I know this is all trivial but it has really upset me. Possibly partly because if I hadn't had to have a hysterectomy after DD, I think we would have had another child. Don't get me wrong, we are delighted with our unit of 3 and I have no issues with DD being an only- there are advantages and disadvantages. I think my mum saying we are weird has hit a raw nerve for some reason.

I would really appreciate some independent opinions on this- I can't see how my mum is being at all reasonable (although I totally respect that it's her holiday home and will respect her wishes).

it can actually enhance your holiday as the kids entertain each other.

A holiday cottage is going to be a bit lonely for other play mates fro your dd - I think its a great idea to take along a play mate.

I think your mum has probably got a bee in her bonnet about this other boy and possibly doens't like him - so that is why she is being weird

Oh, don't let your mum stop you from taking your DN! She really will then think that she can control aspects of your life, and, of course, that she was right after all.

Why do so many of us have screwed up relationships with our mothers .

We are tempted to go elsewhere but to be honest funds are rather tight. Also, all three of us love the place and are looking forward to doing the things we do there each year- which would have been brilliant to share with Dcousin.

So we probably won't take cousin. It's a real shame, I'm cross and upset but hopefully I will calm down soon .

I think we should plan to go elsewhere next year, and take Dcousin as hopefully we will have more money.....

Sorry to hear you have a tricky mum too. To be fair to her (feeling guilty now!) most of the time, she is lovely, generous, thoughtful and kind. It's just the odd occasion that she says something that seems to be designed to be hurtful and nasty, i.e. not just thoughtless, and I'm left looking like a bloody goldfish, feeling like a frustrated 10 year old.

Sorry, thread hijack. As you were.

ivy it's not lonely at all for DD. I know that seems strange to some people but she has a whale of a time- enjoying her own company, playing with DH and I and messing about with the friends she inevitably makes.

However, it would have been lovely to take DCousin.

mrsvestibule I can't copy and paste (in phone) but I could have written part of your post myself- I'm gobsmacked when mum comes out with these hurtful things. Goldfish and ten year old is spot on!!!!

Mothers have a wierd power to get to us on a deep level somehow. I'm not going to be like this to DD though.

I'm not going to be like this to DD though. That's what we all think, but I'm sure we all manage to screw up their lives one way or another! As Philip Larkin wrote:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

The rest of it

Why can you not just say you are taking Dcousin? As in you have decided?

Nooooo, I'm determined to be a 'balanced' mum!! Or at least not say deliberately nasty things- watch this space though...

I took 3 extra children on holiday with us last year. It was great fun. I had my own 2 dds, my sisters 2 kids and my cousin. So we had 2 adults and 5 kids ranging in age from 18months to 12 years in a large tent. The kids all got on very well and the only issue we had was that the car wasn't big enough for all of us so dp and the older kids had to walk everywhere we went while I took the 3 littles in the car with me. Amazingly none of them even asked for their own parents all week.

So yes, I think your mum is being odd, not you. We regularly took friends away when dd1 was an only child.

if you dont take cousin your mum will feel validated in her frankly twatty unreasonble opnions. |Take the boy. If she says you cant use her hol home id be tempted to find a cheapy alternate- a favour with strings is to be avoided, control freak much?!

I think you are being incredibly silly to let your mum's very unreasonable views to stop your nephew and your daughter from enjoying a great holiday.

You are most definately going to be validating her point, and giving her more ammunition for the future.

So the reason why she doesn't want you to take dcousing is because she wants impose on your holiday and solidfy herself as the most important person in your lives...

Your mum sounds barking.

Has she even met this other child? Would she act the same way if it was, say, a school friend of your DD's?

She sounds terribly controlling. The only way to deal with people like is to not put yourself in a situation where you can be controlled. Book somewhere else for your holiday. It will cost you more financially, but at the moment you are paying the price of being manipulated.

your mum is being a bit precious is she not it is a bit odd maybe she is afraid her precious grandaughter will be corrupted by her cousin , take him and enjoy your holiday,

Either take him with you or if your mum really won't allow it , go elsewhere. The Sun started their hols for £9.50 vouchers today, or holidaylettings.co.uk (might be .com) have reasonably priced holiday homes in the UK.

It might be your mum's holiday home, but it's your holiday, and you should be able to take who you like with you.