Ex - Safety issue, opinions please?

[enoughalreadyffs]

Right will try to keep short.

Ex sees dc in my home as he has nowhere suitable to take them.

Recently I had a new bathroom fitted with new extractor fan, the fan is noisy and it scares dd, so she doesn't like putting the light on in the bathroom (no bathroom window, internal room) and the fan goes on automatically with the light.

To get round this she has been taking the lamp (very small) from the hall way, the cable reaches and puts it on the floor just inside the door of the bathroom, switches it on, goes to the loo, switches off lamp, puts it back on the hall table. I live in a very small flat and am never more than about three feet away from her when she does this.

Ex came to see kids tonight and went nuts. Didn't shout at her but was very firm about not doing it, raised his voice and pretty much ranting at her, she is 5. Going on about danger and water in the bathroom etc. Now he may have a point but the lamp is never in there when the bath or sink is full, because when they are it is because I am there also and the main light is on. She is not scared when I am there. When he ranted at her she started crying and came to me for a hug. I told him not to rant at her about it, she is 5, she doesn't understand you shouting at her how dangerous it is is frightening her, lets discuss it when they are in their rooms. He then calls our ds up from his room to tell him about it, ask him what he thinks, does he think Mum is stupid to think this is ok, ds is 9 and has SN. Ds agrees that yes Mum is stupid, totally prompted by his Dad.

Ex then decides to dismantle my extractor fan from my bathroom, it is now not working and is unsafe. I told him not to do this in my home, he did it anyway and said it is for safety of kids. Tells me he is contacting social services about me as I don't care about my kids or their safety. I repeatedly ask him to leave and he only does so after I start to call the police. All the while he is calling me stupid, selfish etc. In front of kids, involving them in the argument All the while I am saying lets talk about it when kids are out of way.

We have a very, very long history of similar behaviours, he is very controlling and abusive and recently he has started to involve the kids in any fall outs. Asking their opinions, asking if they think Mum is selfish and stupid, look at Mum, she is so stupid she doesn't understand anything blah blah blah.

That wasnt short at all, sorry but didn't want to drip feed. Can I just have your thoughts please. I can't have him here anymore, I think it is damaging to kids to have to listen to this kind of thing. Before the bathroom thing came up I could tell he was spoiling for a fight with a comment he made beforehand about something different. I know he will get quite nasty with me now and stop child support but I can't have this in front of the kids can I?

Oh and just to say I had no opportunity to even discuss it normally with him before I was being called stupid and the kids were being involved. This is standard.

He sounds horrible. You poor thing.

Have to agree with him on electricity in a bathroom.

Disagree with him setting about disabling the fan.

I would just say, and as a parent you know this anyway - just because she goes to the loo when you are awake and there is no water running, doesnt mean that doesnt happen in the middle of the night. What about hand washing?

Buy your daughter a nice big pink torch or one of those cordless night lights you can carry around, to take in the bathroom. And tell your ex that it will cost £ to fix the extractor in an invoice and that he cannot come into your home again, and to make other arrangements to see his children.

He was abusive in the sense that he not only called you names (stupid) but also involving the children and encouraging your child to do the same. And was highly disrespectful that he did not adhere to your wishes to leave that extractor well alone.

I would also hide the tool box (which I assume he found to get tools to dismantle your bathroom).

The joys of him being ex is that all the above are on your terms now, you do not need to put up with them, but put forward some nice boundaries with clear consequences..

He is right about the electricity but sounds like a dick. Don't let him in your house, he will have to find his own venue to entertain the children.

Tell your daughter she will have to use the light.

Or when you get someone in to fix that extractor, tell them to put a separate on off switch for it to the main light one, it must be easy to do, and surely can't cost too much.

Well I always help her with that. And she would never get up in the middle of the night, scared of dark, always calls me to help her. I am not kidding when I say my flat is small, I am never more than a few feet away from them.

The lamp thing was a totally temporary measure, last night she went with the main light on and forgot about the extractor fan so I knew that she was getting used to it.

But yes you are right about the lamp, had I had the chance to discuss it with him normally without being called stupid and him seizing MY tool box to dismantle the extractor fan.

Stop having him in your home, at the very least. Because he cannot behave like a decent human being, he doesn't get the privilege of being a guest in your home. He's using the privilege to continue to abuse you, and emotionally abuse your children by having them witness this and by involving them in these rants.

I'd like to advise you to stop him seeing the DC for the same reasons but I know it's not that easy. Perhaps a supervised contact centre is the answer.

Didn't the government make it illegal for someone who isn't a qualified electrician to interfere with a household electrical supply? He has made that fan unsafe - can you get someone to check it isn't going to set your house on fire or anything, and please don't use that light until it has been properly checked. If so much as a tiny piece of wire is exposed it can arc across :(

already solved it and would have done together with him willingly if he had not immediately become aggressive and made dd cry.

You should NOT take any corded electric appliance into a bathroom. Get her a battery lantern.

I see no problem in taking the lamp into the bath room. Unless, now I think about it, it's one with the sliding on off switch under the bulb. Then I think there is a hazard if her hands aren't dried properly or she catches herself on the hot bulb.

The extractor fan should have been fitted with an isolator, so you can put the light on separately or to clean the fan. I say should, ours doesn't. When you get it fixed get them to look at why it's so loud, it might be misaligned or loose. It really shouldn't be loud enough to scare children.

You now have to use the lamp. If your ex has pulled the wires out of it to "isolate" it you now have live cables in the bathroom, so you can't use the light at all.

Agreee with Sallying

NEVER let a child take electrical appliances into the bathroom

That's why bathrooms don't have 3 pin electrical sockets in them in the first place.

What an absolute dick that he rants about safety and then tampers with electrical circuits, leaving them unsafe. YANBU to be upset at his behaviour, and involving your kids in the arguments is just not on. Can you tell him that if he can't stop doing that then you'll be unable to facilitate the visits and he'll need somewhere official to do so. I don't know if that's an option, sorry I don't know anything about access, etc.

Another thing while I have a thread going. Earlier this week, he asked me for ds's pocket money for THEM to spend when they went out. Ds gets it on a Friday, ex wanted it on the Tuesday so he wouldn't have to spend any money when he took him out.

I said No. I think if Ex is taking him out then ex should provide the spending money, god knows he earns enough. If I give the money to him then it means I have to find more cash for ds on the outings when I take him out iyswim?

He said he would deduct it from CS and again called ds, got him involved telling him how stupid I was and asking him what he thought about the pocket money issue, ds was just so confused and . Again I kept telling him not to discuss it with ds or in front of him but he seems incapable of not doing it.

I have posted about him before and everyone said to me in the end he will start to emotionally abuse your dc too. I was no, no, he'd never do that but I was so wrong. Its like a script.

No it has a switch on the cable and the bathroom is tiny, so she would put it in the door way, it was comforting for her and I honestly think there was no danger. She was already getting used to it and it was a temporary measure. But as I said previously I will be buying the free standing camping lamp tomorrow.

Yes and now she HAS to use the lamp, we all do, as the light cannot be switched on there at all.

Re plugs in bathrooms - It's an English thing. I'm in Scotland and we're allowed plugs a set distance outside of the determined 'splash zone'. Of course some people's bathrooms are so small that covers the whole room.

However, Scottish bathrooms will almost always have the light/shower/fan switches outside the door, not on pull cords (which are allowed, just not favoured).

In Europe as I recall many countries have sockets in the bathroom too. I grew up in Germany and we always did there. However I am not trying to justify it at all, thats why I looked for and found a solution.

Honestly, what a drama queen - the danger from electricity in bathrooms is negligible and the only reason its banned is because of the overzealous Nanny State.

He probably knows this and is just using it as a stick to beat you with.

cakemeIamyours He used to do similar if a bucket was left with a mop standing in it while I did another job. Kids could drink it, knock it over, get burned by the cleaning products in it. When he lived here I was never allowed to cook on the front of the hob, even though we had a baby gate and I never left the pan on the front unless I was stood there stirring it, always pushed it to the back when I stepped away. I couldnt have more than two things on the hob, ever because of "safety" issues.

And always, always the threat of SS because I dont love or care for my kids enough to ensure their safety. Apparently.

So it's not a one-off, this dickish behaviour, then.
Now that you've resolved the lamp/bathroom issue, maybe you should ask for this thread to be moved to Relationships and get some advice on how to protect you and your DC from this continued abuse.
FWIW, of course he shouldn't use your DS's pocket money on taking him out.

mostly,(but there are exeptions)

As you say, he is now emotionally abusing your DC.

I think you should not allow him in your home EVER AGAIN. So what if he has nowhere suitable to take them? It is his responsibility to change that, to make somewhere suitable. IT is NOT your responsibility. I would suggest that access be changed from your home to an official contact centre. Do not allow him over your threshold again, he is using it against you.

I think it is time to call his bluff on his threat to call social services. Tell him he will no longer be allowed in your home, he will have to make other arrangements to see his children. He will, of course, threaten to call SS - tell him to do so. Either he will, and they will clock him as a nutter, or he won't. Either way, the threat is neutralised.

Poor kid, get her the Argos lamp linked for cheap and tell him he has to find somewhere else to visit with them. He's using the visits to continue to control you.