To expect better of my own family?

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Im at my wits end with my family. I will try to keep this brief but so in need of a rant...

My relationship with my parents has always been a rocky one but since having DD 3.5 years ago all had settled down and we were getting on fine.

Then near the end of last year I got with my current partner. We got engaged at valentines day and two weeks later discovered I was pregnant. All very sudden I know but we are very happy and Im almost 25 so not like Im a child!!

The problem is that my mum refuses to even talk about the wedding or baby. If I bring them up she blatantly ignores me or changes the subject. At my 20 week scan I was told I have Placenta Previa and as my mum hasnt even asked about the scan I havent told her. I have had alot of other stresses going on and am really beginning to miss being able to talk to her but I dont see why I should have to edit the topics around what she wants.

I know that we moved fast and maybe she feels she doesnt know my partner that well but she hasnt really tried and just seems to criticise him at every opportunity. My DD misses her GPs as we havent been there for weeks now and I feel so guilty, but I really dont feel I can continue to avoid the most important aspects of my life.

AIBU?xxxxx

It sounds like for some reason they don't like dp

Or maybe she enjoyed not sharing you and dd?

Your mother mat just need time to get used to the situation. Sounds as though you're cutting off your nose to spite your face a bit by withdrawing from her. She's perhaps worried by the speed of which your relationship is moving, especially as you already have a child.

Just try talking to your mum again. I think yabu to have stopped seeing her.

They didnt like my exP but with him I could see why, but their support for.me never stopped. Maybe you are right about not wanting to share, though I did make a conscious effort to not always have him with me when I visited etc.

The problem is unless I confront her she wont do anything and if I confront her she will get defensive etc. Im clueless as to what to do next xxx

My withdrawal wasnt all down to me. She was changing arrangements at short notice and not taking my phonecalls which was all very out of character. The last time I saw them she even came straight out and said it was my dad who made them call in.

I hate not seeing them but I dont want to keep being rejected either iyswim

She is probably worried. You have been on your own with one child, and now are quickly bringing another child in to the equation. She might be worried about you being left on your own again, with not one, but two children this time.

That is what my mum told me anyway. She did a lot for me when I was on my own, and doesn't want me or her to have to go through all that again.

Just saying.

She might be concerned about your lifestyle, but doesn't want to offend you or feels it isn't her business to say.

Sounds like you need to sit down together and have a talk about what's wrong. Can you talk to your dad maybe, if he'd be more amenable to discussing it?

My mum and dad are joined at the hip. If I could talk to him alone it would defo help but impossible.

I can understand they have concerns, but to completely blank it out seems so unreasonable. When I was on my own they did help but I never relied on them. I have looked after myself since leaving home at 17. And ultimately if I was alone again I would do the same.

If she would talk to me about it then it wouldnt have got to this, but she just ignores it like it will go away.

IMO Im an adult who has proved myself as capable of being independent and while they are entitled to have concerns, I feel that as parents they should respect my own choices. Especially as I am not relying on them. It feels in a weird way like they are trying to punish me. At 24 I dont find that acceptable.

I also get the gist from this that she is really unhappy with your life choices. You have already had one child are not with the father, and you are now rushing into having a baby with a second. I assume she thinks you are going to end up a single mum again, this time with two children, with two different fathers.

So she's kind of "checked out" basically.

I suspect this is one of those situations where she will come around with time. As she sees your relationship working, she will accept things are going to be ok.

I agree Paiviaso, the unmarried with kids thing does bother her and I know that with time she will come round.

By then it will probably be too late though. It has always been one rule for me and another for my younger brother. And with the placenta previa I need her now more than ever and shes not there. I know 100% that whatever my DD throws at me I will always be right by her side. Thats how it should be.

Thanks for the replies everyone, its all alot more in perspective xx

At 24 your parents can only 'punish' you if you let them. If you see yourself as such an independent adult, why do you need their approval or support. If you think 'weeks' since you last saw them is a long time, you are maybe more dependent than you like to think.

If you don't mind me saying, you do sound a little immature (e.g. 'almost 25'), maybe a bit of distance between you and your parents is no bad thing at the moment, while you get your life more under control and stable.

Is your partner supportive of you? Do you have friends you can turn to?

And I would guess it's not just about being 'unmarried with kids', but the fact that you've already had one failed relationship and a child with an absent father, and now there's another 'partner' on the scene and another pregnancy, all by the age of 24. Looking at it from her point of view it probably does look a bit chaotic, and probably not what she envisaged for you or for her grandchildren.

Personally I think weeks since they have shown an interest in their granddaughter and daughter when previous to that they insisted I visit atleast once a week is a bit drastic. If my life is 'chaotic' as you put it maybe them removing themselves from my DDs life is very detrimental??

My DDs father is not absent. And my life is extremely stable. This was my first post on MN but as the consensus seems to be that single mothers are not entitled to have new partners or more kids I shall reconsider my participation.

I feel you have ignored my post. I have said the same as the above posters, and I am in a similar scenario.

I am 27, with a 10 year old. I am on my second relationship and pregnant with my second child.

My mum is concerned that I will end up on my own with 2 children to 2 fathers. My life gives her no indication of that, but she worries anyway. As would I if it was my daughter. I think that is only natural. I doesn't bother me that she feels this way, because only I know how stable my relationship is. And only I can make decisions about my life. She can't be there watching us 24/7, to get the reassurance she needs. It takes time for the worrying to ease. It is only now, 21 weeks in to my pregnancy she seems a little more relaxed about the whole thing. She shouted at me when I told her I was pregnant! And it was planned!

So, there, it isn't about single mothers not being allowed new partners/children.

I thought I had responded to yours, sorry. I agree totally with what you say. And I can see how my mum feels the same as yours. I just feel completely abandoned by her and its hurtful.

But for someone to call me immature for feeling that a parent should support their daughter even if they dont agree with their life choices seems a bit rude. If I let my parents opinion affect my life I prob wouldnt be in this situation. I dont rely on them for money or anything. But when they insist I visit and then put an unwritten rule about what I can talk to them about I think thats out of line.

I have admitted I moved fast with my DP but we are getting married. We are in a steady and stable relationship. My ex is very involved in my DDs life yet I am being portrayed as a trollop.

YANBU.

I have a 16 year old relative that is pregnant to a boy that isn't going to stick around and she is having to go into a hostel (very complicated situation).

Myself and my DD's (16 & 26), have kept our worries between us and have been supportive and reasuring. There is no point in 'punishing' a pregnant woman by giving her a shit time, or withdrawing without very good reason.

The more support that is given the beter the outcome for all.

yanbu. I agree with bird. even if she isn't happy with your new lifestyle, it's not fair to take it out on your DD. If you head over to the antenatal threads or pregnancy board on here I am sure you will get plenty of info/support over the placenta praevia issue.

Maybe your Mum is worried about the new partner/baby etc etc

But she can't really be supportive about the placenta previa if you haven't told her.

Visit/phone her and tell her. Come straight out with it so she doesn't have a chance to change the topic

No, I don't think you are being made out to be a trollop or anything of the sort.

I think your mum is just finding things difficult to accept. There isn't much you can do. I just talk about the pregnancy anyway, whether she likes it or not. I don't rely on my mum for money either, but she still feels she should have the final say on what I do in my life! As if I am going to check for her approval...! And then when I don't do what she likes, she gets worried and sulks.

It will take time, but she will come round when she sees you getting on with your life, and that things are going well.

To give you an example, my MIL has 2 children. Her daughter is 27, her son (my partner) is 22. Her daughter just had her second baby, to a second partner. She doesn't live with him. When she announced the pregnancy MIL was angry at her for putting herself in the position she had done, when she had just started to get herself on her feet - first child started school, moved out of MIL's in to a council house etc.

You would have thought she would have been even more angry when DP announced our pregnancy a couple of months later. Given that DP is 22, and I am older with another child. But no, she was very happy for us. The difference being that she had seen our relationship develop over a few years, and I own my house, have a good income, 2 cars, etc etc. She was happy that she had seen enough to convince her that we were stable both as a couple, and financially.

Now that SIL's baby is here, and her partner has proved to be a decent father to the baby, she is more accepting of the situation.

You mum just needs to see more evidence that the probable outcome will be good for you and your daughter.

You shouldn't have to 'see the evidence', to be able to treat a pregnant woman with respect and compassion. The woman is pregnant and the baby is going to be here. Every woman should be able to enjoy and discuss her pregnancy equally.

Not based on income or what her partner is doing.

Yes, give positive advice on how to improve the situation once the baby is here, but no-one should be subjected to anothers 'anger' over a pregnancy.

Unfortunately, you can't tell another person what to feel. If they feel upset, or angry, they are entitled to do so.

I agree with what TheDetective said. Your Mum is worried about the situation and maybe thinks you have rushed too quickly into having a baby with a new partner.

I think your Mum is maybe feeling sad about you not living the kind of life she may have chosen for you. Nowadays there are a lot of step families, siblings with only one shared parent etc. Fwiw, I don't see these things negatively but maybe someone of your parents generation might.

The main thing is that you and your DD are happy and she may just need time to get her head around this new relationship / baby and realise that where 'in her time' this may well be frowned up / sign of unhappiness, really, in todays times, it is par for the course.

Your Dad seems to have gotten on board with you and the fact that you are happy and settled, and I know you say they are joined at the hip but you could maybe give him a telephone call to have a chat about how sad you and DD are at your mums clear lack of involvement in your new life.

I would also suggest telling him about the PP so he is fully informed. Hopefully he will be able to fight your corner.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Thanks Bird. I agree with all the posters about how my mum is feeling, but it is so hard to deal with. My first pregnancy was never scorned upon even though DDs dad was awful to me. I guess Im also a little concerned that they will treat this baby differently.

But as bird says, this is happening so whats the use getting into a strop about it.

The whole situation has got to the point where I dont feel I can phone her about the previa or anything else. :(

Thanks ghocchi. I agree. Im not sure what my next move will be. My dad is prob saying to my mum to just talk to me and will say the same to me about her. If only it was that easy!

wannabe, you said "My relationship with my parents has always been a rocky one but since having DD 3.5 years ago all had settled down and we were getting on fine."
Which makes me see your good relationship of the last few years as the anomaly rather than her current behaviour, which may be her reverting to type for all I know. It was bad enough for you to leave home at 17. So - always rocky - how always is always? Are we talking about all the way back to childhood or starting in your teens? Is there anything you can put your finger on as a cause of the rockiness or not? Do you have siblings and is there any favouritism towards the siblings?