To expect better of my own family?

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Im at my wits end with my family. I will try to keep this brief but so in need of a rant...

My relationship with my parents has always been a rocky one but since having DD 3.5 years ago all had settled down and we were getting on fine.

Then near the end of last year I got with my current partner. We got engaged at valentines day and two weeks later discovered I was pregnant. All very sudden I know but we are very happy and Im almost 25 so not like Im a child!!

The problem is that my mum refuses to even talk about the wedding or baby. If I bring them up she blatantly ignores me or changes the subject. At my 20 week scan I was told I have Placenta Previa and as my mum hasnt even asked about the scan I havent told her. I have had alot of other stresses going on and am really beginning to miss being able to talk to her but I dont see why I should have to edit the topics around what she wants.

I know that we moved fast and maybe she feels she doesnt know my partner that well but she hasnt really tried and just seems to criticise him at every opportunity. My DD misses her GPs as we havent been there for weeks now and I feel so guilty, but I really dont feel I can continue to avoid the most important aspects of my life.

AIBU?xxxxx

Maybe they were more supportive of your first pregnancy because you were relatively young with a crappy partner so they felt you needed them more. Perhaps they feel a little pushed out by your new partner?

Maybe if you tell your mum about your pregnancy she'll be more supportive. Families are bloody tricky, so you do have my sympathy.

The rockiness started when I was 10. A wider family issue drove a wedge between us. That and the fact my mum was quite overbearing. But when I told her I was pregnant with DD I had a good job, my own car and flat etc. She was more than supportive even though she frowned upon me being unmarried, only 20 and being with a loser.

My DB is two years younger than me, still lives at home and owes them a lot of money but only last week they gave him their car. So I would say theres definate favouratism there. But its always been that way and Im just used to it now.

My current DP has a well paid job, we have just moved into a beautiful house, he dotes on my DD and we are planning our wedding.

No one has called you a 'trollop' or said that single mothers can never have another relationship/child. Maybe that's a view you sense from others (your parents perhaps?) and it makes you very defensive about your situation. But if you're happy and secure in a stable relationship, surely there's no need to be applying words like that to yourself.

Looking at it from your mum's point of view, can you see how she might feel, how she might be thinking 'oh not again' and not wanting to get dragged into it?

None of us can read her mind though, the only way is to sit down and talk like adults about what's going on. Or if that proves impossible, disengage for a while. It's unlikely she'll want to lose contact with her daughter and grandchildren, but she might just need a bit of time here. You can use that time to prove her wrong!

As i have said I do see how she is feeling, and maybe your choice of phrase was just unfortunate, but Im not "dragging" her into anything. She is my mother, she has made a big deal about being involved in my life but now that she doesnt agree shes taking a huff.

If this was me and my DD i would never feel dragged into anything.

Well I'm going to swim against the tide here wannabe, because I think your mother's point of view is possibly quite far from concerned and worried about you. I fear I must assign her a far more selfish agenda.

I think she has (unfairly) labelled you in her mind as "problematic" child of the family (from the blatant favouritism shown to your brother). And while she can keep your image in that box (e.g. a partner she disliked and you say you can see why so he presumably was not great), she can play the concerned mother.

But you have now moved out of that box. You have a new DP and you are getting married. You are having a baby with your fiancé. Life is looking good for you. How can that possibly be? So your mother is trying to put you back in that box. She is insisting that your fiancé is rubbish ("maybe she feels she doesnt know my partner that well but she hasnt really tried and just seems to criticise him at every opportunity" ). She is refusing to acknowledge the good things happening to you (wedding, baby). She just can't reconcile her image of you (problem child) with the reality of you (happy balanced adult). I think the 'official' term for this is cognitive dissonance.

I think what I want to get across to you wannabe is that you are right, YANBU to expect better of your family. But your mum is being a bit of a shit here. She was shit for making things rocky for you when you were TEN. She was the adult and you were the child. She was/is shit for her blatant favouritism of your brother. And she is shit for not fucking paying attention and acknowledging just how well you have turned out.

This makes a lot of sense WYLI. I have always noticed the difference in how they treated us, even before the issues when I was 10, but never really gave it much thought and just accepted it as the norm.

But you are right and they make no attempt to hide the fact I was a "nightmare" and "hard to cope with". Looking back the only fault I can see is that I was fiercly independant from a young age and held my own views which rarely agreed with theirs.

I never was in trouble at school, never touched drugs, drank alcohol, smoked etc. Despite this she accused me of all these things as well as shoplifting. I got good exams, never missed school, had a part time job at 14.

Once a few months ago, they had been giving off about my brother owing them money and treating the house like a hotel etc (which they have only themselves to blame for) and I simply stated that I didnt know why he was getting away with it because I wouldnt, and my dad replied that I was doing better than my brother ever would.

Once in 24 years it was acknowledged. So WYLI you have a very valid point here. What I will do with it is a different matter.

At the minute I have so much to get on with, pregnancy/DD/wedding etc that I really dont think I have it in me to sort this one out. :(

I don't have the same kind of relationship with my parents as you do so its hard to relate entirely but in regards to talking to them, have you considered writing them a letter?

A friend of mine did this as she just couldn't seem to get to really talk to her parents without other issues minor issues coming up and distracting the conversation.

She explained in her letter how she felt, she spent a while writing it and I think she tried to make it so she wasn't accusing them more "I am so stressed by this placenta previa business I need you to make me feel supported and loved but it seems you aren't interested, i need you to do this this and this". As a result of the letter her parents agreed to come to her house at a particular time and talk it all through. She felt much better after as it was all through lack off and mis communication.

Maybe your mum can't relate to you situation, maybe she thinks you have your new dp and don't need her as much, often people need a bit of guidance in how to help. Only you know what you feel and what you need from them and also only she can tell you what she actually feels so maybe you should just communicate with her by letter, email, text whatever.

YANBU in how you feel, you are entitled to your feelings but if it was my daughter I would at least want the chance to discuss it.

When you were on your own with your DC, how dependent were you on your parents? Did you live on your own? Was your mum around for you lots?
It could be that she is worried that if this relationship also falls apart, they will have to pick up the pieces and that there will be a big impact on their lives.
That maybe a bit selfish and unfair, but that may be how she feels.

I have lived alone since I was 17. I wasnt dependant on them for money, babysitting or anything else. We had a once a week dinner and then every few weekends would have done something together.

They have minded DD on two occasions and never overnight. They did buy me heating oil one winter but I didnt ask, they just did it and refused to let me pay them back. I was/am grateful, Im just illustrating the point that I didnt rely on them. Obviously they bought DD clothes etc but I wouldnt say it was more than GPs would do.

So if they feel like that then imo they are wrong to. As I have said previously, its probably my independance that gets to them more than anything.

Also, I wrote them a letter when I was around 16, things were bad and getting worse, but they laughed at it and it didnt help at all. Hence me leaving at 17.

This isn't about this pregnancy, but your mothers feelings towards you, as a whole and your relationship.

I think that when you have had a difficult childhood, it hits home more when you are pregnant or have had a baby, because you will minimise the lack of parenting by your parents, up till that point.

But when you have your own and realise what a 'normal' parent feels you question how and why they could have ever behaved as they did.

I link my PND with those questions after the birth of my second DD, this is what you have tobe aware of, in your self.

This is a 'fault' in your mother and you cannot change that, pregnancy is a tough time to realise this, but perhaps some self help books?

YANBU, as i said in my first post, but you do have to come to terms that your mum will never be the mother that you want, or perhaps need her to be, or even that she should have been.

Then move on.