Another bloody in law thread

[shapoopio]

But really, they're driving me mad. I KNOW I'm not BU so I'm here to vent, really...but in the last three months since I had my DC, my BILs, SILs and PILs have:

-made FUN of me for exclusively BFing- I'm not joking, apparently I'm a martyr and the baby is 'too clingy' to me as a result. They all laughed at how often DC feeds...
(They all FF but I never said anything to them about that).
-every time they see me, comment on my weight- either 'how's it going with losing the baby weight shapoopio' or 'have you joined the gym yet?' (!)
-When my DC cries, tell me she is 'a terrible baby'.
-Tell me that my life has been ruined because of said terrible baby.
-PILs come twice a week for the whole day and expect entertaining. They expect me to bf in the bedroom as it's 'too much for granddad'. (cue more laughing).
-SIL looks me up and down and it makes me feel a bit unnerved..

I know this sounds like I've plucked it from every terrible in law thread on MN and mashed it together but this is all true. I've tried to be accommodating but I'm utterly fucked off by now. My DP doesn't see there's any problem as he is used to 'their ways'.

Sorry- needed a vent as yesterday I had yet another weight comment. (For what it's worth I've lost two stone since I had DC and have one more to go. Not exactly bad going).

Being used to their ways doesn't make it right. How can he justify people talking to his wife and about his child this way? He is just as bad for enabling them.

Don't have them in your house until they treat you with some respect. Horrid people.

rude feckers
don't entertain them - go upstairs and MNet or something instead
will dh run around after them then?

They sound really unsupportive :(

Next time she says something about 'it beng too much for Grandad', I would politely inform them to get fucked that they are welcome to go sit in the garden for half an hour while you feed their grandchild.

I feel for you (my inlwas are nice, just very very very very very enthusiastic about DS). But my advice would be to nip it in the bud right now. Start correcting them when they are rude and just generally stand up for yourself! Also tell your husband that 'their ways' are really rude and upsetting you, so he better help sort it out.

I'd be so tempted to smile sweetly and say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, please don't say anything". Then if they continue, you can just excuse yourself and come on MN and we'll slate them for you.

Arses!

And the old "Sorry, did you mean to be so rude then..." chestnut always works well in these situations.

Oh, just re-read the bit about the 'terrible baby' That makes me upset, that they could call their grandchild terrible. Next time they do, maybe make a comment about DC 'getting it from his/her dad's side of the family', or 'I'd whine too if I was around rude people all day'.

OK, I admit those aren't helpful things to suggest, but they sound awful!

I knew a woman who always put her hat on before she answered the door. If it was someone she didn't like she would say "Oh dear, I was just going out". If it was someone she liked, she would say "Oh good, I just got in".
Could you adapt this when answering the door to your PILs? If they try to arrange, be too busy (vaccinations! health visitors! other friends who have just had babies and need to be visited!) for several days so they can never get in more than once a week. I definitely think twice a week is way too much. One afternoon a week would be plenty.

Right lady, backbone about to be provided, it's your home, your family and your rules, if they don't like it, they aren't going to be a big loss to your life. So, firstly, you tell them when they arrive that you can't be bothered going upstairs to feed your DC, if they have a problem with it, they are welcome to leave the room or leave the house altogether they can't tell you to go upstairs in your own home, refuse. If they have a problem with it, they'll stop coming round, which would be a good thing.

Secondly, re breastfeeding comments, they have already started the fight, go it's ok to be gloves off about FFing. (Normally not acceptable, until someone slags off breast feeding in my mind). I would go with "Well, yes, breastfeeding is a little more work than just sticking formula in a bottle but then, the health benefits are proven, and I really think it's more important that my child has the best start in life, and apparently breast fed babies have higher IQs, although that study isn't conclusive as it didn't take into consideration that mothers who breast feed also normally have higher IQs than those who don't."

Re the gym, are your ILs all Kate Moss thin? No? Well your answer is, "Gosh, I've just had a baby, what's your excuse for the extra pounds?"

Honestly, be rude as you like back, what's the worst the could happen?

Oh, and tell your DH he has to deal with his parents, if htey can't be nice to you, he should tell them to bugger off.

Yes well your mum and your dp is dad now do PiL better get use to your ways.

Your DP should in no way whatsoever condone you being banished to another room to breast feed in your own home. If its too much for grandad than grandad needs to fuck off home.

"Are you this rude to everybody you speak to?" If they laugh then tell them to get out. Don't put up with this shit.. you shoudln't have to.

Fecking arseholes.

Folling on from DontmindifIdo

"I can lose the baby weight, but you'll always be a poisonous hag"

Folling? *Following...

I'd tell them a story about a Mum friend who has really unsupportive ILs who are always banging on about her weight and really are being most rude about their own grandchild. Then give them a really evil look and start breastfeeding in (shock ,horror,) your own living room. (From my experience of the bfing FIL will make a run for it and be less keen to visit in future!)

'Accidentally' answering the door to them, with your boob hanging out of your nursing bra should do the trick in terms of them never darkening your doorstep again.

Gosh yes, get those kid gloves off! Be as rude as you like. Definitely bf where you're most comfortable. Tell them to leave the room if they don't like it, or to leave the room because you don't want them there.

I'd start putting a stop to those twice weekly visits too. Tell them what day is best for you, and that you're busy the rest of the time. One day you'll be wanting to cut it down even more, so you might as well start now!

SIL: just ask her if she's feeling ill as it looks like she is? Could she go and vomit in the loo, otherwise there's dettol, cloths and a bucket in the kitchen......

You don't have to entertain them, they should entertain you. Just glue yourself and baby to your chair and let them scurry around making tea etc. or your dp.

Next time you need to feed just say "I'm going to feed dc now, if it makes you feel uncomfortable please feel free to leave, I won't be offended"

fil can go and make a cup of tea for you while you bf and if there's time he can do the washing up - or he can leave

Go all PFB on their arses. DD had to have 'quiet time' every time any of the GPs annoyed me. Involved me and DD hanging out in a darkened living room, BFing MNing, chilling out. With no noise and no bloody annoying other people.

They sound awful. Put your foot down - now! I wish I had had the confidence to do it when I was a young Mum. Unfortunately this is often the time when you feel most vulnerable and full of self-doubt. Don't be. You know what's best for you and your baby, act on your instincts and don't be put down by your dreadful in-laws.

No particular advice but just to let you know I sympathise

My ds is 16 days old and I'm exclusively bf too. It's not even just the men who say things I've had comments from my aunts, my mother & grandmas too I was pressured into stopping feeding ds while we were still in hospital under 24 hours old because xyz had come to see him but felt un comfy so wouldn't come in and visiting was nearly up! They were then shocked when he cried the whole time. In jokey tones I'm told I'm starving him regularly. Questioned as to how I know if his getting enough, told to stop feeding so xyz can hold him, told his using me as a dummy if he has a long feed (none of these people have bf). He weighed 7lb 6 and he is now 8lb 6 which I think is pretty good.

I used to work in a children's centre so we had breastfeeding ladies in everyday so for me it's 'normal' to see. I'm happy to feed anywhere and often people presume he is sleeping. I always stand in the mirror and make sure I can discreetly feed in what ever I'm wearing before I feed. Maybe you could do that when your in laws are coming round to give you a bit of confidence to think stuff them and feed where your comfy? The more you do it the better you feel. I've explained things to people once or twice but now I just agree with what ever nonsense they spout or give them a stupid answer like when they say 'oh is your mummy starving you' I say things like no I thought he was looking a bit chubby so I've put him on a diet they have a face and it shuts them up.

What ever you do don't do nothing! The longer it carries on the more they will think its acceptable and expect you to feed in a closet or some such for fear of offending them with your nipple. You and your baby are the most important people!

I was really sad reading your post Toddle. I empathise. Thirty years ago, bf was seen as weird and some of that generation still think it is IME.

I must admit, slagging off my innocent pfb hurts the most. I'm understandably very defensive of her. How do I react to that? I feel like saying 'fuck off then'.

They are always watching and judging everything I do. They are intrusive and rude and yes, I completely agree I need to grow a backbone soon.

Can I just point out that 'you never know how much they're taking' referring to breastfed babies, is a REALLY ANNOYING comment.

Ps: toddle- that weight gain is SUPERB.

Way to go you :o

Toddle and Shap I just wanted to say you are both doing brilliantly with your babies and bf and I am standing in the living room cheering you on, even if your ILs aren't.