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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to discuss my DS's national curriculum levels with the other school playground mums.

47 replies

Blueoctopus · 29/06/2012 13:14

So we got given reports yesterday hometime.
This morning everyone was asking each other what levels DC's had achieved. I said I was happy with DS's progress and wanted to leave it at that. I was then accused of being funny and jealous of the high achievers because I didn't want to share his levels.
Now I have several reasons for not sharing his levels the main one being I'm not interested in what other children are doing only that DS is making progress, behaving and enjoying school.

I really got the impression that this attitude was considered utterly unreasonable and that levels and target levels are the be all and end all. Is it me being unreasonable to prevent them comparing my child Or is it unreasonable of them to pressure me into sharing the information?

OP posts:
RandomNumbers · 29/06/2012 13:15

walk away from the competitive parents, head high

YANBU for whatever reason you can think of

CointreauVersial · 29/06/2012 13:19

It's nobody's business but yours. YANBU.

(although there are good and bad ways to communicate this - maybe say "oh, I can't remember the level, he's doing fine, though" rather than "sod off, you nosy cow, and stick your beak somewhere else" Wink)

MissFaversam · 29/06/2012 13:21

YANBU. None of their business is it.

Sparklingbrook · 29/06/2012 13:22

Definitely the way to go-not discussing it. I had one 'friend' who son was 10 months older than mine and was incredibly far ahead when they started in Reception. She would rip the report envelope open in front of me at the school gates and start telling me what he got. Hmm. Then encourage me to do the same.

I didn't.

Original poster
Blueoctopus · 29/06/2012 13:22

I did try to be diplomatic maybe I should have said I can't remember. I did manage to resist the "sod off" option though. I might go a bit later at hometime so I don't have to stand around and chat waiting for the gate to be opened.

OP posts:
woopsidaisy · 29/06/2012 13:22

Wow! They sound weird. How rude to ask outright what their levels are.
Our reports are sent out over the holidays. But when they have parent teacher things, I might ask someone how is everything going in a chatty way. But I would never dream of asking (or even giving a crap tbh) how they were actually doing, i.e. results to tests etc.

wineoclocktimeyet · 29/06/2012 13:23

Oh the upcoming joy of parents ripping open report envelopes in the playground and bellowing "oh my, remind me, is a level of 5a good or bad for Year 4"

Part of me always wants to say "Gosh your little Johnny must get his brains from his father as you have asked this question for the last 5 years and fogotten the answer each time"

What I actually do, of course, is swap eyes rolls with a couple of pals and open DC's report in the privacy of my own home!

YANBU at all

germyrabbit · 29/06/2012 13:25

Grin wine! this is another reason why i hate these tests!

i think the school should keep them for a record for themselves only

Sparklingbrook · 29/06/2012 13:26

Well done wine. My two are 13 and 10 so don't have any of it now, but it still makes me Angry thinking back.

I don't miss any aspect of the school gate stuff at all. I now go for coffee with the Mums I want to have anything to do with. Grades and levels never get mentioned. Grin

MammaTJ · 29/06/2012 13:28

Eugh, competative parenting!!

It is not a competition. YANBU.

Sparkling I have the same issue with both of my DDs. My DD!, now 17, was 6 months younger than her friend. She did struggle a little at times. Now though, she is now looking at universities to apply to and the friend..............she is working on the till at Tesco. don't try competing with my kids unless you are certain this will not happen

My DD2 is 6. She is bright enough but the youngest in her year at school. she has needed a bit of extra help and that's fine. It will even out as they get older and the age difference matters less.

My DS is the oldest in his school year and although I knew it made a difference, I am stunned by how much of a difference.

I won't do the competative thing though, because I know it will all change as they get older.

kickassangel · 29/06/2012 13:30

People do know that all grades are just made up? I know that teachers work incredibly hard to be fair and give an accurate representation of how kids are doing, but even within the UK no one cares about levels once they progress to GCSE.

As a teacher I always think that comments are far more informative.

Original poster
Blueoctopus · 29/06/2012 13:31

Whoopsidaisy
I thought it was rude as well the conversation went like this
Alphamum: how did everyone do? Let's have levels people.
Alphamum's minions: fantastic great (give levels )
Me: he's coming on I'm pleased with his progress
Alphamum: levels levels ( in deranged sounding sing song voice)
Me: oh look the door is open ... ( rapidly changing subject)

OP posts:
GrahamTribe · 29/06/2012 13:33

Wine, please, go on, go on. I dare you. Say it! Say it pleeeeeeaaaase!

NarkedRaspberry · 29/06/2012 13:38

And if you told them your DS got really high levels they'd be accusing you of boasting. You can't win with people like that.

Original poster
Blueoctopus · 29/06/2012 13:42

You are right there, I think the only "right" answer for them would be doing slightly worse than their children.
It drives me mad, I honestly couldn't give a stuff what levels there children are on and don't get the need for the contest. Having bright kids doesn't make you a better parent.

OP posts:
goingeversoslowlymad · 29/06/2012 13:46

YANBU your sons results are of no relevance to anybody else but you and your son. Good on you for not sharing. I'm quite lucky that the parent's at my DC's school mind their own business are quite reserved! I wouldn't share my DC's results either, they are not performing seals for gods sake.

I have heard in the past of parents only allowing their kids to play with children of a similar academic grouping and other competitive nonsense, and we wonder why bullying is so bad in this country!

DiscoDaisy · 29/06/2012 13:49

Out of my 5 children I have 1 who is struggling at school, 2 who are wonderfully average and 2 who are high achievers. Whilst the mums in the playground don't talk about levels we do occasionally talk in general about how our children are doing.
I actually find it easier to talk about my struggler and average children and find it embarrassing to talk about my high achievers.
I certainly do not think I'm a better parent because I have bright children.
I am equally proud of ALL my children!

nickelbarapasaurus · 29/06/2012 14:06

can't you defer to your DH?
it's quite useful to play "team" in things like this.

"i haven't opened it as DH and I like to find out together"

AdoraBell · 29/06/2012 14:08

Happens at our school too, I actually find it quite funny, typical convo for me at the time of all important grades goes like this

Other mums- so, Adora, what grade did DDs get

Me- I haven't checked yet, I don't worry too much as long as DDs have done their bestGrin

OMs- yeah, but what grades did they get?

Me- don't know, it's not so important to me

OMs- but what gradesConfused

Me- don't know, haven't even looked, was too busy interacting with DDsGrin

OMs- yeah but, what grades?

Me- don't know, haven't checked

OMs - you haven't checkedShock, but why

gordyslovesheep · 29/06/2012 14:09

I don't even open them in front of others - I wait until we are in the car - it's utterly silly to be snotty about your childs ability age 9 - YANBU

Original poster
Blueoctopus · 29/06/2012 14:11

I am so glad it's not just me.

OP posts:
CockyPants · 29/06/2012 14:12

Suggest to pushy parents that grades are a matter for the pupil parent and teacher involved and no one else...
Thank you for your interest but...
Good luck!

LeQueen · 29/06/2012 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wordsmith · 29/06/2012 14:25

OMG competitive parents.... dontcha love em! Luckily there's not that many of them at my DS's school, but one of our neighbouring primaries is choc-a-bloc with them, with the result that the children become chippy and competitive with each other too (and not in a good way).

Every time I have a conversation with a friend whose children are at the other school, I know it's only going to take a matter of minutes, or even seconds, before I hear how well her DC is doing at tennis/athletics/music/maths/(insert discipline). It's even worse listening to her talk about some of the other high-achieving children - they're always 'cheating' or 'being unfair' when they beat her DCs.

I was delighted when my DS1 achieved his targets at KS1, but I couldn't give a toss whether they were level 4, 5 or 6 - the fact that he had achieved what his teachers thought he was capable of was what mattered.

DeWe · 29/06/2012 14:43

I don't share mine at all, but maybe I'm like that because I know they're towards the top, so I don't need to worry.

I have had a few Grin moments though when someone has informed me that their dc has the top level for that year in a very boastful way, and my dc has a higher one. I don't say anything except congratulations though.