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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OMG I know IANBU - but the CHEEK of it!!

65 replies

ModreB · 28/06/2012 21:21

DS3 (12 yo) has a best friend, from Y1, whose DM has been through a bit of a traumatic divorce. The childs mum is now in another relationship with someone who has a bit of money. The mum and I are not friends apart from chatting in the playground etc.

We (as in me, DH, DS's and everyone else) have been as supportive as we can be. We have had DS3's friend overnight several times at short notice because the friends mum has a late "function" to go to with the newDP, he (the child) is round our house most of the days at the weekend as his mum and her newDP have "something to do" - her words, not mine.

He is a lovely kid, I don't object to this as long as it fits in with what I have planned. We have been on days out, shopping, etc etc, he feels like one of the family. But he is not my child, and I am not responsible for him.

This weekend is mine and DH's wedding anniversary and DH's birthday. We have planned to go out, just us 2 on Saturday night for our celebration. DS3 is staying over at a relative's, who is not in a position (and would not want to) look after 2 children (and I wouldn't ask her anyway).

DS3's friend, and his DM, have been told that this weekend is off limits as we are not available.

The friends mother has just rung me and asked if me and DH can change our plans to next weekend, as her and the newDP have tickets to Wimbleden on Sunday, so can DS3's friend stay over with us on Saturday, and stay all day Sunday as they want to stay over the night before until they get home!!!

The friends father is not an option as he has a traumatic brain injury and cannot look after any children at all.

I said "No, we have plans, we did tell you" She said "Oh no, I will miss the tennis" Confused Hmm

And she is not a kid, we are both in our 40's.

IANBU am I. Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
ModreB · 28/06/2012 21:58

I know that she's taking the piss. But I worry about her DS. The new DP seems to have a grudge against him, and my DS has seen some of the behaviour. Example, her DS bought a pack of cans of coke, with his own pocket money, the new DP was sat on the sofa and instructed him to get a can for him.

When the DS said that he had brought the cans with his own money, was told "I don't care, just go and get me a can now" DS3 is not given to exaggeration, so I believe him. Poor kid.

And he didn't see his own DF on Fathers Day, as they were celebrating the (new DP) and what he has done for them Angry

OP posts:
Dee03 · 28/06/2012 22:01

She is one cheeky cow!

fivegomadindorset · 28/06/2012 22:02

THERE IS NO TENNIS ON SUNDAY

Original poster
ModreB · 28/06/2012 22:04

Staying over with us on Saturday usually means dropping her DS off at about 10am, on Saturday, BTW.

OP posts:
letseatgrandma · 28/06/2012 22:04

What a flipping user! How often does your child stay over at her house? Did she know why you were celebrating this weekend?

YouGoonie · 28/06/2012 22:07

Arf at 'piss turbot'!
Surely she isn't making up the tennis story just to dump her son on the OPShock

Original poster
ModreB · 28/06/2012 22:08

No, the brain injury was after the divorce. It was not the cause of if - I don't know what that was, we are not that close.

OP posts:
letseatgrandma · 28/06/2012 22:10

we are not that close.

Yet you are close enough to look after her child all the time!?

Just say no ;)

Original poster
ModreB · 28/06/2012 22:13

Yes grandma, but he is a child. It's not his fault. I can't walk away.

Thank you to all the posters, I am going to bed now, work in the morning.

OP posts:
SuperSlattern · 28/06/2012 22:17

TBH if I were in your shoes I would say no on this occasion, however I couldn't stand by and not help him, for his own sake.

He will soon be old enough to walk away from his mum

Bestb411pm · 28/06/2012 22:23

He'll be ok, you're not withdrawing your support entirely,but I do think you need to put some more boundaries up with this woman. Her son should be at your house for your ds's and his enjoyment not hers.

Is it possible for you to extend invitations regularly while still managing to be busy when she decides she wants a babysitter?

ajandjjmum · 28/06/2012 22:29

Maybe you should just offer to adopt him, then he'll be off her hands for good. Horrible woman.

Sausagedog27 · 28/06/2012 22:36

As other people have said, there is no play at wimbledon on Sunday- which makes it even worse as she is clearly lying to you! I'm furious on your behalf, and the poor poor son.

Sausagedog27 · 28/06/2012 22:38

Ps, might be a good time to set some boundaries- I can totally understand that you can't just walk away for her sons sake but you need to be firmer with her about when- she seems to expect care all the time which is not fair on you order son.

Salmotrutta · 28/06/2012 22:39

That poor lad.

ModreB - you sound like a very caring person and that boy is lucky to have you in his life.

His mum sounds as if she is behaving like a right giddy teenager and her new DP sounds a bit sinister. Poor boy Sad

... plus, the Mum has a brass neck of immense proportions. Shock

DeckSwabber · 28/06/2012 22:44

My guess is that the new partner is pushing the child out. She may just need a reality check - someone to point out the bleedin' obvious.

My ex- came up with all sorts of crap such as 'my new girlfriend really needs to go to Spain with her friends so sorry I have to go too and I can't have my own kids that week coz I have to go with her coz I'm too insecure to let her go on her own you're their mum so you should have them anyway' except you are playing the part of the ex because the dad, in this case, really can't help out. No. No. No.

lilackaty · 28/06/2012 23:00

I would just text back and say she's obviously made a mistake with her tickets so if she checks what day she does have tickets for, you can then talk about her ds staying over.
YA(obviously)NBU and are a very lovely person. He is very lucky to have your family in his life.

EugenesAxe · 28/06/2012 23:05

I went (food) shopping this evening and DH had a bad night getting the children to bed. When I came in he said '...I haven't seen any of the goals so far' - my response to your 'friend' is the same as I gave him:

'Yes, well that happens when you have children.'

EugenesAxe · 28/06/2012 23:07

And I thought the same as DeckSwabber regards the new partner.

ElizabethDarcy · 28/06/2012 23:16

As someone who has tried to have a child for many many years, I am gobsmacked as to why some people have a child. I wish I could give that lovely boy a huge hug (and you and your family OP... thank goodness you are in his life).

EllenParsons · 28/06/2012 23:18

YANBU and her behaviour is shocking - the poor little boy :(

lovebunny · 29/06/2012 05:09

you dealt with it all very well. but yes, she is cheeky! ridiculous, in fact.

HecateHarshPants · 29/06/2012 06:19

So she's lying to you about why she wants you to have her child.

Doesn't that make you angry?

Are you going to remind her there is actually no tennis on sunday?

Original poster
ModreB · 29/06/2012 08:47

Hecate it makes me angry for him. She is being a silly cow, like a lovestruck teenager TBH. I will drop it into the conversation that she "Must have made a mistake with the tickets" and see what she comes up with.

OP posts:
DeckSwabber · 29/06/2012 08:51

So any update?

I think you need to calmly say no on this occasion and let her sort it out.

Then maybe in a few days have chat with her about it. Its really tricky but she almost certainly knows that this is all wrong and may just need to be reminded that she is a mother before she is a partner to this rather worrying new boyfriend.