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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to ask GPs to 'calm' down with DD

42 replies

bitingteeth · 28/06/2012 19:33

DD is 22 months. She sees her GPs (dad side) about once every week or two, generally after her afternoon nap. Each and every night after she sees them she is exhausted and melts down in the bath/bed time (I do try and bring it forward after she has seen them but it makes no difference!). Every single time. She is with them from about 3.30 to 5 but they are FULL on with her.

They live 5 mins up the road and the visits are usually (9/10) instigated by me. Even if they do see her more often, they are still as FULL on with each visit. They are constantly talking over other to get her attention at the top of their voices (I get a headache), waving different toys in her face every two mins etc.

I am not sure what to do. I don't want DD to be totally frazzled after each visit, but not sure how to put this to them tactfully. Perhaps I am being unreasonable, but she has just spent time with her other GPs and it is all fine! I would like to make them aware of how frazzled she is after spending time with them and maybe ask them to tone it down a bit, but how do I do this?

OP posts:
SundaeGirl · 28/06/2012 19:38

Do nothing. It's an hour and a half and they're giving you a break.

Both they and she will probably grow out of this quickly, but even if they don't there really isn't any harm here. Not like DD's sitting Exams in the morning or whatever.

In general, parents should be left to parent and grandparents need to be left to grandparent in their own way too.

AnyoneForTennis · 28/06/2012 19:41

Fully agree with sundaegirl

It will change as quick as she grows.... They won't be doing it when she is 8,10,13 etc.... It's temporary

Original poster
bitingteeth · 28/06/2012 19:42

I know what you mean but it results in her bawling her wee eyes out at bath time, which is never nice for a mum to see!

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 28/06/2012 19:43

So don't give her a bath and just get her to bed earlier ...

DartsAgain · 28/06/2012 19:44

It's not really giving OP a break if she then has to deal with a melt down later on is it?

OP, if they are your DH's parents, perhaps you can ask him to speak to his parents to ask them to calm down a little. Not sure how he could word it. They may have forgotten how it was when their own children were small. Also if the visits are instigated by you, then as you've said it makes no difference, then perhaps a longer period between each visit might help, for a while. Until your DD is a little older and can deal with this a little better.

Original poster
bitingteeth · 28/06/2012 19:44

I am drip feeding here, I realise that. But they have always been like this with her. I think I am probably carrying some resentment now I think about it! They have never believed she needed a nap, why was I putting her down when she clearly wanted to carry on playing etc. They have been waving toys in her face from day one!

OP posts:
yellowflowers · 28/06/2012 19:45

Actually I would say something. Just say she finds it too much and can you do calm play. Or get them to help bath her towards end of visit as part of the fun and get her in pyjamas after then do wind down with milk and stories when they go.

PooPooInMyToes · 28/06/2012 19:45

Its not much of a break if op has to deal with a hysterical child afterwards!

Original poster
bitingteeth · 28/06/2012 19:45

Darts DH actually took her up to see them today. He came home with a thumping headache and said when he was there he actually suggested them going out for a walk around the garden as he wanted DD to have a bit of a break from them being so in her face all the time!

OP posts:
AnyoneForTennis · 28/06/2012 19:46

Make fewer toys available when they visit then? Suggest they take her out for a walk?

There are ways round it..... If you want to find them that is!?

ShhhhhGoBackToSleep · 28/06/2012 19:48

Have you tried suggesting quieter things for them to you with her? Along the lines of "DD mentioned you when we were reading her favourite book the other day so I brought it for you to read to her" or "DD loves to colour in these pictures of XXX because they remind them of your XXX" etc?

GnocchiNineDoors · 28/06/2012 19:50

Take her in the morning. Big mahoosive nap afterwards then hopefully shell be ok by tea tme

Original poster
bitingteeth · 28/06/2012 19:52

I have tried to find ways around it, but I feel a little rude suggesting they take her out for walk, when I have suggested the visit! Also, I know they feel a walk isn't as quality time as they don't get to 'play' with her (their words). DD loves just pottering about showing things to me/them. I remember when she was little MIL told me that she (DD) had to play with a different toy every day otherwise she would never learn anything. I disagreed and I suspect part of the reason they are so full on (apart from the fact it is their personality) is that they feel perhaps DD doesn't get enough stimulation with me.

OP posts:
DreamingOfPeace · 28/06/2012 19:53

biting, I couldn't tolerate it. Gp's on my dhs side are the same- not so much with the children but noise levels, multiple conversations etc etc. I snapped at FIL and asked him to leave the kitchen last time they were here as DD would never have eaten any lunch or gone down for a nap with him playing stupid loud games with her as an already rubbish eater. With 12 week old twins and a 21 month old that is not what i need help-wise, so yes, in your situation I'd say something. You're her advocate. Just say she gets very upset at bathtime if her afternoon has been too noisy and busy, so you have to plan your afternoons carefully and could they please do similar.

Original poster
bitingteeth · 28/06/2012 19:53

Gnocchi DH and I said that this evening that we need to try and work the visits into morning, but they are busy with golf/tennis etc. They are only free, pretty much, on a thurs afternoon.

OP posts:
TrumptonTheBodkin · 28/06/2012 19:55

Quite agree with you . I take my GS ( 20 months) to see his great grandmother once a week and we both come back exhausted . She is so full on and he is bemused by the fact he can't get a word in as she talks over him and thrusts things in his face . I find giving her a book and suggesting quiet time helps but they love each other so much that she must be doing something right !

NatashaBee · 28/06/2012 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 28/06/2012 19:56

Keep her there longer, until she has a meltdown, and let them cope with that.. at least they are grandparents who do show an interest.

bebemoojem · 28/06/2012 19:58

With my MIL we talked about 'others' who didn't understand how dd liked to play. And we said it's amazing how much better/ easier/ more fun she seemed to find it when she was played with in a quieter fashion.
It took a few months but it did happen that MIL did things differently and dd was also more capable of directing play in her own way.

FateLovesTheFearless · 28/06/2012 20:03

My dc often come back worn out from going to their gp but it's far more important to me that they have a good relationship with their gps than having to deal with worn out kids. For long enough my dad was barely bothering with my kids, I love that he comes to visit more now and watching him play with the kids.

Minesaguinness · 28/06/2012 20:03

Can you plan an activity for them to do with her? Be it painting or play-dough or baking...whatever. Have it ready before they come and put most of the other toys away.

Original poster
bitingteeth · 28/06/2012 20:05

I know I am lucky DD has GPs who show an interest (but bear in mind most of the visits are instigated by me! - if they want to visit they normally text me 2 mins before they want to come to see if I am in, but I digress.....). I just find this a difficult one to manage as I want them to continue spending time with DD, but a hysterical meltdown at bed time is a not a price she should have to pay.

They already think I am way overly pfb with her (I had PND in early days) and don't take kindly to any suggestion I have about playing etc ('we have raised children you know') and always have a HUGE box of toys out in prep for us arriving. If they didn't do that and maybe just had 2 or 3 out, it would be better and she would concentrate on something for more than 3 secs. I will get DH to suggest that maybe.....

OP posts:
Original poster
bitingteeth · 28/06/2012 20:06

And maybe I just have to suck up the SHOUTING over each other to get her attention, they are pretty much like that even when she is not there and it does my fucking nut in.

OP posts:
SundaeGirl · 28/06/2012 20:11

I'm afraid you do sound a little PFB. If your planning to have more DC you won't be able to control things quite this much - family life is pretty stimulating with noisy older children.

And tbf, the GPs have raised children before: you liked the result so much you married it! Try to ignore it if you can.

ceeveebee · 28/06/2012 20:13

Why not just set a regular timeslot immediately after her afternoon nap and about an hour or two before bedtime - an hour or so of playing won't do any harm. Miss the bath on those nights.

Count yourself lucky, I have the inlaws staying with us for a week at a time and my DTs get totally over stimulated and meltdown every night. They soon get over it though.

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