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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's not easy to bond with NCT group

49 replies

PreciousPuddleduck · 28/06/2012 18:03

My dh and I went to classes a few months ago and now our babies are 2-3 months old and we have started meeting for coffee etc. I was really hoping to make good friends as I am new to the area. One of the women seems to be indifferent bordering on rude to me. Her dc is a bit of a 'handful' and my ds is quite good and has been in a routine for several weeks and I have a supportive hubby and I feel she resents me for this. I make the effort to be supportive and have done some nice things for her. I certainly don't gloat about having a good routine and always tell them about the difficult times too. I feel as though if I pretended my child was a nightmare and I was having a shit time I would be more popular!! She almost seems pleased when my child is upset/grizzly at meet ups. Feels a bit like being being back at school but it has upset me today which I know is silly :(

OP posts:

CailinDana · 28/06/2012 18:06

Groups like that are always going to be hit and miss. You're meeting at a stressful time in your lives and might not have anything in common which doesn't bode well for good friendships. Don't bother with people that you don't click with - it'll only stress you out. Try some other baby groups and keep your fingers crossed that you meet some people who are more on your wavelength.

To be honest the people I've bonded with most since DS was born have been those who are willing to talk about anything but their children. Talking about children inevitably gets competitive and difficult especially in the early stages. Avoid offering advice, give sympathy to those who are having problems, but try to steer the conversation away to other things if you can.

zeeboo · 28/06/2012 18:07

WipsGlitter · 28/06/2012 18:08

Do you have to meet in the group? Is it not the 'done tbing' to have side meetings?!

She's prob feeling insecure and pissed off and is maybe taking it out on you.

combinearvester · 28/06/2012 18:09

FWIW a 2/3 month old is probably best not described as a handful. Your perfect in a routine (really?) baby could change at any minute (4 months is a classic time) and be just as bad difficult to look after as hers. She is probably depressed and knackered. You are all hormonal and tired and really need to cut each other some slack. But if you don't like her, don't meet up with her.

I don't think being pregnant / having new baby is a great time to make new friends, in NCT the only things you have common is babies the same age. But obviously you are trying to make friends in a new place. Try going to a different toddler group or join something non-baby related in the new area instead.

TheCountessOlenska · 28/06/2012 18:15

Agree with combinearvester.

I was that grumpy sleep deprived mum - I wanted to strangle people with "good" babies (I didn't want to strangle the babies though, they were let off because of being cute )

Thank God I didn't do NCT, I wouldn't have been popular!

TheLightPassenger · 28/06/2012 18:18

these friendship groups can be rather fraught and artificial - given all you really have in common is having given birth in the same year! But you do sound a bit competitive yourself, and if you give off the air of thinking her baby is a "handful" it's no wonder she is defensive.

KazzaRazza · 28/06/2012 18:22

If you think she is coming across as 'indifferent bordering on rude' how do you know you are not coming across as 'gloating'.

Noqontrol · 28/06/2012 18:28

Just one of those things. I made a really good friend from my first nct group and a really good friend from my second as well. I guess it's just luck.

Noqontrol · 28/06/2012 18:29

Agree with pp's though. You need to have a good think about how you're coming across too.

Noqontrol · 28/06/2012 18:31

And it always makes me feel better if someone is having a hard time with their dc as well. Makes me feel less alone. Nowt wrong with that

RubyFakeNails · 28/06/2012 18:32

Maybe she thinks you're smug. I wouldn't like you if this how you come across in RL.

HappyCamel · 28/06/2012 18:33

Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. Our 8 still meet regularly, the kids are 15mo now but one woman is a bit moody. She's coming to less stuff now though, you might find this one drops out too. Mums' groups are no plac for women who tend towards jealousy cos no child is best at everything.

Shagmundfreud · 28/06/2012 18:36

Just astonished that there have been so many threads where people complain that other people they scarcely know don't like them or are judging them.

I can't remember EVER feeling like this in a group. Not since I was at school anyway.

Should add, I wouldn't say I'm Miss Congeniality either (as my contributions to other threads may give witness to ). Just assumed that generally most people are polite and nice to each other in these sort of situations.

BabsJansen · 28/06/2012 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BikeRunSki · 28/06/2012 19:08

NCT groups are funny things. All you have in common is children the same age. For a few months that's fine, and knowing my group certainly kept me occupied during my mat leave (we organised a charity ball). But somewhere down the line, when you're getting a ,handle on life with a baby, you realise that under ordinary circumstances there's a few you wouldn't give a second glance. Nearly 4 years down the line, I am really only in touch with a couple of them; one who had het second baby around the same time as me and one who has moved away.

somewherewest · 28/06/2012 19:17

I feel for that woman. DS had a horrible tendency to get over-stimulated in social situations and scream the place down when he was that age. I still remember one early NCT meet-up where he went into a truly epic meltdown while everyone else's little darlings slept or stared placidly into space. I was mortified. Now four months later he is a smiley, sociable little thing and one of the easiest babies at meet-ups. So bear in mind that a lot can change in a couple of months and cut that poor woman some slack.

MushroomMagee · 28/06/2012 19:23

Mmm... I'm inclined to agree with you.

We had an NCT meet up just last weekend (no one has had their baby yet) and one of the women asked me how old I was (am 22) when I told her she said "I really came to this group to meet people like me". I was a bit
I was tempted to say that I had come to the group hoping to avoid meeting people like her but I was very restrained :o

I think often they can become a bit political and tense. If you can expand your options, toddler groups, local sure start, breast feeding groups maybe, then there is less pressure on the NCT one to succeed and you can be more ruthless about who you just don't want to be friends with! I'm not sure if I've put that brilliantly, but what I mean is that if you have lots of different friends then you won't mind so much if there are 1 or 2 you don't get on with, you can write it off as one of those things.

I would also like others have said be a bit careful of how you're coming across. It could well put peoples backs up as it does seem a little smug. 2 to 3 months is really really early on, my dd slept through from about 6 weeks until 6 months, then she woke every hour throughout the night for the next 6! :o
Try not to judge, and if there is a topic that seems to be inflaming things, sleeping / support at home or what ever just steer clear of it and talk about things that you have in common!

MistyRocks · 28/06/2012 19:26

a Handful??

at 2 - 3 months old? Really>

Original poster

PreciousPuddleduck · 28/06/2012 19:28

I have definitely not been smug or gloating and talk about ds's colic etc and I have offered to come round when she has a bad day. She has been round to mine for tea and cake and i thought we had a nice day. I'm fully aware that my ds will probably become a total nightmare in a few months when he starts teething or whatever

OP posts:

somewherewest · 28/06/2012 19:29

Also bear in the mind that the whole point of any gathering of new mothers is to let off steam about the spectacular shiteyness that is the newborn phase. Its terrible form to let on that you might be enjoying it, even if you are. So go and find something to moan about forthwith the four month sleep regression will be along shortly if that helps.

Original poster

PreciousPuddleduck · 28/06/2012 19:30

Meant to add the only topic of conversation seems to be babies and I would like to talk about another things as suggested above but I suppose that is normal as our babies are so young

OP posts:

somewherewest · 28/06/2012 19:31

Sorry Puddleduck. X-posted.

bbface · 28/06/2012 19:32

Shag... Totally agree with you! Basically gone through most of my life thinking that most people are pretty nice. I have always got on with the majority, and I am astonished when I read and hear people thinking similar to op.

Nct was fantastic for me. DS 22 months and I regardvthree of the women from nct as very close friends, no competition, just support. With the other three, I am no longer in contact. Just fizzled out. Nct is what you make it. I lost my mother so always was open and available to meet. My DS was a dream baby, but didn't cause friction. Just intrigue about whether I was doing anything different. Routine, routine, routine. However, my easy peasy baby is now a wild toddler, that I have to helicopter parent at toddler groups. So pls do not refer to you child as easy and your fellow nct mum's baby as a 'handful' (I hate that reference to a 2 month old. FFS)

somewherewest · 28/06/2012 19:32

I quite like my NCT group, but most of us have naff all in common bar babies, so that is all we talk about.

bbface · 28/06/2012 19:33

And if your baby genuinely does have colic, then you would not be having an easy time. Not true colic, as one of my nct mums did. Colic would dominate your life, and your routine would be in the gutter.

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