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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's not easy to bond with NCT group

49 replies

PreciousPuddleduck · 28/06/2012 18:03

My dh and I went to classes a few months ago and now our babies are 2-3 months old and we have started meeting for coffee etc. I was really hoping to make good friends as I am new to the area. One of the women seems to be indifferent bordering on rude to me. Her dc is a bit of a 'handful' and my ds is quite good and has been in a routine for several weeks and I have a supportive hubby and I feel she resents me for this. I make the effort to be supportive and have done some nice things for her. I certainly don't gloat about having a good routine and always tell them about the difficult times too. I feel as though if I pretended my child was a nightmare and I was having a shit time I would be more popular!! She almost seems pleased when my child is upset/grizzly at meet ups. Feels a bit like being being back at school but it has upset me today which I know is silly :(

OP posts:

Original poster

PreciousPuddleduck · 28/06/2012 19:39

Sorry re use of 'handful'. She Refers to dc as 'the devils child' so was just paraphrasing. Did not set out to offend anynody

OP posts:

CharltonHairstyle · 28/06/2012 19:40

In 12 months I have not met anyone I'd stay friends with, it's all polite chit-chat and then home to my DP and real friends

I only go for my DD's sake.

Original poster

PreciousPuddleduck · 28/06/2012 19:40

I never said my child was 'easy'

OP posts:

Iwillorderthefood · 28/06/2012 19:42

I found NCT difficult. I was the one with the difficult baby, and bf duffs resulting in EBF feeds full time. Baby slept just very demanding from the time she woke up, never wanted to just lie still like the other babies in the group. Everyone would be chatting and serenely bf and I would be like the entertainment not able to sit down, not able to do anything much. As a result I am only in touch with one of the group now.

perfectworlds · 28/06/2012 19:42

NCT groups can be difficult, but things might settle down, and as other posters have said, things might change for you - I was the one with the happy, sleeps-all-night baby (tried not to gloat though!), until about 5 months, when everyone else's babies had settled down and were fine and mine stopped sleeping and became a bit of a nightmare - and everyone really rallied round and helped me get through it. But ime every group has one or two who drift away for whatever reason so if it makes you unhappy, look for other groups of new mums. I have to say, I went into the NCT with a really grumpy outlook and expected to hate everyone and didn't want to make any more friends, but it's been a brilliant experience and our group has really bonded and I'd be lost without them.

hawkmoon269 · 28/06/2012 19:50

I was warned that NCT groups can get competitive. Mine hasn't thank goodness - all of us have had good phases with our babies and terrible ones! And we're all genuinely fond of each other's babies which helps.

Other mothers I've met through baby groups etc have been a lot more competitive and disapproving. "oh, an Ella's pouch. I purée fresh food three times a day and prepare fresh finger foods" etc. Yawn and blah and grrr.

My NCT friends I consider real friends, the others I get on with fine but it's a bit formal and I only hang out with them because I'm at groups with them that my baby enjoys. I'm always friendly and polite - soon most of us will be back at work and then I'm sure I'll only see the "Mummy friends" who have become real friends.

Am eternally grateful to the NCT though. However formal and awkward our initial meet ups were, it's been invaluable having people going through things at the same stage.

hipposaurus · 28/06/2012 19:57

I agree with a lot of the other posters. I was ebf my baby and dh was working away a lot for the first few months, so I was always the one struggling to cope with ds compared to many others in my nct group.

Whilst most of us got on really well and were very supportive, a couple of the mothers always seemed to be gloating about how well they were doing. When I couldn't get ds to sleep due to colic for hours, one even suggested I try to get him to have the hour and a half nap hers had every afternoon?!As if I wasn't trying to get ANY nap. She went on to tell me her baby was relaxed as that's how she and her dh are etc etc.

Tbh I started seeing only one or two of the group as I couldn't stand the gloating and competitiveness. I was always the one who had to leave meets early due to an upset baby etc etc.

waterlego6064 · 28/06/2012 20:16

Agree re colic....contrary to what many believe, colic is not about wind/digestive problems (although this is a small part of it) The term describes babies who cry inconsolably for large parts of the day and night. No-one really knows what causes it (although some theories say that these are babies who cannot cope with the stimulation of living outside the womb during the first 3 months) and there aren't any 'cures'.

I must have struck very lucky indeed with my NCT group as I am still friends with all 6 of them nearly 7 years on. :)

edwinbear · 28/06/2012 20:22

I think it's a bit luck of the draw with NCT. I had a brilliant group, we all still meet up every 2-3 weeks, our first babies are 3, and 4 out of the 8 of us have had our second within about 3 months of each other. My DSis's group went their separate ways after about 18 months or so though.

donttrythisathome · 28/06/2012 20:29

Ah puddleduck people are being a little bit harsh to you. it would be lovely if you could have friends from the NCT. Try not to take this woman's behaviour to heart. She is probably seriously sleep deprived, possibly even PND, and even if she is snippy with you, I'm sure she is with everyone too. Maybe take a step back as you too probably feel a bit emotional, what with having a small baby. There are sure to be some warm parent/baby groups somewhere.

holyfishnets · 28/06/2012 20:36

Don't fuss about her and concentrate on the nice ones. Years down the road now, three of my NCT friends are my best friends. The friendships were a slow grower though!

Joiningthegang · 28/06/2012 20:40

I went to 2 new baby groups - with my dd the friendships are still strong 10 years later and they are my absolute support network - we've been through so much together and I love 2 of the mums I met all those years ago so much xxxx

Went to one with ds - didn't really "click" with anyone - not unpleasant just a bit meh.

They vary as much as people do!

AnnaRack · 28/06/2012 20:50

OP I feel your pain. My lot were cliquey - either that or i just didn't fit in - and lived in much bigger houses, I felt like the poor relation, I also found it hard to get to the meet ups because they lived outside of town and at the time I didn't have a car. they all seemed to be sailing through motherhood, bright and cheerful while I was struggling with PND. NCT seems to be a magnet for these sorts of people.
Have you tried your local NCT coffee group? I foudn mine much friendlier than the antenatal class group and much more "grounded" because they weren't all first-time mums!
You can't expect to hit it off with people just because they're having a baby at the same time as you. You can meet people through mother & baby groups or postnatal groups run by your local health visitor.

Scholes34 · 28/06/2012 21:04

OP - just remember there are more places than NCT groups to meet people. I moved when my DC were 2 years and one year, so knew no-one from baby-days, but made a large group of friends in time nevertheless.

As for feeling like being back at school - that feeling will continue wherever you are meeting large groups of people. You can't escape the dominant ones, the moody ones, the overbearing ones, the popular ones. You'll find your kind of people somewhere before too long.

Olive28 · 28/06/2012 21:07

Just leave the NCT group and find something else. Just because you had a baby at the same time as someone else doesn't mean you're destined to be friends. What other activities are there locally, for young children, or for adults where you can take children along?

Original poster

PreciousPuddleduck · 28/06/2012 21:24

Thank you, I was just a tad emotional earlier. Had a bad night last night. I think I probably had v high expectations of making new friends & am a little disappointed. I will keep going as early days but I will look into other groups also.

OP posts:

nightowlmostly · 28/06/2012 21:41

Hi puddleduck, I am in the same situation as you pretty much! We moved to a new area just before having DS, and I did NCT in the hopes of meeting some people.

The group we had is quite nice, and I have clicked a bit with one of them so far, but I haven't spent a lot of time with all of them. We all live in different towns, so the people closer together tend to see each other a bit more. We don't all meet up en masse every time. I prefer to be in a smaller group than loads of people all at once, I find it hard to be heard when it's too many people, you can't really get to know people in that situation I don't think.

Maybe you won't meet people you like through that particular group. I've been going to the local sure start centre, they have loads of different groups, and activities like a weekly walk and stuff, you should look into what's available around you.

Good luck, I'm sure you'll meet like-minded people soon xx

BigRedIndiaRubberBall · 28/06/2012 21:42

My 2-month-old DS was certainly a handful, and then some. (At 15 months he still is, but in a much more fun way )

Anyhoo, NCT - yep, those first few weeks I spent paranoid that everyone was judging me as DS was a screamer/constant feeder, and then he calmed down and the other babies went through difficult phases of their own, and all the mums calmed down considerably too. Wait for the dust to settle before making up your mind. Nobody is quite themselves during those newborn days.

That said, I wouldn't say I'm particularly good friends with any of my NCT group now, but we are still in touch. As nearly everyone else has said, try other groups too.

Noqontrol · 28/06/2012 21:50

Op, have a look on that netmums meet a mum board. You can find people in your local area who want to make new friends too. I've met a couple of really lovely people through that, friends for life kinda thing. It's worth a go and it's easier than doing that big group thing.

darkfever · 28/06/2012 21:59

NCT groups, and other baby groups are all a bit hit and miss.

Sometimes you meet people you really like, but sometimes you don't. The only thing you all definitely have in common is babies, so it's not surprising that you won't make good friends with all of them.

Your NCT group is unlikely to be the only group in your area. If you start going to more baby groups, you'll meet more people, and will have a better chance of meeting some that you really like.

Glittertwins · 28/06/2012 22:03

I only keep in touch with 2 out of the NCT group we met. One of them is pretty similar to me in most things and the other is my polar opposite but we get on very well and would do without children born within 3 weeks of each other. The others were a bit odd.

tropicalfish · 28/06/2012 22:05

Perhaps it might be worth contacting your nct coordinator and saying you would like to meet more people and going to a different coffee morning group. These things are hit and miss.

HybridTheory · 28/06/2012 22:07

Why not ask one (or more) of the friendlier muns from your NCT group to do somethinwith you and your chd (another playgroup/picnic/coffee & garden play?) The while group doesn't have to stay together. My group of 8 I am very close to 2 or 3 the rest I am friendly with and invite to m huse as play in a group.

tropicalfish · 28/06/2012 22:07

also could be worth suggesting meeting in the evening instead. It changes the dynamic.

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