to be put off ever having another dc due to breastfeeding?

[ChunkysMum]

Breastfeeding dd was a nightmare. I tried everything to get her to latch on (every support group / professional etc) and it never happened.

I felt terribly guilty for having to give her expressed milk and then for giving up expressing at 5 months. I still feel like a failure now.

I kept getting ill (bad mastitis/thrush/allergic reaction on my nipples that spread to my whole body/ sore bleeding nipples). DD was never satisfied and constantly cried until I switched to formula. I ended up with PND.

I hated it so much that the idea of doing it again fills me with dread. I know that not all babies are the same but I wouldn't even want to risk it. I would rather do labour 10 x!

The thing is, I don't think I could manage the guilt of giving dd breast milk for 5 months and not the same for another dc.

I would love another baby but cry when I think about it as my first thought is worrying about breast feeding.

Feed it on formula then

Exactly. Feed them whatever you want. Not a reason not to have another baby.

{Looks around quickly and whispers}

Could you not just feed it forumla?

{Runs away}

1. This is not about breastfeeding, this is about PND. Your experience next time would hopefully be different, because you and your wider family would be more likely to recognise early symptoms and ensure you get treatment.

1. You don't get any prizes for breastfeeding. I tried to claim a medal, a trophy and Mum of the Year award and none were forthcoming for my efforts.

1. You might find breastfeeding a totally different experience with a different baby - don't assume because it didn't work well last time, that it won't work well next time.

1. IMO you need to work on accepting what happened with your first baby before moving on to have another DC. You sound to me as though you are still not 100% well.

But bringing another baby into a loving family with a good mother would be a good thing. Circumstances and situations change. Why not give it a go without any expectations (good or bad) on the understanding that if you have problems that you can't resolve with a bit of help you'll ff with no guilt?
I am a huge believer in the importance of breastmilk and breastfeeding, but not to the extent of not having another child. Be kind to yourself. Your future dc will be safe and loved.

I tried to BF dd1 it didnt work out I got over the guilt and had another , formula isnt poison

Yabu, just formula feed. Unless its finally been outlawed

Are you still having treatment for PND? It sounds to me as though you need to really talk to someone about this.

Yes, every baby is different and it us actually impossible to treat them exactly the same. I ended up feeding DS1 for 10 days, and ds2 for 7 months. Very occasionally I do wonder whether this has affected them differently, but the reality is that I did the best thing I could at each stage for each child.

I do think you would help by talking to a counsellor.

As an ebf-er I would say this. Have up thought about formula?

You expressed for FIVE months? I take my hat off to you. That is amazing and you have no need to ever feel you have been a failure. Must go as D's is waking but please talk to a bf counsellor about your feelings, they are counsellors first and you have no need to feel so guilty when you moved heaven and earth to feed your dd yourself for so long. Every bf baby is different too, I know someone who struggled to feed their ninth child so her difficulties can't have been down to any inexperience on her part!

you know what?
bfing lasts 6 months to 2 years (normally). the child is your baby forever.
it really really doesn't matter how you feed your baby.

obviously BM is the best way, but if you can't (and it sounds like you tried and tried), then formula is the best.

the best milk is whatever is best for you and your baby
full-stop.

It's not a reason to not have another child, and whatever happens, your children know you love them and want the best for them.
(I was a formula baby- I was BFed for a fortnight and then formula after that. I've got a degree and I am never, ever poorly.)

I also think it's more to do with PND than feeding.

you need to keep up counselling with that :)

Have you thought about talking things through with a BF counsellor or going to a local La Leche League meeting and getting some support there? Since you feel so strongly about the benefits of BF and would feel guilty for not attempting this with a potential DC2, it might be worth talking through your previous difficult experiences with people who can provide specialist support. It could be that if you had anticipated the problems and had a support network in place you would have a better experience second time round.

Obviously formula is the alternative, but it might be worth trying to rid yourself of your guilt associated with not BF before you commit to that route. I agree with the poster above that how you feed it is not a reason not to have another baby if you want one, but sorting out a previous bad experience to give yourself a clean slate for another baby might be worth a go.

I couldn't manage it either because both mine were in SCBU for a month and tube fed.

I expressed for a few weeks which hopefully did some good in terms of antibodies and all that but I certainly never felt guilty about it.

You just have to do what you can, your "good enough" will be fine.

Hi, I think it is natural that a bad experience would give you anxiety about doing it again, but I think one bad experience does not automatically mean another will follow. (I am a massive hypocrite here btw, I originally hoped for 3 kids but DS2 was in PICU and I can't face another).

What support did you get with your bf-ing? Were you given the right treatment for mastitis? Could you prepare in a different way this time?

Also, a happy baby with a loving family is not ruined by formula, really.

Maybe if you said 'I will give it one month's best efforts and then move on to ff if it isn't working', lined up a genuine bf counsellor/doula to support you so you guarantee good advice - how would that feel?

You expressed for five months! That is an amazing achievement.

As for feeding another DC, kids blame their parents for a lot of things but if DC2 ever guilt-trips you for not breastfeeding him or her you can just say 'Y'know what I bf DC1 and had infected breasts and then a fungal infection in my nipples and then they started to bleed all the time...' and I guarantee he or she will back away with their hands over their ears going 'La la la not listening.'

I feel exactly the same as you OP. And nothing wrong with feeling that way btw. So the just "give it formula " comments are bit shit really.

I really don't see why you feel bad about giving expressed milk though? As long as you were cuddling your baby as well what's wrong with expressed milk it has all the same benefits of normal bf?

completeley agree with all other posts. I tried to breastfeed my first DS - failed miserably, tried expressing but gave up on that. at 5 weeks my HV said switch to formula. I did and never looked back. huge weight off my mind and finally i could relax a nit and enjoy my baby. He soon started to thrive and my only regret is i didn;t do it sooner. Of course we know that BF is best but it has to be right for both you and baby.
With my second i didn;t even bother trying to BF and went straight to FF.
You know what, at 5 and 4 they are fine. They are healthy, strong kids.
Don't let that be the reason for not having another DC.
Of course there could be other reasons but BF should not be one of them
Don't give yourself such a hard time. You're not a failure and shouldn;t feel like one

You expressed for 5 months???!!! My goodness you really deserve a medal for doing that!! Expressing is awful IMHO - I always hated it and felt like a cow ina milking parlour!!

You need to let go of your guilt - mothers have formula fed for years and years and those babies are walking around, perfectly normal human beings with the full complement of brains, loving relationships, good jobs, happy families etc.

You ae setting too much store by it and need to be more gentle with yourself. Don't let it put you off. You may well find that it is a totally different experience with another baby. My no 1 was a brilliant feeder but no 2 was rubbish. And having fed no 1 for 9 months, I kind of felt that I knew what I was doing!!

Mine have never even asked how they were fed, ds1 who is 17 thought ds3 was ff until he came across my breast pump in the sink one day. Children really don't care how they were fed.

I agree with others, more about the PND and how you are feeling right now.

and btw it is possible that another baby would feed much better and latch on with no problems and you may have a much better BF experience.

I formula fed my first three children and breastfed the last two, they are all the same. I cant imagine they will care how they were fed (I certainly dont care the I was formula fed). I would just see how it goes but you know if breastfeeding is making you miserable its simply not worth it in my opinion.

Oh poor you. Well done for breastfeeding your DC for 5months - that's longer than most british babies. I (still) feel guilty about giving my first baby' btop-ups' of formula, due to difficulties with BFing. However, baby no 2 and I managed without formula in spite of me dreading the BF. (It was still quite difficult for a while). Having another DC helped to take my mind off the difficulty of BF. Btw, I found the absolutely best support for BFing are the La Leche League trained mums. Even the NTC are not as highly trained. I expressed milk for a while too. It's immensely hard work. I'm sure you wouldn't have that experience again. You were obviously very unlucky.

There is no need to feel guilty for not breastfeeding, and then stopping expressing at 5 months. IMO expressing long term is the hardest option because expressing several times a day takes up so much time and then you still have to do the bottle feeding bit afterwards.

You did the best you could, and formula is a good substitute for breastmilk, even if it's not perfect. Plenty of babies are given formula and grow up just fine.

I agree with those who've suggested that you should think about counselling.

I wholeheartedly agree with emsy - how you feel is not just about how you fed your first child/will feed any subsequent child, but a much wider mental health issue, whether it is PND or something else.

Have you spoken to anybody about how you feel about this?
Your feeling about not having BF/provided BM for as long as you would like, are rather extreme. Do you appreciate that your child has had much, MUCH more BM than that vast majority of children in Britain have? So well done, you!

I'd strongly suggest you try and get some help to look at your feelings surrounding your feelings of 'failure'.

FWIW, it took me to DC3 to BF 'successfully' ie as much and for as long as I wanted to. I have never liked BFing, I had lots and lots of very good professional advice/input.
Ultimately what made the difference for me was a change in my mindset and total submission to just being with the baby/offering breast every single time they opened their mouth/do nothing else other than feed for the first 3 months or so. After that, it was a breeze.

And, as others have said, if you have access to clean water/clean bottles, giving FF is an alternative that you should not discount.

How you are feeling is not about food, it is a much wider issue about 'failure' 'having let your baby down' and feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility of being the sole source of nourishment for your child. I felt this rather keenly. Get help for your own feelings and I bet whichever way your next child will get fed, you'll not feel as bad as you do now.

V best of luck!