Bereavement; have I handled this properly?

[EmmaNemms]

I own a care agency and one of my 25 staff lost her dad fairly suddenly on Saturday. She phoned one of the managers in tears, who was very sympathetic and she went home in the middle of shift. She then texted in the next day to ask for two weeks off. We immediately agreed, although this causes a massive amount of chaos for the remaining staff and client and lots of work to reorganise everything, as she does a lot of hours. Of course, I understand her grief. After my manager told me, I texted her as she was with her family by then and I honestly thought we would be intruding, but sympathising for her loss and saying we would do anything to help if we could. She hasn 't worked for us for long and I don't really have a personal relationship with her. I honestly thought we would be intruding on her grieving with family and friends.

Yesterday evening, she phoned with a huge tirade about how we had not been supportive and we should have phoned regularly etc etc. I am a bit stumped, if it were me, I would expect my employers to be supportive of my arrangements but would find it odd if they kept phoning me to offer emotional support

I am generally quite emotionally intelligent and sympathetic person but wonder if I have really misread it here. Now I am not sure what to do as it will look like I am doing it falsely....

It sounds like you and the other staff have been very supportive and understanding by rallying round and rearranging shifts. Anything beyond that is not part of your job, especially seeing as she hasn't even been working for you for very long!

Seems a bit odd, although I suppose bervement makes people do funny things. I don't know how your company works but where I used to work they wern't really allowed to contact us when we were off on the sick as it could be construed as pressurising us to return to work. Perhaps you could say something like that to her?

YNBU - I think you did absolutely the right thing. However she is grieving and thus possibly not at her most rational. The only thing you can do is say that you're sorry she feels like that and that your intention was to give her the space you thought she needed. Don't feel too bad about it; I think you did the right thing both professionally and emotionally.

I think you would have to forgive the tirade- grief can make you angry and direct it at others.

My workplace would phone or have someone call by once in a while if someone is off long term but not over a two week period for bereavement. The support would be offered though, as you have done.

When I lost my dad, my work sent a card offering their sympathies, I spoke with my boss once or twice I think, but he and I had known each other for many years and had a reasonably close working relationship. Other than that, work maintained a respectful distance which is what I wanted. They are my employers, not my friends. Sounds like you handled it fine to me.

I think you have been very supportive and that she is lashing out because she is so upset :-( I think that if you had rang her that much she would have ranted that you weren't giving her space!

um, you did exactly what I would have expected a boss to do

Surely, any more contact than that and she could have complained you'd been harassing her.

I think she's just angry with the world because of DM death.

I work for NHS and got 3 days crisis leave but then had to sign self off sick when DF died.

I don't see what else she expects really?

Some flowers and a card is a nice gesture at some point.

Very very weird. I lost my sister a couple of months ago, very suddenly, and I would not have wanted my employer, who I have worked with for many years and who I get on with very well, to phone me. They responded to my messages to them, but didn't initiate contact - and that was absolutely right.

Not sure what you can do now to make your employee feel better, other than perhaps writing/texting to explain that you did not want to intrude. Is she perhaps from a different culture? Is there another colleague from the same culture whom you could ask for advice?

Two weeks off is really generous. Most firms wouldn't give that amount of time. And a lot of people wouldn't really want work phoning them to see how they are. A card is usually the norm. . Just put it down to her being upset. It sounds as if you've done everything correctly and been helpful and sympathetic.

There is nothing in your post that made think "insensitive".

With her being newish you won't have developed a friendship where you'd be texting/calling/visiting them several times.

Don't know what more you should have done, but don''t worry about it. Bereavement can make you angry and irrational. There probably wouldn't have been a correct response. Perhaps she saw other family members hearing more from their employers or something.

You behaved completely appropiately. Like you say, she hasn't worked there for very long- I think it would have been a bit overbearing to be in contact regularly as if you were some sort of pal. I don't know, I would have thought that the new job was sneakily trying to find out when I was coming back if they gave regular calls.

I do find it odd that she expects constant phone calls, if my work done that to me, it would feel like they was getting on my back.

You sound to of been very supportive. You do not have to do anything else. If you wanted to though, as my works did which was really lovely, is have a whip around and order her a bunch of flowers and all sign a card saying you are thinking of her. It isn't necessary, just all depends on the relationship with her and if you want to.

Grief plays havoc with your head (I know this oh too well) so don't take it to heart.

I don't think YABU but have you/the company acknowledged the bereavement?

I can tell you that when collegues have suffered a bereavement in my previous workplaces, the appropriate manager has usually sent flowers to the house either with an official sympathy card on behalf of the company or accompanied by a card signed by colleagues. (although to be fair, this was more for immediate family such as spouses than parents) Do you think she might have been expecting something like this?

At the funeral, not only immediate managers and colleagues have attended but in some cases, I've known / heard of very senior managers attending, again as a sort of official response by the company.

To move forward, I would explain what you said in your OP, that you didn't want to intrude on her grief and apologise if this has upset her. I would do this in person if possible.

HTH, it is very hard to handle bereavements for all concerned. My condolences to your colleague and I hope you can help her going forward.

Luckily my husband answered the phone, we run the organisation together, so he got the brunt of it. Not much bothers him, but he sympathised and told her he has lost both his parents but was told that he had no idea what she was going through. I understand she is grieving, I will go into town and send a card and flowers.

Thanks for the views, it bothers me to think I have offended her, even though i thought i was being respectful and even though she is not the easiest person to work with or manage! She has just sent me a sarcastic text thanking me for 'all my support'....

you absolutely did the right thing - and immediately agreeing to 2 weeks leave was very good of you, as many workplaces wouldn't be so accommodating. As others have said, i think ou probably need to chalk this up to grief making her do odd things, but please don't worry about your own actions - you sound klike a lovely person to work for

If she keeps sending messages like that I would extend my sympathies but say that it's not appropiate for her to lash out at you or your husband. Maybe then she'll calm down and see that her grief is making her do things she otherwise wouldn't.

Funnily enough, there IS a cultural element, she is from Somalia and has been here since the civil war, 12 years ago. Perhaps my response seemed too tight lipped to her.

Will definitely send a card and flowers, can't do it in person, she has gone back to her family in London for a couple of weeks and I live in the south west of the country. Think will send card and flowers, then phone. The funeral is today, I think it would be most inappropriate to call today, perhaps she expects different!

Thank you Tia Maria, I do my bloody best but have a bit surprised how much can be expected of employers today - its hard to meet everyone's expectations!

OP, how do you know the text was sarcastic ? Unless the quote marks were hers, it could be that you're reading into the text, a tone that is not there? That's the downside of texts, you can read/interpret them any which way...

So, is it possible that after her initial blow-up, she's now realised she acted poorly, and meant thanks for all your support?

Maybe it is a cultural thing, but if she has been here for 12 years, surely she has experienced the English 'stiff upper lip' before.

I agree with others that grief makes people behave in all kinds of strange ways. I would ignore the tirade, sarcastic text, etc.

Sounds to me like you have done the right thing.

I lost my dad very, very suddenly 12 years ago.

I had two weeks off, and my work were really nice about it and visited me at the house and came to the funeral. Perhaps I would have preferred that they had just left me alone for a bit as I felt a little rushed and checked up on, even though their intentions were good. Mind you, we had almost everyone come and see the family/funeral as it was one of those deaths that was quite shocking at the time.

Try and ignore the rant, I think when something like that happens you get to the point when you are just angry at the world. She'll probably be sorry in the future when she thinks back to how she spoke to your husband. I know I said/ did some really daft things which embarrass me now, but hopefully didn't take my anger out on anyone.

You have not done anything wrong here.

Oh and she probably genuinely means the text, just perhaps she is a bit mixed up with how she feels at the moment. You have been supportive.