Bereavement; have I handled this properly?

[EmmaNemms]

I own a care agency and one of my 25 staff lost her dad fairly suddenly on Saturday. She phoned one of the managers in tears, who was very sympathetic and she went home in the middle of shift. She then texted in the next day to ask for two weeks off. We immediately agreed, although this causes a massive amount of chaos for the remaining staff and client and lots of work to reorganise everything, as she does a lot of hours. Of course, I understand her grief. After my manager told me, I texted her as she was with her family by then and I honestly thought we would be intruding, but sympathising for her loss and saying we would do anything to help if we could. She hasn 't worked for us for long and I don't really have a personal relationship with her. I honestly thought we would be intruding on her grieving with family and friends.

Yesterday evening, she phoned with a huge tirade about how we had not been supportive and we should have phoned regularly etc etc. I am a bit stumped, if it were me, I would expect my employers to be supportive of my arrangements but would find it odd if they kept phoning me to offer emotional support

I am generally quite emotionally intelligent and sympathetic person but wonder if I have really misread it here. Now I am not sure what to do as it will look like I am doing it falsely....

If work, or even a friend (not a close friend) phoned me daily I would 1. think they were checking up on how I was and trying to hassle me back. 2 get very irritated with feeling I had to talk to them and be polite when I didn't want to.

However it sounds like she probably wouldn't have worried with the polite bit.

You're not going to please everyone on this.

Hazel, she phoned last night to say we weren't supportive, so I don't think she would be texting today to say we were! But I could be wrong. The quote makes were mine, but it was preceded with 'by the way, thanks etc...

Thanks everyone, you have made me a feel a bit better!

"By the way, thanks for all your support" - could be her way of apologising if she calmed down and realised actually you had been supportive. I wouldn't assume she was being sarcastic.

If she phoned your DH last night and funeral is today, then she was probably very stressed yesterday.

Flowers are a nice gesture. When she comes back to work you could make a point of saying that you'd felt it would be intrusive to call her, but doesn't mean you didn't care etc.

I don't usually assume the worst with people and if I were giving advice on the thread I would say exactly the same!! But, i do know her style a bit....

I will definitely do the flowers and the card though...

I think that she is justified in feeling that you didn't care enough to pick up the phone and speak to her directly. I really don't think a text is appropriate in the situation, despite your rational for doing so.
I also think that it is insensitive of you to mention the inconvenience to you in your OP - this is obviously the opinion/attitude that you hold and I wouldn't be surprised if this has somehow translated itself down the line to her through colleagues.

Sorry if you think I am insensitive, sassybeast, it is based on the fact we have 40 elderly frail and very vulnerable people to care for, so if someone goes off without notice, however good their reason is, it leaves a lot of people potentially without anyone to get them up, put them to to bed, give them a cup of tea, medication etc. it's not just that the filing gets behind a bit. What it means is that other staff have to pick up calls immediately without notice, sometimes they can, sometimes they can't.

So it's about keeping vulnerable people safe, rather than being a bit inconvenient. I take your point about phoning though, will do that in the future if the occasion arises again.

Have arranged a nice bouquet to be delivered on Saturday. Wonder if they'll go into the bin?

Bereavement can make people very odd. My dad died suddenly a couple of weeks ago. A week later my sister totally lost it with a complete stranger in a shop who said something innocent but which triggered mayhem. I had to extract her quickly and apologise to a gobsmacked, but very understanding lady.

That's kind of you to send the flowers. When I was bereaved, my work sent flowers, cash and a card and I had texts from those who I was close to and then they left me well alone, which is what I wanted. Your employee has clearly interpreted your respect for her privacy as you ignoring her loss.

I, too, went through a stage of being irrationally enraged when I (wrongly) perceived that various people 'ignored' my loss though, it must be something to do with the grief process.

But you didn't do anything wrong, I think it would have been a bit inappropriate for you to contact her if you don't have a personal relationship. However, I would drop her a text/note saying something along the lines of 'I think we have misunderstood each other, I have been keeping my distance to respect your privacy at this sad time, I'm very sorry if it's come across as uncaring because we've all been thinking of you' and then the air is clear for her return.

You have my sympathies in sorting out her rota though - I used to work at a care agency so I get how hard it is!

I really do think its a very unfortunate cultural misunderstanding.

I'm in a longterm mixed-race (African/European) relationship myself and have experienced bereavement on both sides of the family.

The English side (mine) generally expects quiet stand-backish comfort, offering cards/phone numbers etc. and then retreating to allow a sort of gentle privacy.

The African side (his) phones each other several times daily, expressing emotion freely and openly, exchanging multiple daily texts, as well as emails, and the usual expected cards etc. There is a general flurry of activity around the bereaved persons.

I have become very used to his cultural way of dealing with death (but for those unfamiliar and not prepared for it, it can feel extremely overbearing and smothering), but on the flip-side, I have to be very careful and go the extra mile with his family, because they perceive quiet withdrawal as cruel, cold, and uncaring.

Even if she's been in the UK a very long time indeed, her ingrained cultural interpretations may well be coming to the fore in what is a very traumatic time for her.

If it were one of my husband's family members, I would sit her (and any family she wished to have with her) down with a hot drink and express how very, very sad I was for her loss and that I had mistakenly been expressing respect the way my own culture does, by giving space and quiet, and that I now realised it did not come across that way, etc. etc.

Basically just be very sincere and honest. Its nobody's fault, just a genuine misunderstanding between cultures in a very sensitive time.

Sorry for your loss Kladkakka, thanks for your views. Also very helpful, Gottohide, I was wondering if that might be the sort of context. Unfortunately I can't meet her face to face at the moment as she's in London and I'm in Dorset. I really do appreciate your views.

So, just to update, I sent a nice bouquet to her house, waited a day or so, phoned and apologised for my apparent insensitive and distress this may have caused her. Not face to face, she is in London and I'm in Dorset. Heard nothing for another fortnight, then I received her resignation by text, declining to work her 4 weeks contractual notice period. As she is a senior manager in a care setting, she knows exactly how difficult that is for the organisation and the old people in our care. All a bit disappointing

That's sad to hear.

I hope her decision is to do with the bereavement and family issues rather than the bereavement and your perceived insensitivity.

I'd have thought that after 12 years living in a different country you'd have realised that there are cultural differences and that, even if you weren't aware what they are, you'd at least consider them as an explanation. And accept an apology.

It was considered on this thread early enough by someone with experience of it.

I hope you manage to fill the position quickly.

Oh dear, that is really bad of her. You can't resign by text message! What has been your response?

(I think you were very reasonable.)

The most common way to resign seems to be by text, from my experience, with no notice worked. I find it depressing that some people don't have the courtesy to actually discuss the situation.

Still, am competing on the sale of this company next week as we have moved away, and am going to do nothing for a few months!