To think MiL really should have got over herself by now

[freddiefrog]

and to refuse to go and see her until she gets her backside down here and visits us!

10 years ago DH and I moved a few hundred miles away from the area we grew up in to a village on the SW coast. At the time, MiL totally disapproved of our move, told us we'd regret it, would hate it and would be back home within the year. Kicked up a massive, massive stink, refused to speak to us, refused to ever visit us and was generally bloody awful about the whole thing.

10 years and 2 kids later we're still living here, still love it and have a very happy life and in all this time she has never, ever visited us.

We still have family and friends 'back home' and go back for birthdays/Christmas/etc, probably averaging once a month - we stay with my parents as they have more room for all of us (2 adults, 2 kids and 1 dog) and visit everyone, including her.

We last saw her at Easter (she was away on holiday the last time we went back so didn't get to visit her) and she's currently kicking up a huge fuss because she won't see our kids now for a few months. We like to stay down here over the summer, it's a fantastic place to be, so we have no plans to go back until the October half term, but she knows she's more than welcome to visit us here.

When we moved here, we totally accepted we'd do the bulk of the travelling if we wanted to see people, other F&F come and visit us a lot (we're hugely popular in the summer months :) ), but in this instance, IMO, if she really wants to see the kids before October she can ger off her arse and visit us.

Does it never come up in conversation that she's behaved like a spoilt brat for 10 years?? I can't quite believe she's never visited you in all that time?

YANBU in the slightest. I wish daily I had told my cowbag of a late mother to haway and shite before she caused me to become physically and mentally ill due to her utterly foul and unreasonable behaviour. Do what you want, be happy.

Nope, she's never really mentioned her behaviour again. DH got a hlf arsed apology a few months after we'd moved here and she still wasn't speaking to us and it became apparent DH was hurt and wasn't going to make the first move, but never again.

She has never darkened our door, ever. Which is stupid really, it's a fab place for a holiday, we have a spare room so she could have a freebie jolly

Oh, and she's a perfectly fit and healthy 65 year old. Her and her husband have a car, can both drive and have no financial difficulties that may cause difficulties.

She's just a stubborn old bag

Has she severe mobility issues? If not then YANBU. We live in a different country to the majority of our FnF and know your situation so completely sympathise. I on the other hand am quite happy for the MIL not to visit but thats a whole different story haha!!

Id just tell her outright, if you want to visit then you´re most welcome, due to holiday/finance etcetc, then we won´t be back in xxxx til October, choice is yours. And leave the ball in her court. Good luck!

Ooops crossed posts! You are definately NBU then!!

i think you need to stand firm and just keep broken record saying 'you are welcome to visit us anytime' in a pleasant voice.

I had something similar with exPils. ExH and i were together 11 years. We lived in London, they lived in the north. They hate London so would refuse to come down. But expect us to visit up there all the time. They eventually started coming down once a year.

Driving all day Sat, being knackered and moaning about how much they hated the place, making racist comments about our area, doing impressions of our neighbours african accents and pissing themselves laughing in front of them, getting up early Sunday for the drive back. Moaning for weeks after about how they were still 'recovering'.

They thought we would say no, we'll come to you instead. But whenever they moaned i would say politely 'yes that's the same journey we do to visit you once a month'. Of course it wasn't the same in their eyes, their journey was much harder, they worked harder than us, they HATE London etc.

YANBU at all. If she asks why you aren't coming to visit over the summer, smile sweetly and say "time for us to offer you some hospitality I think" . I am impressed that you go back for visits as often as you do. I live 200+ miles from my home city and don't go back more than 3 times a year.

There is no way on this planet that you are being unreasonable. Even if she did have mobility issues, a reasonable MIL would not moan about you moving away and be grateful that you never pressured her to visit you but were happy to visit her.

Seeing as that's not the case, I would find it very hard not to say anything about how childish she has been for a decade and how her grandchildren would love the opportunity to show her around their home town. Because that's what it is - your home.

YANBU, a ten year sulk is really quite something! Just keep inviting her to you, maybe mentIon that two adults travllng is far easier than plus 2 children and dog.

Following the current ding dong, I've actually told her that we won't be visiting her when we do go back in October.

It is outlr home now, my kids would love her to come here, show her all their haunts, have a BBQ with her on the beach, go sailing with her, DD1 is into surfing and would love to show her her skills.

I'm really close to my family so I like to go back a lot, also over the last few years a lot of friends and family have got married, had babies, significant birthdays, etc, my Gran had a big party for her 90th so we've had a lot of reasons to go back iyswim.

My dad is retiring next year and they all want to move down this way so there'll be less reason to go back then.

She just won't admit she was wrong 10 years later

I mean, my parents were worried but they encouraged us, told us they'd always be there for us if it went tits up but ultimately we had to live our lives and do what made us happy and they're delighted for us that it's worked out. She just can't do that, and her coming here would be admitting she was wrong!

oh dear, it sounds as tho she would have rather been right and you all have a miserable life than be wrong and her son & family be happy.

Well leave her to it then. She can mutter to herself about it all while you are all having a fantastic time on the beach.

I take it your DH has explained about the children wanting to show her things? Has he actually said 'are you doing all this because of x? if so you are being very childish'. What does Fil say?

Oh, and a 10 year sulk is nothing. She fell out with her sister 25 years ago and still refuses to speak to her but can't remember what the initial row was about in the first place

Your poor DH. He must be so hurt that his mother refuses to visit.

I'm in a similar position - MIL has only seen our 1 year old DS once and has never cuddled him. I know my DH is upset, but won't address it with her.

If your DH won't address it with his mother, there's not a lot you can do. Why are these women so stubborn?

Sorry, x-posted, yes, DH has told her until he's blue in the face but I think it's too firmly entrenched now, plus the fact that we saw them regularly when we went back meant she still got to see the kids/the kids got to see granny and grandad.

Step FiL isn't really a kiddy man, he plays with them, treats them well but has no kids of his own so can take them or leave them iyswim

FiL and step MiL are always down here and think she's nuts!

She sounds like a 'difficult' woman! Stick to your guns!!

She's a silly, stubborn woman who will die lonely and isolated. Let her get on with it!

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

We have a similar problem. MIL lives a 2-hour drive away (I live abroad in my DH's country) whereas my parents live in the UK. My parents like to come and visit us and between them coming over here and me flying back to the UK, I probably see them 4-5 times a year.

MIL is always moaning about how often I fly back/how often we see my parents in general. But she NEVER takes the initiative to come and visit us. We always have to formally "invite" her months in advance, usually more than once, and she takes ages to make up her mind. If she eventually does come, she moans about the "long" journey and how much she hates the city (she lives in the country) and often leaves early.

On the other hand, she expects us to go and visit her (we don't have a car so it's 3.5 hours on the train) at least once a month. We try to visit every 6 weeks or so (we started out doing the once-a-month thing but that wasn't enough either), not counting days where we meet up halfway (they don't count apparently) or times when DH visits her himself while I'm in the UK (again, doesn't count apparently), but this is never enough. Worse still, if I visit my parents in the UK for more than a weekend (I often do 4-5 days), she moans that we should be visiting her for exactly the same amount of time.

MIL is 61, drives, is very fit and is very financially comfortable - and she's retired, so she has oodles of time on her hands. I appreciate that my parents love to travel and she doesn't, but surely she could get over that for the sake of seeing her only son? And surely she should realise that she's in a much better position than my parents, who live IN ANOTHER COUNTRY!

Sorry for the long rant, but this is my biggest problem in my relationship with MIL :(

Stick to your guns! Once she realises that you won't always be pandering to her, she might change her tune. If she doesn't, then she is the one who is missing out. Sad that even her grandchildren aren't enough reason to motivate her. We don't have DCs yet but I fear we'll end up in the same situation as you.

Maybe Dh should say this too her - how HE would like to show his own mum some hospitality etc....and that he hopes she accepts as wont be seeing her for a long time otherwise...how he would like to show her his house...

end of. take it or leave it.

I just wonder if this MIL problem comes from MILs who have shite relations with thier sons, and then feel cut off when they marry as they dont know them, dont have a great relationshp with them?

I don't think that's always the case, elizaregina. I wouldn't say my DH has a poor relationship with his mum - in fact, he is very caring towards her. I know my DH puts a lot of effort in trying to get her to come here, thinking up things we could do together when she's here, etc., but ultimately, she's just of the mindset that it's the child's "duty" to visit the parent, not vice-versa.

Often I think MILs like having their son back in the old family home, because it's a bit like when their DSs were children and they're back in control, which I can understand. But there has to be a happy medium.

7 years it took mil to visit us, shes since been twice. This was only cos of my bad birth injury with ds2. Well I still reckon its her turn do I'm digging my heels in and won't be visiting until she has been done at least four times.

I know I'm being a bitch but she can make the effort

YANBU. 18 months ago DH and I decided that my MIL can start making the effort if she wants to see her GC, she had visited once for 20 mins on Boxing Day, we haven't seen or heard from her since. Even when my DH was seriously assaulted in January she couldn't be bothered.

When we did see her on Boxing Day she complained about how far away we lived and how long it took to get here, she is 62 years old, fit and healthy and lives 2 miles away, it takes no more than 10 mins to drive here.

YANBU at all! If she wants to see her gran kids before October then she's free to travel and do that

I have this, and with both sides of the family. It meant that, when DD was born, there were colleagues from a plce I hadn't worked for a year who saw her before any of the grandparents. None of them ever come to us, for any reason, ever.

It means that A) DD has closer relationships with our freinds, who are substitute Grannies, Aunts and Uncles - she is closer to her CM mum, than to mine - and B) I feel absolutely no guilt whatsoever about saying that this year, they can all stuff off and we're going away.

After years of running to them constantly, I made the choice that DD's birth would be the point at which things changed. When none of them made the effort to come and see her in her own home, after she'd been in NICU for five days and we were advised no car journeys of more then ten minutes for the first few weeks, I took that as a good indication of their level of interest and operated accordingly from then on.

Made my life much simpler!