To Wake My DS (15) At 6am To Wash The Pots? Oh Dear this Is Long (sorry)

[AngelWreakinHavoc]

I hope I dont sound like I'm being petty but I am so sick and bloody tired of his attitude. This spurt of tension started Yesterday and now we have had four fully blown shouting matches since then.

Yesterday he declared he was not going to school today as everyone else was going to Alton towers for the rewards trip and he wasnt, HE CHOSE NOT TO GO..
I gave him till the last day before the letter had to be in for him to change his mind as he loves Alton towers, His reason for not wanting to go was because of the time of year and he would have to queue for the rides (My dp takes him in october when it is quiet).
Anyway I told him he had more chance of being bit by a daffodil than he was having the day off which resulted in a huge argument and him telling me I'm 'tight'.

This morning when I went to wake him for school he refused to get up as he still didnt want to go, After going back to his room 3 times he eventually gets up.
I am downstairs working by this time (I work from home) and he wouldnt look at me or speak to me, only to ask for some money then he just goes off with me shouting 'have a good day,love you' after him, which is what we always say. I get no response.

He comes home from school and was ok, normal hello how was your day etc.
I told him to get something to eat like cereal as he was going boxing and last week he was in agony after eating a big meal, so he did.

My dp comes home and tells me at 5pm when i'm still working that I am taking him to darts tonight (which is 5 miles away) I dont mind but it was putting me on a tight schedule to make dp food then get him to darts before getting ds to boxing (10 miles away in the opposite direction) for 6.30pm.

I rushed around getting washing in, making tea etc for myself and dp so it was 6pm when we left.

I dropped dp off at 6.15 and as soon as he got out the car ds started again with his attitude. Why is my dp taking the piss he knows I have boxing, i'm going to be late etc and he went on and on and on.
I explained that as a family we are a team and we help each other out, my dp would do anything for him and he knows this, they have a good bond.

He quiets down for a bit then says 'I'm not going to school Tomorrow as its only half day because of the olympic torch' So here we are again I will NOT let him have the day off. We argued all the rest of the way about it and again I'm being 'tight'!

We get to the Gym and he goes in, I wait in the car for him for an hour and a half (I do this twice a week as there is nowhere to sit in there so i read on my ipad).

He comes out wearing new Fight club t shirt with his name and new boxing gloves which I paid for last week £50s worth.

He gets in the car and asks to go to mcdonalds, HERE WE GO AGAIN... I said no, I just wanted to get home, I have been working all day and been running round after everyone all night so of course again another argument telling me I'm tight as i've had my tea and thats the reason I wont take him. We argue for 5 mins before I tell him if he doesnt shut the fuck up I'm going to kick him out my car (I was really mad by this stage, I havnt been driving for very long and I need to concentrate on the road not having a pointless argument with a 15yo) The rest of the journey was in silence.

We get home and he goes for a shower, He then comes down and asks for toast, i say yep i'll do you some in a minute (I was actually reading a thread on here about what day you were born on).
5 mins later he come back down annoyed I havnt made his toast yet so i get up to go and do it.
Whilst i'm in the kitchen he starts shouting from the other room that i'm being stupid not knowing what day I was born, which is what I commented on the other thread (it was which weekday not d.o.b) I explained this but he just rolled his eyes.

I start washing the pots and ask him to watch his toast as its under the grill and he starts shouting again telling me the least i can do is make him some tea.
The only job round the house he has is washing the pots (which he is paid for) and he couldnt even see I was doing him a favour so i flipped and called him an arsehole, told him to do his own toast and then wash the pots, I walked out of the kitchen and left him.

He refused to wash the pots shouting from the kitchen he was going to bed, and thats what he done, he just went without even saying goodnight.

Oh dear that was very long and I'm sorry, I feel much better now though!

But back to my question AIBU to leave the pots there and wake him up early before school to wash them?

Oh, goodness. Teens can make you tear your hair out. It's late & I'm off to bed so will just be quick - if it were me I wouldn't wake him at 6am & make him wash dishes. What's teh point? He'll just be a PITA.

But what I would do, starting from tomorrow, is tell him (nicely!) to make his own toast/tea in future.

You are the adult here so take a deep breath & try to keep your patience!

Good luck.

yanbu (only read first and last paragrah though tbh)

No, you would not be being unreasonable. However a) it sounds like he would refuse and then what would you do? and also b) that is a very short-term approach.

Looking longer term, you need to talk, rationally, with him, not when he's in a temper, not at 6am and not when he's hungry/late/whatever. You are his mother , not his maid. He can make his own toast. He can probably also sort himself out with a lift either to or from boxing.

I would be fed up and pissed off too, but you are the grown-up, so you need to talk to him as an adult, rather than have a knee-jerk 'fuck you' reaction.

Why oh why are you pandering to everyone so much? You HAD to make DP something to eat? You HAD to wait in the car for an hour and a half rather than your grown up lad making his own way home? You make his toast for him?
You really aren't helping yourself here

I have zero experience of teens (except being one) but I have a line that you might be able to use in getting him to participate more in the household jobs, if you want to.

"My job is not to do everything for you, but to raise you to be a wonderful man."

Oh Christ, good luck - I'm not looking forward to it...

Exactly what FutTheShuckUp said. And, all the swearing at him can't be helping either.

I too have a 15yr old boy. Don't they just piss you off sometimes?

I agree with other posters, there is n point turning the pots into a battle, it will end up in another huge row with you feeling crap, and you cannot force him to do it. However, as he gets paid for it, you can NOT pay him, as his consequence for that.

Longer term, absolutly, he can make his own bloody toast, he can make his own tea (and you one too, while he is boiling the kettle). He is 15, and is quite capable of treating you with respect!

You have my total empathy xx

Thanks Everyone. I was worried I would sound petty when I was typing, and I probably still do. I have to take him or he couldn't get there, we live in a very small village and there is no public transport. As for making dp his tea well I could make a whole new thread about that!

YANBU but personally I wouldn't - he will no doubt refuse and you will start the spiral off again.

Oh, and tell him to make his own toast.

Oh my god, why are you such a doormat? Jumping up to make him toast, driving everyone everywhere...why does he get paid for doing one job around the house?
My 7 year old is more help than him!

I would wake him at 6, yes. You need to assert yourself here.

MrsTerryPratchett I matbe should have put that in my op I do not normally swear at him, I was at my witts end tonight.

As FutTheShuckUp says, why are you pandering to everyone so much?

As waking DS up at 6am, do you usually get up at that time or would you have to get up extra early just to wake him?

And he gets paid to wash the pots, why?

WTH...The only thing I've gleaned from that mammoth post is that your DP doesn't help you, and neither does your DS!! You've made them lazy by waiting on them hand and foot. Sorry, but at 15 my brothers could rustle up something to eat for themselves and for my sister and me...how hard is cheese on toast for a 15 year old? and WHY on earth do you use a grill and not a toaster? Stop being a doormat, woman!!

You don't 'have to take him' at all. It's not a doctors appointment. he wants to go there, and he wants you to take him- so actually, he should be being extra nice to you, not so god damn rude. If I was driving someone somewhere as a favour and they were disrespectful to me, I'd simply turn around and go home.
Your DP doesn't sound much better. 'Telling' you you were taking him to darts? Normal couples would ask for a lift. And what's the deal with you jumping up to do his tea?
I'm the least feminist person you will meet, but fgs, sort it out.

1. I probably would have just let him stay off school, but I never went in the last week of school when I was his age, I hated school.

1. Tell him to make his own toast.

1. I wouldn't wake him at 6am because that would involve me having to get up that early too but I would explain that until he washed the pots I couldn't make any meals for him.

disclaimer, DS is only 5 so the only experience of teens I have is being a stroppy teen myself and the adults were always wrong if I remember correctly

I regretted the crack about swearing as soon as I posted I know how frustrating this parenting crap can be.

You do need to stop doing everything for these children, I include your DP in that description. I cooked all my own meals at 15 (because my DM refused to pander to my vegetarianism). Let them all wait on you for a while.

'I dropped dp off at 6.15 and as soon as he got out the car ds started again with his attitude. Why is my dp taking the piss he knows I have boxing, i'm going to be late etc and he went on and on and on'

To be fair your DS had a point there by the sound of it.

And he would be quite hungry if he only had cereals earlier, not saying you should have gone to McD but hunger does make teenagers grumpy.

Agree with most of the others...stop making him toast!
I too have a 15 yr old ds and his attitude and laziness drives me insane most of the time so i feel your pain.

Stop taking hm to boxing, that is a privelege, not his right. Stop employing him as a pot washer, he will have to get a paper round. He is old enough to be taught that there are consequences for shirking work and disrespecting those who are trying to help him. Being soft on him will do him no favours.

Is it even possible to make a teenager get up at that time? I only have a toddler so i'm a bit clueless but my first thought was he can make his own sodding toast .
It's probably not going to be constructive to try to waken him. Start laying down some ground rules about respect? I'm with you on Dp and dinner though.

I agree with Fut too.
I can't understand why you are doing everything when you have two other capable (near) adults in the house.... your dp comes home, tells you you are driving him somewhere so he needs his tea, and you get up and make it ? Why doesn't he do that while you get the washing or vice versa, so everyone is ready to leave a bit earlier ?
I have a ds who just turned 16 this month - yes, he eats all the time, but he gets it himself. We all take turns to get tea for everyone. Yes, they are HUGELY frustrating and annoying, and yes I sit and wait for him at times as it just makes more sense than him trying to get some places on his own (or drive home and back again). Sometimes it makes sense, but it doesn't make sense to argue with him over and over about things - give your answer, explain the 'why' bit and leave it. Can't see that swearing at him is going to help the situation, or teach him how to discuss something calmly either, th .

Oh, forgot to answer the question .
I wouldn't try to wake him at 6am - it would be a complete waste of my time and would start the day off with anger again. If you want to make a point about the washing up, then leave the stuff, and give him some kind of ultimatum about doing them before tea(?) / bed (?) tomorrow, when you might have a better hope of a positive response. You'd get nowhere with my ds at 6am.

i can totally imagine how it went i have teenagers as well.
but remember to pick your battles. in essance he gave you shit about you sending him to school but he went anyway the giving you shit is just blustering but result is he went to school.

toast hes 15 he can make his own and if he cant then he didnt ought to be doing anything that involves him going anywhere with out total adult supervision perhaps you can explain to him how life works

re the dishes give him one chance and one chance only to do them if he refuses as he has do them yourself but DONT pay him he will soon figure it out after awhile of losing his wages.

if you wake him up at 6 you will be reinstigating the battle it will escalate and cause you stress why bother just teach him the only get wages if work is done thing.

oh and slap your dp for being a twat

Just a thought, why couldn't dp make his own food (and you sme at the same time) if you were still working when he got in?

If you live in a tiny village with limited public transport (I do too) do you have a car each? In which case perhaps next time dp can drop DS at boxing on the way to darts, even if it means DS will be a bit early, he is 15 and hardly likely to die from having to hang around for a while, then you can go collect him at the end, which saves you sitting in the car for an hour and a half waiting.

How does dp get back from darts? Please don't tell me you go and collect him.

I have been where you are, feeling you 'have' to do everything for everyone. I now have an exDP, and a much much more helpful, considerate and mature DS than I had before. I am not suggesting you should bin your DP, but I do get the impression he is taking the proverbial, and that you are allowing him and DS to do that. I asserted myself, DP decided he didn't like it and left me with the 3DC's, I hope yours steps up to the mark.

"We get home and he goes for a shower, He then comes down and asks for toast, i say yep i'll do you some in a minute"

all I can say to this is wtf???? he is 15, not 5... tell him to make his own fucking toast!