To Wake My DS (15) At 6am To Wash The Pots? Oh Dear this Is Long (sorry)

[AngelWreakinHavoc]

I hope I dont sound like I'm being petty but I am so sick and bloody tired of his attitude. This spurt of tension started Yesterday and now we have had four fully blown shouting matches since then.

Yesterday he declared he was not going to school today as everyone else was going to Alton towers for the rewards trip and he wasnt, HE CHOSE NOT TO GO..
I gave him till the last day before the letter had to be in for him to change his mind as he loves Alton towers, His reason for not wanting to go was because of the time of year and he would have to queue for the rides (My dp takes him in october when it is quiet).
Anyway I told him he had more chance of being bit by a daffodil than he was having the day off which resulted in a huge argument and him telling me I'm 'tight'.

This morning when I went to wake him for school he refused to get up as he still didnt want to go, After going back to his room 3 times he eventually gets up.
I am downstairs working by this time (I work from home) and he wouldnt look at me or speak to me, only to ask for some money then he just goes off with me shouting 'have a good day,love you' after him, which is what we always say. I get no response.

He comes home from school and was ok, normal hello how was your day etc.
I told him to get something to eat like cereal as he was going boxing and last week he was in agony after eating a big meal, so he did.

My dp comes home and tells me at 5pm when i'm still working that I am taking him to darts tonight (which is 5 miles away) I dont mind but it was putting me on a tight schedule to make dp food then get him to darts before getting ds to boxing (10 miles away in the opposite direction) for 6.30pm.

I rushed around getting washing in, making tea etc for myself and dp so it was 6pm when we left.

I dropped dp off at 6.15 and as soon as he got out the car ds started again with his attitude. Why is my dp taking the piss he knows I have boxing, i'm going to be late etc and he went on and on and on.
I explained that as a family we are a team and we help each other out, my dp would do anything for him and he knows this, they have a good bond.

He quiets down for a bit then says 'I'm not going to school Tomorrow as its only half day because of the olympic torch' So here we are again I will NOT let him have the day off. We argued all the rest of the way about it and again I'm being 'tight'!

We get to the Gym and he goes in, I wait in the car for him for an hour and a half (I do this twice a week as there is nowhere to sit in there so i read on my ipad).

He comes out wearing new Fight club t shirt with his name and new boxing gloves which I paid for last week £50s worth.

He gets in the car and asks to go to mcdonalds, HERE WE GO AGAIN... I said no, I just wanted to get home, I have been working all day and been running round after everyone all night so of course again another argument telling me I'm tight as i've had my tea and thats the reason I wont take him. We argue for 5 mins before I tell him if he doesnt shut the fuck up I'm going to kick him out my car (I was really mad by this stage, I havnt been driving for very long and I need to concentrate on the road not having a pointless argument with a 15yo) The rest of the journey was in silence.

We get home and he goes for a shower, He then comes down and asks for toast, i say yep i'll do you some in a minute (I was actually reading a thread on here about what day you were born on).
5 mins later he come back down annoyed I havnt made his toast yet so i get up to go and do it.
Whilst i'm in the kitchen he starts shouting from the other room that i'm being stupid not knowing what day I was born, which is what I commented on the other thread (it was which weekday not d.o.b) I explained this but he just rolled his eyes.

I start washing the pots and ask him to watch his toast as its under the grill and he starts shouting again telling me the least i can do is make him some tea.
The only job round the house he has is washing the pots (which he is paid for) and he couldnt even see I was doing him a favour so i flipped and called him an arsehole, told him to do his own toast and then wash the pots, I walked out of the kitchen and left him.

He refused to wash the pots shouting from the kitchen he was going to bed, and thats what he done, he just went without even saying goodnight.

Oh dear that was very long and I'm sorry, I feel much better now though!

But back to my question AIBU to leave the pots there and wake him up early before school to wash them?

Can he not cycle to boxing? Does he really have to be paid to do the chores? If so, don't pay him.
sounds like he treats you like a scivvy. He is 15, let him make his own toast, you are not doing him any favours pandering to him.
YANBU. wake him then sit down with him and your DP sometime this week to work out a schedule for who does what around the house.

AngelWreakinHavoc, your DP appears to treat you like a doormat ("My dp comes home and tells me at 5pm when i'm still working that I am taking him to darts tonight", then follows that up by sitting on his arse while you run around doing everything, including feeding him. I mean, WTAF?). Your DS is presumably learning from his environment, so is treating you like a doormat too. He is 15 - can he REALLY not make his own toast? And if he wants to go to boxing, he says please and thank you for the lift, or he doesn't get a lift.

I tell my DS that he is not a child he is a trainee adult and it is my job to prepare him for full adulthood. And to be an adult, he needs to learn to look after himself, to know how to do every household task. He mutters about it a bit , but accepts it with reasonable grace. Would this approach cut any ice with your DS?

My new favourite phrase with my 16 and 11 yr old sons is "I'll make it easy for you, these are your choices..."

and then lay out what I expect of them if they want xyz.

Our family motto is family first, then school, then everything else.

If he isn't taking care of school/chores/act with some respect towards his family then he doesn't go to practise, get his clothes washed etc. Full stop.

sorry not clear, the choices usually are

1. get jobs done, school done and act respectfully
   or

2. miss out on stuff that is important to you. You want me to drive you, then get your shit in order.

Do it, in fact do it now - get him to do it at 5am. If he is not going to school then he needs to do jobs around the house.

Cleaning the toilet, washing up, vacuuming, makeing tea for all of you. Make school the easier option.

No don't get him up at 6. It's unlikely that he'll get up and do them, but it will cause an arguement and tension.

As has been said if he's paid to wash the pots and doesn't wash the pots then he doesn't get paid. This too will cause an arguement but he will actually have not leg to stand on as you would be in no shape or form be being unreasonable or petty (as you might be seen to be with the waking him at 6)

i too am a bit baffled at why you had to make DP his tea, despite the fact you were still working when he came in. What's the reason DP couldn't make it for you and DS? DS would then have had something to come home to which he could have heated up for himself (yes HIMSELF!). I simply cannot understand why you had to make him toast btw.

Why do you wait the hour and a half in the car? If you can get from darts to boxing in 15 mins (I'm assuming from your OP this would have been around 15 miles as they were opposite directions from your house, darts 5 miles and boxing 10 miles from it) then surely you would drive home and then go back and get him when boxing has finished? That being said if he was late to boxing then I'd agree that your DP was taking the piss. Either DP gets himself to his darts himself or he doesn't go, or he's early or late to them (also DP "told" you that you were taking him to darts?). You were originally sorted to take DS to his boxing but this got priortised down because DP had to be made tea and driven somewhere?

Two other things that struck me, firstly why doesn't he want to go to school? Also cereal and toast really isn't a lot of food for a 15 year old as their entire evening food.

I also have a 15 yr old ds. Sometimes I can see the baby he once was in his face, most of the time, I see a spotty kid with a cat's bum. When he gets a sulk on he gets Cinderella duty, which means washing floors, scrubbing toilets, and taking his little sisters to the park.
You are not doing him any favours allowing him to behave that way. As his mum you deserve to be treated with respect. Your dp could also learn how to be a grown up..

I don't understand a few things
Firstly, why you have to take him to boxing?
I get that you live in a place where public transport is an issue. However if my DCs want to to take them somewhere, wait an hour and a half outside and bring them back, the conditions are they are respectful, ask me for a lift and make sure their jobs are done in the house first otherwise they better find another way to get there, they have 2 feet, they can walk.

And I stick to that as well. Ds1 has walked to football training on more than one occasion.

Secondly, why are you making his food? It sounds as though he expects you to run about after him and he has no responsibility.

I have teenagers, and I know it's bloody hard.
But you said you all have to work as a team, it sounds like you are the only one doing that. It's too much. You have a 15 yo dc and a partner and work.
I've had mine on a rota for years, the DCs cook dinner once a week each, they have jobs to do every day, Hoovering, dishwasher, bathroom, etc and if it doesn't get done they don't go out. And they don't get paid for it either.

I think if I were you I'd be dividing up the chores between the 3 of you, why should you do everything.

You are not a maid or waitress! He is 15 not 5. Is DP another child?

And yes I have teenagers... They are capable of making something to eat and they have jobs to do - more than just washing up too.

Stop namby pambying both of them.

From a 15-year-old's point of view, it did look like you fobbed him off with cereal, made sure you and DP had a nice tea, then couldn't even be arsed to make him toast. I KNOW that's not what happened - but that is undoubtedly how he sees it and I think you need to spell it out. Teenagers' brains are wired to be selfish and they will usually see most situations from a purely self-centred view. It's not a moral failing, it's nature. But it doesn't mean you can't help him develop some empathy for others.

By the time you got home it was after eight (boxing for 1.5 hrs at 6.30) and you had a teenage boy who had only eaten some cereal since lunch. I think it's actually extremely hard to make something to eat when you are ravenous which he must have been. I have two teenage boys so I sympathise with how hard work they can be but I think as his mum you should have been making sure he was fed with something better than toast at that point rather than posting on mumsnet.

Like most posters I wouldn't get him up, would just withhold the payment.

Oh my Goodness. I have a 15 year old boy (very similar by the sounds of it!) and don't they try your patience?

The problem here is that you can't behave like the family slave and then get pissed off when you are treated like it.

Why are you making your DS cheese on toast? Seriously? I haven't done this since my son was about 12. Stop!

Why are you preparing food for your DP in a hurry? Can't he have a bowl of cereal, or prepare himself something on gym nights.

I would NOT do what you do in a million years. Sit in my car all evening - no thanks.

Yes get that lazy, cheeky bugger out of bed and start expecting him to behave like a 15 year old. Let your DP look after himself.

I missed that part.
That's actually a good point.

Was there no left over dinner for DS to heat up?

There's no way my ds1 could eat just toast and cereal for dinner especially after an activity like boxing.

It probably would have been easier to go to McDonald's tbh

His attitude does stink but I am in agreement with the people who feel sorry for him that he only got a bowl of cereal before boxing (whilst you cooked your DP dinner) and was then reluctantly given toast. If there was no dinner for him then you should have bought him a McDonalds.

You are allowing the men you live with to treat you like a doormat, so they do.

They can get their own food, and get themselves to their hobbies - a 15-year-old can cycle 5 miles in 20 minutes and even 10 miles (to darts) is not that far!

Your son is only part of the problem. His attitude is not on - but then he sees you bowing instantly to DP's demands, so no wonder he tries it on.

I was stunned by 'I was working and DP said I had to take him to darts, so I made his tea etc etc...' - WTAF? In most households the DP would ask for a lift, and then the other partner might say ok, you make dinner for us all while I finish work.

As dinner was being made anyway, couldn't enough be made so DS had some to heat up? There is no reasoning with a hungry teenager.

Have you thought about talking to your son at a calm time ? If that doesn't help, you could try asking the boxing coach if he has noticed any change in your son, and express your concerns. Sometimes a quiet word about behaviour tfrom somebody like a coach carries weight with teenagers.

I wouldn't wake him to clean the pots. What I would try and do is talk to him very calmly when it's normal time to get up about how things are going to be different. He will expect you to behave in the normal way and if you do something completely different it will have more impact. Tell him he is very nearly an adult and as such he will from now on not be shouted at do to xy and z instead he will be told whats expected of him and the rest is up to him. So you will drive him to his boxing if he's managed to be civil but not if he's been an arse. He can have macD if he has the money to pay for it. He will not miss school because if he does he will not get allowance or boxing. You are happy to make food for him if you have time and he asks nicely but if he doesn't you WONT make him a thing. Try and deliver all this really calmly and then follow through really calmly. Meet his shouting with calm reinforcements and if he's just pushing your buttons walk away and as soon as behaviour improves reward him by allowing him the things he has denied himself through his bad behaviour. He will rant and rave but just the fact that you are doing something different can change the dynamic. By doing this you are teaching him that you do not get what you want in life by being a bully or shouting and that women are not door mats.

I read your diary of your day with empathy! My DS now 17 seems to have taken an aversion to me after years of a vg relationship :( He and I are 'wired' very similarly and seem to read each other's moods and thoughts rather too closely and that was useful but in this adolescant stage may be backfiring
I realise that he needs to break free and that the obstreperousness and sometimes nastiness is him in the throes of this but when I am tired it makes it tough
Now I too work from home and am on hand rather a lot so I identified with your predicament here - thankfully he has recently passed his driving test and his Grandad has bought him a car and insured it so he has that freedom

Now what tips can I offer? Well we live on a hill farm miles from anywhere but life has improved hugely with both DD and DS since we started having their friends round regularly as they can't indulge in the nastier excesses in front of their peers it seems - horse riding and car mechanicing are the big pulls but also their friends have reasons for being away from home a lot - one a single parent family with Mum working early and late as a carer for the elderly and the other the last 'child' left in the nest with a bike!

Having to act well for great chunks of time is good practice though there is sometimes a backlash when they go after a sleepover say.

Also standing up for myself as a person with needs and ups and downs of my own - and I spot things he likes on ebay etc and get them or make things happen for him.

Finally is there any sign of a girlfriend as that seems to have an amazing effect - and it has long been my ambition to raise a son who will make a woman a good long term partner!

BTW I have given up trying to get him up early now - bed late and up late so he does nothing but shower in the morning - DD is very tolerant of having to sign in late most mornings apparently.
I did score brownie points recently when I finally acted on his long term complaint about back pain and made him a GP appointment - he was X-rayed and his being referred for physio.
Above all I try to have talks with him - he only participates briefly alas but appears to mull them over nevertheless.

He is drop dead gorgeous looking and naturally kind with it and intellectually I know this is merely a phase - also he does get feelings of depression which he needs help to manage which make him feel really down about things - the rollercoaster in Parenthood is a good metaphor.
Anyway keep your chin up as my Mum used to say - this is a tough time and it is hard for both of you but you have the advantage of perspective!