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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP should be getting the flat ready for HIS parents?

28 replies

vodkaandcaviar · 26/06/2012 16:30

They're coming today (short notice!) and have asked DP to make dinner - they even took him to buy the ingredients. I've set up the tabl, tidied up the kitchen and cleaned the bathroom but I asked DP to hoover the flat yesterday and he didn't - it needed doing anyway. He says 'it doesn't need doing' but it clearly does. He also says he's 'too busy cooking' because he's spent the last hour chopping veg for a chilli. Surely he can do it once the chilli is cooking? He's so lazy about making the flat look nice when people are coming round and when it's my family the onus is on me to make the place presentable but I'm sick of having to do it for his, especially since I'd already asked him to do the bloody hoovering. It's not a fancy dinner or anything, I just don't like people coming over when the flat's messy.

AIBU to think he should do it or should I go do it myself now? I know it'll only take 10-15 minutes but I'm sulking. Someone give me a kick up the arse?

OP posts:

megandraper · 26/06/2012 16:32

YANBU. It's annoying though, because if he doesn't care, then it won't get done...

Only answer when one partner is lazy is to have a cleaner IMO.

Lottapianos · 26/06/2012 16:34

Don't do it! He's behaving like a child. Sounds like he should be sharing the household chores more equally with you - contributing equally rather than 'helping out' like a child would. It's his mess too!

You've even gone to the trouble of asking him to do a specific task which you feel needs doing and he can't be arsed. Sounds like you've done your share - don't do his too!

Blueoctopus · 26/06/2012 16:34

I would just put the vac round myself - it's not really a hardship. I mean he is cooking I doubt my DH even knows we have a kitchen let alone where it is and what it's for.

Not sure if YABU or not

Original poster

vodkaandcaviar · 26/06/2012 16:38

I think we're both acting a bit like children right now!

He is cooking - as you say but he's taking AGES over the prep - he's still in the kitchen chopping. He likes cooking chilli (and I don't make a very good one) but if he'd hurried up it'd be cooking now and he'd have been able to do the hoovering. I'll wait until 5.15 and if it's not done then, I'm going to have to do it myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

vodkaandcaviar · 26/06/2012 16:40

And to be fair, he does usually do things if I ask him to (he used to just never clean, ever) but sometimes he takes his time (which I don't mind, I'm glad I don't have to do everything all the time) but it's annoying when someone's coming over and he's not done something I asked him to do yesterday iyswim?

OP posts:

thevenerablebidet · 26/06/2012 16:42

Don't do it then! No-one's forcing you, you don't "have" to do it. Either he really doesn't care, or he'll do it himself next time.

Original poster

vodkaandcaviar · 26/06/2012 16:45

He's just rubbish at doing something 'under pressure' as he'd say but when he does do something, he does a good job, usually.

When he does hoover he goes all out moving the furniture etc. whereas I just hoover the visible bits if I'm just quickly running over it! I asked him to wipe down the kitchen surfaces once only to come in half an hour later to find all the appliances (toaster, microwave etc.) on the table with him scrubbing in every nook and cranny. I guess that's why he sees cleaning as such a chore!

OP posts:

KellyElly · 26/06/2012 16:45

My ex was like that. Just left everything to me when HIS family came round. I ended up doing it because you want the place to look tidy and nice when you have guests. It's annoying but at least he's cooking. My ex used to leave that to me too as cooking for more than two people was beyond him :)

banyan · 26/06/2012 16:46

I would have more of an issue if he was doing nothing but he is cooking a nice dinner for you all. You've cleaned up, he's cooking dinner. I suggest don't make a big deal of it, make sure you're both smiling rather than in a grump with each other this evening and then nobody will notice whether you've hoovered or not as you'll be such welcoming and happy hosts :)

banyan · 26/06/2012 16:48

Actually if he does such a thorough job I might just say "I'll give the worst of it a quick hoover and then can you do your more thorough job when you get a moment" Then you'll feel better that it's not grubby but that he hasn't got away with not hoovering, and he'll know he has a bit more time to do it rather than feeling 'nagged'.

Paiviaso · 26/06/2012 16:51

I sort of have the same situation as you, though maybe a bit less extreme.

When DP has friends or family over, he makes little effort to clean up. I think it's embarrassing not to (one of his friends came over last week and commented on the amount of hair in the shower!) so I do it. However, I don't always do a thorough clean, and DP will help if very specifically directed.

And he always does all the cooking, so points for that.

So I would say YABU, if DH is sort of busy, he is making dinner for all of you, and you know he would be just as happy if you sat and watched TV til they arrived. Just tidy a bit so it "looks" clean if its bugging you.

Original poster

vodkaandcaviar · 26/06/2012 16:51

Yeah, you're right, I will probably end up having to do it. I've calmed down a bit now - it's just frustrating when he does this all the time - you'd think I'd be prepared! Although I guess they did only say he had to cook at 2pm, they'd said they wanted to get an Indian from a nice place by us but then changed their minds.

OP posts:

Original poster

vodkaandcaviar · 26/06/2012 16:55

I should add - it's not that I haven't been doing anything but I just do things more quickly than him because I'm used to having to do them so now I'm at a bit of a loose end thinking I should be doing more but being a bit pissed that he didn't do what I asked him to do before we knew about this impromptu dinner party /rant

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 26/06/2012 16:57

YANBU

But having said that, maybe he feels he doesn't need to make the flat presentable to his Mum and Dad?

I'll sling the hoover round if I know friends are coming over but I don't bother for family...cos they're family!

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/06/2012 18:58

I don't give in to the pressure that it reflects on me when the house is messy/dirty. Just because we live in a sexist society it doesn't mean I internalise it. If DH has friends or family round, he cleans because it reflects on him since he invited them. I will cook because I enjoy it.

squeakytoy · 26/06/2012 19:09

You will be eating the meal too wont you?

It sounds a bit childish to be honest.. you could have whizzed the hoover round in the time it has taken to moan on here about him.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 26/06/2012 19:12

We had an argument like this once. DH works away so the house is reasonably tidy when he gets home on Fridays but usually looks like a bomb has hit it when he leaves again on Monday. It's a combination of wanting to make the most of the weekend as a family and him feeling that since he is out at work all week he doesn't want to waste his weekends doing housework. To a point I agree but my week with DS is probably just as busy as DH at work, especially as by not wasting the weekend we are effectively leaving me with a pile of work to do throughout the week.

Anyway, we are estranged from PILs but this happened while we were merely having difficulties with them.

DH: We should tidy up in case someone visits.
Me: Why? Who's visiting?
DH: Nobody.
Me: So we're alright then aren't we?
DH: Well I just thought my Mum and Dad might pop in.
Me: Have they said they are? Have you asked them?
DH: No.
Me: Well then, if they just turn up they'll have to take us as they find us, but why would they come now?
DH: Okay, I don't know.
Doorbell: Ding Dong.
Both of us: Glare at each other.

He bloody well knew they were coming, deliberately didn't say anything all day because he knew I wouldn't be happy about it (another long story but summed up in that they were offensive about our babies who died, in particular making comments about their appearance) and waited until the last minute before making some half hearted attempt to drop a hint about it.

But he was then pissed off because I had refused to help him tidy up before they came and I was pissed off that he sprang them on me without warning.

Really though, why are yours inviting themselves around for dinner and then dictating about takeaways before demanding you/he cook for them instead? That doesn't sound good either.

WilsonFrickett · 26/06/2012 19:15

But why is the house management your responsibility? He does things 'if you ask him to' - why is it up to you to notice when things need doing?

Original poster

vodkaandcaviar · 26/06/2012 20:38

During this year I was at home a lot whilst he was not so I generally did the bulk of the housework on a day to day basis. I would usually cook and he would wash up the dishes. I don't find it difficult to clean up after myself whereas he has problems in that department. When we first moved in together and he was there all weekend, by Monday the flat would be a state and I ended up getting a bit upset about it. We were both students I just happened to have fewer contact hours than him so worked mostly from home and I found that I was spending too much time stressing over cleaning (silly, I know) So we came to a sort of agreement where I'd point out things that he should do to try and make things fair so that I didn't feel as though I had to do everything. Right now we're both in the flat equal amounts of the time (sort of, I work a bit more) so we try to do equal amounts of cleaning.

Anyway, his parents just left. He'd invited his sister around and not told me - we only have four seats at our table and no other chairs so I had to sit on the sofa in the corner. They arrived early (I should have known) so I apologised for not having done the hoovering and they said something along the lines of 'don't worry about it'. We had some wine and generally a nice time so I'm not cross with DP, I'm feeling nicely tipsy!

OP posts:

DeWe · 26/06/2012 21:37

I have that with dh. Problem is mil makes snarky comments about tidiness/cleanliness entirely addressed at me, which winds me up no end when I've spent all day trying to get things sorted and he has spent the evening avoiding hoovering.

Point I snapped at him was when dd2 was a baby.
She had evenings where she wouldn't settle, for up to a couple of hours. She also would be waking 2-3 times overnight (bf so I would be disturbed). IL turning up first thing in the morning, so we needed to tidy/clean that evening. Dd2 did one of her won't settle, made worse probably by me wanting to get on with tidying. After about an hour I heard dh beginning to do stuff downstairs.
As I fed and soothed her I planned how grateful I was going to be when I went downstairs, finding a good deal of the tidying had been done. I would sitting him down with a cup of tea... came down to find the moving noise had been him moving his computer stuff round, he was now sitting down reading a magazine. Then he objected when I went off to bed at 11:00 because "we hadn't finished tidying". He's never done that since...

BerthaKitt · 26/06/2012 22:30

Why did you have to sit on the sofa while they all ate at the table? Why not DP seeing as it was his fuck-up?

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 26/06/2012 23:51

... h should have been on the sofa... it will help him count better next time. one to one matching is a skill he should have learnt when he was about 4

Krumbum · 27/06/2012 01:17

I don't get why people tidy when they have company. We all live in homes that get messy we arnt stupid. It's his parents, if he doesn't mind then why do you care? He's not asking you to do it so why are you?

EchoBitch · 27/06/2012 01:38

Why didn't you just fling the hoover round and the STFU

Do him a favour.

What's the problem?

Are you a 'partnership' or two individuals.

Do you love him?

Does he love you?

Would he throw the hoover around if you needed/wanted him to?

EchoBitch · 27/06/2012 01:45

Big deal.

The flat needs hoovering.

So fucking do it.

It's a flat....can't be that much floor space.

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