Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is rude?!!! (long)

50 replies

my2centsis · 26/06/2012 11:02

Not wanting to drip feed so this will be long!

Dh's sister (21) is at my house! Over the last few years we have not had much to do with her as she is a lier and manipulative person. Few quick examples,

*making a fake fb profile to get step brother to fall in love with fake girl, make him travel halfway across the country to be with her then deleting profile so he's stuck in the middle of nowhere and heart broken.

*lieing to dh dad and step mum that dh and the children and I want nothing to do with them and causing lots of trouble.

  • she has also spread a lot of lies about us in the past.

For these reasons and a lot more we barely have any contact with her. Because of the way she has treated everyone in our city she no longer has anyone. She has never had a job and takes people for granted.

I started receiving txts from her last Monday saying she was going to kill her self etc. I asked her how I could help she said she needs somewhere to live. I said how we don't have a spare room anymore as I have just put my 7mo old In his own room and my daughter (4) also has her own room. She said can I stay on the couch for two days until she can get a flight up north to her mums. We agreed.

It has now been 8days. She eats more then my husband, she sits on my Internet all day. I do her washing, cook her lunch, tea, make her coffe after coffee. She sits and watches tv and doesn't move. I Hoover she turns up tv etc. we ended up putting a mattress in my daughters room for her and she practically demanded nearly all my dds toys go out in the garage.

It's awkward, she goes through our stuff when we arenIt here (my stuff moved when iv got home) she sleeps till at least 10 so we all have to be quiet etc. she has not contributed any money towards food etc.

Dh tried talking to his mum saying we can't afford to be paying for her and I have enough to do without doing everything for her too.... Mil said "don't you know what shes going through" etc making us seem like the bad people.

I honestly don't know what to do. Dh asked her what her plans are she said she doesn't no yet. Dh then said we have to leave our house soon (getting fixed for two weeks as having earthquake repairs) she said I know and walked away.

She grumps at my daughter and gets angry if we go out without her.

What am I going to do...

Is mil right are we infact being selfish and inconsiderate? Don't hold back I want honest opinions!

Thanks

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 26/06/2012 11:05

Why are you making her meals and endless coffees and doing her washing? Turn off the broadband and make her life more uncomfortable. She is taking the piss and you are allowing yourself to be walked all over. Give her a date when you want her to be out by, and tell her you want her out because she is selfish and rude.

babyheaves · 26/06/2012 11:06

Unplug your internet. Unplug your TV.

Tell her that if she wants to stay a single day more you expect her to earn her keep and if she's not prepared to do that she can get out. Present her with a list of what you expect her to do.

21 is more than old enough to look after yourself. If MIL is that concerned she can have her at her house can't she.

iamme43 · 26/06/2012 11:06

Your a doormat chuck her out....................

Socknickingpixie · 26/06/2012 11:08

Yanbu, buy her a bus ticket hand it to her and dont let the door hit her on the way out.

badtime · 26/06/2012 11:08

You don't have to be quiet - your house, your rules.
You are being much too indulgent. The girl is 21 and should take more responsibility. If she threatens suicide again, suggest she seeks advice for her mental health, or report her to mental health services.
She is not your responsibility, and she is being selfish and inconsiderate.

LentillyFart · 26/06/2012 11:09

Where's her motivation to move on? There isn't any. You're making it all rather lovely for her. Do as suggested above and start turning stuff off, stop cooking and above all stop displacing your children for her comfort.

AnyoneForTennis · 26/06/2012 11:10

Well, what exactly is she 'going through'?

oreocrumbs · 26/06/2012 11:10

Honestly I would put her out. I would give her a deadline to make other arrangements and if she fails to act on it tough luck.

In the mean while I would put her back on the sofa. Wake her up in the morning and tell her to look for work/accomodation/whatever.

I would ask for board and help around the house.

If your MIL is so concerned for her daughter she can bloody well come and get her and look after her.

I'm quite harsh though. I would happily look after anyone in need, but I would not let them exploit me and abuse my home and family.

Catsdontcare · 26/06/2012 11:11

Stop doing all those things fgs! I totally understand you not wanting her there she sounds awful but don't be a martyr about by being her skivvy.

eurochick · 26/06/2012 11:13

Why are you doing everything for her and tiptoeing around her? She is an adult. She should be behaving like one.

ChickensHaveNoLips · 26/06/2012 11:16

Wrap some sandwiches up in a roadmap and show her the door.

Original poster
my2centsis · 26/06/2012 11:16

You all are 100% right. Dh just said he asked her again yesterday and she has said she will only go back up to her mum if she has no other options and if we kick her out with no where to go, she then said she knows going to her mum will not be good for her depression and she doesn't no what will happen! She is making us feel so guilty.

Have just found out she has told her mum she will only move in with her if her friend (that mil has meet met) can move on too. Mil has said she hasn't made a decision yet so somehow she's out responsibily in the mean time. Dh and I are only 24 we have only been married 25days we have two young children and are trying to make a real life for our selfs. I don't think this should be our problem but at the same time know how horrible that makes me sound :(

OP posts:
MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 26/06/2012 11:17

Why on earth are you 'looking after' her like this? Stop it at once!

Of course she wants to stay, I'd bloody move in too with waitress service and my washing done for me.

She is an adult. Give her the paper, tell her to sort out a job and a flat, offer her a lift to the job centre and tell her she needs to leave by the weekend.

AnyoneForTennis · 26/06/2012 11:18

Depression??

Is she on medication?

MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 26/06/2012 11:18

It's not your problem. Whether or not her friends can come too, what is she, 13?

She needs to go. Only she is responsible for the choices she makes. There is nothing to feel guilty about.

letseatgrandma · 26/06/2012 11:20

You are letting her do all of this though! Don't feed her or make her drinks. Turn off the Broadband tell her it isn't working out and she's back on the sofa tonight and tell her she needs to be gone by tomorrow.

I can't believe some people get themselves in situations like this.

Original poster
my2centsis · 26/06/2012 11:20

I am doing her tea, lunch etc as I make lunch for dd and I and sits there and watches me so would be rude not to make it for her. Tea is also the same. She has started to make her own coffees over the last 2days although. She just has a way of making me feel so uncomfortable in my own house. But is dh's sister so I worry what his family will have to say if we kick her out on the street when shes apparently suicidal

OP posts:
TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 26/06/2012 11:20

Are you in NZ? (earthquake repairs)

Drive her up to your mums/the airport and leave her there. She isn't going otherwise. You are not being horrible, you are not oblidged to host anyone who turns up on your doorstep just because.

badtime · 26/06/2012 11:21

It does not make you sound horrible.
It makes your in-laws sound exploitative and manipulative.
I agree you should put her back on the sofa, don't do anything especially for her. Make her buy and prepare her own food. You agreed to have her in your home for two days - anything beyond that and she can't really be considered your guest.

ZillionChocolate · 26/06/2012 11:22

If she's unhappy, sitting around doing nothing won't be helping. You're not her mum and you're not a hotel. Give her stuff to do around the house and encourage her to sort herself out.

Original poster
my2centsis · 26/06/2012 11:24

Iv have told her to go to the doctor and get some help. She said there is no way she's going on medication. I suggested talking to a counsellor to which she replied she needs a permanent residents for that and started at me as to say oh yes please move in.

I completely agree with all statements I just feel as we are stuck between a Rock and a hard place.

OP posts:
HecateAdonaea · 26/06/2012 11:24

I wouldn't have taken her in in the first place, given everything you describe, so you are clearly a lovely person and I am a cow Grin

If you can't bring yourself to boot her out, then in two weeks you all have to move out, don't you?

Make it very clear she will NOT be moving back in with you and she either gets herself sorted or she's sleeping under a bridge!

And lock up all your valuables and personal information - eg bank statements etc.

As someone who has suffered mh problems to the extent that I have been put in a mh unit, (I tell you this so you know that I am not coming from the pov of someone who has never had a problem!0 I say that imo, depression is not an excuse for treating people like shit and rooting through their stuff. Depression doesn't do that to you, being a crappy person does! What she did to her step brother was vile

badtime · 26/06/2012 11:24

And it would not be rude not to make her food. Think of her as a really bad flatmate rather than a guest - flatmates buy and make their own food. They also pay rent.
Tell her if she wants to stay, she has to pay for rent and food. Most 21 year olds who live with their parents do.

shewhowines · 26/06/2012 11:24

I think you can be sympathetic but still set boundaries. You could all sit down together and say that for the situation to work there will have to be changes. Your children can't be inconvenienced. The workload has to be divided equally and consideration for yourselves have to be paramount. Explain that whist you want to help, it can't be all take and no give. Set a new date say in a weeks time to review matters.

soozeedol · 26/06/2012 11:25

take her to your GP...let him make professional Dx and suggest she go home to begin some counselling or whatever
Buy her a bus ticket...take her to the bus station and be done with this nonsense

You can't feel guilty that you didn't try to help her with supposed depression.

In the meantime stop creeping around your own home, if you are all up in the morning then she should be too, give her some jobs to do around the house, unplug broadband and hide remotes for tv....let your DC's make as much noise and mess as they can muster....lift her bed of a morning so your DC's can play etc....

if she doesn't like being left behind when you go out somewhere...make your next outing a long hike uphill and point out that walking and exercise is very good for depression and a good way to clear your head!! Ask her what her favourite dinner is and when she tells you...then say well that sounds lovely...I'll take you to the supermarket and you can do the dinner tonight...great!!

Good luck!...send her home asap