To think this is rude?!!! (long)

[my2centsis]

Not wanting to drip feed so this will be long!

Dh's sister (21) is at my house! Over the last few years we have not had much to do with her as she is a lier and manipulative person. Few quick examples,

*making a fake fb profile to get step brother to fall in love with fake girl, make him travel halfway across the country to be with her then deleting profile so he's stuck in the middle of nowhere and heart broken.

*lieing to dh dad and step mum that dh and the children and I want nothing to do with them and causing lots of trouble.

• she has also spread a lot of lies about us in the past.

For these reasons and a lot more we barely have any contact with her. Because of the way she has treated everyone in our city she no longer has anyone. She has never had a job and takes people for granted.

I started receiving txts from her last Monday saying she was going to kill her self etc. I asked her how I could help she said she needs somewhere to live. I said how we don't have a spare room anymore as I have just put my 7mo old In his own room and my daughter (4) also has her own room. She said can I stay on the couch for two days until she can get a flight up north to her mums. We agreed.

It has now been 8days. She eats more then my husband, she sits on my Internet all day. I do her washing, cook her lunch, tea, make her coffe after coffee. She sits and watches tv and doesn't move. I Hoover she turns up tv etc. we ended up putting a mattress in my daughters room for her and she practically demanded nearly all my dds toys go out in the garage.

It's awkward, she goes through our stuff when we arenIt here (my stuff moved when iv got home) she sleeps till at least 10 so we all have to be quiet etc. she has not contributed any money towards food etc.

Dh tried talking to his mum saying we can't afford to be paying for her and I have enough to do without doing everything for her too.... Mil said "don't you know what shes going through" etc making us seem like the bad people.

I honestly don't know what to do. Dh asked her what her plans are she said she doesn't no yet. Dh then said we have to leave our house soon (getting fixed for two weeks as having earthquake repairs) she said I know and walked away.

She grumps at my daughter and gets angry if we go out without her.

What am I going to do...

Is mil right are we infact being selfish and inconsiderate? Don't hold back I want honest opinions!

Thanks

Oh, and if she is saying she is suicidal - call the doctor. Say she is a risk to herself and needs to be assessed.

Call her bluff the selfish little madam she is behaving like an entitled baby and everyone is letting her if MIL is so concerned why hasnt she sent the money down for you to send her back home.

You house your rules Your children come first as for making demands if you let her she will, unplug the TV and turn off the BB tell her she either gets help from the medical profession or she gets off her arse and gets a job.

I suspect its just easier for her to bludge off people.

Good Luck

Dh asked her to carry in a box from the garage the other night she replied by saying how rude he was.

I need to grow a pair. I just hate confrontation and do worry that maybe we send her up north and she does hurt herself. Although tbh I am wondering if that was just an excuse for her to move in here without permission

Everytime she makes a coffee, shout loudly Oh yes please, I'll have a tea and while you're there, make me a sandwich.

Hand her the cleaning stuff when she goes for a shower and tell her it's her turn to clean the toilet. Ask her for half the food shopping costs. She will soon get moving when it gets less cushy for her.

she will only go back up to her mum if she has no other options and if we kick her out with no where to go Tell her. Tell her you are kicking her out. She has somewhere else to go, she won't be living in a cardboard box under the railway.

And yes in Nz :)

If she does hurt herself, it is not your responsibility.
My mother used to regularly threaten to kill herself. The reason she stopped was that I (aged 16) went: 'Well, okay, if that's what you want to do, it's your choice'. She didn't really want to kill herself, she just wanted to make other people do what she wanted. I suspect your sister in law is the same - if you think she is really suicidal, she should seek medical attention, or you should do so on her behalf.

You aren't stuck op, really you're not, you do have a choice

You are so worried about seeming rude or selfish or feeling guilty, but do you think your sil or mil are feeling that way about you? Family helping each other out is a fantastic thing, but not when it's all one way

You've done your bit, now put your marriage your children and your happiness first and make her leave

Thank you all. I don't feel as horrible for not wanting her here.

Just to clear a few things up she has over $1000 in savings as she is saving for a car. And has only had one shower since being here. I could smell her when in the car the other day :(

Thank you all for your advice. I best be off to sleep my 7mo has caught my 4yo cold. Hoping for a good night with them.

Will check back in the morning

Okay, OP I understand where you are coming from if it's NZ!

I think you need to sit down and explain to her that although she is welcome in your home if she really needs it, you simply can't afford to feed and look after her. If she will be staying long term she needs to pay x per month for food, x per month for utilities. She will also need to go back to the couch so your DD can have her room back, she will need to be up and have the bed tidied away by 7am (or whenever) she will need to do Y & Z chores.

The room changes and chores start now, then she has a week to either get a job to pay her way, or get onto the council and sort out benefits. If she hasn't done it by then you'll be happy to give her a lift to the airport.

You are being hospitable, you are giving her the opportunity to stay.

Being hospitable doesn't mean allowing relatives to take the piss, which she absolutely is.

I bet she won't stay though because I someone else will be softer on her.

Hope the house repairs go well, sorry you've had damage.

She is doing all these things because you are allowing her to but you know that from what you have said. Don't make her meals and coffee and don't let her have access to the internet. Why are you being quiet whilst she is in bed or moving DDs toys?

You definitely need to sent her strict boundaries or ask her to leave. I know she is family but she is taking the piss! I have been in a similar (well no where near as bad) situation and I was crap at saying please could you help clear up etc and it made me miserable plus a bit resentful towards the people staying in our house. I ended clearing up just because it was easier and it was only a temporary thing for a couple of months! I wish I had said something straight away TBH!

Oh, and she has to have a shower every day!

I don't wish to be disrespectful of anyone with MH issues but your SIL seems to be going through a particularly comfortable form of depression. She comes across as deeply manipulative too. The threats of suicide sound like emotional blackmail to me.

What I'd do is take the opportunity to move her out when you have to leave while your house gets repaired. Make sure that MIL is told that this situation will be far too disruptive and unsettling for some who is "going through" whatever trauma she is suffering. So you'll make arrangements to get her to the airport and back up to the North Island for her own good.

Sorry to be harsh but this is your making, enabling this behaviour.stop it at once, and kick her out

Easy for your MIL to suggest you're being selfish and inconsiderate when it seems she's managed to absolve herself.

Maybe you can somehow use the time when you all have to leave the house for the repairs as an opportunity for her to move on. And not come back. How long til then?

Never mind letting her sleep on the sofa, i wouldnt even let her sleep in the garage. All this 'suicide' stuff is jus cr*p. people who kill themselves dont tell people they are going to unless they want help but if she hasnt been to the docs she doesnt want help.
Id make her stay VERY uncomfortable or id jus kick her out. And if anything does happen to her DO NOT feel guilty. You n ur new Hub shuld b enjoying ur marriage.

Everyone else has already said my automatic response - ie stop enabling her and inconveniencing your own family for her silliness, but I would add:

You're 24, she's 21, she's going to be your SiL for a hell of a long time - if you let this behaviour carry on you'll subject yourself and your DH/DC to a lifetime of her crap!
If you get this nipped in the bud now, I think you'll save yourselves a lot of aggro, as she'll know not to bother trying it on with you in future.

Be firm and consistent, and make sure she understands - your home is not hers, and she has overstayed her welcome.

Start as you mean to continue and all that!

What am I going to do...

Right-a few ideas...

She eats more then my husband, she sits on my Internet all day. I do her washing, cook her lunch, tea, make her coffe after coffee.

Don't make her food or coffee. tell her that you can't afford to feed another mouth so she will need to buy her own food.

She sits and watches tv and doesn't move. I Hoover she turns up tv etc.

Keep putting the television back onto cbeebies for the kids. If she objects say, sorry-it's their house, their choice.

we ended up putting a mattress in my daughters room for her

Why? Why? Why?

she sleeps till at least 10 so we all have to be quiet etc

No-you don't. This is your choice. I would hoover. If she objects-say 'sorrym this is my house and my life and it can't stop just because you are here'

Mil said "don't you know what shes going through" etc making us seem like the bad people.

It's her child, not yours. Tell her you can't afford it. If she can-brilliant, she can come and fetch her daughter.

Dh asked her what her plans are she said she doesn't no yet.

Don't ask her plans-tell her what is going to happen. It's your house.

She grumps at my daughter

Ask her not to speak to your daughter like that.

You can do lots of things, actually.

Your other option OP is to get on to SILs mum and suggest it's time she sends her off to a relative abroad for a year. Buy a one way ticket and she can come back when she's earnt the return fare (will need the right visa though).

We grew up in the UK and had 4 20yo relatives over for the "just because we won't kick you out doesn't mean you aren't damn lucky and are being ungrateful at home" treatment. Always works!

My goodness she is not your problem, she does not give a damn about you, why should you her, nasty freeloader. Yes grow a pair

letseatgrandma < What she said.

You and your DH need to grow a pair for your own family's sake.

(Actually now I am a mum I find it easier to do this particularly with things I think may have an adverse effect on my DCs.)

As for what MIL said- how rediculous - she is not your responsibility! SIL is an adult and needs to move out of your home! Don't be made to feel guilty by either MIL or SIL and remember 'No' is a complete sentence!

If you don't do anything to change the situation, your SIL could be there with you for years. You have my sympathy, manipulative people like that are very hard to deal with, just focus on how good it will feel to have your house back to yourselves.

I really don't want to offend you, but you're being an absolute doormat.

Stop making coffee and feeding her, get your child's toys out of the garage and disconnect your internet. Make an appointment for her with your gp (you can do this, she will just have to fill in a form when she gets there) and accompany her to the surgery. Then dh needs to give her a deadline for clearing out.

What ever does she have to be depressed about, sounds liek she has a cushy life really!!

I quite fancy a holiday too, so if you could pm me your address...................................

She only threatened suicide to guilt trip/scare you into letting her into your home. From your post it's obvious she has a history of lying and manipulating people, get her out and don't fall for it again.

Stop feeding her, tiptoeing around her, providing her entertainment, allowing her to be nasty to your daughter and give her a week to find somewhere else to live. If she kicks off, throw her out the door immediately. She can only walk over you for as long as you behave like a doormat.

yes, yes selfish and inconsiderate... and lazy... oh and rude too I see. (sil of course)

now stop making her tea/dinner/coffee/doing any ironing. move her back out of dd's room awith the excuse that she is ill. move dd's toys back in and I second the giving her a week to move.