To wonder if I'm 'genderizing' my DD properly

[MrsBramStoker]

Had a playdate with some daughters and mums from my DD's montessori last week. The DDs are all aged about 4.5 and due to start school in Sept.

I collected my DD after montessori before the play date meeting at the playground, to give her a snack/lunch before we went out. My DD changed into her 'Real madrid' top and shorts - basically her granddad is a Real fan and got it for her when she was about 2. It still fits her as DD is on the petite side. She said she wanted to dress for 'the climbing frame' and also wanted to show off her football top to the other girls (bless!). She's very active/quite sporty and got top of her class in gymnastics so loves climbing, etc.

Usually we have a row about what clothes she wears as she often likes to dress in tracksuit bottoms/t-shirts, etc. Not that I want her to wear dresses, but from a practical point of view, I want her to wear the skirts/dresses she has before she grows out of them! But that particular day, I was tired from work/minding my DSs (2 year old twins) and thought 'what the hell'.

When we arrived, one of the other mother's commented on the way she was dressed - asking 'is she a real tomboy' and when DD climbed way ahead to the top of the climbing frame she said 'oh look at her the mad thing! She means all business the way she's dressed'. She again laughed and commented on how active she was and 'crazy' for climbing so high! (note - girls should be teetering at the bottom of the climbing frame and should know their place!

I know it was only words, but it was the way it was said. One of the other mothers asked me where Emma got her football top, etc.

The other girls are quite 'girlie', wearing lovely dresses. Part of me was defending her saying it was great she's so active, etc. The other half of me is a bit worried that she won't fit in, esp in school, as may not play well with the girls.

Currently in her montessori, she DOES play with the girls but prefers hanging out with the boys, according to her montessori teacher.
At home, she likes to dress up in the twins boys clothes. She does play with dolls, tea party but much prefers climbing/being outside/active games.

Was chatting to a work colleague about it and she thinks the worst thing I could do it make her 'wear pink' to fit in. I know I can't anyway but I think she's a wonderful little girl, her own person, really active and bright.

But I just felt the other mother's at the playgroup had raised eyebrows.....Should I force her to be more 'girlie'?

I have never noticed any gender divide in climbing. Our park has replaced the old slide ladder with a climbing wall. DD can get up it in a dress.

I dislike rowdy behaviour if it includes fighting.

I'd rather both my children were more feminine than masculine, especially in school.

DS bumped into a friend from montessri preschool today at the park. Both running around like the crazy 4yo's they are

His friend kept falling over and catching her feet on the climbing frame because she had fucking stupid flappy shoes on. Definitely not suitable for any 4yo to be wearing, male or female

Okay, well, some interesting things that I've found about gender ...

Some girls like to climb, some boys like to climb. Some girls like to play with dolls, some boys like to play with dolls.
Climbing doesn't mean that a girl is a tomboy. Playing with dolls doesn't mean that a boy is effeminate.

There are children at one extreme, there are children at the other extreme and there are lots more in between.

And apparantly some children go to a montessori ...

Just get her a selection of clothes appropriate to what she'll be doing. Most girls I know don't wear dresses much (out of school) - or if they do it'll be with leggings so they can still do handstands and climb without showing their knickers. Some really don't like dresses at all (and quite a lot hate pale pink) but most quite like a nice dress to wear if occasion arises.

Shoes, now there's another thing ... again, appropriate to activity. Not flipflops on a climbing frame!

girl sounds like a sensible girl to me. Knows how to dress for an activity and how to get stuck in. Silly shoes and frilly frocks hinder exercise. Have some pride in the girl and support her choices. I think and at least hope society has learnt to love the tomboy.

I really wouldn't even think again about it tbh. I got home to find my 3 year old dd in a vest and wellies (and nothing else). I did eventually ask her why she wasn't wearing any knickers (or indeed any other clothes) to be told 'I don't want to wear them and I am getting muddy (playing in the garden)'. fair enough I think. to be fair there are limited years of your life when you can get away with wearing nothing (or a football strip) without comment, under the age of 10 should be some of them

I dress my DC as lions. It's easier that way.

You know my Mum would be 82 now if she was alive and when she was little, she wore suitable clothes for the park too, that weren't deemed as 'girly'.

I just can't imagine my Gran and everyone else sitting together discussing 'genderising', 'choices' and 'support'.

Fucking hell, they're just clothes and she's just a kid who likes to climb bars.

Sometimes we all need to get over stuff and realise what a 'non issue' actually is

I think they may have been acting snottily about the fact that football tops are a bit common tbh.

In SOME areas anyway.

Meh your dd had sensible appropriate clothing on, I would ignore any "tomboy" comments, what difference does it make.

I did see the other day an approx 4yo girl with her dad on the school run, she had on toe post platform flip flop things which he was trying to get to stay on, and a strappy summer dress which was somewhere around her belly button and all twisted .

I bet the next day she had sensible shoes and shorts/t-shirt on.

There is nothing wrong with children wanting sparkly shoes and pretty dresses etc, but I bet the majority of dc's couldn't actually give a shiny one whatever their parents dress them in as long as they are comfortable.

Don't worry OP.
My sister used to hate girly clothes & loved getting muddy when she was an infant... now she is surgically attached to her 6 inch heels & hair extensions.
My Mum was horrified when i went through a teenage grungy phase... now i own most of the Clinique counter.

(Ps. your DD is lucky i'm not her Auntie... or she would get her footie tops replaced with frilly dresses in varying shades of pink. With Hello Kitty accessories.)

It's brilliant that she hasnt been taken in by the pink brigade, You don't have to wear pink to be a girl. She should wear whatever is most comfortable for playing and not be thinking about how she looks, if only the other girls were the same. But our culture plus the pressure their mothers are obviously giving them means they are not. I hate the word tomboy, clothes are clothes the dont make you female or male.
What is a Montessori?

My son goes to a Montessori school. I didn't realise it was anything other than a pre-school! (should i spell that realize?)

I think you are totally overthinking this and looking for confirmation that you are doing the right thing.

But...as an ex-tomboy (up until the age of 13, when a man in the chippy called me 'sonny' and i was finally horrified and didn't wear skirts then for another 10 years!) I would give your DD a range of clothes to wear. Some 'tomboys' get into a rut of 'having' to wear boys clothes because everyone oohs and ahhs when they then wear pink.
I think I'm happy with DDs clothes. She wears what the hell she wants - footballs stuff, sequins, DMs with fluffy skirts, anything.
Life doesn't have to be either/or.