Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To wonder if I'm 'genderizing' my DD properly

63 replies

MrsBramStoker · 25/06/2012 22:11

Had a playdate with some daughters and mums from my DD's montessori last week. The DDs are all aged about 4.5 and due to start school in Sept.

I collected my DD after montessori before the play date meeting at the playground, to give her a snack/lunch before we went out. My DD changed into her 'Real madrid' top and shorts - basically her granddad is a Real fan and got it for her when she was about 2. It still fits her as DD is on the petite side. She said she wanted to dress for 'the climbing frame' and also wanted to show off her football top to the other girls (bless!). She's very active/quite sporty and got top of her class in gymnastics so loves climbing, etc.

Usually we have a row about what clothes she wears as she often likes to dress in tracksuit bottoms/t-shirts, etc. Not that I want her to wear dresses, but from a practical point of view, I want her to wear the skirts/dresses she has before she grows out of them! But that particular day, I was tired from work/minding my DSs (2 year old twins) and thought 'what the hell'.

When we arrived, one of the other mother's commented on the way she was dressed - asking 'is she a real tomboy' and when DD climbed way ahead to the top of the climbing frame she said 'oh look at her the mad thing! She means all business the way she's dressed'. She again laughed and commented on how active she was and 'crazy' for climbing so high! (note - girls should be teetering at the bottom of the climbing frame and should know their place!

I know it was only words, but it was the way it was said. One of the other mothers asked me where Emma got her football top, etc.

The other girls are quite 'girlie', wearing lovely dresses. Part of me was defending her saying it was great she's so active, etc. The other half of me is a bit worried that she won't fit in, esp in school, as may not play well with the girls.

Currently in her montessori, she DOES play with the girls but prefers hanging out with the boys, according to her montessori teacher.
At home, she likes to dress up in the twins boys clothes. She does play with dolls, tea party but much prefers climbing/being outside/active games.

Was chatting to a work colleague about it and she thinks the worst thing I could do it make her 'wear pink' to fit in. I know I can't anyway but I think she's a wonderful little girl, her own person, really active and bright.

But I just felt the other mother's at the playgroup had raised eyebrows.....Should I force her to be more 'girlie'?

OP posts:

HeadsShouldersKneesandToes · 25/06/2012 22:52

I think you're asking the wrong question. It is really great that your DD is her own person and has the self confidence to be who she is and not conform to society's expectations for girliness.

Questions I would be asking would be - am I giving her enough opportunities to spend time with like-minded, non-girly-girly contemporaries and other role-models? Am I giving her the skills to deal with it when she starts getting those comments direct from her classmates (some of whom will have less enlightened parents than you)? Am I ensuring that she knows that these choices will never be all-or-nothing - she can swing from the top of the climbing one minute and do something quiet/creative the next without it meaning she is any more "masculine" or "feminine" than she wants to be.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 25/06/2012 22:54

I sort of understand the OPs concerns. I was (am) a tomboy. Short hair, boys clothes etc.

I was mercilessly bullied at school for it (well into secondary)

Yes, people should be able to be different /unconventional etc, but be aware that in school ones peers may not see it that way.

buttonmoon78 · 25/06/2012 22:54

Phew. I thought someone would tell me I was being a pedantic arse but I can't bring myself not to correct it.

Compared to....
Different to....
Toosday....
Noos....

All things I can't let past me without pointing out the error of the poor ignorant's ways

WorraLiberty · 25/06/2012 22:57

You pedantic "ass" button

bobbledunk · 25/06/2012 22:58

I think you'd be crazy to try to make her fit into a stupid stereotype. She is fit, healthy, active and enjoying her childhood rather than worrying about her appearance. As children should be.

You should be proud of her, she sounds delightful. Send the dresses to a charity shop and stop buying her things that she can't play in.

buttonmoon78 · 25/06/2012 23:00

Hee haw.

That's another one though! You can inject so much more feeling into 'ARSE' than 'ASS'.

Fecklessdizzy · 25/06/2012 23:00

What in the name of fuck is " genderizing " ?

buttonmoon78 · 25/06/2012 23:01

I think it's another thing the Americans have invented. Bless 'em.

CharltonHairstyle · 25/06/2012 23:03

I went to a Montessori and I'm not even sure how to spell it

Fecklessdizzy · 25/06/2012 23:05

... And while I've got the bosom-hoik on the go, what the hell's montessori?

Cabrinha · 25/06/2012 23:07

I read that thinking, would it be mean to point out the number of unnecessary Montessori references - seems I'm not the only one who noticed!

General question - what IS it about Montessori that renders people unable to just call it nursery? (or pre-school) I know several people that do this, and I find it really hard not to laugh at them!

Uglymush · 25/06/2012 23:09

What is montessori anyway? Why is it such a big deal? I was a tomboy and had a great childhood!

buttonmoon78 · 25/06/2012 23:13

As far as I can work out it's about allowing children to develop how and how fast they would like. Which seems at odds with OP's predilection to 'genderise' her child.

Of course, I could be talking through my ample arse.

Original poster

MrsBramStoker · 25/06/2012 23:14

Speaking of conforming, I was NOT conforming to the English spelling of genderising - oops, an American spelling slipped in.

Montessori is the same as 'pre school' (or the American Kindergarden )

I chose the word 'genderise' anyway as a bit tongue and cheek but also as the word to mean I suppose, 'introducing your son/daughter to the conventions on their gender'.

Let's call a spade a spade. There are certain conventions in society based on gender. Of course I'm all for what other posters said, about teaching your child to be herself, of course I am.

I guess I was a bit surprised at myself for (almost!) caving in based on other mums comments and (almost) said to DD that she should wear a nice dress on the next playdate (I didn't though)

A friend of mine said she will prob meet other girls who are into the same active games as her, but she also said 'tomboy girls are in the minority'. Are they?

OP posts:

LentillyFart · 25/06/2012 23:17

I just had a quick Google - I may be wrong because I kind of lost interest but isn't it a bit like Steiner? Kids can't do what they want, when they want and if they want. Learn/don't learn - up to them! All well and good I suppose for the wholemeal underpants brigade - unto each their own and all that. No idea why the OP felt the need to mention it quite so many times unless maybe it's expensive or exclusive and this is a kind of a not-very-stealthy stealth boast?

LentillyFart · 25/06/2012 23:18

oops - correction - Kids can't do what they want,......... = kids can do what they want........

noblegiraffe · 25/06/2012 23:22

Omg if you don't genderise her straight away she might grow up to be a scientist or something.

Quick, stick her in a dress and tell her to look pretty or she'll never get anywhere in life.

Original poster

MrsBramStoker · 25/06/2012 23:23

Lentilly?

Are you referring to the repetition of the word 'montessori'?

I can assure it was not meant as a loaded word, not meant to refer to exclusivity/cost. It was merely used to mean 'preschool'.

Replace it with the word 'creche' if you like, or would that be a bit too french and posh?

OP posts:

youonlysingwhenyourewinning · 25/06/2012 23:23

I'm still not sure I'm getting this.

What exactly are you worried about OP?

Fecklessdizzy · 25/06/2012 23:23

Why would you sign up for that and then fret over your child's choice of shirt? Seems a bit counter-productive ...

WowOoo · 25/06/2012 23:26

I sometimes think I'm so glad I had two boys.

I was always called a tomboy. I'm not sure what that even means - skirts were not practical most of the time for me.

Ignore those snidey comments about your child being this or that. As long as she's happy and comfortable.
Of course you're not going to force her to become more girlie and pink. Do that and you'll create friction that's totally unnecessary.
Fuck, people can be so mean. ( I had to justify to a 5 yr old girl why my 3 yr old son was not letting go of a doggy handbag today...Is she a girl? that bag is for girls only. No! etc etc
Good luck!

IneedAbetterNicknameIn2012 · 25/06/2012 23:26

I thought Montessori extended past pre-school? I'm sure my friend went to a montessori primary school too

Original poster

MrsBramStoker · 25/06/2012 23:28

noblegiraffe

OP posts:

WowOoo · 25/06/2012 23:28

I'm not saying the 5 yr old was mean by the way. It was the grown ups supporting her I was bored with.

Original poster

MrsBramStoker · 25/06/2012 23:34

Just brings up some interesting things about gender.

My friend has 3 boys. She said when some of their friends call to her house and are climbing/fighting, these boys parents just laugh and say things like 'typical boys'. As if it's ok to excuse rowdy behaviour as 'part of their nature'

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3