Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parental resp - who is bu

37 replies

Joiningthegang · 25/06/2012 09:42

Very dear friend been with partner for 16 years, she moved into his - had sold her house but didn't put this into the house, but bought bits of furniture over the years. They never marry, everything in his name. Daughter aged 12.

He gives her have the value of the equity in the house and will pay maintenance. Houses not cheap down south but she will have a reasonable house to live in.

He has asked her to sign parental resp - she has refused saying she will think about it after she has moved into the new house.

As her friend I have been honest and said I think she is bu. she doesn't understand why all her friends think she should sign this. She thinks this is a separate issue to the money - I disagree - I'm sure he would not have given her a penny if they didn't have a child.

She has just hung up on me for apparently taking his side. So many men don't give a damn, in her position I would be pleased for my child that he wanted it.

Jury - is it reasonable not to sign parental responsibility in this circumstance.

Just to say, if he had had very little to do with her and just turned up my view would be very different, but he has 100% been there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Joiningthegang · 25/06/2012 09:42

Half the value of the equity (not have)!

OP posts:
HecateAdonaea · 25/06/2012 09:43

Do you mean sign to give him parental responsibility?

I'm not sure, but can't he go to court to get it if she won't agree?

mumblechum1 · 25/06/2012 09:44

Well, if she won't sign a PR agreement he is pretty much guaranteed to get a PR order from the court, after they've both spend hundreds if not thousands in legal costs.

So unless there's something going on which you don't know about, she's being rather silly, and any decent solicitor will advise her to sign a PR agreement.

BlackOutTheSun · 25/06/2012 09:44

So he wants to sign away his rights or am I confused

MamaGeekChic · 25/06/2012 09:51

I'm confused- is he not named on the birth certificate?

shrimponastick · 25/06/2012 09:51

She doesn't have to grant him PR - but to be fair, it doesn't give him that many rights over and above hers.

I split with my XP when DS was 1. Similar arrangement to your friends. XP signed the house over and I took over the mortgage alone - he paid maintenance (over and above the required amount).

A couple of years down the line - i objected to a particular event - and he took legal advice. He asked me to consent and I refused a few times. My friend is a solicitor in family law - and she advised that I just sign it. Having PR only really means that the NRP can consent to medical stuff/school stuff in the RP absence. It doesn't mean that the NRP can take the DC away - or have more chance of custody etc.

So, my XPmayhave PR, but I still make all the decisions as before. (He isn't very involved anyway).

Tell your friend to research it first - she may find that it is easier to sign for PR.

it could be worth it, to keep the amicable relationship - it is much easier to share the care if both parents are able to discuss things.

shrimponastick · 25/06/2012 09:52

PR is only automatically granted if the child was born after a certain date. I think it is 2002?? So this child is older.

Snorbs · 25/06/2012 09:52

She's being unreasonable.

Parental Responsibility is a separate issue to finances though. He will be on the hook for child maintenance regardless of whether he has PR or not.

MissRepresentation · 25/06/2012 09:56

your post doesn't make a lot of sense. Have they split, you imply but don't say this.

curiositykitten · 25/06/2012 09:59

Is he her father? If so, she should acknowledge it, with PR.

There are some right horrid women out there.

shrimponastick · 25/06/2012 09:59

*So many men don't give a damn, in her position I would be pleased for my child that he wanted it.
*

MyXP has PR now - but doesn't actually take any responsibility. I do everything. And he pays the bare minimum of maintenance. So it doesn't mean much in that respect either.

Sorry - just venting.....Grin

Original poster
Joiningthegang · 25/06/2012 10:06

Yes, they split 6 months ago. Her daughter born in 2000.

Thanks for your replies, he has been there for all these years and was the sole provider and has already agreed maintenance.

Glad not just me and her other friends thinking this - thought this was an opportunity to maybe understand her perspective, but agree that she is being a bit "silly"'

Blackout - he want pr, as she was born too early for the birth certificate thing and they weren't married.

OP posts:
GrahamTribe · 25/06/2012 10:14

Personally I wouldn't agree to it but far more importantly I don't blame her for hanging up on you. You say that "all her friends think" she should sign the agreement - WTF has it got to do with them or you? No wonder the woman's pissed if so many people are poking their noses in!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 25/06/2012 10:25

Your friend is being extremely unreasonable.

What sort of a decent parent would deny their child another loving parent with full rights? She is being selfish and over controlling, which is unfair on both her child and ex. Women like that are horrible, and I hope her ex goes to court and gets his rights.

My ex doesn't have PR for our dc, but that's just because we haven't got round to sorting it. He is a great parent and co parent, and i would never deny him his rights.

Original poster
Joiningthegang · 25/06/2012 10:27

Fair point - but she is asking for agreement to her views and sympathy for her situation which is where comments will come from.

OP posts:
curiositykitten · 25/06/2012 10:27

You keep referring to 'her' child but avoiding answering the question is HE the child's father?

bogeyface · 25/06/2012 10:28

Well to be fair Graham it sounds like she has talked to everyone about it, otherwise how would the OP know?

Sounds like she did a real life AIBU, and when people said yes you are, she didnt like it!

Why would you agree to it? A court will give him PR so why drag it out and incur court costs?

Sirzy · 25/06/2012 10:29

Graham - perhaps she has discussed it with the friends in which case they have every right to state their views.

bogeyface · 25/06/2012 10:29

why wouldnt you agree, I mean!

Original poster
Joiningthegang · 25/06/2012 10:32

Curiously apologies - he is absolutely her daddy

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 25/06/2012 10:34

If the OP's friend's STBX has been fully involved in his dd's upbringing, why can he not have pr? As others have said, the courts will grant it so why drag out the inevitable and incur the costs? It seems as if she's keener on punishing her former partner than she is thinking of her dd's long term relationship with him.

curiositykitten · 25/06/2012 10:37

Then why not give him PR? If he's her father and been involved (even if he hasn't been involved, he's still her father!) then he should have as much rights as she does.

curiositykitten · 25/06/2012 10:38

Was it a nasty breakup?

ivykaty44 · 25/06/2012 10:42

the finance of the split is one issue

the child resp is another separate issue

could they go down the mediation route over the child issue to try to sort out?

GrahamTribe · 25/06/2012 10:50

There's a difference in saying, "I don't agree with you/I don't think that's wise/That's not how I'd do it" etc and "You're being unreasonable... " though, isn't there? The woman might have discussed the whole thing with friends (or some of them might have raised it, which is different again) but while they may disagree with her that doesn't mean that she's inviting them to tell her, as the OP did, that she's unreasonable. I think it's that which probably annoyed her and imho that's understandable.

Swipe left for the next trending thread