Parental resp - who is bu

[Joiningthegang]

Very dear friend been with partner for 16 years, she moved into his - had sold her house but didn't put this into the house, but bought bits of furniture over the years. They never marry, everything in his name. Daughter aged 12.

He gives her have the value of the equity in the house and will pay maintenance. Houses not cheap down south but she will have a reasonable house to live in.

He has asked her to sign parental resp - she has refused saying she will think about it after she has moved into the new house.

As her friend I have been honest and said I think she is bu. she doesn't understand why all her friends think she should sign this. She thinks this is a separate issue to the money - I disagree - I'm sure he would not have given her a penny if they didn't have a child.

She has just hung up on me for apparently taking his side. So many men don't give a damn, in her position I would be pleased for my child that he wanted it.

Jury - is it reasonable not to sign parental responsibility in this circumstance.

Just to say, if he had had very little to do with her and just turned up my view would be very different, but he has 100% been there.

Nasty for her as they slowly drifted apart and he moved out - she is very hurt. I appeciate your responses as I was starting to feel unreasonable in thinking she was u - iykwim!

I think she is punishing him as she is feeling hurt but trying to be supportive is a struggle when you can see the partners point of view.

Grahame - yes, I didn't say she was unreasonable, more that i would sign given the circumstances and that he is her father so think she is wrong by not signing in my opinion.

The best advice is to take the middle road. Don't judge, be there for her. Don't tell her she's unreasonable, do say that this may not be wise and why. A bit like, "Do I look fat in this red dress?" - far better to say, "I think the blue suits you even more, you look great in that navy colour", than, "Yeah you look fat in the red dress, wear the blue instead".

OK, joining, but don't have a go at me, it's all your fault! You said that you'd told her "you think she's BU" in your opening post!

So he will have access and need PR!

If she nets medical attention in his care then he will need it, also, in order for school to forward school letters and reports. They will need a copy on file.

Is she worried that her dd may want to stay living with her dad? At 12 she would be able to choose.

The only possible reasonable reason not to sign it is if she genuinely fears he wouldnt return child after visits or abduct them to another country.

Doesn't sound like either of these so she us being unreasonable.

if the child needed medical treatment - the child would get medical treatment - no doctor would risk a child's life waiting for PR, schools don't forward letters even when a parent has PR so not sure how that one works. The mum could pass on the letters as some other mums do or just direct them to school website to get letters etc

Graham's right, don't judge (openly, at least) just support her and be tactful. She's clearly very raw atm - I'm sure she'll come round in the end.

This won't cost much for him to gain, because of her age and he has lived with her.

Come next year it is up the the child to refuse or agree, PR and contact. It's not something that your friend wants hanging over her when her DD hits the teenage years.

They play split parents off against each other, in normal circumstances, without there being unresolved issues.

The DD can refuse or choose medical treatment, at 13, if no SN, even claim the right to die.

At 14 your friend will have no say and the DD could opt to live with her father.

Your friend is being increadibly stupid over a non issue.

Her refusing to give PR is futile as he can go to the courts and get it that way, and it sounds as if he has always taken full responsibility toward his daughter anyway.

She is being silly and will be seen as such by the court.

I think there are a few occasions where delaying giving PR is advisable... this is not that time

My ex doesn't have PR, but the school are still more than happy to email him the newsletters, and they send ds's home with two copies of their reports. I don't think that has anything to do with PR.

Grahame - I didn't realize you'd seen my red dress - you should have said. I guess tact is the order of the day!