in just NOT understanding the rules of dating anymore?

[ColouringIn]

Too much to post really but in short am 46, separated 5 years, not dated much since, history of childhood sexual abuse (yes I've had counselling and other therapy), can't do online chat and too many men out there who seem to want an easy lay.

Friend just met a new bloke - seems a nice guy but they were practically having sex on the first date! Is this what men want these days? Because I don't think I can do it, I am probably too prudish but I like to know someone before I jump into bed with them.

Lots of messages on POF for me - some who cannot get beyond "Hi" , don't men talk anymore - and the ONE who DID manage more than Hi sent exactly the same message to my friend and then made the comment that "got to cast net wide to see how many fishies I can catch" .

And there an awful lot of men who are very specific in what they want........and I am evidently not IT.

How do I get more of an understanding of it all?

You'd probably be best to start by realising that all men are different.

Then, get yourself signed up to a decent dating site rather than a free one that seems to attract the dregs of society.

Maybe you need to cast your net wide and see how many fishies you can catch!

I'd say, some men do expect this sort of thing now, but because some women so freely do it! I don't think all men are like this though so don't settle for less than you want. Eventually, someone who thinks and feels the same way as you will come along. Then you can have a truly wonderful relationship.

I worked with someone who joined one of the old style dating agencies (not Internet dating). She made a good group of friends and went on lots of social activities and although it became quite incestuous, i.e everyone in her social circle had been on a date with each other she really enjoyed it and met her husband there. There was no
bed hopping and a really good range of people from car mechanics through to a member of the aristocracy. She had loads of funny stories!

I do sympathise Colour am in similar situation, but I just don't seem to have the strong stomach necessary for the inevitable rejection. I do think that Speed Dating may get over the first hurdles. Not that I have tried it (yet).

yanbu
there seems to be a lot of pressure to have sex on a first date. Its horrible.

Some men do expect that, but it's not the rules. The rules are you do whatever makes you feel happy. And that is that really. I think sometimes dating sites can be a bit depressing, particularly with the men who 'are looking to cast their net wide'. As a pp said, it might be a better idea to find a decent website, one that you pay for. If people are paying then hopefully they are a bit more serious about finding someone to have a relationship with.

I'd imagine one of the most important things to realise is that there are no hard and fast rules. If you don't want to jump into bed with someone then don't. Personally I've often found romantic partners when I haven't been looking for them e.g. through work, societies etc.

Just a word about online dating - I haven't done it for a while but if you're going to go down that route then it might be best to sign up for more than one site. I had variable results and little success but it is the quickest most efficient way to meet men if you're unlikely to meet any through work or socially.

I had someone turn up to our second date with an overnight bag so I know how you feel about men expecting sex. But doing it online, you soon develop a radar for spotting the undesirables. There's a thread in Relationships about this (the dating thread) the ladies there know their stuff :)

I have a few friends now back in the dating game in their 40's, and while I recognise what you say, I'd also say some of them date for sex just as much - I think if you've been used to getting sex almost on tap for decades, you are less fussed about when you open the next shag account.

I think the best is to do what you want, not shagging on the 1st date is probably as good a winnowing system for decent men as any.

Well for a start I'd get off POF. Sign up to one with a better reputation. It won't stop the sleazes but will cut them down.

And remember everyones different. Some guys are looking for an easy lay, some are looking for commitment. You don't have to respond to the sleazes and you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with when you are on a date.

Oh, love. POF is notorious for attracting those types.
Stay well clear.
Guardian Soulmates is good-few too many over earnest types, and its expensive, but you do get men who are looking for relationships, probably for this reason.
Match is OK too.

Remember that you set the parameters.
I also have never slept with a man on a first (internet) date. It's just a getting to know you thing. I
am not really looking for casual sex any more, so my parameters are clear; no overtly sexy talk/email. Stay friendly, casual, flirty but not insinuating anything.
I find that the rules of dating have changed, in some ways, and especially for the twenty somethings, if you want them to.
For example, it seems normal for a 23 year old to text a guy a picture of her tits after 3 dates. (I know, I know!)
I would never do this, and it's obvious to men I date that that is not what they are going to get from me.

I have had a few almost boyfriends from internet dating. One thing I do find is that, because you are not meeting these men through people you know, you kind of have no frame of reference for them. You have to take them at face value, and sometimes you can be disappointed.

I had one guy, we dated for maybe 6 months, who still texts me, calls occasionally. He is always very sweet, complimentary etc, talks about meeting up.
The other day I though, what the hell, maybe there is something in this, so I asked him to meet me for lunch on Saturday.He said there was nothing he would love more...
This was on Tuesday.
By Saturday morning he still hadn't sorted a babysitter (his child is nearly 12, and they live with his parents so not sure how much of an issue that really was!)
By 11 am I texted him to say I had made other plans.

Some men, apparently, are not even capable of committing to lunch!

Sorry, wrote a novel there. I have a job app to do, so clearly am procrastinating!

I think there are just as many chaps looking for a leg-over online as there are in the 'real world'; I guess the online world affords some level of pretence though, so people are probably a bit more explicit about it than they would be in real life.
I was 28 when I was looking for love online, and just stuck to my guns about being 'old-fashioned' about sex on a first or early date: I think as a rule of thumb, if you are looking for a relationship, it is a good idea to wait (even if you are tempted) as you get to see a man's true colours. I met a nice guy, but when I didn't sleep with him after date two he confessed he had come online for an 'experience' and not a real relationship. I said I didn't want to waste me time and decided not to meet him for a third.
Everyone is different though, and women can be just as horny as men: I knew that I wanted more than I one night stand, some people might want just that.
I think there's a lot of pressure for women to seem 'up for it' and raunchy - but just be yourself.
I would agree with what others have said, that Guardian Soulmates, or another paid one is a good idea. I had a few dates via Guardian Soulmates and met some nice guys.

I met my partner over the Internet. It wasn't a dating site though, if you can believe it, I met him on the xbox playing call of duty. He was a friend of a friend and we started playing together (the game that is) it was never anything more than a friendship, but we got to know each other really quite well, we new each other online for about three years. Then I moved back to my home town, and funnily enough it is just a town away from where he lived, so we decided to meet up and go for a drink. We had a lovely time and the relationship went from there. We have now been a couple for 3 years.

My point of this obviously, is that love can strike in the most unexpected of places, so don't rule anything out. Not all men are in it for a quick lay, but you do need to stick to your guns, and don't do anything that you don't feel comfortable with.

I'm 35 & single; i want to have children; & ideally marry one day; but i have had serious health problems over last 4 years so no boyfriends then.
Before that i mainly had lots of short relationships & lots of dates; only been in love once but that didn't work out...
I never tried internet dating, but met men through friends, at bars & clubs, & at work.

10 years ago i only attracted men who just wanted sex or arm candy, or both. I was extremely shy with no self-confidence for various reasons.

I was thin & blonde, pretty but couldn't see it; i was scared to disagree with men or express opinions.
Basically i was extremely vulnerable to men who were predatory.
The type of men who just want sex & a woman on their arm have always existed & always will.

Now at 35 i'm a lot more confident & comfortable with my own body & personality now; i'm not scared of just being myself.

I'm 2 stone overweight with darker hair but that's ok.
I know i'm lucky just to have a fairly healthy body & normal face; & i have good close friends, lovely family, & colleagues who care about me.
Being able to appreciate what i have instead of indulging in constant self-criticism has made me a happier person.

I'm not actively searching for a boyfriend as i'm not fully recovered.
I do have quite a few new male acquaintances & male friends from work, from my estate, from regularly going to the same pub & cafes, the gym & even from Facebook.
The nice thing is that these are men who have bothered to take time to get to know me & don't care that i'm not thin.

Working as a nurse since my late 20s has really helped - before nursing i didn't really understand men & didn't know how to communicate with them properly. Now i've cared for men of all ages & worked with male staff from many countries.
I also find it useful to 'people watch' when i'm out & observe male behaviour (David Attenborough style :) ); & i chat to male friends on the internet (nothing sexual though - just about everyday life).
The other thing that helped boost my confidence in men as people was when i lost much of my hair from illness 18 months ago. To my surprise i didn't get ignored or stared at by men - the men i'd made friends with were just as pleasant as before. I even got asked out on dates still, but felt too ill for that.

I've learnt lots of positive things about men & when i'm ready i feel confident that i will meet a decent boyfriend.

You will too OP - just try to relax & make male friends first.

What exactly is wrong with sex on first date?

You don't have to do anything you don't want to. It's best to meet someone during the day for a short date the first time to see if there is a spark and worth a second date.

I think men respond better to internet messages if you don't show too much interest. They love the chase so avoid responding to messages with an autobiography, keep it short and sweet.

I think there is quite a lot wrong with sex on the first meeting if you've met via the internet and there arn't many women who are up for it ime.

Nothing wrong with sex on a first date - better when both partners are honest about their reasons though.
For example one partner may just want sex for that night, or view the other partner as a future f* buddy & nothing more serious.
The other partner may be looking for a proper boyfriend / girlfriend relationship & think that the sex is part of that.

Best to know why the other person is wanting first date sex - if it's for the same reasons as you, or for different reasons but you both know that - then no problem.
I have friends who have husbands or boyfriends who they slept with more or less straight away - others waited longer; but both partners were honest about their motives.

I don't have anything against first night sex, and have had quite a few one night stands, I just don't feel able to do it any more.
I think I just feel a bit more fragile emotionally than I used to, and now want sex just as much, but with some one who really likes me, and who I really like, that's all.

Also sex should be something you feel comfortable & happy about, ideally with a person that you are attracted to; with both of you honest about your reasons (as i said before).
If you feel pressured into sex when you aren't ready, or not at all confident in yourself; or if your partner doesn't make you feel attractive or desired then it's not pleasant - after just 1 date or 20.

If the other person wants sex on a first date, then there may be a posibility that all they want is a sexual 'fun' 'relationship'. That is fine if both parties are honest.

I was widowed in my thirties and for years didn't want a relationship, i wanted someone to have fun with. I didn't dress up being on a date to find that, it is easy for women to 'pull' and there were enough single fit men in my drinking circle. A lot of people in their 30's and 40's are still in 'recovery' after a relationship ending and don't want another one, yet.

When i met my DP i didn't have sex with him, because before i met him i made the decision that i wanted a relationship again and rushing in wasn't the right way to do that.

I would find a different dating site.

It's difficult to be honest about your intentions like it is some business deal where sex and attraction is concerned. So trust your judgment and decide what you want. You are in the driving seat.

I met my fiancé on POF.

Don't consider either of us to be the "dregs of society"

You have to take any online dating with a massive pinch of salt and with a massive amount of suspicion and not very seriously until it's clear it's serious IYSWIM :)

Thank you all for your responses, I am looking at other sites such as eHarmony and Match.com which seem to be good.
No there is nothing wrong with sex on a first date if you are both up for it and happy about that. It just isn't for me though so I don't.

Will look at the Guardian site too.

My friend met her man on POF and he is lovely - not at all a "dreg of society" but I can understand that a free site will attract those less likely to be serious about a relationship.

I think POF is OK, actually, if you know how to work it. Yes, it has the dregs on there - but it does also have a few genuine ones. The question is finding them.

I'm on there, and on Saturday I set my profile to Intimate Encounter, sat back and watched the MASSIVE number of messages I got (over 500 in about 8 hours). This isn't because I'm a total babe, btw - it just always, always happens when a female puts IE.

So, I then patiently went through all the messages - 95% of which were completely ridiculous in a variety of ways (got about 30 cock pics, ffs) and were instantly deleted. That left about 20 from seemingly nice guys that I dropped a line to. About 15 of them started in with the "What's your favourite position?" crap so they got deleted. And I have been left with four very good looking, literate, seemingly respectful guys to chat with and maybe arrange to meet.

Not bad for a days work. Haven't many any yet, and they may be awful, but it's a start.

You probably haven't got the time, inclination or stomach to do this but it has worked for some people. Maybe me - I'll let you know.

But remember, YOU are in control at every stage. YOU are interviewing them for the pleasure of getting to know you better, and you are most certainly not required to do anything you don't want to do.

Good luck :)6