to feel a little resentful I wasn't "allowed" to enjoy my pregnancy

[namechangeosaurus]

I'm pretty sure I am being unreasonable here, hence the name change. Thing is how to put an unresentful face on things and get on with it.

Basically when I fell pregnant (unplanned) it transpired both my best friends (unconnected to one another - from different parts of my life, uni and ex-colleague) were trying to conceive and so my news was received pretty coldly. I did come to understand why (I hadn't been privy to the fact they were TTC - as people don't because they didn't need the added pressure, no problem with that obviously, their business) but once I realised I did my best to not to speak about it really - and they both stopped phoning me so I started to feel that phoning them (even to chat about other things, catch up with them) was not even invited. I saw one of them twice during the entire 9 months and the other not at all. To be fair to the one I didn't see at all, she had a nightmare time with a miscarriage during the later stages of my pregnancy (I had of course been very pleased when she phoned to announce at 6 weeks and understood when contact completely dwindled away and why) and while we kind of kept in touch I was very aware not to bang on about pregnant - she did ask minimal details (as in how are you?) but I know she couldn't bear to hear much so I respected that and kept schtum and if we ever talked the conversation tended to be about her work etc. The other friend had recently married and was convinced there was something wrong with her after 3 months of ttc and had worked herself into a frenzy. Both have now conceived naturally within weeks of one another and suddenly, now my DD is almost a year, I am being expected to chat relentlessly about all things pregnancy related. Only one of them has even ever seen my DD.

I was really fucking lonely during my pregnancy (and subsequent break up of my relationship not so long after DD was born) and I am finding it really really hard to summon the enthusiasm they both so obviously want, or to have the conversations with them that I so badly wanted to have with them when I was pregnant (one is on the phone every 5 seconds with OMG I ate some sushi is that awful? OMG I am going to have a glass of wine for DH's birthday is that really bad?) I do appreciate why they had to back off during that time - and tbh I had thought I had moved on from that - because I appreciated I had my lovely DD and they were still anxious about their future (and for one, grieving her loss) and yet now they've made their announcements and there's been a few calls I am finding myself feeling really angry neither of them could be there for me.

I know I need to stamp on these feelings if I am going to continue with these friendships but am increasingly concerned I am going to end up saying something catty which gives away how abandoned I felt. So kick me now people.

I don't blame you for feeling like tgat. For different reasons I did not enjoy being pg with ds and I feel I really missed out. Sorry no advice but I hear ya.

I hear you too! Sorry to say it but they don't sound like great friends to me.

I'm not surprised you feel upset - I think I would be a little resentful too.

However you say that you want to carry on being friends with them. Maybe you can slip in a remark here and there about how 'it's really good to be able to talk about this stuff, I felt so lonely when I was pregnant' and then move straight on to the next topic before they feel obliged to respond. That's a somewhat passive-aggressive but less confrontational way of letting them know how you felt but also emphasising that you don't want to talk it over. I think if I were them, I'd take the message on board.

This way you might feel a bit better because they'll be aware of how you felt but also will be able to tell (from your current interest in their conversations) that you are not bearing a grudge. Well not an open one anyway

Good luck with it!

have you concidered talking it over with them, if they a good friends this would help

Well I have to say that TTC for 3 months leading to one of them not speaking to you is bloody horrible. the other friend didnt have the m/c until late in your pg, her behaviour after that is understandable but before that isnt so much.

And to not say "Sorry, I realise now that I was very self absorbed" is not on.

I would understand it far more from a person who had serious fertility issues, but not from people who just didnt fall pg the first month of trying. And to be banging on about their own impending DC when they have barely even registered yours is really taking the piss.

I would probably email or write to them both seperately and explain how it has made you feel.

I can totally understand why you are so annoyed, I would be too. I don't think YABU at all.
It will be difficult to bite your tongue, I would avoid any phone calls just as they did to you.

Ken I don't actually think they are bad friends I just think that time for them was the worst time for me to be pregnant and I accepted that then. It's now I am suddenly angry about it. And I do want to keep their friendships - we have been through a lot of other shit together - I don't want this to break us up. I tend to think sometimes you get out of synch with friends (life stages) and eventually you resynchronise and so there will be a future when our DCs play together etc. I just need to get past it. But the more conversations I have with them, the more I am struggling not to say something like, "oh no actually I don't want to traipse round the fricking baby shops with you, when I had no one to go with" which is childish I know. I can make excuses for a bit but not for 7 or so months. I guess this is how they felt about me except I didn't push it because they had good reason. I don't.

YANBU - no kicking needed - you were extremely understanding and they were too caught up in their own world(s) to reciprocate.

Are they good enough friends for a 'clear the air' talk? If yes then ask them for twenty minutes for you to elucidate how you felt during your pregnancy. Hopefully it will allow you to get rid of the upset of feeling so alone, and be able to move on to a new 'you all have DC's' phase instead.

If not then, yes, you may need to re-consider allowing contact to drift again.

Do you go o any new mum groups? By going to them, you will meet lots of people with children your age and similar experiences, and ake new friends Maybe then you can then speak to your old friends and give them the guidance they are asking of you.

You obviously went through a tough time being pregnant and in early days of a baby. Just a thought, are yousuffering from post depression?

Oops x-posted.

I think you do need to say something to 're-synchronise' though.

I would do that Herrena except I think I would burst into tears and wouldn't manage the off the cuff manner it needs. I have bitten my tongue a few times so I just need a plan to handle myself. Maybe I do need to say something but I can't envisage it going down too well especially not during this now joyous time for them.

I think YANBU but have never had the nightmare of not being able to conceive. I would possibly just say to them how you feel calmly, before your anger builds to a point where you snap.

Looking at it in the worst way, your friends were selfish and you are now being selfish in return, because all of you have let your own resentment get in the way of each other's happiness.

I feel that if they just acknowledge that you've been hurt too it might help you all get over things and move on.

If they really are good friends to you, you should be able to talk to them about this and they should apologise. The way they behaved was horrible and you have every right to be upset. I had some trouble conceiving my DS and had a miscarriage but I made a huge effort to be supportive to the friend of mine who became pregnant during that time. I know it's hard to see others getting pregnant when it's not happening for you but that doesn't excuse childish behaviour.

Could you talk to them about it?

YANBU

I can totally understand why you feel hurt, as others have said maybe it would help to mention it to them to clear the air?

I agree with maudpringle.

Moonlight - mahoosive x-post!

I had a friend like that she told me she was devastated when I told her I was pg as she had recently split up from her fiancee and said that it just reminded her of the faCt that she wasn't pregnant like she wanted to be. Have to say we haven't spoken since, still friends on Facebook and she's never as much as acknowledged a comment about my DS or a photo of him.

I cant say I regret no longer being friends with her unfortunately After her attitude at the time maybe that makes me not a very good person. I hope you can keep your friendships if thats what you feel you want.

They do sound very selfish you know.

They dont actually seem to think about you at all :(

I was pretty horrible to my sister through both her pregnancies. I had been TTC for ages and she got pregnant easily.

I am now 15 weeks pregnant and we have had those very honest conversations like 'i wish you could have been there for me' and it has made our relationship better even though it has been very hard.

poor you that you didn't get to enjoy your pregnancy.

Your friends sound quite selfish and I would speak to them.

oh dear :(

Mind you, bursting into tears might make them realise just how much it upset you. If they're really your friends then they will feel some retrospective guilt, surely....

I agree with the recommendation that you ask for 20min of their time in which to vent and then state that you'd prefer not to discuss it again, that you are happy for them but that you needed to get the past off your chest. If you value them as friends then I think you need to do something other than just soldier on, because IME that only leads to resentment and eventual drift anyway.

I'd be annoyed too. You'd think now that they're pregnant they'd see how much effort you had to put into not shouting about your pregnancy from the rooftops for their sakes. I understand they've had difficult times or whatever but not to see your DD!? What sort of friends are those?

I think I almost made it too easy for them if that makes sense? They never really asked and I managed to appear cheerful and talk to them about other stuff for the time that we were still in regular contact because I so didn't want to make them feel bad.

Really don't think its PND because it's only this ishoo (DD is fabulous even though I do say so myself and tbh split with xP has not been so traumatic and I actually think it made it easier not having him to look after in the earlyish days as well - just me and DD so I could sleep when/where I wanted and so could she!)

Oh and circumstances do not automatically mean (or excuse) selfishness.

My aunt and uncle dont have children due to infertility. They were going through IVF when I had my son, unplanned, at 17. They could have been bitter and ignored it, but my aunt sent the most gorgeous gifts and a beautifully worded letter of congratulations. Her heart must have been breaking as she wrote it, but she still wrote it. 21 years later, they have been the same with every one of their great nieces and nephews born.

My ex best friend was very off with me when I got pg after she had a m/c. We had a heart to heart when I was about 12 weeks, at her instigation, and we were fine. As it happened, she was pg with her DD at the time but didnt know. She said later that she was glad we had sorted it out when we did as she didnt want me to think that she only came back to me because she was pg.

I think you do need to tell them how you feel, especially because you are expected to have pregnancy chats now. It might not go down well, but them going on about it and you feeling like this isn't going down well either. Your feelings won't just go away so you need to confront them.