to feel a little resentful I wasn't "allowed" to enjoy my pregnancy

[namechangeosaurus]

I'm pretty sure I am being unreasonable here, hence the name change. Thing is how to put an unresentful face on things and get on with it.

Basically when I fell pregnant (unplanned) it transpired both my best friends (unconnected to one another - from different parts of my life, uni and ex-colleague) were trying to conceive and so my news was received pretty coldly. I did come to understand why (I hadn't been privy to the fact they were TTC - as people don't because they didn't need the added pressure, no problem with that obviously, their business) but once I realised I did my best to not to speak about it really - and they both stopped phoning me so I started to feel that phoning them (even to chat about other things, catch up with them) was not even invited. I saw one of them twice during the entire 9 months and the other not at all. To be fair to the one I didn't see at all, she had a nightmare time with a miscarriage during the later stages of my pregnancy (I had of course been very pleased when she phoned to announce at 6 weeks and understood when contact completely dwindled away and why) and while we kind of kept in touch I was very aware not to bang on about pregnant - she did ask minimal details (as in how are you?) but I know she couldn't bear to hear much so I respected that and kept schtum and if we ever talked the conversation tended to be about her work etc. The other friend had recently married and was convinced there was something wrong with her after 3 months of ttc and had worked herself into a frenzy. Both have now conceived naturally within weeks of one another and suddenly, now my DD is almost a year, I am being expected to chat relentlessly about all things pregnancy related. Only one of them has even ever seen my DD.

I was really fucking lonely during my pregnancy (and subsequent break up of my relationship not so long after DD was born) and I am finding it really really hard to summon the enthusiasm they both so obviously want, or to have the conversations with them that I so badly wanted to have with them when I was pregnant (one is on the phone every 5 seconds with OMG I ate some sushi is that awful? OMG I am going to have a glass of wine for DH's birthday is that really bad?) I do appreciate why they had to back off during that time - and tbh I had thought I had moved on from that - because I appreciated I had my lovely DD and they were still anxious about their future (and for one, grieving her loss) and yet now they've made their announcements and there's been a few calls I am finding myself feeling really angry neither of them could be there for me.

I know I need to stamp on these feelings if I am going to continue with these friendships but am increasingly concerned I am going to end up saying something catty which gives away how abandoned I felt. So kick me now people.

Did they know you wanted their support and company while you were pregnant? Did they know you were lonely?

It is easy for someone who is unsuccessfully TTCing to imagine that their pregnant friends must all be blissfully happy and in need of nothing from them.

I am not saying for a second that they're not at fault for ignoring you ; their behaviour has been crap. I'm just saying, they probably had no idea that you might have been unhappy.

Talk to them, tell them. They will probably feel terrible for having abandoned you.

Ffs she tried for 3 months and decided she was infertile! Your other friend had her reasons but that one sounds very nasty, she dropped you for literally reason and didn't support you at all, that's not a friend. Drop her now, she can work what foods to eat herself.
We all want something someone else might have, thats no excuse to be a bitch.

They sound like a pair of self centred twats!

YANBU .

So did you only have two friends that could have potentially supported you during your pregnancy?

TBH I would have let those two friendships slide and relied on my other friends rather than get upset about these two.

Yanbu to feel as you do. A friend of mine had strong emotions towards one of her other friends recently which was upsetting her. It was on a different subject and she wrote her a letter? It helped her explain her feelings without an emotional outburst face to face. It helped.

Drop them gently and focus on your new friends.

If they could not find even a shred of generosity in thmeselves to be pleased for you, they are not real friends

YANBU. When my partner left (basically when he knew he'd be a Dad) the only thing that got me through was everyone else being so on side.

You need lot's of people telling you how special you and your child are because it's the truth. The fact that they wanted children should highlight this.

I think with children it's easier with friends who "share" an experience. I'd find some other women who have been left to be honest. Your friend will probably do better with other people who have had a miscarriage and perhaps might be more protective of the new baby. Children are a real source of competition and pressure and the more people that get "you" and your circumstances the easier it'll be.

Namechange, So sorry you've had to deal with friends like that. I had a similar situation when I conceived my DD. My dads GF went nuts cos her daughter (i'll call her GFD) had just found out after years of probs that she would have to have an ovary removed and she had bleeding blood vessel on the outside of the womb. GF told my dad I was an inconsiderate bitch cos DD is number 4 after having 3 boys and said he had to choose her and GFD over his own D n 4 grandkids. Dad told her stuff it that he would alway choose his own family 1st. they are still together cos GFD told her mum she was being stupid and how happy she is for me n DH1 getting the DD we deserved. She is now due for IVF and regularly asked about us and all the kids.
Personally I would not have much contact with such obviously selfish ladies. Tell them you are too busy looking after your amazing one year old to deal with their petty problems and direct them to babycentre so they don't bug you on here :)

I'm sure they must have felt much worse then you whilst miscarrying or feeling like they were struggling with infertility. I'm not discounting your feelings and of course it was hard for you too but loneliness whilst pregnant does not compare to the sheer heart wrenching loss of losing a baby or the all consuming loss of infertility.

I would suggest though that next time you have a chat, you say that you are so glad they are pregnant and that you really enjoy the pregnancy chats. You could also say that you felt lonely whilst you were pregnant as you didn't have anyone to talk to like this.

I did have years of fertility issues by the way but was always pleased for my pregnant friends. I just felt annoyed with myself though and sad for myself.

No I have a few more friends than two (just about!) but a fair few are men or single women - Who were actually very supportive, but these were my two closest friends. I've still got quite a wide single childless group of friends who are actually very doting on DD (she is a novelty to them) and very careful to work around when I have the occasional DD-free night to ensure I am included socially or will come round and do something at home/during the day with me if I need to stay in or even come and hang out at the playground with me. Am actually astonished that these friends are the ones who have turned out to be the ones who have taken it all in their stride because I suppose I wouldn't say I had been that emotionally close to them previously (more good time friends iykwim for clubbing or pubs).

So I am very grateful for these friends and am a lot closer to them as a consequence. One of that group did go funny with me at the very beginning and confided that at 40 and single she felt she had to accept she'd never have DCs but she really must have bust a gut to turn it around and turns out she's actually a big kid herself and spends a lot of time being godlessmother as she has christened herself, throwing DD about and spending a horrific amount on frilly things. I love her and am close to her but it doesn't stop me pining after these friends I suppose.

Holy 3 months of ttc is not "Struggling with infertility" and the m/c didnt happen until late in the OPs pg.

I sympathise with how you're feeling. However I think TTC can be a very depressing self-absorbing situation, and it's likely that your friends assumed that since you'd achieved the dream of pregnancy that they craved, then you would be in a bubble of bliss, and wouldn't mind their absence. And they wanted to protect themselves from the pain of being reminded of what they didn't have. It's selfish and short-sighted of them of course.

I'm rubbish at confrontation and "talking things out", so I wouldn't be able to do that. I'd probably just try to redress the balance in my mind by talking about DD a lot, making them look at toddler clothes and toys when you're out shopping with them, reminding them that your stage in life is just as important and exciting as theirs. And each time they tell you about some pregnancy symptom etc, say "oh yes I remember that", to remind them that you've been there too. You never know, they might realise what they did wrong all by themselves.

But she had been ttc for three months. That's not the pain of infertility thats being really dramatic.

YANBU to be angry and upset and if you value the friendship you probably do need to talk about it or you will find yourself withdrawing.

I'm pregnant at the minute and one of my absolute best friends is having a horrible time ttc, starting down the test and IVF route after over a year trying. She has been absolutely amazing. I was dreading even telling her I was pregnant and she has behaved with nothing but grace, dignity and affection. I'm in awe of her tbh. She always asks about how I am, the whole process etc and we have good chats about how she and DH are going to go forward.

That's what real friendship is - being together for the ups and downs.

It's very sad that two so-called best friends did not support you either during your pg or the breakdown of your relationship and neither have the self-awareness to recognise that they did let you down and to apologise. Your upset with them is justified; they are expecting of you what they were not prepared to give themselves.

I can understand your reluctance to raise it with them, to fear sullying what you know is a special time, and to potentially put a permanent breach in friendships - but haven't they done that already with their selfishness? In raising it, you don't need to be accusatory, more sad and hurt, but it sounds necessary to put it behind you. If you don't, and just bite your tongue, it will fester inside you and spoil your friendships anyway as it's them doing all the taking and you doing all the giving.

Sorry but these two are not real friends!!! A true friend would have put their own disappointment aside & celebrated your pregnancy no matter how long they had been ttc.

I personally would give them a piece of my mind & then bin them but you clearly still want to be friends, so you absolutely need to clear the air with them, don't leave your resentment simmering below the surface-have it out then move on.

Poor you. I had several friendships which became very delicate during my pregnancy for similar reasons; friends with MCs, TTC for ages as well as just starting TTC, IVF nightmare, v v prem baby in NICU etc. I knew the crazy agony of longing for a baby inside out (crying my eyes out before driving off to a baby shower for example -not my finest hour) and so, whereas I didn't quite feel like I had to apologise for being pg and subsequently having a healthy DD at full term, I just took my cues from my suddenly absent / silent friends (gorgeous, lovely women who wouldn't have cold-shouldered me were it not fore the varying degrees of heartache they were going through) and "iced" our friendships temporarily, hoping that circumstances would eventually allow us to resume in some fashion. I think you have put your finger on it describing how you can fall out of synch with friends, and it seems you hit such a spot during your pregnancy, when you tactfully and considerately accommodated your friends' circumstances. Would I say something in your position? I'd be really careful if there was even a little corner in me which somehow wanted the friends to smart a bit and feel guilty. I'd have to make sure I was 'clean' and genuine and say something like (extrapolating and paraphrasing wildly from your post, apologies if I'm projecting) "I'm so glad things have worked out so well for you and that you're are pregnant -wow! Just imagine; our kids will be playing together before too long -wey hey! I'm really looking forward to being on this journey with you. I felt a bit lonely when I was pregnant; I know it was such a hard time for you and I was so worried about rubbing your nose in it, but I really missed sharing that time with you." You can perhaps enjoy reminiscing about your pregnancy and sharing your wisdom with your friends; not quite the same, but I did actually quite enjoy that bit in some of the above friendships once we returned to an even keel. I do hope you find your way through with your heart, integrity and friendships intact.

I agree that 3 months TTC is nothing, not even an average amount of time! And your other friend had a m/c which is horrible, but wasn't there for you in the early stages of your pg - where was she up till then?

Maybe they did think you were so happy that you didn;t want/need them around, maybe they didn't realise how you were feeling, maybe they didn't care. But until you talk to them you won't know.
If it were me I'd be relegating them to "freindly acquaintance" unless I could speak to them about it.

Agree totally with Report and Barred above. YANBU and I think you do need to say something so you are able to lay the wole thing to rest, however it then turns out. It may be that you lose their friendship (IME self-centred people like this become hugely touchy when called on it) but I'm not sure you will be suffering a big loss, after the disappointment they have already been to you. Glad you have better people around you now. I would stop answering the phone to them, so they can't drop the daft minor pregnancy stuff on you, and prepare a script for when you speak to them. There is a book called Difficult Conversations by Anne Dickson (who's written lots on assertiveness) that I would really recommend - lots of models for doing stuff like this.

I really want to BE that person you describe peaceful, really want to be but am sure that corner is there, seething away which is why I can't voice anything as yet because I can't control how it comes out and I must. I don't think I knew who resentful I was until their news. I just need to work out how to say it (like you said, without being vicious) because I'm now winding myself up about how I will feel when they are on their second DCs (I know I know - talk about worry about problems you don't even have yet) and I won't be having anymore because I'm not with someone. Eighties - will have a look at that book (could be useful for work at the moment too!) so thanks for recommendation. I just feel like am not going to be able to say it while they are pregnant, or during their first year I guess because this is their time. All the while I will be simmering away. Maybe I do need to distance myself a bit at least for a while.

Also I suppose there's also a side to this that makes me think that if they don't realise any of this for themselves and I have to tell them, well it's not worth me doing that because even if they are nice and understanding it won't come from them, it will be as a result of me whinging. So they can't really win can they? Oh FFS.

Did I read it right that one of them has never met your DD? Even though she is now pregnant? Strikes me she wasn't avoiding your pregnancy/DD due to personal grief..

I was TTC for 2 years, and still managed to be there for my friends who were pregnant! I was interested as they were my friends, and I cherished them. Unfortunately one of them who knew about the problems we'd had conceiving later miscarried, when I found out I was pregnant she then refused to even talk to me about it. Seems some friendships just aren't equal.

But you felt that you couldnt say anything when you were pg because of how they felt.

When is it your time?