snippy bossy sil and unsupportive DH

[Shelly32]

DH sis has always been highly strung and hard to get on with. She has strong opinions (so do I) and I'd like to get on with her but find that we rub each other up the wrong way on almost every occasion. I have twins. Just afterthey were born, she confronted me and said that she felt 'I thought she had it easy' She has three boys (her choice ) and is a SAHM. I never thought that and never voiced that. I felt she was trying to put me in my place for some reason.. God knows why. We've clashed on a few occasions but I'm getting fed up with teh way my DH tries to say 'It's just women' He has always put up with her over bearing ways and I try and bite my tongue when she's bossy and snippy with him but can't seem to do it when she's like it with me.
Her dog crapped in someone else's graden the other day and I tried to keep my girls away from it. She did pick teh offending item up bt I still didn't want them playing near the area. She took real offense and snapped 'I've thrown it waay'. I snapped back but then she had the nerve to ask me why I snapped at her.. It sounds petty, I know but she's so odd and weird to be around. It's causing friction with me and DH, who takes her side. Maybe it's me..I don't know AIBU?

Is she older than him?

He is probably used to her being the boss, and doesnt see the problem.

YANBU.

It can be hard when personalities clash and I don't think you are BU to just not get on with her/find her bossy ect. but if she is your SIL and you see her often then it is probably better to try resolve it, espec if it is causing friction - i can see your DH's side as it does sound as it has got petty (not letting them play once the dog poo has been picked up? I sort of understand where you are coming from, ish, but I can also see why SIL would have been offended. I think i would have been.)

Can you sit down with her with or without your DH and talk it all out? Just say you know you have your differences but you would like to get on etc. then try your hardest.

You can just leave it as it is but life is too short for petty fights over dog crap & it sounds as if it is caused by wrong assumptions on both sides. Alternatively can you just see her less?

I hope you can work it out, I don't think you are BU in wanting some support from your DH & it must be difficult to not have it.

Thank you. Yes, she is older than him. She's not used to being answered back and even rules over her mother, who is also a force to be reckoned with. Not nice to say it but imo she's a bit spoilt and used to getting her own way and def doesn't like being pulled up on anything. It just hurts that DH kind of takes her side.

I tried that with my SIL twitch things were bad so I emailed her that i hoped we could put our differences aside and be friends for H's sake. She replied that she didnt want to be friends with me, had only put up with me because she had to and because of the "offensive" (eh?) email, she wouldnt rest until he divorced me and I was out of her family with none of his money.

a) he hasnt got any money
b) he hasnt seen or spoken to her since, so epic fail!

A self appointed Alpha then?

My SIL is exactly the same, with added fun of being a fucking bitch! It wasnt until H saw with his own eyes just how vile she saw (the email I mentioned above) that he stopped with the old "its just how she is" bullshit.

We prob see each other once a month, if that. Life is too short for bickering, you're right. I don't want to but also find it hard not to snap back when snapped at.
I'd love to get on with her as she has three lovely boys who my girls adore. I think sitting down would just highlight the issues and possibly make them worse. I don't know..
BTW I didn't stop my girls playing, I just told them to avoid the dog poo spot..surely that's fair enough?

how vile she WAS

bogeyface Yup a self appointed alpha..but she's finally got someone in her sphere who isn't going to stand for the crap. Wow your sil sounds like a piece of work! Maybe I should count my blessings!

Mine doesnt like me for the same reason! She isnt used to people saying no!

We had a party that was for my birthday and was adults only. Not for any other reason than mine were away with their dad and the other guests were mostly child free, so it wouldnt be suitable for kids. She rang and said that as she couldnt get a babysitter she would be bringing her DD. Not "Is it ok?" but "she is coming". I said that I didnt think it would be appropriate as she would have been the only child there and at 3 years old I thought it might be a bit much for her. I didnt actually say no.

OMG, she went CRACKERS! She rang H and was literally SCREAMING down the phone at him about how dare I tell her that she couldnt bring H's own niece into HIS (not our) home! He agreed with me, and thats when it all started really. She said that I had changed him and he said no, I hadnt changed him, I had just made him realise that he didnt have to do things he didnt want to just because she said so. He has been an unmitigated prick in other ways (cheated on me) but I loved him for that!

Yikes!! Psycho!!
At least your DH agreed with you! My H likes to ignore any caustic comments she makes but will pick me up on mine!! I do think you're right and that it's years of conditioning..Still hurts and really riles me. I know I can't make him what I want him to be but I always hopde he'd have my back on all occasions, even when I'm wrong. Unrealistic, I know..

I just turned a shade of grey! MN just flashed up a note to ask me if I wanted to post this to my FB pgae... Can u imagine??!! I'm just going to check it's not been posted.

:o post it! Job done!

Its not unrealistic at all. Its a given!

I found that emailing my H works. I get to say my piece without interruption and he gets to think about what I have said before responding. Perhaps you could try that with examples of times where he has displayed these double standards and maybe add in "how would you feel if my brother/mother/milkman spoke to you like that and I took their side?".

oh heck.

sympathies.

I have a feeling that life has revolved around sils plans for a long while(after several incidents0 and the inlaws were not used to anyone saying no thata is not possible to her.

YANBU.

Mine is the same. Rules the roost, spoilt, PILs jump to her every command.

Luckily DH saw through her because of the way she treated me when we got together.

You're a threat to her.

Do what I do: avoid, avoid, avoid. See her as little as possible, or find some excuse to send DH alone or with your girls. It's not worth it.

YANBU

Mine's the same, acts like a spoilt teenager, makes it obvious she dislikes our DC, shocking bad manners. DH and I had many an argument until it suddenly became clear to him how awful she was when she stayed with us for two weeks and, God, was she awful!

We see her about twice a year. This is just about manageable- however I draw the line at Christmas.

Sympathies

My SIL has taken to low games since we got full custody of DSD in Jan as her daughter was the "only " granddaughter

I have recently been accused of stopping him visiting only she is dumb and said that to him! Noting that she visits every1 else but even when she is in our town she never even txts

YASOOONBU.

I think you need to have a serious discussion with your DH about respect. She doesn't have to like you, but she has to respect you, and your DH needs to stand up for you.

We're not designed to get along with all of the people all of the time and, just as long as you know you rub each other up the wrong way and it ain't 'personal' - i.e grudges aren't held/vendettas created - I don't see any harm in being on snapping terms with someone you can't easily cut out of your life because of circumstances beyond your control.

If 2 gorgeous dds adore her 3 lovely dss', the pair of you must doing something right and their relationship has gotta be worth a lttle tongue lashing biting now and again.

God I could have written this a couple of years ago. You are not alone.

I had a very difficult SIL, I say had as we get on a lot better now. Similar situation, very bossy and opinionated and would always come out with some snappy comment, I felt designed to put me down. It got to such an extent over my wedding that I was seriously looking at getting married abroad as far away as possible so that no one would come.

The stinger was though that I felt my husband didn't support me, he didn't and copped out saying he hadn't realised it was as bad as it was. I still don't believe that, basically because he is very sensitive and smart about people and aware of what is going on (he 'knows' her and knew what she was like). I think he had a role in the family that was to smooth things over and being diplomatic and didn't want to / know how to stop this role. I think if he'd backed me up a couple of times, it wouldn't have been as bad as it was.

Sorry, long backstory, buts its cathartic for me. Anyway what worked for me was seeing her as little as possible, DH apologising for his behviour and having a more united front. I also snapped back at the sharp one liners, because I felt better about and it did make her step back. Our DS's get on really well so that helped to heal it also, she wanted her DS to be happy so made more of an effort. Its not perfect now but its a lot nicer and family get togethers are a lot better, we have even been on holiday with them. PIL were aware of what was happening, I'm sure, but kept out of it .

Anyway, DH needs to get some backbone, and he must back you up. See less of her at the moment but don't say something that you will regret later as it may improve and your children do like eachother. Good luck.

Thank you for all the sympathy (much needed!) and great advice. izzyizin what a lovely thing to say about the kids
tryinnottofeckup I'm in the spoilt SIL club! Yay!! Snapping back makes me feel better but then she acts like I'm being unreasonable and that she NEVER snapped/made a snidey comment first! Seeing less of her until I've composed myself and come up with a plan of action sounds like a good idea! Thanks all!!

The "It's just women" comment would concern me more than anything else, tbh. Does he think we aare some kind of separate species?

I think I'd respond to that with "No, she's just a bitch". But that's just me....

eurochick I think he's been brought up with very opinionated women. MIL is lovely but also rather spoilt and bosses poor old FIL around fairish! If I was brought up in that household, I think I'D think women were a separate sub-species lol!! I like your response! I too am quite opinionated but try not to be a bitch with it. I think it's the competitiveness over parenting and snippiness that just gets me boiling as it's so unnecessary!

Good luck. Mine still announces what the family are going to be doing. Last one was for MIL's birthday when we were told we were all going to SIL's house for a meal at their local pub and cake at the their house. Note the 'told'. And no, she doesn't live round the corner from MIL, it's a fair drive for everyone, and MIL would have prefered to have everyone at her own house and cook or go to a proper restaurant. She wasn't given the option though grin.

YANBU and you have my sympathies, OP.

My SIL and I don't get on at all. She is used to getting her own way and PILs tend to give in because they are a bit scared of her.