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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I can't get out of this, can I?

48 replies

horriblefilagain · 24/06/2012 20:01

We go to the same place on holiday every year (in UK). The first few years, I got roped in to our PILs coming along for a few days, basically I invited them out of politeness after they dropped heavy hints.

They are difficult people. FIL mainly. He drinks, smokes, is irresponsible with our youngest two (holds them unsafely, shoulder carried dd at 13 months with hands in his pockets, has fags then immediately grabs youngest dd who is weeks old and holds her when he's absolutely stinking). He is bad tempered and unpleasant to my DS of 12 who is not my DH's biological child but shows huge favouritism to my DSD,DS has even been asked to to get out of photos so he can take pics of his 'real' grandchildren, and many other things like this. When he is drunk he grabs the youngest two and staggers around with them and has refused to hand them over to DS when they have been crying for them,as they obviously love their big brother v much.

Anyway last year I'd had enough last year and asked DH to tell them that this year we just wanted a quiet holiday without them. I hoped they'd get the message.

Not so. Today they informed us that they are going on a driving tour of the area we holiday in and are going to pop in whilst we are there (they have ascertained dates with dh and kids, we can't really ask the kids to lie about when we're there) and will 'pop in' to say hello for a day or so. The place where we go is very remote and inaccessible in bad weather. I could just about tolerate them for 1 day if I knew for sure they would go away again, although it bugs me a lot that they don't understand this is our family holiday and not a public event they can just drop in on uninvited. I've had PND and was really looking forward to a quiet time and am now dreading it. But if the weather is bad they could get stranded and we could get stuck with them for literally days.

Please if anyone can think of any decent excuses that will not case offence I would appreciate it, feel so down and anxious now. The holiday is in a few weeks.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 24/06/2012 20:03

Surely its up to your DH to have a firm word with his parents, sounds as though he might actually like having them there ........................

sallymonella · 24/06/2012 20:04

That souns awful, and my only idea, so far, is to ring them when you're there and say you've all come down with diarrhea and vomiting....

horriblefilagain · 24/06/2012 20:04

He finds them stressful and would rather they didn't come as he knows how difficult I find them, but obviously neither of us want to cause a huge rift by out and out saying we don't want them there.

OP posts:
JumpingThroughHoops · 24/06/2012 20:06

I usually err on the side of GPs who are proactive and want to be involved. I do however understand completely the need for nuclear family time also. Plus the fact that you need to completely unwind and chill out.

I think you need your DH to perhaps moot the idea that this a 'close' family break; that you have your days organised and are looking forward to the relaxing time of being a unit and not having to be hospitable to anyone else.

susiedaisy · 24/06/2012 20:07

Agree with rag IMO you don't need 'excuses' your Dh just needs to explain that you want a holiday on your own this year, you're not asking for the moon,

outmonday · 24/06/2012 20:26

You CAN get out of it, invent any excuse and don't let these vile people spoil the holiday you need. Wait until the last minute so they have no chance to get round your requirement for them to stay away.

Chrysanthemum5 · 24/06/2012 20:36

The photo issue would have finished it for me, however if your DH doesn't want to upset them then I would just say the place where you are staying is refusing to allow extra guests.

skateboarder · 24/06/2012 20:57

I would be putting my foot down and telling dh or il's that this years holiday is just that. A holiday, no planning or hospitality! So sorry, but you will see them when you get back.
Alternatively if you can bear it tell them you will meet them on x date at x time as you are arriving by train (special treat for children?) And make it at least 1 hours train ride away and you will be leaving at x time to get back in time for tea.
I have history with my mil and i sometimes arrange for us to meet away from my house as i cant tolerate her in my house for long. This way, she still see dh & gc and i havent blocked her seeing them, but its easier knowing she or we are leaving at 4pm!

OhNoMyFanjo · 24/06/2012 21:00

Meet them somewhere else?

DoMeDon · 24/06/2012 21:01

Speak to your DH. You're ill and need this like a hole in the head. Ask him to respect you and your wishes this year - the photo issue alone is enough.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 24/06/2012 21:03

I wouldn't let anyone who treated my son that way anywhere near him or his siblings, whether or not they were biological grandparents to two of my children.

If your dh is prepared to allow his stepson to be treated that way, then he is a twat. And I am almost never anywhere even close to the 'leave the bastard' brigade on here. I'd go on holiday without him too.

bogeyface · 24/06/2012 21:04

I would go for political D&V, as mentioned above

Text/call as appropriate "OMG, dont come here. Its awful. DD/DS/DH/OP/The Cat have been so ill. Really worried as there is such a mess we will probably lose our deposit, dont have enough towels, and its just everywhere." Be graphic!

Oh and before you go, make sure that you mention that if the weather is bad then they wont be able to get to you so they shouldnt rely on you for accomodation and should have a list of B&Bs in the area handy, just in case.

bogeyface · 24/06/2012 21:07

Thats not to say you shouldnt have it out with your DH but it solves the immediate problem and you can deal with him have a yellow streak a mile wide when you are feeling less fragile. You need to be in a strong state of mind I think to deal with him, so I would save that until after this holiday in preparation for the next one.

holyfishnets · 24/06/2012 21:12

Tell IL's and DH that you won't have them popping in but instead you have a lovely day trip planned for everyone at xxxx location. That way you can go if the weather is OK and can leave when ever you want.

NeverCleverLand · 24/06/2012 21:13

"Sorry, we have made plans for pretty much all of the days we are there and won't be around to see you. We will see you when we get back"

JustFabulous · 24/06/2012 21:17

Your DH needs to man up. No way should your poor son be kicked out of photos Angry. Unforgivable.

Sallyingforth · 24/06/2012 21:23

Yep. It's down to DH to say that as they were previously told you want a break on your own this time.

Nanny0gg · 24/06/2012 22:18

Um. Going by the way you FiL treats your son, ignores your wishes and gets drunk around your dcs, I don't see the problem with a family rift to be honest.
Unless of course, your DH starts laying down some ground rules.

horriblefilagain · 25/06/2012 06:03

Thanks everyone. Some great advice here. Just so fed up with IlLs, wish I had nice ones that didn't ruin our holidays.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 25/06/2012 09:27

Never mind the bloody holiday.

What about the way they are treating your ds? Hmm

The holiday would be the least of my concerns.

Dropdeadfred · 25/06/2012 09:31

I would welcome a rift with these people. They sound disgusting! Why hasn't your dh pulled them up on their awful behaviour before now?

GrahamTribe · 25/06/2012 09:33

The man treats your son like shit and you're worried about "causing a rift"? I think you need to get your priorities right, tbh. How long are you going to let him make your son feel like an unwanted non-member of the family and a second class citizen?

bogeyface · 25/06/2012 10:11

You wouldnt be causing a rift btw, they would.

They treat your son dreadfully, ignore your wishes and behave in awful ways with your little ones. If they refuse to listen to what you want and kick off then it is them causing an argument.

girlywhirly · 25/06/2012 11:18

I think the time has come for DH to be frank with his parents and not lie about illness to stop them coming on the holiday.

You want family time with no visitors is what he says. If questioned about this, he can elaborate.

I was in two minds at first whether you should agree to meet them somewhere neutral for lunch maybe, and then I changed my mind because of the total disrespect he shows to you all but mostly to your DS. I think the DC deserve a lovely holiday without the IL's around full stop.

I would also consider restricting contact with all the DC as he is a poor role model for them and potentially dangerous when drunk.

expatinscotland · 25/06/2012 11:20

Your husband needs to grow a pair and tell them this time, no 'popping in'.

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